I Survived Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 I need some advice. Even after all the anger that I have had over my husband's six month internet/phone affair with an old girlfiend, I find myself wanting to contact her. I think she is still holding on to the fantasy of their relationship. It is an obsession and I think I can help her through it. It is definitely over between them and she has not tried to contact him, but she sends messages to me through a website that we share. Does anyone have any advice? What should I do? It feels so unfinished between her and I. Link to post Share on other sites
fredrolin Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Yes, contact her. If she hears it from you that you will not put up with her trying to contact him it should scare her away. But then again, are you positive your husband is being honest with you? Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 It is an obsession and I think I can help her through it Most certainly tell her to stop sending you messages. That is quite strange and does seem like a method she is using to keep up some sort of vicarious contact with your husband. But you are not her therapist - though it does sound like she may need one. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 just out of curiousity, what types of messages is she sending you? yes, that's a little odd..... but before jumping to conclusions, i'm the type of person who's kept in touch with a number of old bfs. not because i'm obsessed -no desire to get back together with them - but because they really are friends. but i can't say that i've kept in touch with their wives.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 I am absolutely positive that he has been honest with me. It has not been easy, however. He was at a very low point when she contacted him (out of work) he didn't think I loved him. So when she contacted him he was prime. When I found out about her, my husband and I got into counseling and we have worked very hard to get to where we are now. WE are great, better than ever. I know that I am not her shrink but I have been in an obsessive relationship before and I know how paralysing it can be. I just think she needs some reality to help her come to her senses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 she has said "take good care of him FOR me" mostly recently she said she is taking a trip to the area where we live and then she said she had been here. she said that i should be careful or my husband's ex will find out about what goes around comes around. It's that high school site c l a s s m a t e s Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 that's is a little on the odd side... talking to her may or may not help. if she's obsessive about her relationship with your husband talking with her may not help. but not knowing her... it's hard to say. it may stop her contacting you but will she just find a different way to "bother" you and/or your husband. not that this is a perfect solution either but can you put a block through the site on receiving messages from her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 I have asked the web master and there is no way to block. I never have responded to any of her attempts to contact me. I think if I tell her I know all about what went on and I forgive her ( I really do) that it will be just enough of a push to snap her out of it. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Originally posted by Still Hurting I have asked the web master and there is no way to block. I never have responded to any of her attempts to contact me. I think if I tell her I know all about what went on and I forgive her ( I really do) that it will be just enough of a push to snap her out of it. Then do just that. But I would be very wary of entering into any sort of ongoing dialogue with this woman. You've been in an obsessive relationship before so you realise that her contact with you could just be feeding that obsession. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 I am afraid that is exactly what will happen if I contact her. No matter what my intentions are, i have no idea what frame of mind she is in. Maybe i should just write what I "would say" then rip it up. Link to post Share on other sites
bluechocolate Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Originally posted by Still Hurting I am afraid that is exactly what will happen if I contact her. No matter what my intentions are, i have no idea what frame of mind she is in. Maybe i should just write what I "would say" then rip it up. Honestly, I think that's the best plan. Your contact will affirm to her that she is getting through & will encourage her to keep it up & perhaps escalate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 Your contact will affirm to her that she is getting through & will encourage her to keep it up & perhaps escalate it. Thank you, bluechocolate. I think you're right. I do not want to encourage her in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 i agree with blue. if she really is in the state of mind that she's in the last thing she needs is any reason to futher contact to respond, to argue, to whatever. it may be best, as hard as it might be, to just ignore her and hope that eventually she'll give up and go away! Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted October 27, 2004 Author Share Posted October 27, 2004 thanks everyone- good advice. you're the best Link to post Share on other sites
VivianLee Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Personally, I think you should just lay it all out to her via an e-mail.... I sent my husband's "ex" an e-mail and told her exactly what "our life" had been like from meeting (touching on various special events over the course of years) and then what my daughter and I went through when he left. Plus I told her what he was doing with me while they were still together (during our separation....he was 3 states away from her)....I also let her know that he had his points that weren't so flattering BUT did it in a way that didn't sound petty or sour grapes (you can do this in a sneaky way)....we shut down the internet to that house that evening and so I never got an answer BUT that didn't matter, I got to get it all out and say what I wanted to say and I felt sooooo much better!! I never cussed her and acted like a lady at all times. Now that was just something I felt like I should do but if cussing and whatever makes you feel better then do it!! Closure is so important if you plan on working things out in your marriage.... If she answers and wants to fuss...ignore it. YOU have control of the situation and YOU will handle things as you see fit!! Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 My H's OW (whom I knew and she knew me and our kids, she worked for H) was still contacting him via IM'ing and through phone calls after he broke it off w/ her. She would call or IM him for stupid reasons, things that he didn't care about. I read a few of the IM's she sent him. She kept trying to talking to him like she still wanted to be his friend and dh told her the only contact he was going to have w/ her was work related, nothing personal. She continued to call and IM him. We were still seperated and she called him when I was visiting and told him about something that happened to a fellow co-worker. Just an excuse to call him. After he got off the phone w/ her I called her back and let her have it. I told her to stop calling him, it was over. She has never called back again. Tell her to leave your dh alone or you will have a restraining order slapped on her, or better yet, have your dh do it. That is what my dh was going to do when the OW wouldn't leave him alone. I think she was obessessed w/ him also. She seems to be a person who obessess about men she wants. When she was pg w/ her BF's child she caught him w/ another girl and she jumped through his LR window, grabbed a piece of glass and started cutting her arm. She told him she didn't care anymore. Her H was the one that told me this. So she was pretty psychotic but I didn't care. She needed to be told to leave him alone. She needs to leave your H alone. GL! Link to post Share on other sites
Naive Posted October 27, 2004 Share Posted October 27, 2004 Originally posted by bluechocolate But you are not her therapist - though it does sound like she may need one. So true!!! You cannot help her she needs real help. Originally posted by Still Hurting she said that i should be careful or my husband's ex will find out about what goes around comes around. What did that mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author I Survived Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 What did that mean? My H and I cheated on our spouses 15 YEARS AGO. I think the OW believes that she can threaten to tell my husband's ex about him fooling around on me with her. It is soooooooooooooooooooo way different than what we had. I would love to be a fly on the wall if she ever carried out the threat. LMAO. The woman is twisted. I got two emails from her this morning. I deleted them unopened, then I called hubby at work. She's in for a BIG surprise. God I love that man. Link to post Share on other sites
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