Your experiences with financial imbalance and dependency in relationships

[kiss_andmakeup]

So, first, a little background about my current professional life. For the last 8 months, I have been working two jobs. One is a stable, 40 hours per week office position for which I am paid a modest yearly salary and receive benefits such as health care, 401K, paid vacation, etc. My second job is the one I have actually been doing longer, and is a more creative-based job which I enjoy thoroughly but which yields me significantly less monetarily. I work at this job between 12-17 hours per week and I do it mainly because I really enjoy it. I only make a little bit of extra spending money from it (I'd say it accounts for approximately 10% of my overall income).

 

I used to do the more "creative" job full time, but I was getting fed up with not being able to make ends meet financially, and so I sought out a more stable position, essentially giving up the whole "do what you enjoy" thing. I found the office job that I'm still working today and at the time the stability of a yearly salary and benefits was extremely appealing to me.

 

Anyways, I have ended up really disliking the office job. I won't go into the details as there's really no need, it just is not my kind of gig - at all. I don't get any opportunities to be creative or inventive; I really just sit at a computer and crunch numbers - exactly the kind of job I always said I'd never have. I'm not begrudging this, and I'm not trying to sound ungrateful, because I know that the job market is terrible and there are plenty of people reading this who would love to have any job at all. So please don't mistake my explanation for whining - that's not what it's supposed to be at all!

 

If money were no object, I suppose my ideal situation would be to ditch my office job, up my hours my more creative job, and spend the extra time going back to school for a major where I could apply both my creative side and my practical side.

 

My boyfriend (or fiance, I suppose; still getting used to saying that!), who proposed to me a couple of months ago, has offered (just short of insisted, actually) that I do just that. I'm moving in with him at the end of next month and we have already discussed financial responsibility - and basically, he wants me to not worry about it. Granted, our incomes are vastly different - he makes roughly ten times what I do. But I have always felt it was important to be able to support myself and I have never planned on having a man, or anybody else, take care of me. I'm scared that this situation of my being dependent upon him could be a breeding ground for resentment on his part, as much as he assures me that won't happen. He sees how happy I am when I leave the job I enjoy, versus my office job, and insists that I just need to do what makes me happy and not worry about all the other stuff. He also knows I enjoy going to school and is extremely encouraging of me taking more classes. So our plan is, come fall, for me to just keep my second job for around 20 hours per week, then spend the remainder of my time taking classes and studying.

 

I try to contribute to our relationship in every way that I can with my more modest income - I always try to pick up the check for our less expensive outings like breakfasts, lunches, coffees, etc; I cook for us regularly and bake him his favourite treats. When I spend more than a day or so at his place (which is every week), I do all the dishes, vacuum, take care of our pets, and just generally keep the place tidy. He has never asked me to do any of these things and he doesn't expect them, I just do them because I want to do something nice for him. I never do these things begrudgingly - I'm always happy to do them for him because I want to make him happy, and I plan to continue doing them once I move in.

 

So I guess my question is, for those of you that have been in a situation where you were financially dependent on/unequal to your SO, and weren't raising a family, what was your experience with it? Positive? Negative? How did you keep from feeling like a burden? What advice do you have? Would you advise completely against it? If you were the person paying the bills, what did your SO do to contribute and make you feel appreciated?

 

The other thing I've considered is that, even if I were to keep my office job, I'd still be at a severe financial imbalance with my SO. We've talked about this many times, and he just flat out doesn't seem to care. His perspective is "You make my life better and happier in so many ways that it's a non-issue."

 

Please keep the gender warring and gold-digger comments out of this, as I think I've made it totally obvious that I'm not about that. I wouldn't be working 60 hours a week just for the hell of it if I were just looking to mooch. But this is a situation that I have zero experience with, so it would be great to hear from others about their experiences with it and receive some guidance.

 

Thanks for reading such a long post!

[T3h L337 d00d]

I think it would be distrustful of you and go farther to build resentment if you didn't take him up on his offer. I for one would love to have my wife doing what ever she wants. If you make lots of money part of the dream is taking care of your woman and making her happy. As long as you don't act entitled to his money I see no problem and you'll actually make him and yourself happier.

 

If on the other hand like a silly person you keep working the job you don't really like just because of the money you don't really need you're going to make every one less happy including yourself. I know the perfect scenario in your mind is make an amount of money you feel is enough doing what you want but some times you just have to put on the cleanest dirty shirt. In this case your cleanest dirty shirt is most peoples dreams haha.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Negative. Then again, he was a controlling *******.

 

 

 

 

 

It was great in the beginning, then again, I never did anything with time except be a wife to him. [military relationship].

 

 

I would be open to it again in a heartbeat, just with the right person.

[T3h L337 d00d]

Anything only works with the right person. Do it!

[tbf]

Might I suggest that you wait until after marriage, to adopt any form of financial dependency? Is there a wedding date in sight?

[Mme. Chaucer]

I don't think there is anything wrong with letting him shoulder more of the financial responsibility while you work on developing your customer base in your work. It's not like you plan to be sitting around eating bonbons.

 

I am in the opposite situation. I bring far, far more into our household financially than my husband does. We make it work. I never feel taken advantage of, and I'm confident that his self esteem is not suffering either.

[Got it]

I have done it in the past but I was married.

 

Now, I am the breadwinner and am very twitchy on financial dependence. We have talked about it and it is something we would do based on a short term plan.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I think you should go for it. You clearly have his support; you're getting married...there's an opportunity here. Take it, don't squander it, and don't take unfair advantage of it (though I don't really need to say that last part).

 

I was in a situation with my live-in ex. That did not go well at all because he failed to voice his constant resentment of being the one to pay the household bills (rent, etc) despite me sensing there was a problem and outright asking him on repeated occasions if anything was wrong. I was working PT at first, and then got a FT job that I'm still at now. I will admit I did get a little lazy around the house and that's really what he had a problem with; he didn't think I was keeping my end of things. But I really had started feeling like I didn't want to manage the household because it'd make him happy; it started feeling like a burden, a chore. I had stopped caring about him and us and I just wanted out. Took months before I was able to though.

 

Got it. That gives some good perspective. Thanks for the insight!

 

I think it would be distrustful of you and go farther to build resentment if you didn't take him up on his offer. I for one would love to have my wife doing what ever she wants. If you make lots of money part of the dream is taking care of your woman and making her happy. As long as you don't act entitled to his money I see no problem and you'll actually make him and yourself happier.

 

If on the other hand like a silly person you keep working the job you don't really like just because of the money you don't really need you're going to make every one less happy including yourself. I know the perfect scenario in your mind is make an amount of money you feel is enough doing what you want but some times you just have to put on the cleanest dirty shirt. In this case your cleanest dirty shirt is most peoples dreams haha.

 

Anything only works with the right person. Do it!

 

I agree. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

Might I suggest that you wait until after marriage, to adopt any form of financial dependency? Is there a wedding date in sight?

 

That's a great point, and I have thought of that. Date is set for next summer. However I really would like for us to experience living together before marriage, and with him living where he does, there's not a whole lot I could do to chip away at the rent. Maybe I should keep both jobs until then, though, and hold off on going back to school until after marriage? I just hate the thought of pushing it back even more...I only have a few more semesters as is.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with letting him shoulder more of the financial responsibility while you work on developing your customer base in your work. It's not like you plan to be sitting around eating bonbons.

 

I am in the opposite situation. I bring far, far more into our household financially than my husband does. We make it work. I never feel taken advantage of, and I'm confident that his self esteem is not suffering either.

 

But I love to eat bonbons!

 

Thanks for your perspective. I always look forward to your advice when I post threads (not to be dismissive of anyone else's, of course) because I always find it so level-headed and wise. So thank you for the feedback! It helps.

[Els]

I think the two most important elements to this are:

 

1) He really wants to do this, of his own accord.

2) You have enough saved up to not be in dire straits if things go south and the financial support is withdrawn. I know this is a rather pessimistic way of looking at things, but I personally believe that it's generally a good idea to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

 

If both of the above are 'yes', then I feel that you should accept and reciprocate in any way you can.

 

I personally live with the bf who pays the majority of the bills, as he makes >$100k a year and I'm a grad student. I do most of the housework and even some of his personal paperwork and errands though, which helps him as he works 70 hour weeks. I think that ultimately, it's up to the individual couple to determine an arrangement that works for them.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I feel I should augment this thread by explaining that I do have "fall back" plans - granted, no one ever wants to think, upon the beginning of their engagement, "what if this doesn't work out??" But I'm painfully practical, and so, I have.

 

Firstly, I have a rather decent savings account for someone of my age. Were things to end between my fiancé and I for reasons unforeseeable, I'd certainly be able to support myself for long enough to get back on my feet.

 

Secondly, and although I hate to rely on them, my parents really are a true, unconditional support system, and would be thrilled to have me back in their home at any time throughout my life, whether it's when I'm 28 or 38.

 

So, I do have "fall back plans"...rather than just leaving my stable job on the hope and prayer that our engagement and marriage works out. As much as I don't even want to think about it, there is a plan B. And a plan C. I'm far too practical to not have those.

[Els]

Ooops. Posted at the same time you did about that.

[kiss_andmakeup]

I think the two most important elements to this are:

 

1) He really wants to do this, of his own accord.

Yes. He really, really does. There was no suggestion from my side...the whole arrangement was his idea. "So, why don't you just move in with me in the fall, and that way you can quit your crappy job and go back to school, and not have to worry about anything!" He seems so genuinely excited about it.

2) You have enough saved up to not be in dire straits if things go south and the financial support is withdrawn. I know this is a rather pessimistic way of looking at things, but I personally believe that it's generally a good idea to hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.

I actually just addressed this in my last post, because I agree that while it's unpleasant to think about, it's necessary to plan for the worst.

 

Firstly, I have a rather decent savings account for someone of my age. Were things to end between my fiancé and I for reasons unforeseeable, I'd certainly be able to support myself for long enough to get back on my feet.

 

Secondly, and although I hate to rely on them, my parents really are a true, unconditional support system, and would be thrilled to have me back in their home at any time throughout my life, whether it's when I'm 28 or 38.

 

If both of the above are 'yes', then I feel that you should accept and reciprocate in any way you can.

 

I personally live with the bf who pays the majority of the bills, as he makes >$100k a year and I'm a grad student. I do most of the housework and even some of his personal paperwork and errands though, which helps him as he works 70 hour weeks. I think that ultimately, it's up to the individual couple to determine an arrangement that works for them.

 

I agree. Thanks for your help in talking me through this.