Slightly strange situation

[BoristheSpider]

Hi everybody. Thanks in advance for reading the below; I could really use some advice.

 

My fiancee and I have both been married before. My divorce was finalized 6-7 years ago, and my fiancee doesn't have her divorce yet. I proposed last summer, and she accepted. We live outside the US. All good so far.

 

We'd been planning on getting married early next year. To do that, obviously we'll need to get her divorce finalized (which shouldn't be a big deal; all the issues have been dealt with, all that's needed is the actual divorce, and I work in the legal industry so it can all be done with minimal expense).

 

A few months ago in Vegas, we got married, in the usual "Vegas fashion". Yes, she's technically still married where we come from, so it's technically bigamy and thus legally invalid, though it was still meaningful to us on an emotional level.

 

Anyway, until yesterday, our plan was to get her divorce here finalized, and then get married under the auspices of where we live, at the time of our intended wedding early next year. Yesterday, she tells me that she doesn't think we need to bother with the actual divorce, because as far as she's concerned her old marriage is in name only, the process will be a waste of time (and a small amount of money), and she doesn't want to have to acknowledge that she is still technically married to her ex or deal with it (he was abusive to her, and because there were two small kids from that marriage, he's still in our lives and creates drama from time to time). In short, regardless of the legalities, she and I are now married in every real and emotional sense, case closed. We'll still go ahead with the festivities early next year, but the marriage part need not occur.

 

In the jurisdiction where we live outside the US, due to recent changes in legislation, there's basically NO legal difference between (a) a married couple, and (b) a couple who have lived for two years in a marriage-like relationship. In both cases, the couple have the same rights concerning property, support, etc. So even if our Vegas marriage is invalid because she was still married on paper to her ex at the time, by next spring we'll have lived together for two years anyway and we'll fall into the second category.

 

Having said all that... to me, it's still important on an emotional level that she actually go through and get the divorce from her ex. It's true that its continuation won't have much, if any, legal effect where we live, but it's still important to me on an emotional level that she no longer be tied to him legally. However, last night we had an argument about this; she doesn't want to have to even acknowledge that there's still a legal connection between her and him, and thus she doesn't want to deal with it. We're together now, end of story.

 

I have another, more practical reason for wanting her to actually get the divorce. That is that her ex knows that he and she are still legally married. Their kids, being fairly small, will obviously say to him early next year "guess what Daddy, Mommy and Boris got MARRIED!" Basically we'll be handing him an opportunity to cause drama, on a silver platter. It may not come to anything that actually has legal or other consequences, but he's caused enough drama in our lives in the three years we've been together (I've helped her with her court applications over child support, for instance, and helped her deal with many off his a$$holish emails to her in which he tries needlessly to stir up trouble), so from my perspective, why not avoid that altogether by just getting the divorce now? I'd bet vital parts of my anatomy that he'll take advantage of this opportunity to cause trouble.

 

Sorry this is so long. Am I being unreasonable by wanting to get the divorce done? For either or both of the two reasons I've set out above?

 

Thanks everybody.

 

P.S. I should emphasize that I have no reason to think there's anything suspicious behind her motivation. I should also mention that she's just recently started taking a mild anti-depressant, in case that means anything here.

Edited July 22, 2013 by BoristheSpider

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Assuming you never intend to live in the US where he would legally be her husband and have right to determine her end of life Heath decisions and estate? Being legally responsible for his debt. Etc.

 

It's more about formally severing her ties to him than any partcular need to formalize her ties to you legally.

 

I see tons of downsides to continuing the legal connection with him.

[Madman81]

Thanks for the thoughts guys. I agree, it should be done; I hadn't considered the possible ramifications if, say, we wanted to move somewhere else, e.g. Better to get it done now, easily, than to have to deal with it later when something comes back later and bites us in the ass.