what's the deal?

[Jade]

I have been dating this guy since September. He lives far from me, so we usually see each other once or twice a week.

 

I think both of us are usually very sexual people, but this time, we have not done much physically, and it already has been 4 months since we started dating!!! It took us about a month to kiss, and maybe a month and a half to hold hands!!

 

We have both admitted to each other that neither of us has ever been in a situation like this. I have been very direct with him and told him that I want him, and he tells me he wants me too. When we are together, he sometimes touches me and gives me pleasure, but he doesn't really want me to touch him. I know what a lot of people would think, but I guarantee you he is NOT gay!! And he were bi, he knows I wouldn't care. Anyhow, the bottom line is that it has been 4 months and we have never had sex.

 

I have even confronted him if he just doesn't find me attractive, but he tells me that's not the case. I don't think he is lying, and I think he does like me a lot because he calls me everyday, sometimes twice a day. What's the deal???

[Sitting &Wondering]

I may not be the one to give advice since I am in a tough situation right now, but I would just start playing hard to get. (Maybe I should take my own advice). 8o)

 

If you hold out then he may start to want it. Tell him that you are really glad that you guys have not had sex yet and that you like it that way. Then keep that state of mind, he will come around. Guys usually want what they can't have...

 

Anyway, good luck.

[Tony T]

1. He may be a virgin.

 

2. He may have been rejected after a sexual encounter recently and his confidence in his abilities is very low.

 

3. He may not be able to afford a hotel and he may be embarrassed to take you to his place or it may be too far.

 

4. He may not want to have sex in the backseat of a car or on a park bench.

 

5. He could be seeing someone else where he lives and doesn't want to be sexually unfaithful.

 

6. You could remind him physically of his mother...and nobody can have sex with their mother.

 

7. He could be on a particular medication that reduces or eliminates his sexual desire.

 

8. He could have a medical condition, temporary or permanent, that prevents his from achieving an erection.

 

9. He could have some physical abnormality on his body that he's embarassed for you to see when his clothes are off.

 

10. He may be extremely shy and slow moving.

 

11. He may be passive agressive towards women in general, therefore the more he knows they want something, the more he will hold back. (Look up passive agressive is a first year psychology book)

 

12. Maybe his dog got run over by a car after he put it out of his house so he could have sex with a girl...and he associates sex with dead dogs.

 

Who the hell knows?

 

If you put a numerical value of significance to kissing and holding hands...and it took him a month before he kissed you and another two weeks to hold your hands, he will have sex with you in about 10 more weeks.

 

The guy obviously goes very slow. My guess is that he is very shy and timid and inexperienced. He's probably very anxious. The more he likes you, the more anxious he will be. When you talk to him about what you want, be extremely sensitive to this and show a great deal of patience and understanding. The more understanding and accepting you are, the faster he will respond and give you what you want.

 

The more demanding or impatient you seem, the longer you will have to wait...or you may never get it at all. Just be kind, and my guess is if you are not demanding and just go at a slow pace with him, you could probably seduce him in another few weeks...just get him to a satisfactory place...and slowly begin to remove his clothes.

 

At some point, you are going to have to discover what the reason is. It may be one of the above, a combination of two or more, or some reason I have not mentioned.

[Tony T]

I just read the response post that was put up before me here and I agree with that too. Maybe you are just being way too available and not a challenge for him. Guys like to work a little to get laid. That's part of the pleasure. It's kind of a conquest for some guys. Be coy and not so easy. He seems to be doing a pretty good job of it.

 

However, you have to remember that may not be the case here. You will have do continue to observe to pick up exactly what is going on.

[Deejette]

Is he giving any reasons for this? It sounds strange that he doesn't want you to touch him. He may have a psychological problem that will take its toll on you as you begin to doubt your attractiveness.

 

But it really is his problem. He sounds cold and unaffectionate. People can hug an kiss to show warmth and not go all the way. The fact that it took him that long even to hold your hand shows that he is not physically expressive and that may be a bigger problem for you in the future.

I just read the response post that was put up before me here and I agree with that too. Maybe you are just being way too available and not a challenge for him. Guys like to work a little to get laid. That's part of the pleasure. It's kind of a conquest for some guys. Be coy and not so easy. He seems to be doing a pretty good job of it. However, you have to remember that may not be the case here. You will have do continue to observe to pick up exactly what is going on.

[Stargazer]

Hi Jade,

 

I think the deal is that you only see each other once or twice a week! Where others would be at this stage (4 months) is not something you should be measuring YOUR relationship against, you've only really been together (as in physically present) about 5 weeks, it's important for you to remember that rather than look at it in months. Think of things between you in terms of times you've been physically together.

 

You're still at a very early stage either way so keep in mind that everytime you get together it's like you have to get reacquainted physically, start slow once again, know what I mean?

 

Like you've said it's a different situation for you both, please don't place unrealistic expections on him OR the relationship, focus on what you have rather than what's missing or absent based on a preconceived idea of what things 'should' be like by now, time wise, it's not fair to either of you.

 

Unless you ask him why he doesn't really touch or want to be touched you'll only ever guess. You don't know what his reasons are, they could be anything, his past love experiences, childhood stuff, his own insecurities - anything! Talk to him, this in itself will create a deeper intimacy.

 

I don't think this is about him being gay or not finding you attractive, he's NOT lying, he's probably just getting to know you, at this stage and because of the distance it's like one step forward two steps back but eventually those steps will just go forward, it's normal, he probably just wants to go slow for his own reasons, go slow, communicate with him!

 

Warm Hugs to You :-)

[Jade]

Stargazer, thanks a lot for your constructive feedback! After posting my message, I thought about my situation again, and you are right. I should concerntarte more on what we have instead of what's lacking. I guess I just feel a bit frustrated. Even if we do not end up as boyfriend/girlfriend, the bottom line is that he enjoys my company and wants to talk to me when we are not physically together, so a really good friendship can still come out of it, right? Again, thanks a lot for your positive massage. Got your warm hugs!

[Stargazer]

You are so very welcome Jade :-)

 

Your thoughts and frustration are very natural! I kinda thought you two were boyfriend/girlfriend - it sounds like you are but then again that's just a matter of labelling yourselves, isn't it?! LOL It's what you both feel that really matters. You are both certainly very fond of each other - much more than just friends.

 

You know, what you two have got going is far more important than the physical side at the moment, you are setting up the foundations for a great relationship, communication, trust, respect - get these right and the rest will follow naturally. This is how things SHOULD be, not the other way round. Sex can really confuse things if it happens too early, people tend to have sex first then try to get the foundations going, it usually only creates a mess because perceptions are based on the sex. If he was all over you you'd think he just wanted sex, which he obviously doesn't, he wants much more!

 

Keep focusing on what you've got, it's all very good. I didn't have sex with my first 'real' boyfriend for three months (we saw each other every day), we took it real slow, got to know each other very well, when we did it was fantastic, we were together for 6 years, engaged (then I broke it off for some insane reason - not to do with him).

 

Remember genuine love is given without expectation of return. Also, there are only two emotions (I know this may sound corny or cliched, but it's very true, think about it) love and fear. Love is the acceptance of a person or situation exactly as it is - without judging, without expecting anything in return. Anything that doesn't come from love comes from fear and fear is the devil we have created.

 

Life's lessons are to do with letting go of the old devil, fear, and replacing it with love. It often helps to ask yourself if you are ruled by love or fear, does you action or reaction come from love or fear? Love is always stronger than fear, love is light and light can always penetrate darkness, darkness can't pull out light. Fear is to do with feelings of not being good enough, of not being lovable, if we aren't good enough or lovable enough, we fear we'll ultimately be rejected, the rejection means we will be separate and alone. It's this fear, it's deep, which causes us to protect ourselves with walls, we shut ourselves off by creating things in our minds, we end up truly create our own separation.

 

Anyway I've dribble enough here to put a zen master to sleep, take care.

 

*Warm Hugs and Rainbow Light to You*