Regaining Trust

[Queen of Sheba]

So, how as BS did you start to trust your WS again? I think I can 98% trust that WS won't have another affair but actually it's everything else. The hundreds of lies he told throughout the affair and of course all the lies when found out and the more lies as like all the other WS liars he starts to tell the truth it exposes other lies. You know, all those lies you have heard! The promises we now get that are yet to be proven.

 

At the moment I trust nothing. 3 months after d day there's a long way to go. He has just started to realise that there is a huge amount around the trust issue that isn't just "won't have another affair" but yet to get to grips with how to build that trust I think.

 

What trust issues do you/did you have how do you dea/dealt with them? Mine are around everything he says and everything he does lol!!!!!!!!!! Not quite but you know what I mean!

[road]

Trust is not given back. Trust is earned back. Trust will never comeback 100%.

 

Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley is a good start for recovery.

[Queen of Sheba]

Trust is not given back. Trust is earned back. Trust will never comeback 100%.

 

Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley is a good start for recovery.

Oh absolutely trust is earned. I hope that is sinking into WS. I don't think it will come back 100% How can it after the biggest betrayal anyone could do. Wonder of its different parts that come back or just a gradual build up. At the moment fo rme it's at rock bottom.

[Confused48]

Can you stay with him without trust? I think that is what you have to be willing to do, unfortunately. Even if you don't stay with him you have to realize that the blinders are now off. You likely won't ever trust anyone again like you trusted your H back before the affair.

[Queen of Sheba]

Can you stay with him without trust?.

 

Don't know depends how hard he works on building it. At the moment it is 0. He knows it and knows he has to work hard but sadly only time will tell how much I can live with/out.

 

 

I think that is what you have to be willing to do, unfortunately. Even if you don't stay with him you have to realize that the blinders are now off. You likely won't ever trust anyone again like you trusted your H back before the affair.

Yep he's broken all that too.

[dichotomy]

Trust as flucuated up and down. There were some f'ups by wife since Dday that caused it to gown down (hiding things from me), but there were also some good things she did that helped over the years as well. Its a mixed bag.

 

A few things she did which helped included - Giving me her smart phone a couple of times when I could not find mine and I needed to go run erands. One old boyfriend (unrelated to any past betrayls) sent her a letter seeing if she wanted to reconnect, she let me know immediately.

 

But there were bad things as well, stumbles, that she really messed up on that lead me to check up on her again.

 

I guess trust will never be 100%.

[BetrayedH]

Rebuilding trust is in his court. Every minute you give to him to do it is a gift. The timetable is entirely up to you. If he fails to restore it before you've lost patience, those are the consequences of his actions. If he feels that he can't do it, make sure he is aware of the location of the door so he can leave.

[Snowflower]

I say that you should trust yourself first and foremost. That is what I learned from all the fallout.

 

Trust your instincts, your gut and your own perceptions.

 

Affairs mess you up for sure but remember that you have always been there for yourself even if your less than loyal husband has not!

 

Never again will I trust someone else fully and that kind of sucks. That doesn't matter whether I stay with my H or not. But on the other hand, trusting myself first has been almost like a gift to myself.

[dichotomy]

The problem with trust and gut - it is gets all mixed up.

 

Example

 

It is normal and kind of expected in long term marriages that the sexual desire or activiity from one or both partners will go up and down right? I mean even without any affairs, normal faithful married people complain or get perplexed why their spouse's sex interest or acts have changed. Usually it swings back up again.

 

But add in a past affair or betryal ? and then the "red alerts" go off. My wife in the last year has really pulled back on sex.... and my trust went out the window again. Even our therapist asked her if she was having another affair again.

 

sigh.

Edited July 24, 2013 by dichotomy

[PhoenixRise]

I say that you should trust yourself first and foremost. That is what I learned from all the fallout.

 

Trust your instincts, your gut and your own perceptions.

 

Affairs mess you up for sure but remember that you have always been there for yourself even if your less than loyal husband has not!

 

Never again will I trust someone else fully and that kind of sucks. That doesn't matter whether I stay with my H or not. But on the other hand, trusting myself first has been almost like a gift to myself.

 

I wish I could "like" this post 1000 times.

 

Before you can trust your husband again you have to relearn how to trust yourself again. Trust your own instincts.

 

It is necessary for your own healing. It is necessary for your peace of mind. It is necessary for a truly healthy marriage.

 

AND

 

it takes time.

[Snowflower]

The problem with trust and gut - it is gets all mixed up.

 

Example

 

It is normal and kind of expected in long term marriages that the sexual desire or activiity from one or both partners will go up and down right? I mean even without any affairs, normal faithful married people complain or get perplexed why their spouse's sex interest or acts have changed. Usually it swings back up again.

 

But add in a past affair or betryal ? and then the "red alerts" go off. My wife in the last year has really pulled back on sex.... and my trust went out the window again. Even our therapist asked her if she was having another affair again.

 

sigh.

 

Yep, everything like this becomes more complicated when trust has been compromised. What would have been annoying/irritating before the A or without the A is completely troubling nowadays.

 

I still say, go with your gut and delve into what is really going on when a situation like what you describe comes up post-affair.

 

Another poster has often mentioned the "trust but verify" approach. Or as I say, give them the benefit of the doubt but don't blindly trust/assume that nothing more sinister is going on.

[dichotomy]

Yep, everything like this becomes more complicated when trust has been compromised. What would have been annoying/irritating before the A or without the A is completely troubling nowadays.

 

I still say, go with your gut and delve into what is really going on when a situation like what you describe comes up post-affair.

 

Another poster has often mentioned the "trust but verify" approach. Or as I say, give them the benefit of the doubt but don't blindly trust/assume that nothing more sinister is going on.

 

We are delving into whats going on (sex drought) in therapy. No answers yet, but we have a fantastic therapist on that issue.

 

I subscribe to "trust your gut" and reluctantly to "trust but verify". The down side of this - is that I don't want to verify - I feel crappy - about checking up on her... that makes me into the parent or cop... or the N$A ...or something. It is one thing to loose trust, but when I have to rerun a mini investigation - when something like this comes up in our marriage like this - it just sucks for me twice.

 

I have a sister married to an alcoholic. Even when he is years sober - she sees some change in him, or he is late getting home from work, or acting off, or something - and then she is looking under the couch or in his tool room for little brown bottles again.