What kept you continuing in the early stages of the affair?

[Lady2163]

To answer the original question...

 

1..I had gone 27 weeks without sex. He rocked my world.

2. We have similar, slightly unique backgrounds

3. I enjoyed his company.

4. I didn't want a "real" relationship

 

Now, for your situation, I'm with every one else, this guy is probably convincingly lying his butt off to you and is a player.

 

IF - and this is huge, if you are able to keep from getting attached to him, then I say, "Go for it, be friends with benefits for six months or so."

 

But that is still dangerous for you, particularly if he is a manipulator. He's 22 years older than you are, there's a pretty good chance he knows more relationship tricks than you.

 

He may be telling you not to get attached to him, but by the same token, don't let him "train" you to accept the least he has to offer. Don't ever settle for what I call 15 minute sex. That's where he has just a few minutes, comes over, gets his rocks off and barely kisses you before he's out the door. He knows he's left you wanting more and you'll be primed for the next time, which may just be a repeat of what just happened.

 

Do not become so accessible to him that you eventually alienate your friends. You cancel on your work out buddy at the last minute, because four hours ago he told you he "might" have time later that day and he'll get right back to you. Your friends and family will get tired of that quick, you're now lying to them (more than likely) and those who are more astute will figure out what's going on.

 

Don't always answer your phone. Tell him 'no' when he wants to get together every once in a while.

 

And this one is a biggie : go out on a date once a week with a single guy. Make sure he knows it. If he calls during the date, ignore it. Make sure he knows what a great time you had.

 

And if you can't find anyone to date, lie to him and go to the library for a couple of hours.

 

This may sound like junior high bs to make him jealous, but that isn't the goal.

 

My concern is for you. I think ths guy is probably a master manipulator and a very smooth predator. I'm thinking he will get you hooked and then treat you so rotten, you won't recognize yourself or your life six months from now. The things I listed are to keep him from getting too comfortable.

[runningblind]

This really made me open my eyes. I decided to stop seeing him. This is so wrong on so many levels, and I am realizing how much of a [married] player he is. If I did not have this site to help me think through it, who knows what would have happened! THANK YOU ALL so much!

[Pierre]

And this one is a biggie : go out on a date once a week with a single guy. Make sure he knows it. If he calls during the date, ignore it. Make sure he knows what a great time you had.

 

 

If I was a 23 year old available guy I would hate to date a girl my age that is banging a man old enough to be my dad. Or at best I would not take her seriously.

 

 

I also disagree with your advice to bang the guy for six months. She will get attached and get hurt.

Edited July 25, 2013 by Pierre

[Lady2163]

My reason for suggesting dating is so that she doesn't 'forget' how it is supposed to be. It's too easy to quit living in a sense and just be available for any spare moment he might have.

 

As is the case with the Internet, I am making assumptions. I am assuming she won't feel the need to tell every date what she has been doing recently in the sex department.

 

10+ years ago my best friend unintentionally outed my past of a married man to my current boyfriend. She assumed because I talked freely to her and was comfortable with him I had disclosed it. His own marriage had ended four years earlier because of his infidelities. All I could say later to him was, "it was a long time ago, I don't talk about it, but if you have questions, I will answer them.". He didn't.

 

I am also assuming that even with her age, she is able to separate the action of making love from the emotion of love. I may be looking at things much too jaded.

[Pastypop]

I had a situation like this. Had a bad marriage, crazy in-laws and a bunch of little kids. This man contacted me online and he was so nice and sweet to me. I kept thinking I need to ditch this guy but, he called, emailed and texted me all the time. Even drove hours to see me. I was so lonely and really enjoyed the attention. Shoot, my husband sure wasn't providing it. He was never around and when he was, he wouldn't talk to me. I decided I was going to keep guy around for a couple of years until things got better but, his wife found out after 14 months and poof, he was gone in a flash. That was almost 3 years ago and I am still heart-broken. End it before it goes too far. Just not worth the heartache.

[Pierre]

My reason for suggesting dating is so that she doesn't 'forget' how it is supposed to be. It's too easy to quit living in a sense and just be available for any spare moment he might have.

 

As is the case with the Internet, I am making assumptions. I am assuming she won't feel the need to tell every date what she has been doing recently in the sex department.

 

10+ years ago my best friend unintentionally outed my past of a married man to my current boyfriend. She assumed because I talked freely to her and was comfortable with him I had disclosed it. His own marriage had ended four years earlier because of his infidelities. All I could say later to him was, "it was a long time ago, I don't talk about it, but if you have questions, I will answer them.". He didn't.

 

I am also assuming that even with her age, she is able to separate the action of making love from the emotion of love. I may be looking at things much too jaded.

 

From the looks of this I suspect the OP will likely be severely damaged by using a married man for sex. If she is a sex maniac I suggest find someone her own age that is not attached. Nevertheless, i don't suggests FWBs. Too risky to a woman age 23. I could see it if she was in her 40s with few options.

 

As a man I have no interest in dating women that have FWBs. I don't think is fun to put the penis in recently used vaginas. By the same tokes many women don't like a recently used penis. I think OP needs to be alone till the dust settles from her divorce.

[runningblind]

From the looks of this I suspect the OP will likely be severely damaged by using a married man for sex. If she is a sex maniac I suggest find someone her own age that is not attached. Nevertheless, i don't suggests FWBs. Too risky to a woman age 23. I could see it if she was in her 40s with few options.

 

As a man I have no interest in dating women that have FWBs. I don't think is fun to put the penis in recently used vaginas. By the same tokes many women don't like a recently used penis. I think OP needs to be alone till the dust settles from her divorce.

 

Good thinking. I will do just that. I have made a mistake so far, and I don't intend to keep making big ones like this. I am actually disgusted by this man now, which is interesting....because I really liked him even a few days ago. I obviously need to stay away from any type of sexual (or otherwise) relationship right now. I can't believe I did this.

 

And yes, I do have a therapist.

[Lady2163]

Lol Pierre, I just reread your post...you did pick up on the fact that I am in my 40's...with limited options?