cheating paranoia

[laylay305]

background: I suffer from codependency, which I've recently come to terms with and am working through. I've had a history of dating losers and guys who were unfaithful--i have terrible abandonment issues and get nervous that my boyfriend doesn't care enough. I've talked to my boyfriend about this and luckily he's understanding.

 

anyway, about a week ago, my boyfriend logged into snapchat, which he just upgraded and created a new account for. it said he had new notifications, which he checked in front of me, and it was people who added him as a friend, and there were a few other girls, but he said "i don't know who half these people are"...so that made me kind of worried. but I check snapchat, and I'm his only 'best friend', and he's barely sent or received any, based on his score.

 

anyway, last weekend, he went on a trip to canada with his brother, sister-in-law, and their good friend, who has a history of being shady and having multiple girls and cheating. he's talked poorly about this guy and says he feels bad for the girls this guy plays. so anyway because they were in canada, my boyfriend only used his phone when he got free wi-fi and could i-message me and either turned the phone on airplane mode or left it in the room otherwise. I chatted with him Friday night, then Saturday, I was tailgating and at a concert with friends all day, and texted him a few times, but didn't hear back. Sunday morning he texted and responded and things were normal.

 

he came over last night and we were chatting about the trip. he said his brother's friend kept trying to hook up with underage chicks and was failing and asked my boyfriend to be his wingman. my boyfriend said he ended up talking to one of the girls friends (who is also a therapist) and they just chatted about work stuff, and the friend was upset he didn't talk him up. he also later mentioned that he and the friend also had a heart to heart after the bar that night, so I doubt anything happened with the girl. I jokingly asked my boyfriend, "you behaved yourself, right?" and he told me "yes, you know I'm not the kind of guy that would do that." and I told him I trust him, but I don't trust the friend. he jokingly asked if I behaved myself at the concert, but that was pretty much the end of the conversation. he's also told me in the past he can get slightly jealous, and has gotten upset that i'm getting a stripper for my friend's bachelorette, asked who guys who commented on facebook were, etc. he admits it's bad and has been working on his own jealousy issues.

 

i'm also a little nervous because sometimes he leaves his phone in his pocket, or sets it down, screen down on the table or counter. a lot of the time though, he does leave it out with the screen side up.

 

i feel like I'm overreacting, and I should trust him. he recently told me that he's only felt this way about two other girls, and I'm the first girl that he can really be himself with. he said he feels that we're so in sync. we've also talked about moving in together when my lease ends, and we've discussed getting married eventually. I also just met his parents a few weekends ago. he also usually calls and texts when we aren't together, and is still very affectionate--in and out of the bedroom.

 

i don't know if I'm just paranoid, or if there is something going on. any insight is appreciated.

[2sure]

Well, I'm probably the most mistrusting person you will see on here. I came by it honestly though and have taught myself to live around it.

 

From what you've described, you have a good BF and a good relationship. You are communicating openly and honestly. You might consider just pushing all thoughts regarding his phone aside. It's just a phone . It's his phone. Nothing interesting about it.

 

If you see a red flag, or feel very insecure about something... Mention it. Tell him," this bothers me. I haven't decided why yet. "

 

It starts the conversation in an open non confrontational way.

[jphcbpa]

This sounds workable and it appears you both have some issues to work through. Why not help each other grow past this together? Keep being open and honest. Let him know when you are feeling insecure and ask him to do the same. It might seem like you will push him away with such candid sharing but I think you will discover it will bring you closer together

 

I had the upside down phone talk with my g/f. One of my exs did that and it turned out she was cheating. My g/f did it as a habit, before I met her I should add, because she has meetings with clients and does not want it to be a distraction in. She has a son so she keeps it with her at all times.

 

One day I simply told her about how I was being triggered and that it had nothing to do with her. She listened and has made that change in the way she sets down her phone. I did not ask her to make the change I just shared something that triggered me and that i want her to know me.

[MrBossMan]

He seems clean. Based on what you said, it's just paranoia. Plus, he wouldn't have mentioned it if he was up to something.

[giblesp]

I got as far as the reference to underage girls. Unless your boyfriend wants to be associated with very complicated legal issues, I suggest you tell him to choose his friends more carefully and speak out against men who are taking advantage of minors.