Myab23 Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Okay. This has been bothering me for over 4 years. I am obsessed with my husbands high school girlfriend and constantly think about the 2 of them together. What they did, where they went, visualizing them having sex! I know that she was his first love and he was her first boyfriend/sex, everything.... I can't help but think he must still love her. They were forced apart because of her mother and I know he was pretty upset when it ended. I just think he is only with me because they were forced apart. He never really said much about her to me but have made little comments here and there when she would come up. Like about how he tried to fight for her when she began dating someone else, he also started going to college in hopes that her mother would view him differently and would let them get back together. I on the other hand never had a serious boyfriend in highschool. Have dated some during college but again no one I felt a strong connection to. He was the first person I truly loved and I feel I must feel about him how he felt towards her. There is a certain connection that you have with the first person you love that can never be duplicated and it kills me that he has experienced it with someone other than me. It makes me regret my past and constantly wish I dated someone more seriously so that in some way would be "even". I feel because I didn't date young like him I have a big chunk of experience that I have missed out on. That they have this lifetime connection both being each others first real relationship at such a young and innocent time in their life that I will never be able to break that connection. I know this sounds crazy, obsessive, and just ****ing weird. I feel so pathetic because I always used to be the one in control in my relationships and now I just feel like a desperate loser. Desperate for him to assure me that I'm his one and only but can't help always feeling like 2nd best. It seriously affects my everyday life. Every DAY! I think about her and him before I go asleep, when I wake up. It makes me angry at him and I think I will ultimately go crazy or have to leave him in order to save my sanity. I will question him and bring her up which is just forcing him to think of her. I am considering professional help but just waned to vent here in hopes someone can offer me some words of advice. Sorry so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Sounds like you are having quite the fit of retroactive jealousy and it's causing you to really distort things. Who cares what either of your pasts hold? Focus on the present and what you two have, not what he may have had in the past. You're likely not to be anyone's first at this point. So going on to another relationship surely wont fix this. You're not second best. If he still wanted her he wouldn't stay with you, he'd still be chasing her down. Realize that he married you, married. That's something only the two of you share, and I'm certain his love for his wife would be much greater than that of any girlfriend. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Talk to him honestly, and go get some professional help. They can fix this. You don't have to feel like this. Remember, the past cannot hurt you now. You are his wife, she is not. You won! What more do you want? Don't punish him or he will get resentful. Just be a good wife and seek some help! Link to post Share on other sites
jphcbpa Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Why do you do this to yourself. These thoughts are but phantoms. Please see a professional and work through this. Link to post Share on other sites
eddyctv Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Im on the opposite end of the spectrum...I ask my girlfriends EVERYTHING about their exes. I actually find the stories fascinating! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myab23 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Thank you for you responses. Unfortunately, I'm just getting worse. He actually called me "sick" because I keep bringing up this weird ****. I feel like a prisoner of my thoughts. I wish I didn't know anything about his past. It is not just this ex girlfriend-I have issues with it is so much more that I constantly ruminate about from day to day. Becoming a SAHM hasn't really helped my mental health. Anyway, I appreciate your help. Link to post Share on other sites
LibbyListens Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 (edited) I've been dealing with retroactive jealousy for quite some time and I truly believe it can be connected to OCD. The bad news, it will probably never completely go away. The good news, it's definitely manageable. I have triggers that remind me of my boyfriend's most serious past relationship where he was engaged and lived with her for five years, and when this occurs, all is lost. I feel worthless, like his second choice, and I even start to hate him for "daring" to have strong loving feelings for someone before me. It seriously affects my everyday life. Every DAY! I think about her and him before I go asleep, when I wake up. It makes me angry at him and I think I will ultimately go crazy or have to leave him in order to save my sanity. I will question him and bring her up which is just forcing him to think of her. [/Quote] This. Oh my god, this. There is a movie that plays in my mind over and over about what their life was like together. Birthday traditions. The pain he felt during their breakup. That she was a nice person, just wasn't the one for him (you'd think hearing him say these words would help soothe my obsessive thoughts, but they made it worse). I learned these facts from when we were early on in our relationship and we shared stories about our pasts. I had never experienced RJ and did not see it coming when, six months later, we started to truly love each other and I started to think about HER constantly. I wondered if there were things in me that reminded him of her. I wondered if he missed her. The deeper in love I got, the more painful the RJ became. Remind yourself of the following: 1. Do no identify with those feelings of jealousy, anger, etc they will only create a cycle where you are going to start empowering those feelings with thoughts and vice versa, look at them and observe them as if they were happening to someone else. You are wrong about feeling this. 2. It is not a fight against the situation, it is a fight against your irrational thoughts on love; notice that 99% of the people have felt in love before and slept with people before. It is normal. 3. Nobody owns anybody. You don't own your boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife, and their exes don't own them either. 4. Even if your partner had the most amazing feelings for this other person, they were only temporary, they are now over and a lot of that is thanks to you, you had the power to change that. 5. Do not analyze the details of their past. When you analyze things take a bigger and deeper meaning than what they really have. 6. His/her past is none of your business; life is too short to spend it living someone else's life. 7. Look at the bigger picture. 8. Know that you are beautiful and no one can take your value away. 9. Not being jealous will make your life so much easier and will open so many possibilities. 10. Retroactive jealousy is irrational. 11. Who are these people (the exes) to make you feel so insecure? They are nobody. 12. Do not get obsessed with the ex, they are not worth your time and energy. 13. Know in your heart that you are no less than anybody, no matter what 14. Are your past relationships a threat to your current one? Why wouldn't it be the same for the person you are with? Edited July 30, 2013 by LibbyListens 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tally123 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 myab23, i have just posted on another thread about RJ and I feel and know everything you are talking about, together with Libby Listens. I feel second best that he loved someone before me, when we are together I wonder if he is thinking about them sometimes, whether he enjoyed sex with them more than me etc etc. Facebook and other social media sites dont help in this respect as you can re-live their old rship! You make some good points Libby and I will also try and remember them. I find RJ is a constant battle that I hope we can all overcome! T Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myab23 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 I seriously have never posted on forums before but these thoughts have became so overwhelming....well have been for some time. I really have basically ruined the last 4 years of my life thinking about this stuff. I will obsess over it while he is at work and then when he gets home be mad at him when we could just have a nice evening together. I'm ruining our life together as well since im always in a bad mood. And this seriously has been going on for yeeeeaaaars. I sometimes think I should have left a long time ago but I just love him so much I try to ignore these thoughts but it never works, they always resurface. Sometimes when we do get a long its me forcing myself...I feel I am never truly happy because these thoughts are always in the back of my head. I thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me because if anything it makes me realize I'm not a completely insane person as others have the feelins as well. Libby- I totally identify with it not bothering you in the beginning of the relationship and then as you began to love him more that's when it hit you. That's totally me. I asked to know all this stuff and then about a year later it completely consumed me. At first I was like cool....he's dated around so maybe its out of his system...if only I could have kept that mindset. And Tally, my whole problem started because of Facebook. I swear it ruined my damn life. I knew about this girl...but actually seeing her brought all the insecurities and jealousies to life. She's beautiful, has a good job, a boob job, perfect smile, a million friends...blah. So I instantly felt like crap and I feel that's when the jealousy became out of control. Why would he want me? Here's this girl you shared such a special bond with, who is basically perfect, why would he not want her back. I'm always scared they will meet and want to rekindle, you always hear about 1st loves getting back together down the road because they "could never forget each other". So not only do I have RJ I have real current jealousy of the girl's life. She seems to have it all...why wouldn't my husband want her instead of me. And my answer to that is that she doesn't want him, so he's settled for me. I also obsess about how he got another girl he dated seriously pregnant and went with her to get abortion. Its just like my experiences with other men do not measure up to his. I've never shared anything signifigant with anyone else other then him but he has all these stories about his past loves. I don't really care that much about sex...it's the feelings he's had towards these other women. I really identify with #6 that you wrote Libby. I feel like I've stopped my life and just relive his everyday. He just gets angry when I bring anything up. So looking for reassurance from him is pointless, and sometimes he just says the opposite of what I want to hear anyway. I'm just tired. Tired of my thoughts. Tired of trying to rationalize things in my mind. Its definitely time for some professional help. Link to post Share on other sites
Tally123 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 Myab23, oh my - It could be me writing your post, it really could! everything you say I have practically felt or done. The whole being annoyed during the day and then taking it out on them in the evening - I am ashamed to say that I have done this on quite a few occassions. The poor guy has no idea why or what's happened. I was exactly the same. When we first got together I used to ask him all questions under the sun, why? Because i was intrigued and it didnt bother me a whole deal, then bang i fell in love with him, was scared of losing him etc, then all of a sudden all these things mattered! I think he has only asked me one or two questions about past bfs/flings. I ask why he hasnt asked more, his response is "because I would rather not know and its in the past". I wish I could be like that. The only thing I would say is about the first love! Hmmmm I had my first love when I was 20, i was mad about him, he was everything to me at the time and then he dumped me. Now, he's not this special person because he is my first love at all. We are friends on FB still and if I am honest he annoys the hell out of me and I realise how incompatible we really are, so the first love being extra special and any more loving or meaningful than what you hav isnt true. You got the guy - you are married Have you thought about getting help for this? I definitely have. The thing that scares me the most is that I will lose him over this and then I will only have myself to blame. I dont think I could live with the fact knowing it was my fault. I think thats what we have to keep telling ourselves But no you are not alone in this! I thought I was until I started reading posts and googled "RJ". T 1 Link to post Share on other sites
will1988 Posted July 30, 2013 Share Posted July 30, 2013 God you sound like my fiance for the first year or so... every time she brought up an ex, or i brought one up -in jest- she would turn it in to the friggin spanish inqueistion... she wanted to know every uncomfortable detail and would pester the hell out of me until i cracked. All for pretty much the same reasons you listed... except my exes and i ended things always on bad terms! She would get jelouse that I had had sex with other women (I am her first)... although, I knew dated and loved these women before i even knew my fiance existed. I eventually put me foot down and said if she continues to act crazy she better see a shrink or I'm out... I told her I can't change the past and that if I could not dating my exes would not be something i would change (although all relationships ended badly I grew to be confident person and learned to handle crappy situations better because of it)! Thankfully, she stopped bringing that stuff up over a year ago, and has even admitted to being crazy... hell, the other night we were watching a show about Amish people going to LA and one of the women is a spitting image of my last EX... and she started joking about that, and did not pester me or anything. phew... you need to realize that your husband loves you. he is with you... not with her... but with you. he can't change the past, nor can you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Myab23 Posted July 30, 2013 Author Share Posted July 30, 2013 Thanks Tally! I know I really hope we can get through this. Knowing that if my relationship fails it would be 100% my fault sucks. Thats why I need to get a grip on this once and for all. Thank you for the reassurance about 1st love not always being the most important love. It is good to hear it from someone who has experienced and lost it as I never have and can't relate to the feelings associated with it. I have always ASSUMED that it is devastating and a life long connection- but again this is me blowing a teenage relationship that he had into the greatest love story of all time. Anyway, thank you for your replies. They sincerely help me on many levels, as I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Tally123 Posted July 31, 2013 Share Posted July 31, 2013 Myab23 Youve basically painted a picture that probably isnt true. Sure first loves are special to a lot of people, but not that special to a lot of other ppl either. At the time I thought we had a great love story, would spend all day in bed just cuddling, staring into each others eyes for ages without saying a word (bleugh) ha and so on. We lived far apart and we would travel whichever way we could to spend every hour we could with each other....now i think really?!? yeah i loved him at the time, but i dont look back on it with these rose tinted glasses and think "if only" - no way! Keep me updated on your situation if you can. As like you this is a daily battle for me. Things have been quite good for me the last couple of days, so im hoping this continues Good luck T Link to post Share on other sites
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