SunsetRed Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 I'm just curious, how many times did your MM or xMM say he was leaving his wife? What actually happened after he said that? did "Something" happen that delayed his leaving? did he leave and go back to her. My xMM used to give me a time line "Ive told her Im leaving by the end of the summer/year/winter etc. It never happened and something always came up. Did anyone's MM ever actually leave when he said he would and if so, what happened after that? Link to post Share on other sites
So happy together Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 I'm just curious, how many times did your MM or xMM say he was leaving his wife? What actually happened after he said that? did "Something" happen that delayed his leaving? did he leave and go back to her. My xMM used to give me a time line "Ive told her Im leaving by the end of the summer/year/winter etc. It never happened and something always came up. Did anyone's MM ever actually leave when he said he would and if so, what happened after that? Hi Sunset. Actually, pretty early into the affair we discussed what the roles would be, what our future held. In the beginning he was worried about leaving stbxw because he was worried she would not be able to care for herself properly. As time went on, a few months in, we decided we wanted to make a go of it properly, in an open relationship. So, we sat down together and discussed a timeline. It wasn't 'next summer/after Christmas' or anything like that. We said 'One year, one year from today that he had to be out of the marriage and well on his way to divorce'. But along with that, there had to be continual progress. I had to see that he was moving forward with things all the time, even if it was small steps. I also told him under no uncertain terms that in one year from the set date if he hadn't left or lived up to his end, I would walk. He knew I meant it. So, things went on and we saw one another often. We made sure he was doing the things he felt had to be done in order to leave. We made a deal of a year at about the 7 month mark in our R. Four months later she found the bat phone. He was honest with her. He stayed for a couple more weeks, not cutting contact with me at all. He was still trying to make things right financially for her. Three weeks later she found the second phone (he never really hid it), he told her that he was in love with me and he was leaving. She threw the Christmas tree across the family room. He walked out and has not been back. That was 7 months ago. He's been in his own apartment since then. He's in the middle of the divorce now. It's not a horrible divorce because their kids are grown so it's just asset division, should only be about another month. I've plans to move to where he is in the next couple of months. It was not easy when he first left. The first two months were really difficult. Not that he loved or wanted our relationship less, just that the transition was difficult. We're really happy right now. I think it will stay that way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 I'm just curious, how many times did your MM or xMM say he was leaving his wife? What actually happened after he said that? did "Something" happen that delayed his leaving? did he leave and go back to her. My xMM used to give me a time line "Ive told her Im leaving by the end of the summer/year/winter etc. It never happened and something always came up. Did anyone's MM ever actually leave when he said he would and if so, what happened after that? In my case he wasn't married, and there was never any talk of leaving or any real push on my part for that, as it made no sense in either of our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
tryingto Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 I'm just curious, how many times did your MM or xMM say he was leaving his wife? What actually happened after he said that? did "Something" happen that delayed his leaving? did he leave and go back to her. My xMM used to give me a time line "Ive told her Im leaving by the end of the summer/year/winter etc. It never happened and something always came up. Did anyone's MM ever actually leave when he said he would and if so, what happened after that? He told me he was in the process of leaving his marriage within 5 days of our meeting. He told me it had been unhappy for a long time. He told me more time I can count that he was leaving. It was going to be next couple of months, next weekend, etc. He even told me that he told her he was leaving and they started talking about financial asset division. The first reason he couldn't leave and the only reason that truly made sense was he was laid off of work. He had to get another job before he could afford to move out. Then the stupid excuses... "I couldn't because a close family member of hers might have had a heart attack." "I can't right now because my mom might have cancer." "The person I was going to move in with changed their mind. They don't want a roommate." "I can't leave this weekend, because she hurt her foot and needs help around the house.", etc. I finally (took too long) realized, if he wanted to go, he would've left... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 He told me he was in the process of leaving his marriage within 5 days of our meeting. He told me it had been unhappy for a long time. He told me more time I can count that he was leaving. It was going to be next couple of months, next weekend, etc. He even told me that he told her he was leaving and they started talking about financial asset division. The first reason he couldn't leave and the only reason that truly made sense was he was laid off of work. He had to get another job before he could afford to move out. Then the stupid excuses... "I couldn't because a close family member of hers might have had a heart attack." "I can't right now because my mom might have cancer." "The person I was going to move in with changed their mind. They don't want a roommate." "I can't leave this weekend, because she hurt her foot and needs help around the house.", etc. I finally (took too long) realized, if he wanted to go, he would've left... I realize in life, when you don't want to do something, you'll find a MILLION reasons not to, and when you do, you'll find a million reasons to do it. Maybe you don't always know you don't want to do it, but when you feel yourself finding excuses or making mole hills into mountains and stalling, it's time to ask yourself if it's something you really want. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
tryingto Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 I realize in life, when you don't want to do something, you'll find a MILLION reasons not to, and when you do, you'll find a million reasons to do it. Maybe you don't always know you don't want to do it, but when you feel yourself finding excuses or making mole hills into mountains and stalling, it's time to ask yourself if it's something you really want. I agree 1000%! I think he realized he wanted both (and there is a good chance he knew exactly what he wanted all along!). He wanted the stability of whatever his life was with his W and the fun, the love, the emotional and physical intimacy he got from me. All I can say is I am so glad I finally allowed myself to see it for what it was. Cake-eating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 My exMM said he was leaving many times. At first, it was SHE was leaving. While we were still "friends," he "confided" in me that his wife wanted to separate and likely wanted a divorce, as she'd "lost interest" in him. At one point, he even claimed he thought she was having an affair. In April 2012 he called his marriage a "lost cause," that his W wouldn't even go to MC. In June 2012 our PA started. We met up several times during his travel "for work." Each time, he told me they were divorcing...at one point he even said they were living separately. He is in real estate and owns condos all over his city, so it was totally plausible to me that they were living separately...for a while I believed it. Around the holidays, it became trickier to make plans with him and I started to really question him...ours was a very long distance relationship, so I had a hard time really knowing what was going on at the home front. We made plans to spend a week together in March. Just before our last visit, he admitted that his W had not wanted a divorce, in fact, his marriage was "sexless" (he still claims this, but yeah...you know the story) but it was a "decent" amicable marriage. He said he made up the stuff about the downfall of his marriage because he wanted a divorce to be with me, but was scared of hurting his wife and son. I did see him in March, but after the visit told him I was coming clean to his W. He freaked out and told me he was going to do so. He claimed he did and then we went NC. I heard from him infrequently until recently, when we've had some one way conversation...and yes, he STILL says he is going to end his marriage. I think he thinks that some supernatural force will intervene and change his life for him, so he never needs to be the bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I'm just curious, how many times did your MM or xMM say he was leaving his wife? What actually happened after he said that? did "Something" happen that delayed his leaving? did he leave and go back to her. My xMM used to give me a time line "Ive told her Im leaving by the end of the summer/year/winter etc. It never happened and something always came up. Did anyone's MM ever actually leave when he said he would and if so, what happened after that? For the first almost 6 years we both agreed that what we had was enough. We had lots of communication we had sex 1-2 times a week minimum. It wasn't until I wanted a normal relationship with a single guy that things changed. He told his wife so that he could hopefully open up his marriage and give me more of his time. That was 20 months again and he has said many times he's leaving but deadlines come and go and he's still married and I'm ok with it at this moment in time. He continues to sit on the fence and eat cake cause we allow it. I think the only reason I'm allowing it is because I don't feel he's betraying me. He is open and honest he tells me if and when they have sex and when they do things together. I'm sure I will get tired of this but for now this works for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 There were 3 missed (self-imposed) 'deadlines' resulting in 2 break-ups. He did it on the 4th go. I went through a lot of heartache that I shouldn't have done. I chose it, though, so can't complain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 I'm just curious, how many times did your MM or xMM say he was leaving his wife? What actually happened after he said that? did "Something" happen that delayed his leaving? did he leave and go back to her. My xMM used to give me a time line "Ive told her Im leaving by the end of the summer/year/winter etc. It never happened and something always came up. Did anyone's MM ever actually leave when he said he would and if so, what happened after that? Yes. When we decided we wanted to be together, we worked out a rough time line since we both had things we needed to sort out for that to happen. He was ready before me and waited for me to join him when I was ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Silly_Girl Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 Ahh, I remember right before I went on my last hiatus from LS that you guys were on again. When I saw you got married I assumed it was with the married man. No, we've both moved on a long way (geographically as well as emotionally ) There was about 5/6 months between us breaking up and me dating again. Luckily for me I hit gold first time around. Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 FBS here.... I saw many, many texts between them regarding leaving and ironically it had NEVER been a conversation between us....EVER. let me see....he wanted to get our youngest graduated and off to college. Well, that came and went. And then, he wanted to reach his financial goals which was again ironic as I had climbed a ladder and could well afford to take care of myself.... And then at DDay I wished them well, promised to amicably divorce and split all. I even encouraged our children to treat her with kindness. Doubt she knew any of this....and eventually had to conclude she did not want to as she never returned my three phone calls. meanwhile, he kept turning up begging to reconcile and pleading to talk to me. he wanted us both. He lied to me, to her, but mostly, to himself. he was unhappy, had been for awhile and blamed everyone else for it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whereamigoing Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 XMM first said he was divorcing a couple years into our relationship. I never asked him to and was okay with the current status. But once he said he was leaving it changed the dynamic a bit. And there kept being all the reasons why he couldn't just yet (you know how that goes). I didn't put a whole lot of stock in it. Then we had a dday and we ended our relationship fairly amicably. NC for a long time than very limited contact on a platonic level for several years. He is now actually divorcing (papers filed, in waiting period, they haven't lived together for years). My friend engaged in an exit affair with her then-attached boyfriend, the couple separated within 6 months. She moved in soon after and they are married a year later. Every relationship is different. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 Hi Sunset. Actually, pretty early into the affair we discussed what the roles would be, what our future held. In the beginning he was worried about leaving stbxw because he was worried she would not be able to care for herself properly. As time went on, a few months in, we decided we wanted to make a go of it properly, in an open relationship. So, we sat down together and discussed a timeline. It wasn't 'next summer/after Christmas' or anything like that. We said 'One year, one year from today that he had to be out of the marriage and well on his way to divorce'. But along with that, there had to be continual progress. I had to see that he was moving forward with things all the time, even if it was small steps. I also told him under no uncertain terms that in one year from the set date if he hadn't left or lived up to his end, I would walk. He knew I meant it. So, things went on and we saw one another often. We made sure he was doing the things he felt had to be done in order to leave. We made a deal of a year at about the 7 month mark in our R. Four months later she found the bat phone. He was honest with her. He stayed for a couple more weeks, not cutting contact with me at all. He was still trying to make things right financially for her. Three weeks later she found the second phone (he never really hid it), he told her that he was in love with me and he was leaving. She threw the Christmas tree across the family room. He walked out and has not been back. That was 7 months ago. He's been in his own apartment since then. He's in the middle of the divorce now. It's not a horrible divorce because their kids are grown so it's just asset division, should only be about another month. I've plans to move to where he is in the next couple of months. It was not easy when he first left. The first two months were really difficult. Not that he loved or wanted our relationship less, just that the transition was difficult. We're really happy right now. I think it will stay that way. Now that is an exit A for sure. It is very rare for a MM to be that resolute. I wish you both a long and fruitful future together. Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 I'm just curious, how many times did your MM or xMM say he was leaving his wife? What actually happened after he said that? did "Something" happen that delayed his leaving? did he leave and go back to her. My xMM used to give me a time line "Ive told her Im leaving by the end of the summer/year/winter etc. It never happened and something always came up. Did anyone's MM ever actually leave when he said he would and if so, what happened after that? XMM never ever said he was leaving. I asked him if he ever would or could and his answer was always the same. No. He has his reasons though. Mostly FOO. Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 We both never said we were leaving. After DDay and 4 months of NC, we rekindled and for the first time talked about whether it would ever be a possibility to be together for real. He said he is not leaving his W because: (1) He would lose everything (2) He knows divorced people and they say they're OK but he doesn't believe them (3) He doesn't want his kids and eventual grandkids to have alternating weekends and dual holidays (4) He knows his W cares for him, and he does care for her We both felt that we cared for each other very much and had something special together, but after getting that response to the initial subject of actually doing something about it, I shut down even the remote thought of leaving my H. The thing is, I KNOW in reality I don't want to leave my H, he is a much better man than my xMM, but it still hurts to hear someone you care about give you a rundown of why he doesn't want to be with you that has nothing to do with his feelings for you. Link to post Share on other sites
AHoleLotOfCrazy Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 To be honest I'm not really sure we ever had a talk about him leaving or us being together officially. Our dynamic was a little different than most though. He decided about 1 month in to our "relationship" that he wanted to be with me. He moved out 2 months after that and we've been together for about 3 years now. Link to post Share on other sites
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