got married in cuba, mistake?

[mainstream]

hi and thanks for reading, i'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

 

I went to cuba because I have family there, and I also wanted to settle down with a girl. I may have rushed things, I mean I'm only 22 and I only knew the girl a month max before I got married.

 

She's 17, really cute, told me she was a virgin, found out she wasn't, I forgave her. I must also mention she is my uncle's wife's neese. My uncle told me nothing but good things about her.

 

At the beginning it was great, but a few weeks into the relationship we left my uncle's house. That's when the arguments started (it's also when we had sex for the first time)

 

We got married, but before and after that there was still arguments. I was in love though (as far as I know) and I wanted to make her mine.

 

The arguments were over stupid things. I admit I have a jealousy problem, and I did some unjust things to her like grab her by the throat one time and yell at her, as well snatch a handheld video game from her hands and throw it at the wall in the middle of her playing with it. In my defense, she was talking about how her previous boyfriend was better looking than me. She later said she was only joking though.

 

Anyway, I leave cuba after only knowing her about a month and a half. I'm now in the process of doing her papers so she can come live with me.

I call or text her almost every day. It's very very expensive to do all this.

 

A quick explanation of how normal Cubans receive calls from the outer world: IT'S VERY IMPORTANT BECAUSE ITS HELLA EXPENSIVE.

When I first got back to the USA I would call her and everything would be cool, she would say how much she misses me and how she just wants me to come back and blah blah blah lovey dubby stuff.

Sometimes we would argue over the phone too though. And recently she picks up the phone and acts really cold with me, never says I love you anymore and things like that.

 

I send her money every once in a while. One time, the day after I sent her some money, she brings up that she wants to get a small tattoo. She had mentioned it before a lot of times while I was in Cuba too. I say no and she gets mad.

within 30 minutes I also get a text that she mistakenly sent to me. The text reads:

"john doe, i don't know whats going on that my calls arn't going through to you, I really like seeing your calls, kisses."

 

She immediately sends another text to me saying that john doe is her cousin, blah blah blah. I still doubt. So I call her dad and ask if she has a cousin named so and so. He says no.

Eventually she says it was actually her friend from school, and that she only lied because she knows how jealous I would get if she had told me it was a guy friend.

Some people who are Cuban that i've talked to about this message say that's a normal way to talk to a friend in Cuban etiquette.

 

Another thing is that she keeps wanting to go visit her dad who lives a little bit far away (she lives with her mom). I remember her telling me about her past relationship and how her dad has a strong dislike for the guy for whatever reason. This kind of makes me connect the dots and logically i'm going to think the guy lives where her dad does. By the way, out where her dad lives her cell phone (which i bought her) gets no reception according to her, so I have to call her at her dad's house phone.

 

So the reason she gives for wanting to go visit her dad a lot is that she just graduated high school, and her high school was in Havana, and she was there for 3 years. Now that she's back to the city she's from, she wants to make up for lost time with her dad.

 

I'm going to stop before I keep rambling. I know this is hard to read because of my retarded grammer skills and bad organization of thoughts, but hopefully someone will help me out. Just keep in mind the economic situation in Cuba, my age, her age, and etc. thanks

Edited July 23, 2013 by mainstream

[Zahara]

If I was your mother, I'd knock you upside your head.

 

Get an annullment. She's a child and so are you.

 

And get your temper in check.

[mainstream]

I want to make the marriage work. But can someone let me know what they think about the text mistakenly sent to me? Do you think its really just a friend?

[Zahara]

Friend or not, at 17, she certainly isn't developed emotionally and mentally for such a commitment, and neither are you.

[GorillaTheater]

I want to make the marriage work. But can someone let me know what they think about the text mistakenly sent to me? Do you think its really just a friend?

 

Of course it's not from a "friend".

 

I find myself actually cutting her some slack on this clusterf*ck, because she IS just a kid. But she doesn't need to grow up on your dime.

 

Annulment.

[mainstream]

I appreciate everyones replies, ven the people calling me dumb and stuff. But i want to give her the benefit of the doubt about the text. Thats my main concern, the text. Id like some more opinions on it though

[GorillaTheater]

I appreciate everyones replies, ven the people calling me dumb and stuff. But i want to give her the benefit of the doubt about the text. Thats my main concern, the text. Id like some more opinions on it though

 

Okay, to clarify my earlier post, it seems pretty obvious to me that she's boinking this dude. Maybe other guys as well, who knows? I'm sure this is hard to hear, but understand that it's no reflection on you at all. She's a 17-year-old girl, doing what girls that age often do. It's just where she's at right now. She was probably hugely flattered at your marriage proposal. I mean, we're talking major princess sparkle ponies here, right? But she was really in no place to accept.

 

Chank it off as a hugely painful learning experience and move on.

[Ninjainpajamas]

That doesn't sound like a text message you would send a friend, sounds like she is definitely seeing another guy from the sound of it.

 

What's really crazy though as this whole thing sounds a bit planned...I think you're getting played by everyone here, either that it's just a highly ridiculous situation and your family should have shipped you back before you married this 17 year old girl....and 17, 18, 19...pretty much the same difference, not sure why people are up in arms over that, maybe it's not legal but from an experience point of view it's the same damn difference.

 

The whole situation has bad written all over it and you're clearly pu$$y whipped, but after that new car smell fades away you're going to wish you never made this mistake, I'm fairly certain your regret will come swiftly. You really need to slap yourself around a for a few hours until you really start thinking with your head...yeah I know you like this girl, she's probably hot and you probably love boinking her but this is not worth the price of admission...not only is this girl young, she a liar and extremely naive and immature from the sound of it...and you, need to get a hold of your temper because that will get worse, the situation will escalate and to arguing and you just known each other for a month? that is extremely ridiculous and a bad sign if there ever was one...this is going to be absolute disaster.

 

You need to really get your head out of your butt fast and get this marriage annulled, you can always go back to Cuba and marry some other girl desperate for papers and worldy travel...but this is a horrible idea right now, you're in way over your head and by the time you figure that out or realize it yourself, it's going to be too late...you've got a long life and a lot of options in it, don't be stupid....if it's apart of your culture or whatever you want to say to settle down, maybe start a family and all that crap...this isn't the girl to do it with...she's not even that into you, she's into someone or other guys, she's probably falling for guys left and right.

[mainstream]

anyone at all give her the benefit of the doubt? is there anything I can do or say to her to find out the definitive truth before I make my decision on to continue the marriage or annul/divorce?

 

if it gets down to breaking up, how should I act?

[GorillaTheater]

anyone at all give her the benefit of the doubt? is there anything I can do or say to her to find out the definitive truth before I make my decision on to continue the marriage or annul/divorce?

 

Up to you, since it's your life, but I wouldn't bother. It's hard enough for a spouse to get the truth when they live together. A thousand threads around here are testament to that. I think you know enough.

 

if it gets down to breaking up, how should I act?

 

Calm, cool, and collected. "I don't think you're ready to be a wife. If I didn't know that before, I finally understood it when I got that text and you couldn't tell me the truth about it. You're young, and you should be able to enjoy yourself while you're young, without having to lie to anybody about it. I wish you the best."

[ExpatInItaly]

anyone at all give her the benefit of the doubt?

 

No. We don't. You can keep asking the same question, but you're unlikely to get the answer you want to hear.

 

is there anything I can do or say to her to find out the definitive truth before I make my decision on to continue the marriage or annul/divorce?

 

No, there really isn't.

 

if it gets down to breaking up, how should I act?

 

Walk away and be glad you didn't get suckered further into being this child's ticket/sponsor to the U.S. Given the timeline of events and basically no real relationship to speak of, your ages and your history of violence with her, chances are EXTREMELY slim you'd even be approved for this. Sorry.

 

And never put your hands on someone in anger. You have some serious growing up to do too, in addition to learning how not to abuse girls or women. Neither of you is ready for marriage.

[The Way I Am]

It doesn't matter whether she's cheating with another guy or not. You fight to the point of getting violent, and you don't trust her. Are arguments, violence and mistrust really what you want in your life?

 

Calm, cool, and collected. "I don't think you're ready to be a wife. If I didn't know that before, I finally understood it when I got that text and you couldn't tell me the truth about it. You're young, and you should be able to enjoy yourself while you're young, without having to lie to anybody about it. I wish you the best."

 

This is good advice, except I'd make it less about her and more about BOTH of you. Neither of you are in a place where you really know what marriage or having a healthy relationship is about. You have a violent temper. She's still into flirting with boys.

 

"I don't think either of us are ready to be married. We didn't really understand what we were getting into. With the fighting and lack of trust, we're better off ending this now before it gets worse. We both have a lot of growing up to do and our whole lives ahead of us to find the right relationship. This one just isn't it."

[GorillaTheater]

Excellent point. I had forgotten about his abusiveness when I posted.

 

It is indeed a two-way street.

[Radu]

Okay, to clarify my earlier post, it seems pretty obvious to me that she's boinking this dude. Maybe other guys as well, who knows? I'm sure this is hard to hear, but understand that it's no reflection on you at all. She's a 17-year-old girl, doing what girls that age often do. It's just where she's at right now. She was probably hugely flattered at your marriage proposal. I mean, we're talking major princess sparkle ponies here, right? But she was really in no place to accept.

 

Chank it off as a hugely painful learning experience and move on.

 

Added to this, she has the chance to come to the US.

 

OP, you remain married to this girl, in 2yrs time she will divorce you and bring over to the US her 'friend'.