Backsliding so quickly, what now?

[tryingtoevolve]

:lmao:Hi there, I am posting in Separation and Divorce rather than Coping because I need the wisdom of those going through more than a breakup.

 

The facts, I have been married only 3 years, less than when separated this April. I have a wonderful 2 year old son and truly thought my STBX was the love of my life. I felt that I was a very good and extremely supportive wife. My Ex had prior issues with substance abuse, had a difficult upbringing (although he is repressed and now denies this) and never had a proper role model as far as relationships are concerned. His mother has treated partners, children and husbands all relationships really as disposable. I was the first real relationship after sobriety and he now behaves like a selfish, self-serving dry drunk. He was quick to leave, will not discuss anything to do with our relationships and everything revolves around his schedule. He has said that he is not discounting reconciliation someday but he feels nothing either way as of now. I have struggled between fighting for my marriage/family and putting in the work to really move on.

 

I feel as if he is confused and I am possibly plan b. He has had a very unhealthy relationship with his ex that pretty much put the nail in our marriage. He was disrespectful and a liar, defensive and mean only when it came to his past relationship that he described as something he was ashamed of and a nightmare. It was very abusive, but again, now he denies all of this to himself and lives in an overly optimistic fantasy land. He seems to forgive everyone for heinous actions and slams me for even the slightest perceived wrong doing.

 

I attempted to work the 180's mainly for myself and partly because of the breadcrumbs I have been fed. I have worked my butt to the bone since April grieving, listening, trying and mostly working on myself. I have acknowledged my part in the failing of my marriage, really got into that and he has validated what I thought was my part of it. Today however....

 

He sent me some text messages, I have been trying to act more business like since he has shut me out emotionally and refuses to communicate per the 180 suggestions. Not cold just to the point. He accused me of being rude, trying to make him feel bad. This initiated a texting conversation, I tried calling him and he ignored my calls. He answered only with short answers when he felt like it but mostly ignored me. I tried to say my piece in a respectful way, show my side and generally let him know that I couldn't take his disrespect any longer and that it was time for me to move on since he would not work with me to clear the air and move on from our issues.

 

Really our marriage wasn't that bad, I took my vows to heart. But this is what it is. I feel like by standing up for myself, and with him ignoring me, I have lost my power. I yes, I needed him to know I didn't deserve his behavior...why now do I feel like the scum of the earth?

 

I feel like I backslid on all my hard work? How do I recover? And what is going on with him. Is he confused and I am just acting too unattractive by stating my needs and feelings? He refuses to have a discussion of any merit in person, says he does not want to text but dodges my calls when he feels like it?

 

I basically let him know that if he couldn't talk to me and have an adult discussion about our situation that I would from now on limit my contact to about our son. It broke my heart to do this. Am I on the right track here?

 

Anyone have experience with separating and divorcing from a dry drunk?

 

Please help, thank you.

[Yasuandio]

Hon, first, I want to thank you personally for your kind words on my recent drama thread called, "Wake Up, Don't Be An Idiot!". You touched my heart, made me feel like I was worth something. I am making that point to you for a reason. And sweetheart, this is just my own personal theory, that I am applying here. So, basically, what I just said to you in this paragraph is that it feels good when I hear someone remind me that I am not a POS. Let's start with that, ok? [What that implies is that something occured previously that caused me to perceive myself as a helpless POS, and I was, indeed backsliding and acting like one].

 

So here's my theory: The POS's MO is typically to bring u down to their level, due to their own insecurities, therefore causing u to feel like a POS too.

 

Once the POS worms his way into your mind, it becomes a rather habit forming default mode.....that is, an issue arrises (confrontation, disagreement, stand-off, etc.), and immediately, POS pushes your buttons with his MO (typically passive-aggressive behavior, blameshifting, gaslight, re-writing history, threats, withdrawal of affection or intimacy, abandonment, etc.), consequently making you feel like a POS also (his level). Rinse and repeat. One thing you can count on is the cycle will continue to pattern itself over time. (look to the past history of your relationship before and during the marriage to see the already established dynamic).

 

You have been married 3 years, and possess the exact quality of information I possessed 25 years ago. Why not ask yourself this question today?

 

Do I want to contend with these same issues in year 2038?

 

Hon, I'm not being sarcastic. Project this out, and see if you might like a chance for a different type of person in your life over the next 25 years. Seriously. Once it is past, and u r in your 50's, you cannot get it back.

 

As well, for your son, at two years old, as he grows, perhaps a different male role model may be a better idea? or even none at all would be a better choice. Think about it that way.

 

One thing is for sure and certain. If u stay with this POS, then u r not available to have any other experiences with a nice man. And the more u allow yourself to have your own self esteme destroyed thru this POS's MO techniques (of which you are fully aware), the more psyched out you will be, and damaged to your confidence will become more deeply embedded.

 

I will write more when I can get a computer honey. Yas

[mbethb]

Trying,

 

I'm so sorry you're going though this. It's so hard isn't it? I agree with YAS that you don't want to be dealing with this 5, 10 years down the road.

 

As hard as it is, we have to take it day by day until it gets easier.

 

I realizing now that I was totally gas-lighted and made to believe that I was a terrible person. Hell, he even admitted in therapy that he'd built a case against he so he could justify what he was doing. Yet he still chose to leave and didn't try very hard to make things right.

 

I'm in the same boat as you in the fact that I was 100% sure that I was married for life. People used to comment on how perfect we were for each other and how they envied our relationship. Well, no envy for me now.

 

I hope you find some peace.