How easily do men develop feelings?

[rae_lana]

This is not a typical affair because we are very good friends and I assume being friends would send you on the fast track to falling in love if you begin a physical affair..

 

But I wonder if I should assume that. For women I'm sure it's more often true.. But I'm curious about the male side of things. Can you separate love and sex even when you have a million things in common and enjoy each others company very much even without sex?

[Pierre]

This is not a typical affair because we are very good friends and I assume being friends would send you on the fast track to falling in love if you begin a physical affair..

 

But I wonder if I should assume that. For women I'm sure it's more often true.. But I'm curious about the male side of things. Can you separate love and sex even when you have a million things in common and enjoy each others company very much even without sex?

 

Simple:

 

Young inexperienced falls in love fast.

 

Old experienced takes time.

 

Philandering, insecure, needing validation,etc loves but only as selfish love. Loves wife and all his OWs.

 

Promiscuous: too many encounters dilute his perspective.

[rae_lana]

Simple:

 

Young inexperienced falls in love fast.

 

Old experienced takes time.

 

Philandering, insecure, needing validation,etc loves but only as selfish love. Loves wife and all his OWs.

 

Promiscuous: too many encounters dilute his perspective.

 

Most other women would be passing aquantinces or one night stands.. this is majorly emotionally involved because we are close friends so I wonder if that makes it less simple.

 

If you did not see your affair partner day to day or had little to nothing in common with them, or had no idea if you had anything in common with them it would be easier to separate feelings right?

 

But if you saw each other almost daily and enjoyed each others company and had a lot in common as well as matching sex drives and interests.. That makes it less simple?

 

Can men still easily separate it?

[MissBee]

I think many affairs include emotional investment and probably falling in love, or at least caring about the AP, even on men's part, yes. However, curious as to why you ask?

 

Because truth is: even if an affair involves emotional investment or feelings of being in love, it doesn't always mean the person chooses their AP or that they automatically don't love their spouse. So it often still ends up as a dead-end.

[RickFox]

I loved my xmw, she said she loved me, when Dday hit, she didn't love me enough....what ya gonna do? Meh?

[Pierre]

Most other women would be passing aquantinces or one night stands.. this is majorly emotionally involved because we are close friends so I wonder if that makes it less simple.

 

If you did not see your affair partner day to day or had little to nothing in common with them, or had no idea if you had anything in common with them it would be easier to separate feelings right?

 

But if you saw each other almost daily and enjoyed each others company and had a lot in common as well as matching sex drives and interests.. That makes it less simple?

 

Can men still easily separate it?

 

The majority of romantic high end affairs develop in the workplace. Where men and women work together 8-10 hours a day, shoulder to shoulder, with common goals and aspirations. To that you can add the business trips out of town, drinking in the evenings and violá the EMR happens. This is not rocket science hon.

 

I don't relate to men that do women for sport because I don't do it. However, I when one is drunk the ugly ones look pretty, I will admit to that.

 

True love is not selfish or associated with activities that are harmful to you or others. True love is to love someone and expect nothing. True love is not to expect to be loved. What I see here is that most people, including you ----want to be loved. That is WRONG!!!

[Eddie Edirol]

This is not a typical affair because we are very good friends and I assume being friends would send you on the fast track to falling in love if you begin a physical affair..

 

But I wonder if I should assume that. For women I'm sure it's more often true.. But I'm curious about the male side of things. Can you separate love and sex even when you have a million things in common and enjoy each others company very much even without sex?

 

With men, especially from what Ive seen here, they more often dont get emotionally attached to affair partners. The rule of thumb is usually that if the man isnt leaving his wife for you, he isnt attached to you. (Same for women) Doesnt matter how much you have in common, if he isnt looking for something exclusive, he doesnt want it.

[Quiet Storm]

I think it depends on the man.

 

Some men easily separate sex and feelings, it is their default. No effort needed.

 

Other men view ow as an indulgence, and love her in a selfish way. This kind of guy loves women like he loves motorcycle rides, vacations, action movies, a cheeseburger. They are there for his fun, entertainment, satisfaction.

 

Some mm genuinely have feelings and care deeply for ow.

 

I think many women get feelings and think that means they are supposed to be together. I think women are likely to want those feelings to progress to "being together". I think men are more likely to accept and enjoy the connection- but accepting it as an affair only. They don't think feelings=I must be with this person. They don't see a romantic connection as important enough to divorce and start over. They enjoy the affair as an enhancement to his life- not a reason to change his life.

 

As Pierre says, he loves ow within the affair compartment.

[ComingInHot]

I think men develop feelings very easily.

A soft breeze & *ooOOOooo* there's a "feeling"

A brush of fabric & *ooOOOooo* there's another "feeling"

A glimpse of flesh & *ooOOOooo* yet another "feeling"

A person showing them admiration and flirting, more "feelings"

 

Men can get an itch, adjust and get a "feeling"... The more that "feeling" is fed the more it grows.

The thing is, most men I've talked to have one thing that trumps& kills their "feelings" however good, basic illicit, exciting or sincere, and that is their Pride & Ego. Then WahhLaa HappyThoughtsGone and w/them the "feelings" that ran so wild & free.

 

They may still have or get those feelings and if they want to or have to make the choice, do the right thing and D their Wife and make the A a legitimate, out in the open, shout it from the mountain top relationship.

 

Funny? Only if you've seem it happen real time.

Sad? Incredibly!

True? For some, yes.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I have posted this before but it is still true...

 

Attraction is a chemical reaction designed to replicate the species.

 

Attraction and lust behave like drugs, similar to narcotics and the obsessive reckless "in love" feelings it produces, designed to have people pair up and replicate the species causes all kinds of confusion in an affair situation. Because you add the naughty danger and special secrets.

 

Love, real love, is a choice you make. A choice you make when you care for your spouse after surger; by making oatmeal just the way they like it, even if you don't because its what they need. Real love is a choice to deny yourself the ego boost from a flirtation because of the pain that would cause your spouse. The choice to think of them at your decisions. It's a partnership of family, enjoying the highs and riding through the lows. Putting them before your friends. Real love is a choice you make to commit to a family even after the effects of the"in love" drug stop. Because they do stop, for everyone in every relationship100% of the time.

 

People leave their marriages for their affair partner 10% of the time, and of those 10% will have lasting relationships. So 1% chance of success.

 

So do men fall in love quicker, slower? It's biology not magic.

[LilGirlandOW]

I think it depends on the man.

 

Some men easily separate sex and feelings, it is their default. No effort needed.

 

Other men view ow as an indulgence, and love her in a selfish way. This kind of guy loves women like he loves motorcycle rides, vacations, action movies, a cheeseburger. They are there for his fun, entertainment, satisfaction.

 

Some mm genuinely have feelings and care deeply for ow.

 

I think many women get feelings and think that means they are supposed to be together. I think women are likely to want those feelings to progress to "being together". I think men are more likely to accept and enjoy the connection- but accepting it as an affair only. They don't think feelings=I must be with this person. They don't see a romantic connection as important enough to divorce and start over. They enjoy the affair as an enhancement to his life- not a reason to change his life.

 

As Pierre says, he loves ow within the affair compartment.

 

I feel the MM in my situation see's me as an indulgence that he loves and cares deeply for.

 

Like a stash of chocolate bars (if MM were a chocolate fiend), you think about them, crave them, keep them a secret.... dont wanna share them, throw away the reciepts after you buy them so nobody knows how big of a pig you are, you feel great, like a rush when you pull out the stash and indulge in them, then tuck the rest away for another time. Thats how I feel, like I'm MM chocolate stash/

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I feel the MM in my situation see's me as an indulgence that he loves and cares deeply for.

 

Like a stash of chocolate bars (if MM were a chocolate fiend), you think about them, crave them, keep them a secret.... dont wanna share them, throw away the reciepts after you buy them so nobody knows how big of a pig you are, you feel great, like a rush when you pull out the stash and indulge in them, then tuck the rest away for another time. Thats how I feel, like I'm [/b]MM chocolate stash/

 

But not the main course.

[hippetyhop]

What about the MM who say those three dreaded words..."I love you". Do the MM who say it to the AP really not mean it? Do they not develop feelings and it is just puppy love? My MM said it at the 3 month mark. Does that mean his emotions really weren't there?

[Pierre]

What about the MM who say those three dreaded words..."I love you". Do the MM who say it to the AP really not mean it? Do they not develop feelings and it is just puppy love? My MM said it at the 3 month mark. Does that mean his emotions really weren't there?

 

OK, now I see the reason for the posts.

 

People:

 

Most married AP in EMRS say ILY, and when the say ILY they actually feel it and mean it.

 

However, ILYs in the context of an EMR lacks power because it mostly works within the affair bubble. Outside the bubble the the ILYs don't work well. Sometimes single APs get thrown under the bus despite genuine ILYs.

[Spark1111]

What about the MM who say those three dreaded words..."I love you". Do the MM who say it to the AP really not mean it? Do they not develop feelings and it is just puppy love? My MM said it at the 3 month mark. Does that mean his emotions really weren't there?

 

Stop having sex with him and see how often you hear ILY.

 

Not being snarky here, but men equate hot, immediate sex with love...it it how they are biologically engineered.

 

women equate emotional connections with love.

 

In an affair, most women give physically to get emotional needs met. Men give emotionally to get physical needs met. Win, win.

 

is it real love, or is it Memorex? Who knows?

 

I have lots of older brothers, so please trust me on this: Always judge a man by his actions, NOT what he says in the heat of the moment. He WILL SAY ANYTHING in the heat of the moment.

 

If he truly FEELS, it will NEVER get, be any better than this....and starts to take immediate action towards you...so that you NEVER get away...he is serious about YOU and a future with you.

 

Excuses? Stalling for time? Just run darling.

[hippetyhop]

Stop having sex with him and see how often you hear ILY.

 

Not being snarky here, but men equate hot, immediate sex with love...it it how they are biologically engineered.

 

women equate emotional connections with love.

 

In an affair, most women give physically to get emotional needs met. Men give emotionally to get physical needs met. Win, win.

 

is it real love, or is it Memorex? Who knows?

 

I have lots of older brothers, so please trust me on this: Always judge a man by his actions, NOT what he says in the heat of the moment. He WILL SAY ANYTHING in the heat of the moment.

 

If he truly FEELS, it will NEVER get, be any better than this....and starts to take immediate action towards you...so that you NEVER get away...he is serious about YOU and a future with you.

 

Excuses? Stalling for time? Just run darling.

 

We've gone through periods of not being intimate and him still saying those dreaded three letter words.

 

I've run like the wind from him. I have no reason not to move on.

[Cocochai]

Well I actually have a male friend who cheats on his wife but feels "stuck" to leave because of the kids. He often tells me he feels alone in the marriage at times and his wife doesn't give in to his emotional needs.

 

Being that I was dealing with a marred man I would often talk to him for advise.

 

One thing I've learned about about married men (and all are different) is that, if there are more then one he's messing with, he's more then likely to be not attached. Guys are very good at separating feelings from physical.

 

When it does become serious (and you don't have to be around a person everyday to develop feelings), YOU will still never be his #1 at the end of the day. His wife will always have the upper hand especially if they have kids.

 

When the MM truly does love the OW... He does feel deeply sadden when she does the NC. He'll prob even take it out on the W at times (being moody towards her) but eventually time will pass and he'll move to the next. Doesn't mean the NEXT will be as serious or non crazy though.

 

Which is why they come running back at times.

Edited July 27, 2013 by Cocochai