The end of the affair...

[TheOW2]

So, I am the other woman... This has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life... Just looking to exchange thoughts or any experiences with those that have been here...

 

So, I met him in April of 2012... He bought a car from me. I was immediately attracted to him and noticed he was not wearing a ring. He invited me to coffee and I went... We visited for two hours and really hit it off...not once mentioning the wife. Invited me on another date...that I willingly agreed to... And then the day before the date, he asks me, "You know I'm married, right?"

 

So, at that point, no...date.

 

Now, he finds some really good deals on cars, and over coffee he had agreed to keep an eye out for a car for my teen. He found one and I bought it... We went together to go pick it up across town and even though I was clear about no dating, I truly enjoyed the connection with this man...

 

Fast forward... and needless to say... An affair began and ended several times over the course of the 15 months. The connection became very deep in recent months and we began to really explore what a future together would be like... There is a lot more to share here, but for the sake of getting to the point, I'll just say that I truly caved to this man... I have fallen pretty deeply in love.

 

In the recent few weeks, we began planning a future together... Telling his wife, where he'd stay, how we would handle some of the family communications (all of our children are grown), and he came completely clean to his wife. Initially, he truly believed that she would leave him... But that is not the case. They have grown to communicate at a very deep level and have truly tried to reconcile... All the while... I bet you can guess... He and I are still in communication... Still in love. He shares of his conflict and I allow it... We are no longer sleeping together and I am sincerely trying to stay away... The last two weeks have been pretty crushing. Not eating well, not sleeping, headaches, nausea...crying at the most random moments...and often just breaking down when there is enough privacy... I fought this man off many more times than I caved to him, and the second I really let go and believed in it... it was over.

 

We spoke today... We had a lovely chat about the letting go process... It was truly a shift and I felt so much stronger and relieved... but then the other aspects of the exchange began... The joking about sex... The undercurrent of seeing each other again in a day or so...or plans for Friday to go to lunch... Same pathway...same desire to see him...be with him....no matter how clear or strong I wish I could be... Under it all, hopeful... So, I sent him an email...to express my overview of our chats for the day... That there was a shift towards letting go, but that I'm relieved that we are not completely cutting each other out of each others lives... There was of course some joking about the sex in there and mention of lunch...and... the response I got back was "Stop emailing my husband you ****ing bitch"

 

And so... a little exchange/confrontation with the wife ensued... I've called her a fool... I've called her fragile and desperate... I've told her to save her dignity.

 

And now I feel like ****... I am not out to hurt anyone. Enough people have been hurt already... There is no recovering from today... I can't take back my words, but I reacted in defense... The email she found was a private email account that he had created separately to stay in contact with me and I don't know how she found it, but I tell you, there is so much there for her to see... So, much that I know she is not prepared to see... Her head has been in the sand about so much of this.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm even looking for in posting here, other than to say being the other woman sucks... I want to find some dignity of my own... I want to not be fragile or desperate, as I so ungraciously called her... and yet I have been.

 

For those that have ended the affair... The OP/OW/OM... Especially those that planned a life with the MM/MW/MP... Tell me your story... how did it end? I'm just looking for others experience with this as I've never been here...and I didn't want to be. I could not find the discipline and now I am really paying for it...

[coffeebean201]

Some of the stories end well, some don't.

 

What are his actions towards you.

forget all the stuff he says.

 

love is a spectrum, and when a man really loves you - his actions are really clear.

[Clemenza]

For those that have ended the affair... The OP/OW/OM... Especially those that planned a life with the MM/MW/MP... Tell me your story... how did it end? I'm just looking for others experience with this as I've never been here...and I didn't want to be. I could not find the discipline and now I am really paying for it...

 

First of all, welcome. I hope this board can be as helpful for you as it has been for me and many others. There's a real emotional and painful side of being the OW/OM in these situations, and it's great to have a place in which to converse with individuals who have dealt with the same struggles.

 

In my situation, I was the OM. I met my xMW last January at work. We slowly began having something of an EA a few weeks later. In early May, our PA began. It lasted until D-day in December. After that, we had LC. It wasn't NC because we had to see each other at the office. Between January and May of this year, we professed our love for each other numerous times. In February, I said I'd like to be with her when she was single. She and her H were living separately and going through the divorce process. He ended up finding out I wanted to be with her, and he sent me an email saying I was destroying his family. That was a mini D-day, and it led me to believe she wasn't being truthful with me about the process of her divorce. In early April, she asked me again whether I would be with her. I told her that I didn't know, and there's so much that's surrounding the situation that it may not be the best idea. I still said I love her, though, and I would be with her in an ideal world. In May, I wrote her a beautiful letter putting everything on the table. I didn't want to lose her, and wanted to try something with her. Unbeknownst to me, she had already started MC and moved back in with her H. We had sex for the last time a week later (while she was in MC and living with her H again). In mid-May, we decided we needed to avoid each other and not have contact outside of work. That's worked out ok, for the most part. We've had some contact since then, but nothing compared to what it was. May was a dark time for me. That's when I think our relationship really ended.

 

Fast forward two months to right now, and I'm doing great. IC has helped quite a bit, as has LC with my xMW. I've gained some valuable perspective, and can think about my situation in a calm and rational way. I've even put myself out there and met a woman with whom I connected and developed an interest in. I still have love for my xMW, and care about her a lot, but I'm not pining for her. I've accepted things for what they are, and I'm choosing to happily move on with my life.

 

Our A lasted for about 15 months, in varying stages. It was amazing and gut-wrenching at the same time. We had plenty of ups and downs, and countless attempts at NC. So the process wasn't even close to seamless, but I'm now experiencing the type of inner peace that I haven't had in a long time. Even though it might not seem possible at times, you WILL eventually find peace within yourself. There ARE other people out there, as well. That doesn't cheapen whatever love you may have felt with your AP. It's just that sometimes it takes more than love to make a relationship work.

Edited July 23, 2013 by Clemenza

[krazikat]

So, I am the other woman... This has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life... Just looking to exchange thoughts or any experiences with those that have been here...

 

So, I met him in April of 2012... He bought a car from me. I was immediately attracted to him and noticed he was not wearing a ring. He invited me to coffee and I went... We visited for two hours and really hit it off...not once mentioning the wife. Invited me on another date...that I willingly agreed to... And then the day before the date, he asks me, "You know I'm married, right?"

 

So, at that point, no...date.

 

Now, he finds some really good deals on cars, and over coffee he had agreed to keep an eye out for a car for my teen. He found one and I bought it... We went together to go pick it up across town and even though I was clear about no dating, I truly enjoyed the connection with this man...

 

Fast forward... and needless to say... An affair began and ended several times over the course of the 15 months. The connection became very deep in recent months and we began to really explore what a future together would be like... There is a lot more to share here, but for the sake of getting to the point, I'll just say that I truly caved to this man... I have fallen pretty deeply in love.

 

In the recent few weeks, we began planning a future together... Telling his wife, where he'd stay, how we would handle some of the family communications (all of our children are grown), and he came completely clean to his wife. Initially, he truly believed that she would leave him... But that is not the case. They have grown to communicate at a very deep level and have truly tried to reconcile... All the while... I bet you can guess... He and I are still in communication... Still in love. He shares of his conflict and I allow it... We are no longer sleeping together and I am sincerely trying to stay away... The last two weeks have been pretty crushing. Not eating well, not sleeping, headaches, nausea...crying at the most random moments...and often just breaking down when there is enough privacy... I fought this man off many more times than I caved to him, and the second I really let go and believed in it... it was over.

 

We spoke today... We had a lovely chat about the letting go process... It was truly a shift and I felt so much stronger and relieved... but then the other aspects of the exchange began... The joking about sex... The undercurrent of seeing each other again in a day or so...or plans for Friday to go to lunch... Same pathway...same desire to see him...be with him....no matter how clear or strong I wish I could be... Under it all, hopeful... So, I sent him an email...to express my overview of our chats for the day... That there was a shift towards letting go, but that I'm relieved that we are not completely cutting each other out of each others lives... There was of course some joking about the sex in there and mention of lunch...and... the response I got back was "Stop emailing my husband you ****ing bitch"

 

And so... a little exchange/confrontation with the wife ensued... I've called her a fool... I've called her fragile and desperate... I've told her to save her dignity.

 

And now I feel like ****... I am not out to hurt anyone. Enough people have been hurt already... There is no recovering from today... I can't take back my words, but I reacted in defense... The email she found was a private email account that he had created separately to stay in contact with me and I don't know how she found it, but I tell you, there is so much there for her to see... So, much that I know she is not prepared to see... Her head has been in the sand about so much of this.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure what I'm even looking for in posting here, other than to say being the other woman sucks... I want to find some dignity of my own... I want to not be fragile or desperate, as I so ungraciously called her... and yet I have been.

 

For those that have ended the affair... The OP/OW/OM... Especially those that planned a life with the MM/MW/MP... Tell me your story... how did it end? I'm just looking for others experience with this as I've never been here...and I didn't want to be. I could not find the discipline and now I am really paying for it...

 

It doesnt sound like her head was in the sand but that she was kept in the dark, as is typical for a bs whose spouse is cheating. The cheating spouse will often do whatever they can to keep bs in the dark so the A can continue, then they lie to ap to keep the game going. I am sorry you are hurting, affairs are a nasty business. How do you know he admitted the affair prior to this? How did you feel keeping up your A when he was supposedly really working on things with his wife (which he wasnt since he was still involved with you)?

 

I have never been ow, but I have been bs. What I can tell you from my situation is that as soon as I discovered the A, it was over. Instantly. My H has fought tooth and nail to keep me, and he dropped ow without question. And his was a long term affair of years. I didnt have my head in the sand during that time...I had no idea of his A until I discovered it.

 

I just hate hearing an ap make those comments about a bs who was lied to and kept in the dark as having their head in the sand. Honestly, you have no idea what he told her, what their life together was like...but you already do know more about his lies and cheating than bs...so why be mad at her?

 

What I see in you is that you do feel guilt about this...so what are you going to do if he tries to keep your A going but stay with his wife under a false r? I hope you have the self respect to not allow that! Now is the time for him to decide....w or you? Dont let him sit on the fence and gaslight his wife with a false r while keeping up the A. You deserve more than that.

[veryhappy]

You can read my story too.

 

My advice? Stop talking. To her. To him. That feeling that you know the real him and he wouldn't hurt you...he'll throw you under the bus and run it back and forth and back and forth until you won't be able to breathe. He'll tell her whatever he needs to and it will leave you shocked, betrayed, and in a puddle of blood. In my case, he threw me under the bus without even needing to do that because she didn't find out about me. I became the obstacle in the path of his great family life. He realized he has never wanted to be with me, and I suppose I just seduced him and twisted his head into it.

 

All you can do is to tell him to eff off and go NC. It's hard though, as emotions run high. I was out of my mind when my A ended. So I strongly suggest that you don't do anything and don't talk to them. You'll only be the crazy bunny boiler and give them a reason to bond over the trauma of you being the enemy.

[TheOW2]

Thank you all for your contributions. I am grateful I found this site. Talking about this with anyone has been difficult. I appreciate all the thoughts and am hopeful to remain in no contact so I can begin to heal with some sincerity... This has been a very harsh lesson.

[ComingInHot]

OW2, Life lessons usually Are tough to learn and very painful. I understand your hurt and it breaks my heart that you enabled this MM to engage in the A and leave you And His Wife in pieces.

 

Have you thought of the pain You have felt from a 15 month A in terms of His Wife and years & Years & YEARS of pain?

 

I have learned A' s are pretty selfish, during & sometimes even after when thinking of what has been lost. It wasn't until my H stopped being selfish that he truly realized how much pain & damage he caused innocent people.

The exow never looked past her own wants and loss and pain. I felt really bad for her as she could have learned a valuable lesson YEARS before she actually did...

Don't let that be you*

[HopingAgain]

I truly believe lot of these MM are trying to get caught, and the OW is a pawn in some kind of game he is playing with his wife.

 

I tend to get overly analytical, but here is my belief: I believe a lot of men have A's because they feel emasculated by their W. The A is a way of raging:"hey you B*tch you can't stop me from being a man!" Not that all BS's are bitches---there's more than one way to emasculate a fragile male ego. Which is why reconciliation seldom works and the MM stays in contact with OW. Because they never address that issue in the M--it's too un-PC to talk about in modern day counseling.

 

But here's the kicker---the OW doesn't really make him feel like a man, either. Because he feels like a lying weasel, slinking around, when really what he wants is to confront the W!!! But he has no guts. So he gets you to share in that responsibility and create a big, inevitable blow-up of a DDAY to lance the festering boil of the marriage. And you are thrown under the bus, because you served your purpose...to potentially fix their marriage.

 

This is my take. Others will disagree.

 

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. But I really feel there are no accidents. She did not just " find" that secret email. He left his computer logged in and sitting out. Also if he asked you on a date with no ring, he is a premeditated predator-type MM. This did not "just happen."

 

Just do yourself a favor and accept NO RESPONSIBILITY for his problems. DO not help or defend him or listen to his woes. He does not care that your life became collateral damage, why should you care about his? Let him make a choice and come to you when he comes out the other end of this a man and not a mouse.

 

I really agree with this, some MM definitely take the passive aggressive approach when dealing with their wives. I also think he wanted to get caught, out of guilt, or to make his BS sit up and take notice.