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how to get over self esteem problem?


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When I look in a mirror, I see a pretty woman, and I really have no hang ups about my body or size, etc. There are small things here and there that bug me but that is about it. I am not overweight or underweight, I consider myself to be somewhere between average and above average in appearance.

 

But I run into the big problem when it comes to other women. The ones that every guy in a room would drool over...perfect body, gorgeous, etc. Like women you would see on tv. The ones that a guy considers smoking hot.

 

These women make me feel so ugly. I always go for pretty good looking men and figure these men would rather have them over me any day. I believe I will never have the kind of man I want because these women are always there as a better option for them. If I am with a man and these women are around I wouldn't be able to ignore how insecure it makes me. I'm afraid it will make a man compare me to them and realize I'm not all that. :(

 

How do I ignore this when these women are all over the place? Do I try to convince myaelf I am just as hot as them even though I'm not? I just don't know how to stop this feeling and rise above it. Thanks for any advice or experience.

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Philosoraptor

Ugh, I can tell you there are plenty of men who do not idolize these "sticks". I like my women with some meat on their bones.

 

Understand that women on TV are made up and even edited later before the show is aired. Regardless, you don't want someone who is that superficial anyways.

 

A boy goes nuts over what society tells him he should like while a man looks at the whole picture. Date men, not boys.

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Don't compare your insides to their outsides. You have no idea what insecurities and problems those other women have.

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Well I don't necessarily mean women who too thin like the movie stars...just much more attractive than me in general. I also guess part of me just doesn't trust that any man could honestly say they would rather look at me than look at them.

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I think you need to appreciate yourself for the qualities you have. Is your personality something that people really like? Are you artistic? Are you intelligent? Are you passionate about things? Do you have talents and interests that make you special? Do you have an interesting job? Do you have a good sense of humor? Are you compassionate toward others? There are many things that make a person special and desired. You need to appreciate yourself for all the things that you have going for you. And men will do the same. Appreciate you for all you have going for you. I know a woman, a long-time friend of mine, who has a very outgoing, magnetic personality. When I was single, she would go out with our group of girlfriends to meet men and socialize. Every other girl in the group was more attractive than her, but yet her personality always made her the center of attention, and she got plenty of attention from men. Just as much as her more attractive girlfriends. Beauty may turn heads, but when your boyfriend looks at you, he will be seeing all the other qualities that he likes about you, not just your looks. I know several people IRL who are objectively very attractive and married to someone who is average in appearance. But their perception of this person, because the person has other qualities that they love and appreciate, makes that person seem much more attractive than an outsider would believe. So what I'm trying to say is, appreciate all of your qualities, and don't worry about some quality which somebody else may have more of, because you probably have qualities that that person does not have. And contrary to popular opinion, men are not only attracted to appearance. They are also attracted to personality and sense of humor, character traits, talents, and other attributes as well.

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I think you need to appreciate yourself for the qualities you have. Is your personality something that people really like? Are you artistic? Are you intelligent? Are you passionate about things? Do you have talents and interests that make you special? Do you have an interesting job? Do you have a good sense of humor? Are you compassionate toward others? There are many things that make a person special and desired. You need to appreciate yourself for all the things that you have going for you. And men will do the same. Appreciate you for all you have going for you. I know a woman, a long-time friend of mine, who has a very outgoing, magnetic personality. When I was single, she would go out with our group of girlfriends to meet men and socialize. Every other girl in the group was more attractive than her, but yet her personality always made her the center of attention, and she got plenty of attention from men. Just as much as her more attractive girlfriends. Beauty may turn heads, but when your boyfriend looks at you, he will be seeing all the other qualities that he likes about you, not just your looks. I know several people IRL who are objectively very attractive and married to someone who is average in appearance. But their perception of this person, because the person has other qualities that they love and appreciate, makes that person seem much more attractive than an outsider would believe. So what I'm trying to say is, appreciate all of your qualities, and don't worry about some quality which somebody else may have more of, because you probably have qualities that that person does not have. And contrary to popular opinion, men are not only attracted to appearance. They are also attracted to personality and sense of humor, character traits, talents, and other attributes as well.

 

Beauty on the inside really makes a beautiful person.

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I definitely consider myself an interesting person. But sadly in my experience, it has yet to matter that much if it comes to pursuing a man.

 

I have had too many times where I was out with a girlfriend more attractive than me, and a guy comes along to schmooze her, then I am the 3rd wheel. I was hurt too much by being left out so many times. And thought he might pick me instead, if she wasn't here. Her looks made him like her instantly. Personality is huge but this taught me I have to be drop dead gorgeous before he even cares about personality. :(

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When I look in a mirror, I see a pretty woman, and I really have no hang ups about my body or size, etc. There are small things here and there that bug me but that is about it. I am not overweight or underweight, I consider myself to be somewhere between average and above average in appearance.

 

But I run into the big problem when it comes to other women. The ones that every guy in a room would drool over...perfect body, gorgeous, etc. Like women you would see on tv. The ones that a guy considers smoking hot.

 

These women make me feel so ugly. I always go for pretty good looking men and figure these men would rather have them over me any day. I believe I will never have the kind of man I want because these women are always there as a better option for them. If I am with a man and these women are around I wouldn't be able to ignore how insecure it makes me. I'm afraid it will make a man compare me to them and realize I'm not all that. :(

 

How do I ignore this when these women are all over the place? Do I try to convince myaelf I am just as hot as them even though I'm not? I just don't know how to stop this feeling and rise above it. Thanks for any advice or experience.

 

The person who has a good enough self-esteem is a person who is authentic and willing to accept all his or her flaws. Which basically means that the person loves him or herself and that's how things should be. True love is all about acceptance of someone else's flaws as well as your own and true love provides complements of each other flaws and NOT COMPLETION of each other. The reason you feel insecure is because you are looking for someone to complete you. No one can. If you care about yourself, shows independence and uniqueness of you to the public, the right man will pick this up and date you. I am a man and I always find that when a woman exercise her brain a lot, have an intelligent conversation and shows genuine affection and respect to other human beings is when I will show interest in her rather than a wrapped up sexy Barbie doll that has an agenda, have emotional tantrums and love to putdown others if they are angered.

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I have had too many times where I was out with a girlfriend more attractive than me, and a guy comes along to schmooze her, then I am the 3rd wheel. I was hurt too much by being left out so many times. And thought he might pick me instead, if she wasn't here. Her looks made him like her instantly. Personality is huge but this taught me I have to be drop dead gorgeous before he even cares about personality. :(

 

So? Who cares about getting picked up at a club? The fact that your friend attracts more attention than you doesn't mean she is more valuable than you. Your value comes from much more than your looks.

 

And you want the man who can see ALL your value, not just boobs and hair and makeup and high heels.

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I definitely consider myself an interesting person. But sadly in my experience, it has yet to matter that much if it comes to pursuing a man.

 

I have had too many times where I was out with a girlfriend more attractive than me, and a guy comes along to schmooze her, then I am the 3rd wheel. I was hurt too much by being left out so many times. And thought he might pick me instead, if she wasn't here. Her looks made him like her instantly. Personality is huge but this taught me I have to be drop dead gorgeous before he even cares about personality. :(

That's just not true, that you have to be gorgeous in order to attract a man. I know plenty of people who have attracted their mate in other ways. Of course, if you are talking about the bar culture, dancing venues, or places where looks are the only evident factor, then of course you might be passed over sometimes for the more attractive woman, but not always. I remember going out with my coworkers for a drink after work to celebrate something or other. I was married at the time, but the others were single. All of the women were very attractive, except one was overweight. SHE was the one who got asked to dance much more than the attractive ones. Maybe the men thought she would not refuse the offer to dance and the other ones would, I don't know, but she got plenty of male attention. So I would suggest not focusing on what others have going on. Make the most of what you've got, and there will be men who appreciate what you have. Your boyfriend being one of them.

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I definitely consider myself an interesting person. But sadly in my experience, it has yet to matter that much if it comes to pursuing a man.

 

I have had too many times where I was out with a girlfriend more attractive than me, and a guy comes along to schmooze her, then I am the 3rd wheel. I was hurt too much by being left out so many times. And thought he might pick me instead, if she wasn't here. Her looks made him like her instantly. Personality is huge but this taught me I have to be drop dead gorgeous before he even cares about personality. :(

 

You can put as much make-up and born with the looks of Elizabeth Taylor, but if you're gloomy, dark, miserable and all around small (being unhappy), good men typically pick the ones who are happy, vivacious, cheerful etc and look grande (not in the terms of size) but with the energy.

 

The men who pick up those skin tight dressed ladies are mostly looking for a short term fix. I think you are looking for a long term stable loving relationship.

 

Piece of advise here is, be HAPPPY and Cheerful about life!!! Right now, you're probably not.

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You can put as much make-up and born with the looks of Elizabeth Taylor, but if you're gloomy, dark, miserable and all around small (being unhappy), good men typically pick the ones who are happy, vivacious, cheerful etc and look grande (not in the terms of size) but with the energy.

 

The men who pick up those skin tight dressed ladies are mostly looking for a short term fix. I think you are looking for a long term stable loving relationship.

 

Piece of advise here is, be HAPPPY and Cheerful about life!!! Right now, you're probably not.

 

Just curious why there are such polar views here...e.g., if you are made-up and look like Elizabeth Taylor, you're assumed to be gloomy, dark, miserable, and all around small. What if you are made-up and look like Elizabeth Taylor and are happy, vivacious, cheerful and look grande? Is that not also possible?

 

To the OP, my opinion is if you are insecure about something, then attack the source of the insecurity. That is, improve the thing that makes you insecure. I find it interesting that if your personality was lacking and made you insecure, people would recommend that you find ways to improve your personality and outlook on life; but when it comes to insecurities with physical appearance, people recommend that you simply accept it and be happy with yourself. It puzzles me. :confused:

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Just because men want a hot chick doesn't mean they can get them. They probably want hot cars, too, but if they can't afford one...

 

If you are average but want good looking men, that makes you no better than they are. Go out with an average guy with a good personality. Either that or get a makeover to make yourself look better.

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Just curious why there are such polar views here...e.g., if you are made-up and look like Elizabeth Taylor, you're assumed to be gloomy, dark, miserable, and all around small. What if you are made-up and look like Elizabeth Taylor and are happy, vivacious, cheerful and look grande? Is that not also possible?

 

To the OP, my opinion is if you are insecure about something, then attack the source of the insecurity. That is, improve the thing that makes you insecure. I find it interesting that if your personality was lacking and made you insecure, people would recommend that you find ways to improve your personality and outlook on life; but when it comes to insecurities with physical appearance, people recommend that you simply accept it and be happy with yourself. It puzzles me. :confused:

 

All human beings are born good and happy. Just look at young babies and see that they love to play, have fun and are not usually miserable.

 

It is through childhood through adulthood conditioning that some of us formed certain attitudes and behaviors. So yes, someone like Elizabeth Taylor can be confident, happy and vivacious if brought up in a loving and supportive family with an Alpha father figure and a confident mother the same way as some other Elizabeth Taylor who was brought up in a narcissistic and oppressive family environment can feel comfortable only being gloomy, miserable and unappreciated cause that's how that person was raised. In a way, the person's current conditioning is the by product of childhood to adulthood upbringing. It's not a polar view, but rather it's how people are formed. Remember that children HAD NO CHOICE in the matter of what upbringing they get. Therefore, the level of self-esteem the individual learns from are from their parents first, because their parents reinforce these values into their kids when young cause that's who they are and what they believe in.

Romantic relationships are meant to bring aware of what deficiencies we have in us and hopefully address them and heal them. And we usually attract people of similar attributes, we tend to attract partners that have similar issues like us. So sometimes, it can be difficult to attract a man you want that you don't have attributes internally.

 

Imagine a piece of orange. If you squeeze an orange hard enough, what comes out of it? Orange juice right?!? If you paint the orange and make it up to look like an apple or a can of diet coke, do you still expect that if you squeeze it hard enough, out come apple juice or diet coke? Of course not, cause physically it's still an orange. This is the same with any human relationship.

You can make up to look like Elizabeth Taylor, but we all know human relationships are about pushing each other's buttons. Sooner or later, if someone pushes hard enough, out comes the authentic you inside! Because if you paint an orange to look like an apple, you still get orange juice by squeezing it. Most people think that somehow, a miracle can happen that they hope a painted orange that looks like an apple with somehow spit out apple juice. It does not.

 

You can not attack self-esteem just like you can not attack and deny orange juice coming out of an orange just because you painted it to look like an apple!! This is what most people do. Rather, accept that an orange will make orange juice and address how you can change from an orange to an apple if you truly want apple juice.

This is the same as people with low self-esteem. You don't attack it. You accept it and learn how to address it. If you want to become more confident, high self-esteem individuals, you should associate yourself more with higher self-esteem individuals. Which means, you have to forgo your current friends that are making you and reinforcing you for what you are now.

Edited by happydate
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Do these guys reciprocate interest by asking you out?[/QUOT

 

Generally most men I have been out with or involved with are what I would consider above average in looks...so in hindsight I must have looked ok to them too. However I guess my insecurities towards prettier women must show, even though it isn't something I disclose to the men I date...perhaps it still gives off a bad vibe.

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However I guess my insecurities towards prettier women must show, even though it isn't something I disclose to the men I date...perhaps it still gives off a bad vibe.
What makes you believe this? Are they turned off?
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What makes you believe this? Are they turned off?

 

I have no idea, my relationships have all ended for various reasons, but I do know the girl who they date after me is always more attractive than me. In fact the last several bfriends I had married the next girl as well. So I'm way too familiar with feeling not good enough for some reason or another. Now its just a permanent feeling, even if I know Im nice looking and interesting...apparently that still isnt good enough.

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I have no idea, my relationships have all ended for various reasons, but I do know the girl who they date after me is always more attractive than me. In fact the last several bfriends I had married the next girl as well. So I'm way too familiar with feeling not good enough for some reason or another. Now its just a permanent feeling, even if I know Im nice looking and interesting...apparently that still isnt good enough.
So if your relationships ended for various reasons, why would you ascribe it to looks? Wouldn't it be more logical to ascribe the relationships ending to the reasons why they ended? :confused:
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So if your relationships ended for various reasons, why would you ascribe it to looks? Wouldn't it be more logical to ascribe the relationships ending to the reasons why they ended? :confused:

 

I dont believe they ended because of looks, and they didnt, it just makes you feel like alot must be wrong with you if the next is woman is more beautiful and good enough to marry. And this has happened to me multiple times, not just once. Doesnt make me think I am ugly or bad or anything, just not good enough in their eyes, for some reason that I can't control...

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All human beings are born good and happy. Just look at young babies and see that they love to play, have fun and are not usually miserable.

 

I think people are born with inherent traits and patterns of behavior that are chemically ingrained into a person. However, I think they can be conditioned and developed throughout a person's life.

 

Imagine a piece of orange. If you squeeze an orange hard enough, what comes out of it? Orange juice right?!? If you paint the orange and make it up to look like an apple or a can of diet coke, do you still expect that if you squeeze it hard enough, out come apple juice or diet coke? Of course not, cause physically it's still an orange. This is the same with any human relationship.

You can make up to look like Elizabeth Taylor, but we all know human relationships are about pushing each other's buttons. Sooner or later, if someone pushes hard enough, out comes the authentic you inside! Because if you paint an orange to look like an apple, you still get orange juice by squeezing it. Most people think that somehow, a miracle can happen that they hope a painted orange that looks like an apple with somehow spit out apple juice. It does not.

 

I don't suggest someone mask themselves as an apple. Rather, through dedicated effort, they can change themselves into an apple. Just as people form themselves through their childhood, they can also change through adulthood. It just takes effort.

 

You can not attack self-esteem just like you can not attack and deny orange juice coming out of an orange just because you painted it to look like an apple!! This is what most people do. Rather, accept that an orange will make orange juice and address how you can change from an orange to an apple if you truly want apple juice.

This is the same as people with low self-esteem. You don't attack it. You accept it and learn how to address it. If you want to become more confident, high self-esteem individuals, you should associate yourself more with higher self-esteem individuals. Which means, you have to forgo your current friends that are making you and reinforcing you for what you are now.

 

I don't suggest you attack the self-esteem itself. You attack the source that causes low self-esteem. If it's physical appearance, then you improve physical appearance. If it's a personality issue, then you make a concerted effort to improve that part of yourself.

 

Sure, some people are truly destined to make nothing but orange juice, but just because someone is an orange doesn't necessarily mean they will never be able to make apple juice. They have to want to make apple juice.

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You might be surprised at what can happen if you're the funniest person in the room or if you know how to make interesting conversation and make a man feel smart. People are attracted to other people who make them feel good. There are attractive women who know how to do that, but some of them don't. Play up your good qualities.

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I dont believe they ended because of looks, and they didnt, it just makes you feel like alot must be wrong with you if the next is woman is more beautiful and good enough to marry. And this has happened to me multiple times, not just once. Doesnt make me think I am ugly or bad or anything, just not good enough in their eyes, for some reason that I can't control...
If your relationships ended for assorted reasons and looks weren't a component of them, whether these women are more beautiful is irrelevant.

 

Focus on why the relationships ended where if there's consistency in underlying meaning, that's the place you have to fix. If there's no consistency in underlying meaning to the expressed reasons why the relationships ended, you can put it to incompatibility, shrug and walk away. If it keeps happening, it's also possible that you're not selecting compatible men, perhaps putting too much weight on looks and insufficient weight on underlying personality.

 

I dunno. Just trying to provide a more logical framework for you to rely on, instead of spinning around in x when the answer is y.

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USMChokie,

 

Classic Conditioning developed by Ivan Pavlov or known as his Pavlovian Conditioning or Pavlov's dogs are being used by every human being and major corporations today to condition human beings through "MEDIA" to suggest the cause of their suffering and the cure.

 

And what are the causes of low self-esteem? You suggested physical appearance helps self-esteem, then the person should go for the physical. But is this true? Are you absolutely sure that they weren't suggested through Pavlov's conditioning that they are repeatedly told through television and magazines that the only way to raise self-esteem is to buy a Mercedes Benz or get a Botox treatment or a breast enhancement or worse in some women magazines the photographers use Adobe Photoshop and the healing brush to make them look so perfect? Women done by Photoshop like that do not exist, but as you see Corporations are willing to do anything to make a buck.

 

Remember that people who are influenced by classic conditioning are people already suffering from fear of something -- in this case self-esteem. I know of many extremely rich people who ride beat up Hondas or Fords and stay anonymous and rarely show off. So in a way, I don't agree enhancing physical appearance itself can rid a person's of self-esteem issues.

If this would be the case, then why are people continually buying new things and paying for new facial and physical enhancements as they get older?!? You will get old, so a physical fix is not necessarily the answer. It's the answer given by a billion dollar American corporations that make money of someone's else fears!

 

Changing someone to from an Orange to an Apple does take a lot of effort, but the change is within. You can't do it alone. You need feedback from others who already have a higher-self esteem than you.

Remember that it takes 2 to tango, 2 stimuli so you want someone who has higher self-esteem to influence you.

 

The same will happen with controlling and manipulative women who date men only to program them to become less confident and reducing their self-esteem low enough to match the women they date. The reverse can happen too.

We naturally do condition others so they meet our expectations. If you have low self-esteem, there are lots of support groups of people who can help.

You need people who are confident and have high self-esteem to condition you and continue doing that until you have been fully conditioned. And when you do, you won't need external sources of validation like looking beautiful or driving a Ferrari to make you feel confident or has higher self-esteem. Then you meet other people again with even higher self-esteem and confidence and the process continue again. As a matter of fact, when two couples are together and the relationship are balanced, they enhance and complement each other's traits to make them even better. That's what a relationship is all about, not head and mind games people play these days to strike an advantage.

Edited by happydate
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. I always go for pretty good looking men ....

 

 

Why do you always pick the pretty good looking guys - are you superficial or something? Why not the averge looking guy? or do you pass him by to get to his pretty good looking buddy?

 

I am teasing/proding you alot here (sorry!:)) to think about things for a second.

 

Also where else are you seeking men and dates?

Edited by dichotomy
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