Will he choose me or her?

[Buttercup]

Hello everyone!

 

Here is my dilemma. I have been seeing Chris for about two months or so. During that time, I feel that we have become really close. We have been physically intimate, ok, yes we have had sex,and we spend lots of time talking. When we are together or we talk I feel really good about myself. He is 100% attentive to me and always asks me questions and is interested in my thoughts. I can totally be myself around him, don't have to think about what I am going to say. I can be silly and laugh. I can be sexy and passionate. BUT a couple of weeks ago he graduated from college and was spending a lot of time involved w/school. But I felt kinda neglected. SO I flat out asked him what was up and he also was honest and said besides school there was another girl.... he was never serious w/her, but they were seeing eachother before me. He said he thought it was over. He says he needs to step back and evaluate his feelings for a little while. He still calls me often and we have seen eachother once for lunch. He wanted me to be open and discuss my feelings about the situation. He definitely listened and watched my every move. He was asking me all kinds of questions. I felt like I was on the dating game. He asked me about my current career and if I would consider moving (he may have to move to get a job). He also asked how I would resopond if we were to be just friends. I told him I wouldn't stick around so he could have his cake and eat it too but yet I wasn't going to pressure him. He also understood when I said that deep down he knows who the better match is for him and the decision shouldn't take that long. What do you think of the situation? Ask me any ?s if necessary... Thanks!

 

ps. i think he really likes me but something is holding him back.

[Tony T]

If he made you sit down and interview in order to be his girlfriend and you have to wait around for his decision, I would tell him to stick it in his ear.

 

I think your relationship was intimate enough that he should have told you about this other girl before you even asked. I always make the assumption that if sex is involved, the relationship is exclusive but maybe I'm wrong here. You're the one who has to decide whether he deceived you or not in the context of your relationship with him and what the agreements were.

 

So it sounds like now he is just making up his mind on what he wants to do. Well, I will tell you this. The pressure is on him, not necessarily on which girl to see, but on whether he is serious enough to carry on his relationship with either of you if he moves.

 

I would sit down with him and ask him some serious questions, like was he having sex with this other girl while he was having same with you. I would insist on him getting tested for STDs. Then I would tell him if he has to think about his feelinga about you that much, your relationship with him is not good enough to warrant continuing.

 

To sit and wait and wonder if he is going to choose you or her is like he's picking a pet at the pound or something. It's pretty sick and I wouldn't have a part in it. Furthermore, you have no idea how much longer this relationship will last anyway. If the guy has to make a decision on you, you obviously aren't number one IN ANY CASE or he wouldn't have to be deciding.

 

And then I would waive goodbye...and remind him to send you the results of his tests.

 

So you actually still trust this guy?

[Deejette]

The title of your post shows that you are waiting for him to make the decision. Actually, it is you who should be making the decision. It is never a good thing to wait around for someone to make up their mind about you. If it takes that long, you already know what the decision is: He is evaluating you both like cars at a dealership and you both sit there hopefully while he makes up his mind.

 

You are definitely right when you say he wants his cake and wants to eat it too.

If he made you sit down and interview in order to be his girlfriend and you have to wait around for his decision, I would tell him to stick it in his ear. I think your relationship was intimate enough that he should have told you about this other girl before you even asked. I always make the assumption that if sex is involved, the relationship is exclusive but maybe I'm wrong here. You're the one who has to decide whether he deceived you or not in the context of your relationship with him and what the agreements were. So it sounds like now he is just making up his mind on what he wants to do. Well, I will tell you this. The pressure is on him, not necessarily on which girl to see, but on whether he is serious enough to carry on his relationship with either of you if he moves. I would sit down with him and ask him some serious questions, like was he having sex with this other girl while he was having same with you. I would insist on him getting tested for STDs. Then I would tell him if he has to think about his feelinga about you that much, your relationship with him is not good enough to warrant continuing.

 

To sit and wait and wonder if he is going to choose you or her is like he's picking a pet at the pound or something. It's pretty sick and I wouldn't have a part in it. Furthermore, you have no idea how much longer this relationship will last anyway. If the guy has to make a decision on you, you obviously aren't number one IN ANY CASE or he wouldn't have to be deciding. And then I would waive goodbye...and remind him to send you the results of his tests. So you actually still trust this guy?

[Stargazer]

If he 'thought' it was over with this other girl then why is he even reconsidering things with her when you two were already in a relationship??? In my eyes that's like saying 'well you know it wasn't real between us yet', his thoughts and actions alone demean what you shared, it really does.

 

I understand he's doing that because things are still at an early stage between you two (as far as time) but the thing is he should know how he feels about YOU, period.

 

Obviously his feelings for you or your relationship are not as deep as you thought for him to be reavaluating because some ex whom he had finished with comes back into his life declaring her undying love for him or something.

 

He does sound like he was interviewing you, trying to base his decision on which will be a better option on a lot of things other than his true feelings. Don't wait for him to make a decision, make your own and let HIM know.

 

I really hate it when guys do this, feckin hate it, it happened to me recently, we were fine, then the ex rings, bang there's now three of us in the relationship (what you had WAS a relationship you know, time is not a measurement, it's irrelevant really) and a decision by him to be made about who he wants, uggghhhhhh. I wished emotionally I'd been able to detach myself, like you seem to have and think about what I needed to do, not go along with what HE wanted. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache and confusion.

 

Keep us updated wont you.

 

Warm Hugs to You :-)