Same old story?

[awkward001]

Hi, newbie here. Have never posted in any forum ever so please be gentle!

 

So my story begins online, he contacted me through an social networking site for an innocent reason (organising a meet-up of members in Australia). We started chatting a little bit, by the second day he proposed talking through a messenger service without a restricted word limit and that's where it took off. We were msging pretty much non stop for the next two days, like 500

messages or more. One the second day he told me that he had a girlfriend and I wasn't sure how to take that. But we weren't overtly flirting and he wanted

to keep talking so I thought that meant it was ok? He added me on face/book that night as well, which seemed kind of funny so soon.

 

Over the next week we messaged non-stop, from the moment we woke up until falling asleep. By the end of the first week we were saying that we kind of love each other, and this is crazy we're like obsessed with each other and this has never happened before. On Friday he went out for dinner with his gf and I had a proper look at his fb page for the first time, where his status was actually ENGAGED to this girl. He was sending messages and photos throughout the dinner and I brought it up when he got home. He just said "do you hate me?" and it kind of got swept under the carpet since we were still pretending like we were just friends I guess?

 

By the end of the second week, he said he was in love with me. The level of contact was still a bit out of control, with us talking non stop all day and for several hours each night. He would mention sometimes that he is worried about me getting hurt and there is this and then there is reality. The reality he was talking about is they have been together for five years, are engaged, and have bought a house together last year. In my mind I guess, that is as good as married I guess my point is, he has never implied this was going anywhere, despite countless I love you's and telling me he is obsessed with me and cannot stop thinking about me. We would send pictures every day, just silly pictures at work and eventually kind of underwear photos. It kept escalating with phone calls, every day and twice a day. Video chat, where we would just stare at each other for two hours. We talked about what meeting would be like and he said it might be easier to meet while his fiancé was away just so it wouldn't be weird explaining who he was going out meet.

 

Anyway after four weeks he said, you should think about coming next weekend. Lots of freaking out from both of us, but I bought a plane ticket (he lives on the other side of the country) and I flew over. I paid for the flight and he insisted on booking a hotel. We spent an amazing weekend together, and maybe naive of me to think it wouldn't happen, we slept together. I need to add at this point that he is 32 and I am 31. I have only ever slept with one other person at this point and am usually so guarded, and he knew this. We slept together without protection despite me bringing it up a few times (after each, um, incident. Saying this is crazy, we should be more careful). I should have been more assertive but I was embarrassed and don't have much experience with these things. I don't understand why he would risk it though, knowing I was not taking birth control. On the last night we went back to stay at his house (awful, I know:( ) because he was missing his cats. We stayed in the guest room but I felt horrible for doing that. And why risk it?? They even have a granny flat with a tenant and know all the neighbours, it just seems risky on his part.

 

Anyway, fast forward, being there I realised how established his life is with her and kind of realised it was crazy to think he'd leave her after only 5 weeks of knowing me. He was very conflicted as well, he has never cheated before and was quite upset at times. The first two weeks after me going home was very strange as he would constantly make sexual jokes about what happened but all the lovey dovey stuff was gone as the plan was to try and be friends. I still found it very hard to take. He still called most days and I was confused because on the phone he still said I love you a lot. At the end of two weeks we had a long talk and everything was out on the open about how we felt. I asked him if he ever thought about 'what if' when he was pushing to meet me and he said that he loves his life and the girl he is with and what he has, so to throw it all away would be crazy. But he did mean everything he had said to me and was sorry for hurting me by joking about it, he just didn't know how to handle it and the guilt was killing him. We finished talking on very good terms. I suggested we don't talk anymore and he said he didn't want that, just maybe not 8 hours a day and he doesn't speak to anybody on the phone every day. So I was sad but accepting and felt the best I had since returning home. Weekend was fine, medium level I messaging. Then monday he called, Tuesday called twice, Wednesday called, Saturday called. It's been 6 weeks since I flew there now and he called 4 or 5 times a week, always full of I love yous. Messaging is slowly increasing too. A few days ago we were messaging nonstop all day and then he called around 10pm his time. And was caught by his gf, said it was just a friend. He has never called from home before while she was there. Why would he risk that now?! And despite saying he cannot bear to talk about it, he brings up specific stuff that happened that weekend, sexually, CONSTANTLY, almost non stop.

 

I have rambled for so long, I'm sorry. I suppose my question is, is this going anywhere? I have so little experience in relationships but I have never felt this strongly about someone before. Is he trying to get caught? His phone bill was 5 times normal bill this months yet he continues calling. i have never called him and always try to let him message first. Does he think this is ok because we live so far away that it doesn't matter?

 

I have had a glass or two of wine be aide otherwise I wouldn't have the courage to post this, so I'm sorry if it so, so long and doesn't make sense. I just feel so lost, go from such highs after talking to him to lows where I questions whether this even means anything to him.

 

Any chance that this might work out?

 

Edited July 23, 2013 by awkward001
Accidentally sent

[happy stillmore]

My advice is run, run, run while you still can. Save your heart a lot of aches! You may fall harder if you meet in person. Sounds like he is a serial cheater. Ask him point blank whether he is leaving his fiance because you do not talk this way with a committed man. tell him you have morals. Believe me! I lost my sense of self (i was a moral person and I somehow forgot that when I had my R with MM. I felt like I lost myself. I didn't feel like me. I was alone because I couldn't tell anyone of this great love I thought I found. I was stressed out with worry about how my family would accept this. I broke it off after 3 years of constant contract. He was my closest friend. My M is not happy so I'm working on moving forward, living mri life honestly. You are in a good position. You are single and can easily say goodbye to this creep. Do you really want someone who us wiling to cheat on a fiance, whose love should be at his highest passion? I can almost rationalize (though it isn't right) people who have affairs after 20 - 30 years when things tends to get old and boring, not when you are engaged. He most definitely would cheat on you! Save yourself! Run!

Edited July 23, 2013 by happy stillmore

[awkward001]

Thanks for replying so fast! I already met him That's why I'm so confused now. Why would he risk so much? And continue talking and calling me now? I have such naive hope that means it meant something to him as well? Half the time I feel so stupid and half the time so hopeful. This is awful

[happy stillmore]

I'm sorry. I want able to see the rest of your post. I see you did meet. Still run, run, finger look back. You will save yourself and your heart. Mine is broken beyond repair. It is a horrible feeling.

[awkward001]

I'm sorry you're hurting too

 

Even saying it out loud it seems so obvious that you're right. Thanks for your advice, I hope everything works out for you. I never thought I'd be in this position either, I'm just so naive. When he says he loves me I just believe it and fool myself into thinking this must be something special for him to act this way as well. Arghh

[happy stillmore]

I was naive too, even though I was 40. I was married for 20 years. He is looking to hookup in the future. His wife, by then, won't know since you are out of the country. Please don't settle. you deserve so much more. you will be wishing your life away and then find you wasted that time when you could have been happy with someone else.

[happy stillmore]

We all want to be loved. I want that romantic, sweet love where we complete each other. We are a pair that everyone looks at and says Aaww. When MM and I were together, we were that couple but it was in a secret life. I wanted more. He wasnt in a position to move out. It would have financially affected is family. Although I have come to realize there will always be a reason he has to stay. His girls each getting married and grandchildren coming. your boyfriend will lik ly have children. Forget him leaving her for you then. Think about all of his actions: willing to lie to fiance, didn't respect your wish to condoms. He is self centered. You deserve to be #1, not a side piece.

Edited July 23, 2013 by happy stillmore

[Pierre]

Falling in love over texting is a sign of addiction issue or being in extreme need of validation. Stop it now. It will be a 1000 times worse later.

[Pierre]

We all want to be loved. I want that romantic, sweet love where we complete each other. We are a pair that everyone looks at and says Aaww.

 

Wanting to be loved is OK only to a certain extent. Wanting to be loved to the point of entering an EMR not healthy. In fact, it is very destructive.

[happy stillmore]

Agreed. Forgetting your morals to be in a relationship is wrong. It is not being true to yourself. Love yourself first. Be happy with being alone then it is a bonus, to be able to share your love with someone else. My problem was I was feeling alone and thought I could only be happy with someone in my life. My H and I are roommates and I longed for a connection. We were close but I realized I was only connected to half of him. (amazingly, I was thrilled with that half because I was so alone for most of my life.) I hope you see that you deserve a whole relationship. The term "breadcrumbs" says a lot to me. A MM is literally throwing you breadcrumbs to keep you hanging on. Isn't that a pathetic picture? That is something I don't want a part of. Be strong. You are worth full time, honest love. Don't live your life through a computer or phone. Life is too short. Find someone you can talk to about everyday things. Be friends first and the right one will come along. I believe good (honesty) attracts good. Bad (lies) attract bad. Life life honestly.

[awkward001]

I just feel so broken by this tonight, I can't stop crying.

[Pierre]

I just feel so broken by this tonight, I can't stop crying.

 

It is OK, you are used to the texting. But, you must stop or it will be a 1000 times worse in the future.

 

This stuff is very addictive for some.

[happy stillmore]

I know the feeling quite well. I'm sorry you are feeling this pain. Think of it as a wakeup call to your life. A hard lesson. you placed your hopes and drama into this man who is not to be trusted. You convinced yourself against your instincts to trust this man. Always follow your gut. We all want the happy ending. We think things will work out for us because we are good people. I have to say I knew deep down it was wrong to open my heart to MM. I didn't realize how desperate I was for this kind of love. Now, I blame myself and feel this pain is a penance I deserve for living a lie. you need to end this R and tell him you deserve more than what he can give. You are a woman who lives herself too much to be used by the likes of him. Please love yourself enough to tell him this. You will lk back and realize you are a strong person who respects herself. Nothing is more attractions than that, a confident women with a positive view of life.

[awkward001]

I guess I just need to hear the cold, hard truth - it's not going anywhere is it? I keep convincing myself it's something andy can't expect that after only ten weeks and one meeting that he would burn down his entire life (financially and socially) for me. But am I supposed to wait? The delusional part of me thinks why would he risk this now if he's never done it before, maybe he is trying to get out of his relationship?? He was joking all that weekend about the 'baby' and he still brings it up now all the time. And calling me from home while she was there seems so reckless. He said she walked in the room and he just dropped the phone and she was like "why did you put down the phone? Who were you talking to?" And he said just a friend and he's trying to organise something for her. But it was 10pm and all their friends are the same. I know it's me just deluding myself, but it's just all happened so, so fast that I can't tell if it makes it all more serious or just more stupid and meaningless. I've just never felt this way before. And I'm pretty sane and normal in all other aspects of my life! I have two degrees and working as a dentist, going back to school next year to specialise. I'm not normally this irrational! Ugh

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

Hi, newbie here. Have never posted in any forum ever so please be gentle!

 

So my story begins online, he contacted me through an social networking site for an innocent reason (organising a meet-up of members in Australia). We started chatting a little bit, by the second day he proposed talking through a messenger service without a restricted word limit and that's where it took off. We were msging pretty much non stop for the next two days, like 500

messages or more. One the second day he told me that he had a girlfriend and I wasn't sure how to take that. But we weren't overtly flirting and he wanted

to keep talking so I thought that meant it was ok? He added me on face/book that night as well, which seemed kind of funny so soon.

 

Over the next week we messaged non-stop, from the moment we woke up until falling asleep. By the end of the first week we were saying that we kind of love each other, and this is crazy we're like obsessed with each other and this has never happened before. On Friday he went out for dinner with his gf and I had a proper look at his fb page for the first time, where his status was actually ENGAGED to this girl. He was sending messages and photos throughout the dinner and I brought it up when he got home. He just said "do you hate me?" and it kind of got swept under the carpet since we were still pretending like we were just friends I guess?

 

By the end of the second week, he said he was in love with me. The level of contact was still a bit out of control, with us talking non stop all day and for several hours each night. He would mention sometimes that he is worried about me getting hurt and there is this and then there is reality. The reality he was talking about is they have been together for five years, are engaged, and have bought a house together last year. In my mind I guess, that is as good as married I guess my point is, he has never implied this was going anywhere, despite countless I love you's and telling me he is obsessed with me and cannot stop thinking about me. We would send pictures every day, just silly pictures at work and eventually kind of underwear photos. It kept escalating with phone calls, every day and twice a day. Video chat, where we would just stare at each other for two hours. We talked about what meeting would be like and he said it might be easier to meet while his fiancé was away just so it wouldn't be weird explaining who he was going out meet.

 

Anyway after four weeks he said, you should think about coming next weekend. Lots of freaking out from both of us, but I bought a plane ticket (he lives on the other side of the country) and I flew over. I paid for the flight and he insisted on booking a hotel. We spent an amazing weekend together, and maybe naive of me to think it wouldn't happen, we slept together. I need to add at this point that he is 32 and I am 31. I have only ever slept with one other person at this point and am usually so guarded, and he knew this. We slept together without protection despite me bringing it up a few times (after each, um, incident. Saying this is crazy, we should be more careful). I should have been more assertive but I was embarrassed and don't have much experience with these things. I don't understand why he would risk it though, knowing I was not taking birth control. On the last night we went back to stay at his house (awful, I know:( ) because he was missing his cats. We stayed in the guest room but I felt horrible for doing that. And why risk it?? They even have a granny flat with a tenant and know all the neighbours, it just seems risky on his part.

 

Anyway, fast forward, being there I realised how established his life is with her and kind of realised it was crazy to think he'd leave her after only 5 weeks of knowing me. He was very conflicted as well, he has never cheated before and was quite upset at times. The first two weeks after me going home was very strange as he would constantly make sexual jokes about what happened but all the lovey dovey stuff was gone as the plan was to try and be friends. I still found it very hard to take. He still called most days and I was confused because on the phone he still said I love you a lot. At the end of two weeks we had a long talk and everything was out on the open about how we felt. I asked him if he ever thought about 'what if' when he was pushing to meet me and he said that he loves his life and the girl he is with and what he has, so to throw it all away would be crazy. But he did mean everything he had said to me and was sorry for hurting me by joking about it, he just didn't know how to handle it and the guilt was killing him. We finished talking on very good terms. I suggested we don't talk anymore and he said he didn't want that, just maybe not 8 hours a day and he doesn't speak to anybody on the phone every day. So I was sad but accepting and felt the best I had since returning home. Weekend was fine, medium level I messaging. Then monday he called, Tuesday called twice, Wednesday called, Saturday called. It's been 6 weeks since I flew there now and he called 4 or 5 times a week, always full of I love yous. Messaging is slowly increasing too. A few days ago we were messaging nonstop all day and then he called around 10pm his time. And was caught by his gf, said it was just a friend. He has never called from home before while she was there. Why would he risk that now?! And despite saying he cannot bear to talk about it, he brings up specific stuff that happened that weekend, sexually, CONSTANTLY, almost non stop.

 

I have rambled for so long, I'm sorry. I suppose my question is, is this going anywhere? I have so little experience in relationships but I have never felt this strongly about someone before. Is he trying to get caught? His phone bill was 5 times normal bill this months yet he continues calling. i have never called him and always try to let him message first. Does he think this is ok because we live so far away that it doesn't matter?

 

I have had a glass or two of wine be aide otherwise I wouldn't have the courage to post this, so I'm sorry if it so, so long and doesn't make sense. I just feel so lost, go from such highs after talking to him to lows where I questions whether this even means anything to him.

 

Any chance that this might work out?

 

 

No feckin' way will this work out. The dude is obviously manipulating you and getting into your head and you've been eating it up like Vegemite sandwiches.

 

1.) He's engaged and living with her (yes, like being married).

2.) He's a feckin' *******.

3.) You shouldn't have gone and slept with him, but at the same time I'm not attacking you, because people shouldn't manipulate and play mind games with other people.

4.) I wouldn't even be this guy's friend. I am a man and if I found out one of my guy friends did this to his fiance and to another girl, I'd probably belt him in the mouth.

 

In short, get the hell away from him. You and his fiance both deserve way better. Also, obsessed or not, nobody says that they're obsessed with someone; its usually a sure fire way to creep someone out. I know people get really into each other and enjoy their company, but he sounds like a user and a pig. Get a real man...one that isn't seeing someone else!

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

I guess I just need to hear the cold, hard truth - it's not going anywhere is it? I keep convincing myself it's something andy can't expect that after only ten weeks and one meeting that he would burn down his entire life (financially and socially) for me. But am I supposed to wait? The delusional part of me thinks why would he risk this now if he's never done it before, maybe he is trying to get out of his relationship?? He was joking all that weekend about the 'baby' and he still brings it up now all the time. And calling me from home while she was there seems so reckless. He said she walked in the room and he just dropped the phone and she was like "why did you put down the phone? Who were you talking to?" And he said just a friend and he's trying to organise something for her. But it was 10pm and all their friends are the same. I know it's me just deluding myself, but it's just all happened so, so fast that I can't tell if it makes it all more serious or just more stupid and meaningless. I've just never felt this way before. And I'm pretty sane and normal in all other aspects of my life! I have two degrees and working as a dentist, going back to school next year to specialise. I'm not normally this irrational! Ugh

 

You're in an overly emotional state and nobody here is judging you harshly. You were used and so is his fiance. It's not a cold hard truth that it's not gonna work out. Look at it from this perspective: why would you want to be with a BOY like that?

[Pierre]

Thanks for replying so fast! I already met him That's why I'm so confused now. Why would he risk so much? And continue talking and calling me now? I have such naive hope that means it meant something to him as well? Half the time I feel so stupid and half the time so hopeful. This is awful

 

I cannot believe you posted the above.

 

You see his cheating as validation for you. Do you realized that a woman with a healthy self esteem would be nauseated? They would not pay a guy like this 1 sec of attention.

[happy stillmore]

We are a lot alike. Both educated (although I realize my earlier posts have some grammatical errors due to auto type on my phone, ha ha) I was naive too. I never thought I woulda be used this way. A part of me still thinks he loves me but me but just didn't have the means to leave his wife. Plus, he can't handle hurting anyone. It was easier to hurt me though.that is when I realized I couldn't go on being second. If you don't stop with this guy/jerk, you will know deep down you are settling. This guy is taking your life from you. Just look at this as a moment to reclaim yourself. This is when you prove to yourself that you love yourself and always have control of your life. You can do this! Be proud that you stood up yourself.

[MsDecember]

I agree that you should run. He is a cheater and in no way wants to leave his current situation. He just wanted something shiny and new. You are lucky to only wasted a few weeks. I'm sorry for your pain, but it will pass eventually.

[awkward001]

Thanks for all the replies, I'm definitely taking them to heart. Especially what you said, Pierre, about getting validation out of the actual cheating. I didn't realize but that is how I've been thinking if it - he's risking this whole life he has built so therefore this must mean a lot to him, must be special etc etc because why else would he do that. And I did think/hope maybe the way he is taking more risks might mean subconsciously he is trying to get caught. Ugh.

 

Yesterday he called twice and I felt so happy and today he seems more distant and I immediately feel so low and insecure. Maybe he is just busy at work but I know it's unhealthy for me to care this much either way.

 

So he is just a jerk? Do you think he actually wants to be just friends? We don't live in the same city so maybe he thinks this is ok now because he doesn't intend to meet me again? But then when I was asking him of the phone calls were till costing him so much (his phone bill was five times greater than usual for last month, he was going to switch plans after that) he joked they were only costing him his life and his values. So he must know it's wrong, what's happening now still? And obviously having to lie about it.

 

My stomach is twisting in knots thinking about all this. Might go eat my feelings now

[Dread Pirate Roberts]

Thanks for all the replies, I'm definitely taking them to heart. Especially what you said, Pierre, about getting validation out of the actual cheating. I didn't realize but that is how I've been thinking if it - he's risking this whole life he has built so therefore this must mean a lot to him, must be special etc etc because why else would he do that. And I did think/hope maybe the way he is taking more risks might mean subconsciously he is trying to get caught. Ugh.

 

Yesterday he called twice and I felt so happy and today he seems more distant and I immediately feel so low and insecure. Maybe he is just busy at work but I know it's unhealthy for me to care this much either way.

 

So he is just a jerk? Do you think he actually wants to be just friends? We don't live in the same city so maybe he thinks this is ok now because he doesn't intend to meet me again? But then when I was asking him of the phone calls were till costing him so much (his phone bill was five times greater than usual for last month, he was going to switch plans after that) he joked they were only costing him his life and his values. So he must know it's wrong, what's happening now still? And obviously having to lie about it.

 

My stomach is twisting in knots thinking about all this. Might go eat my feelings now

 

I wouldn't even want to be his friend. Why would you?

[awkward001]

Would there be any chance that he is unhappy in his relationship (for him to be doing this), but because this is so new - less than three months since first message and only one meeting, it's too soon to think about actually breaking up his life? I feel pathetic even asking all these questions, they look so stupid on the screen. It's so hard for me to reconcile how his actions and how I see him with the idea that he is just a selfish jerk.