LDR - Wait to have sex or not?

[Lovelygal]

Hello.

 

I've been in my LDR for about a year, but I've known him before this for about 4 years. (I'm in the US and he's in England). He visited me this past September, and is suppose to return in November. Our relationship is good so far, obviously with the normal ups and downs of an LDR. But, I guess I'm not sure when it comes to sex. We have a crazy chemistry, and I'm not sure if it's because we only see each other for a limited time. I do love him, and we are both virgins.The first time he came to visit we almost had sex, but we didn't want to rush into anything... We've talked about it, and I just personally feel torn. I'm not very religious, but I used to want until marriage, but when I'm with him.. It's completely different.. I just feel so different with him- that I want to share that with him. I'm just afraid what if I regret it afterwards? It's hard to ask my sisters or mom, because everyone is like wait until your married. But at the same time, do I just follow my heart? Sorry if this sounds a bit ridiculous, I just need some other opinions. Thanks in advance.

[Philosoraptor]

No one can tell you what to do. Just trust yourself and your feelings, and do what feels right. Don't force yourself one way or another.

[FitChick]

Get on the pill a couple of months before you meet again. If there are unpleasant side effects you can try other options. Have several available. Foam, inserts, condoms, birth control pills.

[Lovelygal]

Thanks to both of you. I guess that's another problem. I'm afraid to go and get on the pill. I guess I just feel like my family will judge me, plus I'm on their insurance.

[HeavenOrHell]

If you're over the age of consent it's nothing to do with your family (ie with them judging you), not sure about the insurance though, why do they need to know why you're going to the doc? Why not just buy condoms instead, easier to buy and much less invasive on the body than the pill.

 

 

Thanks to both of you. I guess that's another problem. I'm afraid to go and get on the pill. I guess I just feel like my family will judge me, plus I'm on their insurance.

Edited July 23, 2013 by HeavenOrHell

[Els]

Honestly, IMO, if you have to ask whether or not you should... you're probably not ready for it. And there's NOTHING wrong with that.

 

Have you engaged in other sexual activities with him? Making out, oral sex, mutual masturbation, etc? Might want to consider going for those activities first (that don't require birth control). You don't necessarily need to choose between straight-up vaginal intercourse and zero sexual intimacy at all. There's a lot of grey in between that you might find beneficial to experience first rather than going straight for intercourse, especially given your views of virginity and sex/marriage. And doing so may actually provide you with better experience to make the final judgment call yourself.

[Chris516]

Keep in mind that, the only BC that is 100%, is abstinence. So be careful.

[ThomasD]

My wife and I (married almost 39 years) experienced the physical and emotional intensity of a double-virgin wedding night. Even if I wasn't totally sold on the "wait until marriage" idea I'd like you to give SERIOUS consideration to the idea that sex is something to be shared between two people who have made mutual, tangible, commitment to being each other's life partner. In addition to the physical elements of sex there are mental and emotional aspects of sex that you probably don't comprehend yet. That's OK - my wife and I didn't get that understanding until after we were married and experiencing sex ourselves.

 

If you search around this forum and other similar discussion groups you will find people who regretted having sex too young, or starting their sex life with the wrong person, or starting too soon with the right person. You will find many more who may not "regret" their decision, but believe it would have been much better to wait for an older age, or a different person, or different circumstances. You will find VERY FEW people who say something like, "Gee . . . it would have been MUCH better for me to start having sex when I was a lot younger!", or ". . . with the first person I had sexual feelings for.", etc.

 

This question has been discussed from various perspectives in several threads on this Forum. One recent thread is "Postponing Sex and Effects on Relationships" at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/395596-postponing-sex-effects-relationships-6.html#post4916522

[Lovelygal]

Thanks to everyone for the advice. It gives me alot to think about.

[Els]

Glad to see you back, OP, thought we'd scared you off.

 

Hope we've managed to be of some help.

[ThomasD]

Thanks to both of you. I guess that's another problem. I'm afraid to go and get on the pill. I guess I just feel like my family will judge me, plus I'm on their insurance.

Yeah, speaking as a parent, we can get a little disappointed if our kids take positions or behavior that opposes - or is radically different - from what we believe, and tried to teach them. We still love our kids and even encourage them to develop their own opinions but it can become a friction point in the relationship.

 

Having said that . . . have you actually discussed the subject of premarital sex with either of your parents? Some kids and parents are able to discuss that, and others can't. If you are brave enough (and it DOES take courage!) to break the ice with a somewhat general question like, (for example), "Do you think universities should allow students to have opposite-sex overnight guests in their dorm rooms?" you may discover that your parents are more understanding of the situation between you and your B/F than you think. They might still tell you "Wait until marriage - and then only do it once per child.", but at least you will know they have an understanding of what you're going through. (Remember, I'm a parent saying this.)

 

I'm impressed by your appreciation that, whatever the circumstances, sex must be enjoyed responsibly! (Your parents had a hand in teaching you that, so I suspect they aren't as heartless as you may think.) Your family physician may be more sympathetic to your situation than you imagine. This is well outside my personal area of knowledge, but I believe there are some medical diagnostic codes that support a prescription for contraceptives, without directly saying you asked for them. (In the past, "menstrual cramping" and "periodic recurring acne" were sometimes used as a justification but there are probably others.) Your physician will also be able to discuss other contraception options for a virgin couple - like somebody else mentioned, over the last 50 years we have discovered that hormone-based contraceptives are not as benign as initially believed.

 

Trust me on this: If you give your virginity to the right person, for the right reasons, BOTH OF YOU will want it to happen naturally, with naked genitals, and his sperm going where nature intended. (This is part of the mental and emotional aspect of good sex that I mentioned in the other post. There are a few other things you'll want for your first times, but that can wait until you're closer to the event.) Yes, that requires some advance planning and preparation - and it's good you're thinking about that preparation now.

 

I will underscore the first post from "Elswyth". My wife and I had first-time intercourse between two virgins on our wedding night, but we already knew quite a bit about each other's bodies and how to pleasure each other sexually. We were committed to helping each other reach the goal of being wedding-night virgins, but over the 9 months or so of our engagement we gradually worked up to that step. Others disagree but I think there were definite benefits to what we did - I mentioned some in the thread linked from my other post.

[Lovelygal]

I haven't discussed the topic with mom at all, it has been brought up. In a previous relationship, she thought I was having sex, which was not happening!! And she told me to take the necessary precautions (birth control, etc..), which I appreciated. I have asked her hypothetical questions, and she's like well has he brought sex up? Yeah he is and so have I, but I don't tell her that, because I don't want her judging him, or being like you can't go with him. I'm not sure if she would be that harsh, I'm sure she wouldn't. When he first came, I knew he wanted me to sleep over his hotel, but I knew my parents would be against that. So this next time he comes to visit, I think we might go on a 5 day road trip, and see some sights in DC. I know people may be like you are an adult and 22, but I'm not a rebel child. I respect my parents wishes, and I still live in their house. Once I have my own apartment, obviously it will be different, but I know they are only telling me for my own good.

 

Me and my SO have done a lot of the grey area before sex. I guess I'm slightly paranoid. I don't want things to go farther, and I'm not taking some type of precaution. I should use condoms, but what if breaks...it's horrible how much I think into every situation. It's rough... my sister became pregnant when she was 21...didn't finish college..nothing. I love my nephew dearly, and my sister. I just don't want to be caught in the same situation....especially now that I have my degree and just looking for a job to pay these loans off. Sorry for the tangent! I appreciate so much of your advice ThomasD. I guess maybe I can make an appointment with my doctor, can your family doctor prescribe birth control, or is it only the gyno? Thanks again...

[TMichaels]

Lovelygal,

 

Your reasons for not wanting to get pregnant are understandable and admirable. But, if you don't do anything except *hope* nothing will happen and remain ignorant about your body and your options, chances are you're destined to repeat your sister's experience.

 

You don't have to go to your family doctor or a gynecologist for birth control pills. Look in the phone book or online for a local family health clinic or call your local Planned Parenthood office and see if they either run a clinic or have a list of those they recommend.

 

If you live near a college or university many times there will be some sort of reproductive health service associated with or near campus that offers low-cost or free exams and consultations with a health professional who will discuss various b/c options, their effectiveness, inform you about various STDs, and write a prescription for what ever type of protection you decide is right for you.

 

Becoming aware and taking precautions doesn't make you a bad girl, it makes you a *smart* one who is taking charge of her body instead of letting naivete and circumstances determine your future health, happiness and success.

 

 

HTH,

TMichaels

Edited August 8, 2013 by TMichaels

[FitChick]

Planned Parenthood might be free or very low cost.

 

Learn about the different types of birth control besides the pill. If you don't want to have to think about using it daily or in the heat of the moment, ask for the birth control shot and get it before he visits. Ask a doctor ahead of time to be sure there isn't a waiting period for effectiveness. You won't have to use any birth control after he leaves. Might be the easiest, most effective option.

[Lovelygal]

I appreciate the advice. I think I managed to figure it out. I'm going to the doctor for a check-up/physical before I leave the state, so I will probably just ask her about that when I go. Hopefully, she can prescribe it. Thanks to all of you.

[justwhoiam]

He visited me this past September, and is suppose to return in November.

You could go on the pill and now it'd be perfect. Don't wait any longer. You usually need to start on the first day of your cycle, so that might mean you start it in September. You have some time to get accustomed to it. If anything's wrong with it (like FitChick said), you can change subscription. Ask for a light one that you can take continuously without break during the month, so that when he comes you won't risk being on your period.

 

The first time he came to visit we almost had sex

Don't rely on "it won't happen". The first time, you didn't have many chances to have sex with him. This time, you will.

 

I just personally feel torn. I'm not very religious, but I used to want until marriage

That's good. Don't be pressured. When I was pregnant, I had an appointment with the anesthetist. Where I live, if you don't get tested in advance and don't have a specific file with the anesthetist, you can't get an epidural anesthesia. I didn't want to get an epidural anesthesia, I wanted to go through natural labor and delivery, but I also wanted to be ready for any event and to have an option so that I could choose when the time would come. Well, time came... I resisted many many hours in the labor room and finally I asked for the anesthesia.

 

do I just follow my heart?

No, don't just follow your heart to have sex with someone. Considering how you were inclined to wait until marriage, please at least ask yourself what kind of commitment he's willing to put in the relationship. Do you have plans with him? Is any of you going to move? And when? If all that is still foggy and far away in time, chances are you're just living the moment with no real plans for the future. You can still have sex with him if you feel you want to, but you need to live with the fact that maybe in one or two years he won't be in your life anymore.

 

I haven't discussed the topic with mom at all, it has been brought up. In a previous relationship, she thought I was having sex, which was not happening!! And she told me to take the necessary precautions (birth control, etc..)

Well, I guess she thinks you already had sex and know what to do. At age 22, you're a young woman who can take care of your own sexuality.

 

this next time he comes to visit, I think we might go on a 5 day road trip, and see some sights in DC.

So that will be in November. Don't wait until October or November to get precautions.

 

I guess I'm slightly paranoid.

...

I should use condoms, but what if breaks...it's horrible how much I think into every situation. It's rough... my sister became pregnant when she was 21...didn't finish college..nothing. I love my nephew dearly, and my sister. I just don't want to be caught in the same situation....especially now that I have my degree and just looking for a job to pay these loans off.

Yes, condoms can break, especially out of inexperience, which you both have, as it'd be his first time too, and he's not familiar with having sex with a condom. Condoms can also break if he's in for a prolonged time and pushing hard, or a bit forcefully when you get dry, and if you reuse them (which I strongly recommend you don't). So go on the pill and use a condom. I would say that's more than safe.

 

I'm going to the doctor for a check-up/physical before I leave the state

You mean before your trip to DC? I guess it'd be late by then...

[ThomasD]

Lovelygal, "justwhoiam" gave some good practical advice.

 

I want to commend you for taking steps to enjoy sex responsibly, and prepare for it in advance. Please don't chicken out on your appointments. (It may be easier for you to write out your questions, concerns, and requests and hand it to the doctor rather than trying to overcome your embarrassment and discuss them verbally. A general Practitioner acquaintance of mine says that when he does routine checkups, sports physicals, etc, for teens he gives them a pad and pencil and asks them to write out anything - even just the name of a topic - they are too nervous to discuss.)

 

A 5-day trip as a couple certainly sounds like there will be some sex, though it doesn't have to mean that. I think part of your emotions have already decided that you're going to have sex with this guy. Another part of your emotions, as well as your mind, says this may not be the best thing to do - for you, or your future. And part of your emotions says it's the right guy, but maybe not the best time yet.

 

What does your guy mean to you, REALLY? What do you mean to him? What does sex mean to you? I alluded to this back in my post at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/410596-ldr-wait-have-sex-not#post5109713 . Is it something you do only when you want a child? Something special shared with your life partner? A sacred activity reserved for married couples? A way to relax and wind down after a fun evening with friends? Something any two acquaintances might do when there isn't anything interesting on TV?

 

Please have a discussion with yourself about this. Then, if at all possible, have the discussion with your B/F. Do it rationally, in the daylight - not at 2:00 AM in a motel room in Silver Springs. Make an honest effort to understand each other's positions, whether you agree or not. I hope you both have the integrity to respect and honor each other's position whether you agree with it or not.

 

It wouldn't be improbable for you to let him know "I want you to do it ASAP.". Or, "I'm ready when you're ready and we have the time and privacy.". Or "I don't know if I'm ready but please stop if I think we're going too far.". Or "I'm not ready, but want to work at getting ready, but let me set the pace." Or "I'm not ready and don't know when I will be, but we can discuss it from time to time.".

 

We have already mentioned that there is a broad continuum between absolute abstinence, and full intercourse.

[hamadaa76]

mr thomas

i respect your reply so much...... that is what came to my mind when i read the post by lovelygal...... i recommend her to keep it in consideration

 

Yeah, speaking as a parent, we can get a little disappointed if our kids take positions or behavior that opposes - or is radically different - from what we believe, and tried to teach them. We still love our kids and even encourage them to develop their own opinions but it can become a friction point in the relationship.

 

Having said that . . . have you actually discussed the subject of premarital sex with either of your parents? Some kids and parents are able to discuss that, and others can't. If you are brave enough (and it DOES take courage!) to break the ice with a somewhat general question like, (for example), "Do you think universities should allow students to have opposite-sex overnight guests in their dorm rooms?" you may discover that your parents are more understanding of the situation between you and your B/F than you think. They might still tell you "Wait until marriage - and then only do it once per child.", but at least you will know they have an understanding of what you're going through. (Remember, I'm a parent saying this.)

 

I'm impressed by your appreciation that, whatever the circumstances, sex must be enjoyed responsibly! (Your parents had a hand in teaching you that, so I suspect they aren't as heartless as you may think.) Your family physician may be more sympathetic to your situation than you imagine. This is well outside my personal area of knowledge, but I believe there are some medical diagnostic codes that support a prescription for contraceptives, without directly saying you asked for them. (In the past, "menstrual cramping" and "periodic recurring acne" were sometimes used as a justification but there are probably others.) Your physician will also be able to discuss other contraception options for a virgin couple - like somebody else mentioned, over the last 50 years we have discovered that hormone-based contraceptives are not as benign as initially believed.

 

Trust me on this: If you give your virginity to the right person, for the right reasons, BOTH OF YOU will want it to happen naturally, with naked genitals, and his sperm going where nature intended. (This is part of the mental and emotional aspect of good sex that I mentioned in the other post. There are a few other things you'll want for your first times, but that can wait until you're closer to the event.) Yes, that requires some advance planning and preparation - and it's good you're thinking about that preparation now.

 

I will underscore the first post from "Elswyth". My wife and I had first-time intercourse between two virgins on our wedding night, but we already knew quite a bit about each other's bodies and how to pleasure each other sexually. We were committed to helping each other reach the goal of being wedding-night virgins, but over the 9 months or so of our engagement we gradually worked up to that step. Others disagree but I think there were definite benefits to what we did - I mentioned some in the thread linked from my other post.

[hamadaa76]

your post is not rediculous, but sorry for the assumption ; what if this guy ignore you or neglect you after you having sex ???? you both live in 2 different countries; why have sex for few times , and to loose your virginty , then you are back home and he decide to break up with you.... do you trust this guy to stay with you and marry you in future ??????

i would advie you as mr thomas said ; to postpone sex till you get married.... save your feelings , body for the right man , and on the right time....

kind regards

 

Hello.

 

I've been in my LDR for about a year, but I've known him before this for about 4 years. (I'm in the US and he's in England). He visited me this past September, and is suppose to return in November. Our relationship is good so far, obviously with the normal ups and downs of an LDR. But, I guess I'm not sure when it comes to sex. We have a crazy chemistry, and I'm not sure if it's because we only see each other for a limited time. I do love him, and we are both virgins.The first time he came to visit we almost had sex, but we didn't want to rush into anything... We've talked about it, and I just personally feel torn. I'm not very religious, but I used to want until marriage, but when I'm with him.. It's completely different.. I just feel so different with him- that I want to share that with him. I'm just afraid what if I regret it afterwards? It's hard to ask my sisters or mom, because everyone is like wait until your married. But at the same time, do I just follow my heart? Sorry if this sounds a bit ridiculous, I just need some other opinions. Thanks in advance.

[Lovelygal]

JustWhoIAm - When I said I was going out of state, I meant before he came. If I decide to go on the pill - I meant before I leave for a job the 1st of September, and I won't be back until mid-October. He wouldn't be coming until November. Thanks for all the advice and taking the time

 

Thomas D- You've given me ALOT of questions to consider, and they definitely have me thinking, I really appreciate it. It makes me second guess the decision, but I would feel better being on the pill, even if I didn't end up having sex. With all those questions to consider I'm not sure if what I feel sex means with why I'm doing it...if that makes any sense.

 

Hamadaa76 - You have a good point, I don't know. We have plans for the future, but they can change I'm sure. I trust him a lot already, it might be foolish, and even the "stuff" we do now, I feel like I'm so emotionally invested, because even the grey area before sex means a lot to me. I feel like I might have a hard time even if things did end now. Thanks for your advice.

 

I'm not sure what will happen, but I do know I'd rather take a precaution just in case anything does happen. But, I think waiting until we are at least in the same place. I'm really still confused, and I have a lot to discuss with my boyfriend. Thank you to everyone.

[Dez]

me and my girl decided to have sex one month into our LDR. we both knew it would be awhile before we saw each other again. if you both love each other then go for it. being without the one you love is hard, make the best of it while you two are together.