longtime affair ending, need some guidance.

[mittens354]

I met him five years ago through a mutual friend. Let's call him Frank. Fireworks, connection, compatibility, great conversation flow, the whole nine yards...it was unlike anything I'd ever felt before. He got my number from this mutual friend and started pursuing me. Shortly thereafter, I found out that he's in a long term relationship...3 or so years at the time. I told him to get lost and he did. Fast forward a year. We run into each other at a social gathering and catch up, he was nothing but respectful and even apologized for the way he approached me at first. We become friends...talk every day...lean on each other for support, etc. I was dating someone briefly, but when that didn't work out (he started treating me like crap) I ran to Frank for support and emotional justification. His relationship was on the rocks as well, so we depended a lot on one another at this time. One thing led to another and we slept together. He did not leave his gf, so I cut him off in an attempt to move on. Fast forward 2 years, he is overseas (military guy), I am in a serious relationship with someone else...he comes out of the woodwork and asks if he can see me when he returns home because he misses me. I said no, but we stayed in touch. Shortly thereafter, I find out that he proposed to his gf. (The same gf he cheated on me with...the same gf he could barely stand just a year prior...etc.)

 

A few months later, he returns home and we run into each other at a dinner party. I was there with my boyfriend at the time. The minute I saw Frank, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. The feelings that I had developed for him and pushed under the rug for 2 years came rushing back. It was as if he never left, as if he was the only person in the room. We caught up, had a great time, our significant others got along...I chalked it up to a good time. After I left that night, I received a text from him saying, "you have no idea how much I've missed you and how good it was to see you." Being that I was unhappy in my relationship with my then boyfriend, Frank's text could not have come at a worse time. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, cried all the time, etc. In the span of about 5 months, he had become closer to me than my boyfriend...but I kept him at an arm's length because even though I wasn't exactly happy with my boyfriend I would never cheat on him. Frank would profess his love for me on a daily basis, I'd brush him off constantly, asked me to see him, but I never gave in. And when we did see each other due to social encounters, it was like the first time every time.

 

A few months later, my boyfriend and I break up. I was a wreck, it was a really bad breakup and the only person that was consistently there for me was Frank. He called me ten times a day to make sure I ate and slept and was ok. No ulterior motive, just friendship. A month later, before he left to go overseas again, we slept together again. He cupped my face in his hands afterwards and told me he'd always be there for me, told me he'd miss me, and told me I was the only thing he was looking forward to seeing once he gets back.

 

For almost a year, we spoke on an almost daily basis...more often than he did with his best friends. He's the one person I can tell anything to and not feel like I'm being judged, my feelings for him have gotten stronger and as much as it pains me, I have come to the conclusion that I have to let him go. He knows how I feel...and feels the same, but will not leave his soon to be wife. He begged me to remain friends, as he can't see his life without me in it, but I can't put myself through that. It's going to hurt to let him go...but will hurt so much more if I don't.

 

I don't know how to go about ending this. Letting him go by cutting communication has not proven successful in the past, as every time I see him, I'm back to square one (and seeing him is going to be inevitable being that we share very close friends). But remaining friends with him keeps me hanging on...and keeps me from moving on. Because even when I do date others, the second he comes back into my life - nothing else matters. I feel so f***ed up for this...I don't want to do this anymore.

 

I'd love to hear from anyone with more wisdom to help me get through this. Thank you in advance.

[secretlady76]

He has all the lines and you fall for it every time. He has no interest in your feelings at all. If he did he wouldn't treat you like this. How can a man who treats you like this be better than all the other men that would treat you with respect. Do you think so little of yourself that he is as good as you think you're going to get?

 

Take my advice. Ignore his words, they're cheap. Only guage his actions. Look at them closely, they say a lot don't they?! They say to me that he is using you for his own gratification. He has no intention of leaving his girlfriend for you, and even if he did, it wouldn't be for you, it would be for someone else, but he would still play you to ensure you were there as his little play thing and you being a mug will fall for it again. He sounds like a conniving little s*** to me. I would cut it all off. Even if you see him, blank him. You will feel so much better and so much more confident once he is out of your life. If someones has a capacity to make you throw up when you see them, they really aren't worth the effort.

 

He really is a nasty piece of work.

[mittens354]

Frank sounds charming.

 

He is the lowest of the low as far as cheating men go. Here he is, NOT MARRIED, could easily leave his girlfriend, they have no kids, mortgage, shared businesses, etc., yet he wouldn't leave her, rather played her, took it a step further, and asked her to marry him. Really hope you didnt fall for all the negative, nasty things he said about her, as they are lies, used to justify sleeping with you (worked too). Men like Frank make me want to vomit. He is many things, but wonderful ain't one of them. Are you prepared to be the OW when he gets married, cause that's what he's grooming you for, what you're signing up for, if you continue. Please don't be that girl. Dig deep, realize your self worth, don't settle for being his little secret on the side.

 

I think you really get, that you need to dump this cheating loser. Right?

 

 

I do. For 5 years I've romanticized a future with him, took whatever feelings he had for me out of context by legitimizing them more than necessary...but it all comes down to him staying with her and not being with me. THAT speaks volumes, but somehow I find a way to justify his actions. But I have to let go, I'm done with this...done with him...done with feeling like I have no control over my emotions. It's been so long that I feel like I'm losing a chunk of my life that he's had for such a long time. I don't know how to go about it given the fact that we have so many friends in common without causing a stir.

[Pierre]

Mittens:

 

I agree with the above poster. Frank is the worst type of cheater, but he loves you. Yes, Frank loves you as the OW. As an OW there is no one better to lift his low self esteem.

 

Frank needs these type of romantic conquest to prove his manhood on a daily basis. He needs a woman like you to fall for him hard so he can get validated. All the charm, charisma, and good guy behavior is a sham to get his external validation from you. Every time you listen and respond he acknowledges he still has it. He may have proposed to his No. 1 GF, but he knows he is still a ladies man and he loves to help you, because in the end you help him even more.

 

Frank is about as close to a sociopath as you can get.

 

The real issue is why you cannot tell Frank is a POS. Why is that? Most women would be running for the hills.

[mittens354]

Thanks for the response, it actually put things in perspective a bit as I had never considered telling her simply because i'm pretty sure she already knows...and is content with the situation.

[Pierre]

I do. For 5 years I've romanticized a future with him, took whatever feelings he had for me out of context by legitimizing them more than necessary...but it all comes down to him staying with her and not being with me. THAT speaks volumes, but somehow I find a way to justify his actions. But I have to let go, I'm done with this...done with him...done with feeling like I have no control over my emotions. It's been so long that I feel like I'm losing a chunk of my life that he's had for such a long time. I don't know how to go about it given the fact that we have so many friends in common without causing a stir.

 

YOU know why you tolerate Frank?

 

Because you need him as much as he needs you. This is a match made in heaven. No one, and I mean------no one can be as good as Frank is with you. No one can be so helpful, patient, charming, etc. Frank is the best for you because Frank knows exactly what he is doing. Frank sees a damsel in distress and he knows what to do. OTOH, most non-cheating single men lack this knowledge. They simply cannot compete with Frank.

 

However, Frank has another side. You will never know this side unless you become his NO. 1. Then, after a while the true Frank would emerge. Trust me, you don't want to be Franks NO. 1 main squeeze.

[mittens354]

Mittens:

 

I agree with the above poster. Frank is the worst type of cheater, but he loves you. Yes, Frank loves you as the OW. As an OW there is no one better to lift his low self esteem.

 

Frank needs these type of romantic conquest to prove his manhood on a daily basis. He needs a woman like you to fall for him hard so he can get validated. All the charm, charisma, and good guy behavior is a sham to get his external validation from you. Every time you listen and respond he acknowledges he still has it. He may have proposed to his No. 1 GF, but he knows he is still a ladies man and he loves to help you, because in the end you help him even more.

 

Frank is about as close to a sociopath as you can get.

 

The real issue is why you cannot tell Frank is a POS. Why is that? Most women would be running for the hills.

 

 

That's a legitimate question...I'm starting to think it's a mutually destructive relationship, as I validate him to the extent he validates me. When my ex and I were going through rough times, Frank was there like a light at the end of the tunnel telling me how he didn't deserve me, preaching how I deserved to be treated, telling me what kind of man I need. Funny thing is, every time I meet a man, Frank finds something wrong with him ...no one is ever good enough. That, not only keeps me conveniently single for him...but also prevents me from moving on and being happy without him.

[mittens354]

YOU know why you tolerate Frank?

 

Because you need him as much as he needs you. This is a match made in heaven. No one, and I mean------no one can be as good as Frank is with you. No one can be so helpful, patient, charming, etc. Frank is the best for you because Frank knows exactly what he is doing. Frank sees a damsel in distress and he knows what to do. OTOH, most non-cheating single men lack this knowledge. They simply cannot compete with Frank.

 

However, Frank has another side. You will never know this side unless you become his NO. 1. Then, after a while the true Frank would emerge. Trust me, you don't want to be Franks NO. 1 main squeeze.

 

 

You took the words out of my mouth...

[mittens354]

YOU know why you tolerate Frank?

 

Because you need him as much as he needs you. This is a match made in heaven. No one, and I mean------no one can be as good as Frank is with you. No one can be so helpful, patient, charming, etc. Frank is the best for you because Frank knows exactly what he is doing. Frank sees a damsel in distress and he knows what to do. OTOH, most non-cheating single men lack this knowledge. They simply cannot compete with Frank.

 

However, Frank has another side. You will never know this side unless you become his NO. 1. Then, after a while the true Frank would emerge. Trust me, you don't want to be Franks NO. 1 main squeeze.

 

 

How would you recommend I go about ending this for good?

[mittens354]

If toy really want to get rid of him, you have to make a commitment to stay away from him.

 

Maybe you're not there yet.

 

 

It's probably going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I have to do it. For my sanity...as well as my future. Without him.

I'm just having trouble with the fact that we share so many friends...and how I should go about this without causing a "thing"..

[Chief Wiggum]

Is he crazy about you as much as he claims? Surely he'd leave his GF if he was. Surely he'd want to make your relationship legit if the chemistry between you is as strong as you make out.

[Pierre]

How would you recommend I go about ending this for good?

 

The best way to end a relationship is to say is over and go 100% NC.

 

 

Do not provide an explanation. Any attempt to explain is a new angle of attack for him to make his case and keep you. IN life when we say NO with no reason there is no angle or opportunity to try to change that NO.

 

I would simply go underground with no explanation. However, you will probably want to end it with a meeting looking for the so-called closure. In fact I am sure he will also want closure. In any event, this guy feels he can get you at any time and he enjoys his power over you. He enjoys being your guru.

 

Understand he is no good for you. If he is not good for you and you repeat this daily you will get through this.

 

BTW, you probably don't like the good men because they are not as great as Frank. Sometimes the great ones are not smooth and charming. But, if you need the charm you will not get along with them because they don't give you the attention you need.

 

Just go silent on Frank. Offer no explanation.

[mittens354]

Is he crazy about you as much as he claims? Surely he'd leave his GF if he was. Surely he'd want to make your relationship legit if the chemistry between you is as strong as you make out.

 

 

I don't see how the fact that he won't leave mean there is a lack of chemistry...

[Pierre]

I don't see how the fact that he won't leave mean there is a lack of chemistry...

 

He loves you and he has chemistry with you. That is not the point. Most people having affairs are in love with each other. And the love can be very intense. He loves you as the OW. The OW chemistry is off the charts. But, this is side by side with the relationship with his GF or soon to be wife.

[coffeebean201]

If Frank was your brother and he was making these choices, what would you think of him?

 

Would you talk to both women, or just the wife?

 

Sounds like you both have really strong feelings for each other. But how is everybody else supposed to deal with this?

[mittens354]

If Frank was your brother and he was making these choices, what would you think of him?

 

Would you talk to both women, or just the wife?

 

Sounds like you both have really strong feelings for each other. But how is everybody else supposed to deal with this?

 

If Frank were my brother, I would tell him to either leave his soon to be wife, or cut me off...whichever makes him happy. All our friends are aware of what has been going on, our mutual best friends have been trying to get him to realize that him and I are a better fit - he's happy when he's with me. Miserable when he's not. But apparently the reality he projects isn't necessarily the reality, as he is choosing to stay with her.

[mittens354]

The best way to end a relationship is to say is over and go 100% NC.

 

 

Do not provide an explanation. Any attempt to explain is a new angle of attack for him to make his case and keep you. IN life when we say NO with no reason there is no angle or opportunity to try to change that NO.

 

I would simply go underground with no explanation. However, you will probably want to end it with a meeting looking for the so-called closure. In fact I am sure he will also want closure. In any event, this guy feels he can get you at any time and he enjoys his power over you. He enjoys being your guru.

 

Understand he is no good for you. If he is not good for you and you repeat this daily you will get through this.

 

BTW, you probably don't like the good men because they are not as great as Frank. Sometimes the great ones are not smooth and charming. But, if you need the charm you will not get along with them because they don't give you the attention you need.

 

Just go silent on Frank. Offer no explanation.

 

 

He is overseas now, and even if he wasn't I would not meet up to get "closure"...closure doesn't exist...it comes from within yourself. Never the other person. That being said, I spoke to him yesterday. I laid everything out on the table...and by everything I mean my feelings. Told him that if he wanted "us" to continue, he'd have to leave her. And while he didn't deny his feelings for me, he told me that he wasn't leaving her. For the first time in five years, I heard it from the horse's mouth. I set boundaries, told him we were not to see each other again unless it was due to social obligations because I am moving on with my life. He obliged. And that was that. It's over. Now comes the hard part - finding the strength to stay away indefinitely.

[mittens354]

I told you how. Tell his GF you've slept with him. He will leave you alone after that! In fact, he'll probably hate you. So you won't have to worry about how to end it.

 

Doubtful. I suspect she already knows. She'll never leave him.

[Pierre]

Doubtful. I suspect she already knows. She'll never leave him.

 

Why do so many people having affairs assume the other spouse knows?

 

 

In any event, you will never tell her. You and I know why you will never open your mouth. I get it.

[hippetyhop]

Why do so many people having affairs assume the other spouse knows?

 

 

So very true

[mittens354]

So very true

 

 

Because I, for one, don't understand how any sensible woman, after being with a man for over a decade doesn't have a single inkling that he's being unfaithful

[hippetyhop]

Because I, for one, don't understand how any sensible woman, after being with a man for over a decade doesn't have a single inkling that he's being unfaithful

 

People in affairs know how to keep those 2 lives separate. The most unsuspecting people have affairs. Have you read the Infidelity section? There are BS on there who have NO idea their WS was up to no good, and they were leading double lives for years.

[mittens354]

Why do so many people having affairs assume the other spouse knows?

 

 

In any event, you will never tell her. You and I know why you will never open your mouth. I get it.

 

 

I will not tell her. I'm bitter because he chose her over me, yes, and I'd love nothing more for them to fall apart. But even though she means nothing to me, doesn't mean she means nothing to him...clearly that's far from the truth. I hope she finds out, but it won't be from me. I'm done with him, with her, with all of this.

[hippetyhop]

I get it mittens. Your afraid to tell her because your afraid I'm right. That he'll hate you.

 

I'll tell her. What's her name??

 

People are blind sided with their spouses affairs all the time. she most likely doesn't know.

 

I feel bad for your broken heart and you are doing the right thing by ending it. Go total NC until your feelings are gone. They will fade in time, I promise you.

 

Good luck honey! You deserve a man that will choose YOU over anything!

 

Those words cannot be truer. The more you stick to NC and move forward, the quicker it will fade. I'm not saying to go see the first guy that crosses your path (that will come at a later time), but keep yourself occupied and healthy

[Pierre]

Because I, for one, don't understand how any sensible woman, after being with a man for over a decade doesn't have a single inkling that he's being unfaithful

 

Those that never consider cheating fail to see the signs of cheating. Cheating is not in their vocabulary.

 

OTOH, those that have participated in EMRs know all the signs of cheating quite well. We them to judge and analyze things from our perspective. Non-cheaters cannot imagine the spouse is cheating.