Was I Crazy or Abused?

[Qbert99]

Sorry for the long post but I need to tell the whole story. Please be patient and compassionate.

 

My ex and I broke up over 3 weeks ago and we have been NC for a few days now. I'm no longer a mess but I'm still very much bothered by how nasty the breakup ended up being, especially because we had such a fairy tale beginning.

 

Our relationship lasted only 4 months with about 2.5 months being long distance. He had to work in another city about 3 hours drive+ ferry ride away, for about 6-9 months.

 

From early on, I realized that my ex keeps in contact with his exes and two of them were his good friends: Amy and Barbara. He also likes to talk about many of his exes a fair bit. He's proud that he can be friends with his exes. I on the other hand, do not keep in any contact with any of my exes even the ones I've had amicable breakups with, not even on Facebook. I expressed my discomfort early on about this difference but he assured me that they were just friends and that he's a one woman man, and I'm that woman. I, having lost good guy friends (totally platonic, never romantic) because their SO's insecurities, tried to be understanding and did not further complain.

 

Now according to my ex, Amy is a really fun girl. She's always happy, very popular with the guys and just a joy to be around. She and my ex go way back in their early 20s (they were both in the navy), and at one point, they were friends with benefits. When asked why he's not with her if he thinks so highly of her, he replied that Amy is a bit of a heartbreaker (cheats) and does not have her life together like I do (in terms of her career and finances). Amy currently has a live in boyfriend in the air force. They've been together for over a year but she and my ex still went to Rome together (just the two of them) last year, when he was single.

 

Barbara, on the other hand, is my ex's longest term girlfriend - 4 years and they used to live together. They broke up about 2 years ago but are still good friends and share the same group of friends. Barbara has been having a bit of a tough time finding someone special after the breakup and was not happy about my ex's new girlfriend - me. One time, she called him crying when my ex and I were walking my dog. Another time, my ex told me she told him, in graphic details (instrument size, techniques) about her sex life with another man. He said he felt insecure afterwards and I got really upset because to me, that was extremely inappropriate conversation between exes (I was already in the picture at that time). That night, he told me he loves me - less than one month into our relationship.

 

Over the course of the relationship, I met many of my ex's friends, including Amy, but never Barbara.

 

My ex was very sweet and we were very much in love, but somehow, I still felt that something was being robbed from our relationship because of his close ties to his exes. I talked to him again a second time and this time, he argued with me, saying that I'm actually the one with more baggage because I have a dog (who he loves, and the dog loves him), and that makes me practically a "single-mom". I was speechless.

 

Two major incidents led to our breakup:

 

The first weekend my ex came back from the city he was working in, he casually mentioned that Amy was now staying with him (for a month), and that he needed to go print out a 200 page book for her at work. I got really upset, not just by the fact that she was living with him, but the fact that he had never mentioned that before. I felt very disrespected, lied to, and my feelings were put under Amy's interests (she wants to save money on rent). My ex told me that he made the decision before he met me. We fought for a few days about that, at one point, I even offered to pay whatever $$ it needed to get her another place. Finally, I decided to trust my ex and let the issue go. I did not like it, I sucked it up, but I told him, going forward, if there were matters concerning his exes that relates to me/us, I would like to be informed and consulted.

 

A month or so later, I asked my ex if he wanted me to go visit him a couple weekends later. He said no he had to be in town that weekend. A week went by, I texted him about this craft beer event that we can check out the following weekend. He texted back and said "can't go, Barbara's birthday". I realized at that time he did it again. Because Barbara was unhappy about her ex-man finding a new love, she probably didn't want to see me at her party, which I totally understand. I was upset because my ex decided to go without talking to me, just like how it was like with Amy. I felt disrespected and lied to again. When I asked him, he became extremely defensive and something so small, ended up engulfing an entire relationship.....he didn't end up going but he resented me strongly (I told him he could go, and not in a grudging way, I told him I just wanted to be respected).

 

Sadly, he was very resentful towards me and told me that Barbara was quite upset that he couldn't make it. His strong reaction to this silly (to me) matter made me suspect that there really was something unresolved going on between him and Barbara. After all, why does he care for her feelings so much knowing she just wants him to herself? Shouldn't real friends be happy for each other if one of them found someone special?

 

I questioned him in several emails and basically saying that if he and Barbara still have feelings for each other, maybe they should work it out and leave me out of it. He got so mad at me, accused me of having trust issues, is crazy and a liar. He refused to further discuss because I'm the one with the problem (controlling, trust issue, insecurity...etc), not him.

 

I was very very hurt, but because I feared losing him, I apologized and admitted that I was insecure and had trust issues.....etc even though I felt very much wronged at that time.

 

Needless to say, things never were the same again. We both harbour a lot of resentment towards each other. The only difference was, I was still trying to resolve the anger, while he completely shut down and wanted to pretend nothing was wrong. I tried, in the most creative and gentle ways possible to show him it was my perception, not accusation.....but he wouldn't listen, just wouldn't listen.

 

I was so frustrated and felt so lonely, I finally blurted out "we are breaking up" in one of my attempts to rekindle the relationship because he again, completely shut me out, insisting I was the one with the problem, that I was crazy.

 

After the hasty breakup, we both seemed to have regrets. He went across the country to one of his uncle's funeral. We kept in touch from time to time over that two weeks' period, and I thought things might be looking up again. He told me he couldn't just jump back into the relationship. He needed some time alone. I was ok with that because I thought we both needed to heal.

 

Then last Thursday, I texted him "how's life", he replied " hot and sweaty X2". I felt a bit weird about the X2. Later he told me, Amy is staying with him again and that she told him he shouldn't date anyone right now because of his work stress etc. So he doesn't want me to go visit him anytime soon. He said he's hesitant about us because I put a wedge between him and something that is important to him, that I have a dark side (argumentative).....

 

I completely lost it and said many things I regretted saying till this day but at that time my pain was overwhelming.

 

Was I crazy? I feel more bullied and abused. Could this be a cultural difference? I'm Asian, he's white, but I've been in N. America for a long time now.

[dasein]

Tough to read all that. Yes, you were mistreated badly. Better to have this man out of your life. He obviously never had any respect for you and your feelings at all, and would have brought you nothing but misery in the future. Strict NC, do not call, text anything, and do not reply or take his contacts. Get all reminders of him out of your life. Good luck.

[MrBossMan]

Stay away. You're definitely the only sane one here. Don't even talk to this wacko anymore. Leave him with Barbara and Amy. Find someone who makes you feel good. Seriously, you can do a LOT better.

[nescafe1982]

Yes--- continue no contact. This guy is an emotional abuser. Be kind to yourself in the coming weeks; you will have to recuperate from this one because it sounds like you were really put through the wringer. It will get better with time... after some time has passed, *then* you can do an effective post-mortem to figure out what the red flags were. For now, though, just be kind to yourself and get some distance from this terrible relationship. In time you'll thank your lucky stars you did.