What kept you continuing in the early stages of the affair?

[runningblind]

Hello! I am new to this forum and to affairs in general.

 

I am a 23 yo female involved with a married 45 yo male. It's only been going on officially for two weeks, and I just met him a month ago! I am shocked as to how quickly this is happening. It was completely unexpected. I happened to buy moving boxes off of craigslist, and he happened to be selling them. After I left from picking them up, I received a text from him telling me how beautiful I was. I asked him if he was married, and he said he was. Then it just sort of progressed from there with texting, and we met two weeks later for a date. I was separated from my stbx for a month before the whole box-buying incident, so I am technically still married. I am in the process of a divorce. He is not in the process of a divorce at all, and he told me he is happily married for the second time.

 

I guess I'm trying to make sense of it all. I asked him what he wanted out of this (I'm not sure if this is okay or not, but I did it anyway), and he said he liked spending time with me. He told me he doesn't want me to feel neglected, and that he will do all he can to see me as much as possible. However, he also stated that he is concerned that I will get attached to him, and that he wouldn't be able to meet my needs because he is "stuck" in his situation. He used the word "stuck"!

 

Does it seem like he has done this before? That first text was awfully forward of him. I asked him if he has ever cheated before, and he said no. But I'm sure they all say that...

 

Can someone explain to me the reason behind your particular affair? Why did you continue with it? Were you having second thoughts in the beginning?

 

I want to continue with it because I adore this man so far....and I don't want a "normal" relationship right now. I plan on leaving when I am ready to date again. I've decided six months after my non-painful divorce is probably sufficient. Even if I fall for this man, I will have to leave.

 

Please share your experiences with this newbie.

[wanting more]

Yes, it sounds like he's done this before.

 

It's a high. It's the secrecy, it's all the compliments, it's the "rush" of what he's risking to be with you.

 

It's all bulls**t. It's not worth it. It's easy to say now in 6 months you'll just walk away, chances are good it won't be that easy.

 

And by the way "stuck" is a common way of describing their M.

 

Read some posts from OW/OM on here, (aside from the couple happy OW/OM). All our stories are the same. Greatest high in the beginning, heart crushing in the end.

 

It's not worth it.

[psm04]

Hi there, I guess I continued with it because it truly became an addiction. It becomes an unhealthy dependency. We depend on each other to make ourselves feel better. It's messed up. All I can say is, I hope you don't fall for this man and end up with some major heartbreak, especially when it looks like you have enough to deal with with the divorce. He says he's 'happily married', but that he's 'stuck'? How can that be? And your gut instinct is probably right. If you feel that he is too forward, he probably has at least tried to have other affairs before.

 

I'm a MW who has been back and forth with an affair with a MM for over two years now. We've fallen for each other, which has messed things up very much. So, for what seems like the 100th time, we've decided recently to stop the affair, and 'be friends' (or, I have decided, and he has reluctantly agreed). Who knows if that'll work, but if I could go back to two years ago, knowing what I know and feeling what I feel, I'd have never entered into something like this.

 

I understand that you don't want a 'normal' relationship, and I'd feel the same way if my H and I divorced, but I'm not sure whether a fling with a MM would be what you want. You'd think that there are no commitment expectations, but that might not be the case. It might not even be you with unrealistic expectations. He might be the one getting jealous of you going out with someone else, etc. I know that my OMM was/is jealous of other guys I talk to, even though I'm married!. It probably won't be drama free.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do :-)

[WakingUp]

Three words:

 

Don't do it!

 

Run! (OK four words)

 

Respect yourself more.

[runningblind]

Yes, I should get out....especially since I'm questioning things ALREADY!

 

All of you are right. In six months, will I be able to get out? Probably not. It's only been two weeks, so it's easier to just stop now.

 

And yes, my gut instinct is probably right about him doing this before. I wouldn't be surprised.

[runningblind]

Hi there, I guess I continued with it because it truly became an addiction. It becomes an unhealthy dependency. We depend on each other to make ourselves feel better. It's messed up. All I can say is, I hope you don't fall for this man and end up with some major heartbreak, especially when it looks like you have enough to deal with with the divorce. He says he's 'happily married', but that he's 'stuck'? How can that be? And your gut instinct is probably right. If you feel that he is too forward, he probably has at least tried to have other affairs before.

 

I'm a MW who has been back and forth with an affair with a MM for over two years now. We've fallen for each other, which has messed things up very much. So, for what seems like the 100th time, we've decided recently to stop the affair, and 'be friends' (or, I have decided, and he has reluctantly agreed). Who knows if that'll work, but if I could go back to two years ago, knowing what I know and feeling what I feel, I'd have never entered into something like this.

 

I understand that you don't want a 'normal' relationship, and I'd feel the same way if my H and I divorced, but I'm not sure whether a fling with a MM would be what you want. You'd think that there are no commitment expectations, but that might not be the case. It might not even be you with unrealistic expectations. He might be the one getting jealous of you going out with someone else, etc. I know that my OMM was/is jealous of other guys I talk to, even though I'm married!. It probably won't be drama free.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do :-)

 

Yes, he said he was happy in his marriage last week. Today, he said he was "stuck" in his situation. Confusing, huh?

[adamswifey]

As a former OW, i have no regrets. From the time i was 18 until i met my husband (minus q year or so period where i was in a committed relationship) i seeked married men. I had no desire to settle down, have babies, even cuddle or have any sort of a relationship except a friends who have amazing sex type of thing.

 

If you want more.. Marriage.. Kids.. Run now!!

 

In the end someone always gets attached and then someone gets hurt. I never got attached but a couple of the men did. One was single and in the military, when it was time to.move to his next station, he proposed. I was shocked and very bluntly asked him what the hell he was thinking. He said he loved me.. I said i loved his dick. Needless to say, that was the last time i saw him.. One guy wanted to divorce his wife so we could get married.. I was 20 and had no.plans of marriage ever..

 

Anyways, my point is.. It sounds like you are developing feelings and the longer the afdair goes on, the more it will hurt when he chooses his wife or you realize being with him is not satisfying your needs any longer

[MissBee]

I can't relate to adoring someone you have known for a month. I think at that point it is very easy to disentangle, and isn't like you've already invested so much or know them that well.

 

Seems like you're at a vulnerable time and so many people say they don't want a normal relationship, so an affair is great, then for most, it's actually more complicated than a normal relationship and they invest just as emotionally, except in a dead-end.

 

For me: how I even ended up in the affair was unwittingly.He wasn't married first off, and I think that is major, as I highly doubt I'd have actually been involved with a man who was in fact married, living with his wife and kids and saying how happily married he was. I would be immediately turned off by that, and have been propositioned before with that and rolled my eyes and went on my way. With my exAP, he was in a committed relationship with the mother of his child, and when we met, it wasn't under a romantic context. We exchanged info for networking purposes, and I didn't at all care about his personal life. We communicated sporadically and it was platonic, until one day, after not speaking to him for months, he emailed me, and we then IMed and the tone changed from casual to more flirty and more of the manner in which a man pursues a woman he is interested in. I didn't at all think about his relationship, as he wasn't married, so I just assumed he broke up with his gf, as that happens with no fanfare. I also didn't know him that well, so knew he had a child, but didn't connect that it was with his gf. Long story short, he made no mention of her and when he did, he addressed her as his child's mother, which led me to believe they had no romantic relationship, until one day I found out otherwise, confronted him, and he admitted yes, they were still involved. I was shocked and hurt because that was almost a year in....but I continued because I told myself whatever, I liked him, but we were long distance anyway, we couldn't really have a relationship anyway, so what was the point of demanding he change his life...talking wouldn't hurt...blah blah and of course it moved from talking, to visits, to relationship to emotional investment. '

 

The short of it: wanting his attention, loving his attentiveness, genuinely liking him, ignoring his misrepresentation of his situation, hoping his own rationales were true, and lots of rationalizations on my part (he's not married, it's just talking, we're just friends, and plain, whatever, I don't care), allowed me to stay involved, after realizing the truth.

[Spark1111]

Yes, I should get out....especially since I'm questioning things ALREADY!

 

All of you are right. In six months, will I be able to get out? Probably not. It's only been two weeks, so it's easier to just stop now.

 

And yes, my gut instinct is probably right about him doing this before. I wouldn't be surprised.

 

hmmmmm...he sounds very smooth and is using all the buzz phrases to keep you right where he wants you: A steady side piece who puts NO DEMANDS on him.

 

How LUCKY can he get?

 

he sensed your vulnerability from the first meet up, played it and upon you big time. it will only crash and burn at your emotional expense maybe months or YEARS down the road.

 

Is this how you envision your future? Do you realize all the good men you will miss out on as you grow more attached to him and wait for his crumbs?

 

What are you doing?

 

Do yourself a favor and stop making yourself available for needy sex and attention. Seriously, see how long before he bolts.

 

he's not stuck. You are. break free from this bozo. Today.

 

get your boxes from someone else.

[runningblind]

hmmmmm...he sounds very smooth and is using all the buzz phrases to keep you right where he wants you: A steady side piece who puts NO DEMANDS on him.

 

How LUCKY can he get?

 

he sensed your vulnerability from the first meet up, played it and upon you big time. it will only crash and burn at your emotional expense maybe months or YEARS down the road.

 

Is this how you envision your future? Do you realize all the good men you will miss out on as you grow more attached to him and wait for his crumbs?

 

What are you doing?

 

Do yourself a favor and stop making yourself available for needy sex and attention. Seriously, see how long before he bolts.

 

he's not stuck. You are. break free from this bozo. Today.

 

get your boxes from someone else.

 

I eventually want a healthy long term relationship with a man who doesn't need to make time to do things with me.

 

Yep, this is exactly what I thought. What is in this for me? Not much. He's pretty much the first man that gave me this sort of attention after my separation, so that's probably why I went with it. Normally, I wouldn't respond to a text like that. I actually got a little upset that a married man was hitting on me at first.

 

I do give off a vulnerability vibe, and he totally harped on it.

 

WHAT AM I DOING?! Oh my gosh, how do I stop this? Do I just say "Hey, I don't feel comfortable with this. Don't contact me." I never do things like this or say things like that. I am terrible with setting boundaries and even understanding what healthy boundaries are.

[wanting more]

Yes, he said he was happy in his marriage last week. Today, he said he was "stuck" in his situation. Confusing, huh?

 

It's really not confusing. Last week when he said he was happy he probably didn't get the reaction he wanted. By telling you now he's stuck, that's a different reaction.

 

Some women may be content with being in an A with s happily married man, I'd guess you didn't react as though that were ok for you

 

Now saying he's stuck, I'd bet you reacted differently (maybe not even realizing you did) and he sees you have sympathy (poor man, stuck where he doesnt want to be) or excitement ( I can make him so happy) or hope ( maybe he'll leave for me). Anyone of these will make him feel like THE MAN bevause you'll do whatever you can to make him happy.

 

It's a fu**ked up situation no matter who you are (BS or OW) and he'll have the best of both worlds. (wife at home, his financial security, sex with wife, which yes, they still have sex, no matter what he says) and sex with you.

[sadwithouthim]

I'm the MW in EA with OM. In the beginning, it was so exciting. I did without sleep to talk to him, and took a lot of risks. We talked about it, and knew it could get complicated. Before we knew it, we were hooked.

 

My marriage is loveless, and has been for years. He made me feel loved, and we shared so much of ourselves. It never went physical in those 4 1/2 years (we recently stopped.....yet again). It would have definitely gone physical if we weren't more than 2,000 miles apart.

 

Your MM seems to be throwing some big red flags. Honestly, he sounds like a player, and his wife probably is clueless and thinks the marriage is good. I would end it now, before you can't, and believe me it happens quicker than you think. It's truly limbo. I'm sad that he's not a part of my life now, but I didn't want him to stay in limbo anymore. It really gets very hurtful. Please heed the warnings.

[2sure]

He told you was happily married and also stuck being happily married.

 

Uh, yeah he has done this before. Probably on Craigslist in the personals. Either way, you answered.

 

He likes to cheat.

[Pierre]

Dear Running Blind:

 

This guy is a pro and has done this a zillion times. The give away is that he says he is in a happy marriage and is afraid you will get attached. TRANSLATION: I hope you are not a high maintenance OW that falls in love with me and demands too much time from my part.

 

AS to what he wants: Lets see----a middle age guy finds a much younger woman that does not mind the fact he is married. Duhh he is looking for a young vagina. Hon, this is not rocket science. And BTW, don't think about getting attached, he already told you so.

 

 

This board is full of OWs that said they were just looking for easy sex with no strings attached. Most of these women fell very hard for OM and wish they had stopped early on.

 

You must be very vulnerable and looking for external validation. No one provides better external validation than these cheating men. And these OMs can spot needy women like you a mile away.

 

Lastly, you must know he probably texts most women he meets because he knows at least 5-10% fall for the cheese lines. Women with a healthy self esteem and not in need of validation are nauseated by men like this.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Firstly, going through the emotional fallout of divorce is a terrible time to start any relationship. You need to reestablish yourself as an individual. This would be a terrible time to enter into an affair. You are vulnerable and HE picked up on it right away.

 

Secondly, this guy is a professional, he's done this plenty. You're right that his text was bold, that is a major red flag. He sensed your vulnerability and used that. He most likely forgot which tactic he used to explain his desire to step out of his marriage. It's possible that he has several of these going on at one time.

 

Third, he wants sex. He wants sex with a girl twenty years his junior. It's an old man's dream. He doesn't want to leave his life to marry you, he wants to play.

 

I get that you think you don't want a real relationship right now, but you will come to depend on him. No single man in his right mind can possibly compete, because they can't begin to come on as strongly as a MM. That causes a lot if women to feel they will never have the same connection with a single man.

You're way to young to sign up for that.

 

This man knows exactly what he's doing. "I'm afraid you'll become too attached?" Yeah, he's manipulating you. You couldn't convince me those words came from a 45 year old man who is having his FIRST affair with a 23 year old who picked up boxes from him. Don't get blinded by the complements, I'm sure they're true, just not sincere! He is playing a game, it's a sport, he's using you for his entertainment. None of this is about YOU, it's about him, and you'll lose yourself before you figure that out if you go through with this, I hate to say.

 

Good luck starting your new life, I hope you'll have as few setbacks as possible. Make good choices, it'll behoove you!

[SammySammy]

What kept me continuing in the early stages of the affair?

 

It was flattering to be wanted so badly.

 

And great sex.

[Pierre]

It was flattering to be wanted so badly.

 

 

The hallmark on many that fall into EMRs.:o:o

[j'adore]

Yes, I should get out....especially since I'm questioning things ALREADY!

 

All of you are right. In six months, will I be able to get out? Probably not. It's only been two weeks, so it's easier to just stop now.

 

And yes, my gut instinct is probably right about him doing this before. I wouldn't be surprised.

My mm never used flattery, but we had amazing chemistry and laughed so much, I loved the way he looked at me. Just felt so happy.

 

And even I am saying RUN....... it can wreck your life, I can truly say we have never been so miserable in our entire life, because he is a coward

Edited July 24, 2013 by j'adore

[Effy149]

I've been in a EA for about a month now, and you really got me wondering about why I keep it going. First off, he is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. The fact that he likes me the way he does and wants to sleep with me, despite being married is flattering. I feel somewhat guilty about liking the attention he is giving me, but I'm enjoying it and that's that. There's also the fact that he is somewhat with holding, he will go from not texting me for a few days to intense sexting telling me that he wants to come over and have sex with me. The fact that the attention isn't constant is what keeps me coming back as well as the fact that it's forbidden and it's our dirty little secret. Also, I guess at the end of the day, if he was single, I could see us really being together. Wow, you really got me thinking about things.

[j'adore]

I've been in a EA for about a month now, and you really got me wondering about why I keep it going. First off, he is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. The fact that he likes me the way he does and wants to sleep with me, despite being married is flattering. I feel somewhat guilty about liking the attention he is giving me, but I'm enjoying it and that's that. There's also the fact that he is somewhat with holding, he will go from not texting me for a few days to intense sexting telling me that he wants to come over and have sex with me. The fact that the attention isn't constant is what keeps me coming back as well as the fact that it's forbidden and it's our dirty little secret. Also, I guess at the end of the day, if he was single, I could see us really being together. Wow, you really got me thinking about things.

He wants to sleep with you despite being married, are you kidding me? What about he wants to sleep with instead of being married. that would be more flattering. And I am an OW.

[Quiet Storm]

I eventually want a healthy long term relationship with a man who doesn't need to make time to do things with me.

 

Yep, this is exactly what I thought. What is in this for me? Not much. He's pretty much the first man that gave me this sort of attention after my separation, so that's probably why I went with it. Normally, I wouldn't respond to a text like that. I actually got a little upset that a married man was hitting on me at first.

 

I do give off a vulnerability vibe, and he totally harped on it.

 

WHAT AM I DOING?! Oh my gosh, how do I stop this? Do I just say "Hey, I don't feel comfortable with this. Don't contact me." I never do things like this or say things like that. I am terrible with setting boundaries and even understanding what healthy boundaries are.

 

you are a step ahead of many others because you see your weaknesses. You know you have bad boundaries. You know you give off a vulnerability vibe. So use that knowledge to your advantage and keep yourself out of trouble. Being an adult is like being your own parent. You have to protect yourself. And love yourself.

Edited July 24, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[Pierre]

The fact that he likes me the way he does and wants to sleep with me, despite being married is flattering.

 

Wow! I strongly suggest you see a psychiatrist ASAP. You are validated because a cheating smooth philandering married man wants to have sex with you. Do you realize that a healthy woman with normal self esteem would not pay this POS one second of attention?

 

If you need to be sexyally desired to feel good you need therapy ASAP. Please seek IC.

[Pierre]

He wants to sleep with you despite being married' date=' are you kidding me? What about he wants to sleep with instead of being married. that would be more flattering. And I am an OW.[/quote']

 

Either one is extremely unhealthy. Normal woman with good self esteem don't think this way.

[j'adore]

Either one is extremely unhealthy. Normal woman with good self esteem don't think this way.

Well I guess so, I was just so amazed that someone would be flattered.

[Spark1111]

I eventually want a healthy long term relationship with a man who doesn't need to make time to do things with me.

 

Yep, this is exactly what I thought. What is in this for me? Not much. He's pretty much the first man that gave me this sort of attention after my separation, so that's probably why I went with it. Normally, I wouldn't respond to a text like that. I actually got a little upset that a married man was hitting on me at first.

 

I do give off a vulnerability vibe, and he totally harped on it.

 

WHAT AM I DOING?! Oh my gosh, how do I stop this? Do I just say "Hey, I don't feel comfortable with this. Don't contact me." I never do things like this or say things like that. I am terrible with setting boundaries and even understanding what healthy boundaries are.

 

You stop this be telling him that you have met a single guy who seems to worship you and you want to be exclusive with HIM, so buh bye.

 

THEN, you meet a single guy who worships you and YOU want to be exclusive with him.