Jealousy Please Help

[relention]

Hey

 

Please help, im in some desperate need of help. I know this will sound silly but only respond if your gonna try and help me. I have been in a long term relationship for 3 and a half years. I love the guy so much and i know that he loves me with all his heart. I am a very jealous person, i really cant understand why, well its because im so insecure,

 

but anyways, hes never really had female friends so i havent been that bad, but now hes went to uni and hes met this girl who has a boyfriend of 4 years. Ive met them both and are nice people. But he spends most of his time with her whilst hes up there.

 

I get so jealous, and i dont know what to do, i want to be ok, i dont want to feel all this insecurity and jealously, as soon as he tells me what he did in his day and it involves her i get so jealous and i just snap like im a totally different person. I hate feeling this way and its not fair on him, its going to ruin our relationship. I know he would never cheat on me but im just afraid that he will end up getting deep feelings for this girl, he says shes not his type etc, he thinks shes lovely but not in that way. I really need help, its wrecking me and its wrecking him.

 

Please help

[shaker1973]

You are going to push him away. I think the best thing for you would be to get some counseling. Some jealousy is healthy and can be flattering to any man or woman - but if you are sabatoging the relationship with it - you should get help. Showing that much jealousy shows how insecure you are in yourself and soon he's gonna think - well she doen't think she's good enough for me - maybe she isn't. Really - I suggest yuou talk this with someone who can help you undertsand and overcome your reason for not trusting yourself and you b/f. You'll thank yourself later. Posting this was a start - but you need to really hash it out in a support group or with a qualified counselor.

[Merin]

Think about it from a different perspective...

 

You have Male friends right? They are ONLY friends and you don't look at them as a potential "Love interest"

[hulavie]

Do you know this girl well..... maybe it will be a good idea if you could get closer to her and get to know her better. Let her be good friends with both of you. It might help you to get over these feelings.

[smucks]

I deal with the same thing with me, myself, and my boyfriend in our relationship., We have been together 4 years and it's taken me almost a year of work to get to a point now where it is just a easier to deal with that immediate reaction as soon as it takes over.

 

I feel the same way as you do when he tells me about these girls he hangs out with tahat are just friends. There's one particular girl he's been friends with since high school who I just hate hearing about, but it seems like every time I display that jealousy it does no good. I know it's the hardest thing to turn it off once it starts or that feeling creeps up, but sometimes you just have to take a step back form the situation and let that feeling be without acting on it. Just sit with it. I am in counseling and it definitely helps but there is no one or nothing tha twill ever take that feeling away except for you.

 

My counselor says for me that my body almost goes into a "survival mode" where I am fighting this feeling of fear and as of now that is the only way my body knows how to react to it. I still have to deal with that reaction now, I'm just in the process of trying to find ways to deal with it or prevent it rather than let it ruin my relationship because my guys' the same way, he would never cheat on me, it's just all in my head.

[Vitruvius]

I am a very jealous person, i really cant understand why, well its because im so insecure

 

You have correctly identified the source of your jealousy.......insecurity.

 

What can you do about it? Well, a little attitude and behavior adjustment. Read on:

 

You mentioned that your BF is attending university. At this stage in his life (or the lives of the youth going to college, for that matter), he is being exposed to new people and new experiences (and new ideas, obviously). As a result of these exposures/experiences/intakes of new ideas, college might change your BF, or it might not, depending on how he chooses to respond to them.

 

This new "GF" you speak of is one such exposure, and so far, according to your description, he only sees this new girl as just a friend, and nothing more. So he's spending a lot of time with her. So what? She only happens to be someone he chose to be firm friends with, and to continue in their friendship, they have to spend some time with each other, naturally, and even more so, when he's seeking companionship from other friends---male or female---because he's unable to get some from you due to the physical distance between him and you and he's probably just lonely and homesick. Since companionship or soul fellowship with other humans to overcome loneliness is a legitimate human need regardless of whether he's married to you or not, he's not being unfaithful to you. Besides, you don't own his soul or personhood, so you don't really have a right to dictate to your BF who he can be or cannot be friends with or control when or how much time they can spend time with each other, you know. (The same will apply when/if you two marry.) Only he can make those decisions for himself because he sees those friends as extensions of his personality (although BF/GFs/spouses normally place a greater priority on spending time with their respective "significant others", if that is physically possible).

 

Moreover, it is not wrong for one to be intimate with friends other than his or her "significant other", because almost every human relationship you can think of---parent-child, sibling-sibling, spouse-spouse, friend-friend, spouse-friend, priest-parishioner/counselee---naturally entails some intimacy between these parties. So, there is, again, no reason to become jealous when your BF/husband starts to care for his lady friend as a close friend. Even if they are attracted to each other and even develop a crush or "feelings" for each other, that itself is not legitimate grounds for jealousy or intervention on your part, either, first because their private feelings and thoughts and their relationship don't concern you and second because they cannot control their feelings as soon as they happen unbidden and spontaneously; whereas behavior is something they DO have control over; it is a deliberate choice, unlike mere attraction and feelings (more on this in a moment), and third and most importantly because those feelings are not themselves immorally wrong as long as they are not thinking lustfully (which is different from mere attraction or love); they are natural and God-created, so don't call or treat as evil what God has made. If it happens to them, let them work through those feelings on their own without acting on them in outward sexual behavior. After all, most crushes and infatuations (aside from normal friendship caring) don't last very long---like maybe 2 or 3 months, usually. And if they don't ask for your help or intervention and they both believe themselves mature adults in that they are able to control or behave themselves, butt out, for their feelings and their relationship don't concern you. You have to give your BF/husband a chance to prove himself to you first by not acting on his feelings in outward sexual behavior; it is not fair to expect him to earn your trust by demanding that he share confidences or information about his outside relationships with you and/or implementing and observing certain man-made rules in his other intimate relationships, such as either staying away from these people or at least bringing a chaperon with him to meetings with them. It is only when he and his lady friend actually succumb to their feelings in outward sexual behavior (that is directly observable to you or that you can prove directly without unethically invading their personal privacy, an absolute right to which they are entitled) that your jealous will become justified and you will then have legitimate grounds for personal involvement in their business.

 

So live and let your BF live in freedom (not bondage) by choosing his own friends and spending his private time with them as he sees fit (within reason and within biblical parameters) and working through or exploring his feelings, if any, with his female friend(s). And to love him is to love his friends, too, and vice versa, because as I already pointed out, they are extensions or aspects of his personality or soul, which you are supposed to love, after all. So don't speak negatively of his friends---either to his face or behind their backs---or place undue pressure on him to dump his friends in order to maintain his relationship with you, or he is likely to either ignore you (your feelings won't count if or because you are not legitimately offended by his friendships and it would be unfair on your part), or worse, dump you, because irrational jealousy is a very unattractive and undesirable character trait in that when you act out, it will make him---in the words of Carl P. Hindy, Ph.D, Conrad Schwarz, Ph.D, and Archie Brodsky in their book If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure? (New York: Fawcett Books, 1987, p. 178):

feel [overwhelmed,] trapped, smothered, or always under siege, [and when he's c]onstantly on guard and living on a tight leash of self-restraint, the person in his position may feel that he is losing not only his independence, but his personal integrity as well.

Plus, irrational jealousy can be a sign of immaturity on your part in how you respond to the situation and quite possibly a sign that you don't truly love him because it's usually about you and your feelings (being selfish) rather than about him and his own needs and rights (being unselfish). So when you find yourself feeling jealous of his friends, stop and examine your own motives to make sure that they are not unrighteous (immorally wrong) and to analyze your needs versus his legitimate ones, then respond accordingly (and appropriately, I hope). Besides, you don't know his friends. So, as a way to resolve your feelings of insecurity in your relationship with your BF, get to know his friends. You will often find that they are not quite as threatening as they seem to you now. Especially his lady friend. After all, if you KNOW that he won't ever cheat on you, then you don't really have a reason to be jealous of her, right? In other words, your jealousy of her is not legitimate and is irrational. So cut it out now.

[relention]

Thanks for the replys people.

 

I'm quite a private person, i cant talk to people online no problem and to my boyfriend but thats it, I can open up to people in person which is why i couldnt do counciling, although i was thinking of going to a hyponisis. thanks for your reply shaker, i agree with you and im working on it.

 

Vitruvius, I agree with the start of what you said, and i understand, the thing is i understand what is right and what is wrong, i know im wrong but tis just so hard for me not to think anything, or grudge, it seems to come naturally. I am working on it though, I totally disagree with the fact that if they get feelings for each other its there business and not mine, its totally my business as im going out with him, he should split up with me if he wants someone else, or has feelings for them, thats unfair on me. Then he can sort it out with her. but hes really not like that, hes the perfect guy and loves me with all his heart. I dont know what to do its just tough, As for the young bit, im only 19 so that might explain some things, I just hope when im older ill not have a problem.

 

Thanks for all the replys, its appreciated.

[meowfish]

Had to reply shortly, because I understand exactly how you feel, right down to being mostly introverted myself and knowing that I'm being unreasonable in wanting him to be, too.

:/ No advice or anything.. Just, I know how you feel. it's hard...

 

[edit] Oh wow, I should check post dates. Aren't I a ditz.