GF Still Clinging to Ex?

[MrBossMan]

Hi, folks!

 

It's been a while since I was here, but I need your help once again.

 

There's a guy that my gf (of 2 years) dated seriously when she was in her early teens. He broke up with her (yeah, I know ), and broke her heart back then. That was over 10 years ago (we're now both in our mid twenties). She says she was scarred by this and even wrote songs about it. Now they're on an acquaintance-like basis.

 

The last time she physically saw him was when me and her started dating, and it was at an event of hers (that he invited himself to). I found out later that he was saying weird things relating to her not paying attention to him during the event (because I was there and she was talking to me or her family members most of the time). Not long after, I saw a conversation she had with her best friend and she was asking if her best friend thought he was cute.

 

Well, he has been hiring me every now and then to do a creative service for him (he's an aspiring musician and I design things for his CD covers). There's no face-to-face meetings, but I email files to him and he sends the money online. This happens about once every 2 months.

 

But I have the feeling that he's only doing this to retain some kind of reason to stay connected to her in some way. He started this business relationship by messaging her to forward things to me. I told her to just send him my email address next time (which he should already have). She did so. He responded by saying that he didn't know my email and would message me directly from then on.

 

He started sending me his requests to me directly, but I was told by her after some time that he messaged her out of the blue asking personal questions and was asking if she was having any events coming up like the one mentioned earlier (obviously so that he could invite himself). She was, but she didn't tell him. I told her to stop responding to him.

 

It was a while without hearing from him and I (out of the blue) asked her if he had contacted her lately. She said no.

 

Literally, a day later, she said that she got something from him to send to me. This time, the thing he sent to her contained some religious quotes that he knows is of interest to her, in spite of the fact that he isn't religious and also that the other things he sent are full of vulgarities and things that contradict this. She forwarded it to me, but I told her to just respond with my email address IF anything.

 

I did not get back to him about it and this was almost 2 weeks ago. I just wanted to see what he says to me or to her when I do not reply. He hasn't said anything.

 

Throughout all of this, she has been consistently mocking his lack of taste and his lack of musical skills (he's pretty bad ).

 

Last week, she picked up her phone next to me and I saw that she left it on his LinkedIn page. We've also had a little argument once where she said she wanted to remain in contact with (unspecified) exes.

 

Now I'm wondering:

 

1. Does her looking at his page mean anything?

2. Is she suffering from a little bit of the-one-who-got-away syndrome?

3. Is her bad-mouthing and mocking him a diversion?

4. Does him coincidentally forwarding something a day after I mentioned him mean that she possibly reached out to him?

5. Should I tell her to block him?

6. What actions should I take?

 

I've considered telling him that I no longer offer that service, just to get him out of the picture. What do you think? Thanks in advance.

[MrBossMan]

Oh, and let me add that she has admitted to being in 5 relationships simultaneously right up until she met me. She also said that she went through many breakups and reconciliations with her exes and this is, by far, the longest she's been in a relationship without a breakup (she said that after 1 year). I know, I know.

Edited July 24, 2013 by MrBossMan
More details.

[road]

Run for the hills.

 

There is a reason she has gone through a lot of relationships.

 

Wants to keep ex's in her life.

 

No need to say more.

[Darren Steez]

What is it that you're failing to see? She's a wreck. Get rid

[MrBossMan]

Run for the hills.

 

There is a reason she has gone through a lot of relationships.

 

Wants to keep ex's in her life.

 

No need to say more.

 

Not so fast.

 

That's true, but I'm hesitant to take such drastic actions so easily because she has demonstrated a willingness to improve. For example, she has always had an anger issue where she would fly into an irrational rage multiple times a week. All of last year, she couldn't go a week without this happening. But by the time 2013 rolled around, it's very rare for her to get very upset. It only happened once this year the day that she had a scare. She recently apologized for her past behavior.

 

So leaving her aside, do you think that I should just attempt to get rid of her ex (tell her not to respond to him at all) and see how she reacts?

[MrBossMan]

What is it that you're failing to see? She's a wreck. Get rid

 

She has shown improvement over the years as I just mentioned in another comment. I honestly think she can be fixed and she hasn't dug her heels in the ground yet. I'm going to see how she reacts to me asking her to cut off communication with all exes if she is still in it. I don't know for sure whether or not she's still trying to keep exes in her life.

[RogerWallace111]

Damn, Skid, you funny !

 

You're gonna follow your heart either way man, but I have to agree the outlook isn't good longterm. From what I've seen & experienced, any time a major change is required from one person in the relationship for it to work, it's not likely to go well. Plus the problem with trying to change your girl/guy's ingrained habits is that they'll almost always develop at least slight resentment toward you over it. Even if they explicitly agree and make a case for how they want the change too. If you tell her to stop talking to her ex/exes, she will likely oblige. You'll tell her you don't want to be controlling but that it's just not cool with you and you'd appreciate her respecting that. She'll say yeah, she understands & will stop, but will have to add one last time how it doesn't mean anything and she wishes you could see that. She'll be ok with it for a while and then, out of principle, regardless of if she gives a sh*t about being in contact with her exes, will start to feel like she's being controlled. Then she'll yell about it when you guys are in a fight, completely disregarding her one-time claim of having supposed empathy/understanding for your feelings.

 

I don't know, I may be reading too much into things

[Keke1]

RogerWallace111;5076667]Damn, Skid, you funny !

 

You're gonna follow your heart either way man, but I have to agree the outlook isn't good longterm. From what I've seen & experienced, any time a major change is required from one person in the relationship for it to work, it's not likely to go well. Plus the problem with trying to change your girl/guy's ingrained habits is that they'll almost always develop at least slight resentment toward you over it. Even if they explicitly agree and make a case for how they want the change too. If you tell her to stop talking to her ex/exes, she will likely oblige. You'll tell her you don't want to be controlling but that it's just not cool with you and you'd appreciate her respecting that. She'll say yeah, she understands & will stop, but will have to add one last time how it doesn't mean anything and she wishes you could see that. She'll be ok with it for a while and then, out of principle, regardless of if she gives a sh*t about being in contact with her exes, will start to feel like she's being controlled. Then she'll yell about it when you guys are in a fight, completely disregarding her one-time claim of having supposed empathy/understanding for your feelings.

 

I don't know, I may be reading too much into things

Perfect post right here Captain or OP whatever you'd like to be called.

Edited July 25, 2013 by Keke1

[MrBossMan]

Ahhhh... "Captain Save a Ho" strikes again.

 

Do you have a cool "Captain Save a Ho" costume? If not, I will donate my old "Captain Save a Ho" Suit to you. I no longer have a use for it so its yours if you want it.

 

Cool design, great colors and it breaths really well. The cape really sets it apart from the others, if you ask me.

 

Did you know that the suit has "SUPERPOWERS"?!?!

 

It protects you from logic, reason, sanity, peace, wisdom, understanding, healing and acceptance.

 

However, I did find out that it doesn't protect you from YOURSELF, from being a fool, losing your dignity, destroying you self-esteem, crushing your self-worth, misery, sorrow, heartache, pain and torture from self inflicted wounds.

 

I haven't worn it in years but it's still in excellent condition. If interested, I will have it dry cleaned and gladly ship it at no charge to you.

 

Well, even if the worst happens, at least I won't be blindsided.

[MrBossMan]

Damn, Skid, you funny !

 

You're gonna follow your heart either way man, but I have to agree the outlook isn't good longterm. From what I've seen & experienced, any time a major change is required from one person in the relationship for it to work, it's not likely to go well. Plus the problem with trying to change your girl/guy's ingrained habits is that they'll almost always develop at least slight resentment toward you over it. Even if they explicitly agree and make a case for how they want the change too. If you tell her to stop talking to her ex/exes, she will likely oblige. You'll tell her you don't want to be controlling but that it's just not cool with you and you'd appreciate her respecting that. She'll say yeah, she understands & will stop, but will have to add one last time how it doesn't mean anything and she wishes you could see that. She'll be ok with it for a while and then, out of principle, regardless of if she gives a sh*t about being in contact with her exes, will start to feel like she's being controlled. Then she'll yell about it when you guys are in a fight, completely disregarding her one-time claim of having supposed empathy/understanding for your feelings.

 

I don't know, I may be reading too much into things

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

Oh, boy. Yes, she seems to have developed a hypersensitivity to me asking questions or being cautious. Sometimes she will mention random guys hitting on her, but I can tell that she's doing it to see if I will get jealous or something. I just chuckle it off and show no annoyance.

 

Once, late last year. We were at a very small musical event which featured a mutual female friend. There was a guy there who performed who has a CD that my gf and her best friend used to play in the car and sing to. (He's not big or anything. The CD was given to them by our mutual female friend... and I'll also add that this guy clearly lifts and is much bigger than me). So when we're leaving, this guy just happens to position himself right next to the exit. I noticed right away, but ignored.

 

I went out and instead of being right behind me, she stops to chat him up. So I'm standing outside waiting for her and her best friend to end the conversation.

 

Then, after they end the convo and exit, I hear her best friend whisper to her that he clearly waited for her and that he probably doesn't know that she was with me. She noticed that I was acting annoyed and I told her later that I wasn't mad at her, but was just a little frustrated with how clueless she was... that her best friend and me both notice these things easily and she is oblivious to how doing certain things might make me feel. I reinforce several times that I wasn't mad at her (and I wasn't).

 

She then counters by getting angry at me. She tells me that I shouldn't make something out of nothing and that I should just be cool. Sigh. Since then, that issue hasn't come up.

 

I'll also quickly say that normally (esp. this year) my gf seems to worship the ground I walk on, tries to see me ALL THE TIME, and even occasionally begs me to never leave her. But I'll rock the nest a little and see what happens. Then I'll report back.

[MrBossMan]

Perfect post right here Captain or OP whatever you'd like to be called.

 

Sighhhhh

[twixed]

What happened OP? Did she decide to cut off those loose ends?

 

Some people just always need fawning wanton attention all the time. They are terrible at committed relationships because as soon as you're unavailable, guess who's on the phone? Its nice when you're her number one, but not so nice to find out who else she's seeing.

[MrBossMan]

What happened OP? Did she decide to cut off those loose ends?

 

Some people just always need fawning wanton attention all the time. They are terrible at committed relationships because as soon as you're unavailable, guess who's on the phone? Its nice when you're her number one, but not so nice to find out who else she's seeing.

 

Well, she seems to have done so.

Yes, I know what you mean. Being number 1 is still not so great if you know that there's a number 2, number 3, etc. I don't want to feel like I'm a champion boxer trying to defend his belt.

[IAmRobot]

Only you can know how you feel.

 

If he being in contact with exes bothers you A LOT (which IMO is pretty normal), then tell her. If she is not willing to compromise with things that bother you, then she doesn't care that much.

 

It's really weird that she is still in contact with this guy IMO. And yes, girls usually suffer for that "teenager pure feelings" experience and in her eyes he'll always represent that.

 

Also I don't understand the reason that this guy is still in her life 10 years later...

[giblesp]

She was in a relationship at a very young age. It's too young to fully process the emotions involved and maybe she hasn't processed them yet. Is he the same age as her?

 

Ask her if she has any feeling for him, especially romantic ones. If the answer is no, then she is probably still affected by it. If he treated her badly in any way, it will take her time to heal. Don't think its her fault that she still has these wounds, it happened when she was young.

Be calm when she's expressing anything about her past, this will be more beneficial for her than diagnosing and analyzing.

 

If she's chatting to guys as friends that's fine. But in the scenario you described it would be better for her to simply tap you on the shoulder and talk to the guy together, instead of letting you walk away. She should have a good reason for that.

 

As for the old boyfriend, its time for him to move on. Cut him off completely.

 

Sounds like she's a bit insecure, you're going to have to stand your ground and face her possible anger to help her out, and make your relationship more secure. State your point and be as calm as possible.

[empirestate87]

Dump her...