Hubby cheated with sister?

[ImNuckinFutz]

Hi there all friends at the shack! I sure could use some advice, i'm confused as he**, here is my problem, my hubby and I have been together for 18 years and married for a little over 1. Anyway about 5 years ago (and yes I know that's a long time but you'll see what i'm getting at) my hubby had a hard time finding work so I was working supporting him and our kids, while he stayed home and watched them. At the same time I was supporting my sister, her hubby and their kids as well. They were completely broke so I took them in (couldn't see them living on the streets with the kids)

 

Well to make a very long story short, my sister seemed really pissed off at my wedding last year, never could figure out why, it was said that she thought our marriage was a joke, but she never had the balls to say it to me. Anyway other family members who were mad at my sis, decided to tell me that my sis was mad at the wedding because she had an affair with my hubby when she was living with us (which is where the 5 years comes in) I lost it, I was so mad I could have spit fire, I questioned my hubby about it and he says he swears nothing happened, but when I spoke (ok yelled) at my sister she said it was all true and tried to tell me how sorry she was. Now i'm caught between who do I trust, my sister and I have had problems in the past but I don't know that she would lie about something like this. (Oh I should add that I just found out about this.) I'm also caught in a hard place because I don't know if I should leave my hubby , I really don't know what to do. The thought of him being with my own sister is bad enough, then I think they did it with my kids there, ohh that burns me.

 

I can honestly say that had I known about this before we got married I wouldn't have married him, I have tried to get them in the same room, I figure it would be harder for them to lie to me in front of each other, I have yet to get them together, they completely avoid each other now. Even if we go to a family function (which by the way I am well behaved at considering I would love to beat both of them) They try their hardest not to even look at each other. I feel I am consumed with anger, is this something I can get over?

 

Thanks for the help!

[Naive]

Wow that must be a low blow!!!

 

You really have to figure out if you can live with him after finding this out. If he had the balls to cheat on you after being together for so long what assures you he will not do it again?

[HokeyReligions]

Have you had trust issues with your husband?

 

The reason I ask is because you seem, by the way you wrote your post, to not trust your husband. You are very ready to believe that he would cheat on you with your sister (or anyone else). You are talking about leaving him because of this.

 

I've been married a long time. If someone were to tell me that my husband cheated on me - I would not believe them and I would discuss it with my husband. If he told me that he did not cheat, I would believe him. We have had our problems, including little lies along the way, but with something big like this I would still believe and trust him.

 

Do you believe that your husband is capable of this type of act?

 

On the other side of the coin, if the roles were reversed and your hubby had been told that you had an affair and you denied it, how would it make you feel if your hubby didn't believe you or lost trust in you based on someone else's story?

 

I hope it's not true.

[ImNuckinFutz]

Yes, your right, I have had trust issues with him in the past, this wouldn't have been the first time he would have cheated. I forgave him for the other times because I love him and we have kids, but I feel it's different with it being my sister. I'm not sure he would tell me the truth considering I told him that if it were ever a family member I would be gone. When I was first told about this I didn't want to believe it and yes I should have trusted my hubby enough to believe him, it was just something in his eyes that told me he wasn't being honest with me.

 

And you are right hokey, if the roles were reversed I would be very hurt that he didn't believe me. My problem is that he did admit to kissing her, but said it didn't happen when she lived with us, but can't tell me when that happened. It just makes me wonder how many other times this happened. I have been with this man since I was 14, I want more than anything to believe all of this is just a load of crap and that for some reason my family just wants to hurt me. I guess I just don't know how I feel about any of it any more.

 

You are also right naive, I do worry now that he could do it again, not only with just my sister but with anyone. And your right about the low blow, this one hit me hard. My family tells me I should just forgive them, but I know this will always haunt my heart.

 

Thanks for the help

[HokeyReligions]

Yikes! In that case, with his history of deceipt, I think I would leave the marriage. You've been with him since you were 14! There are more and better things out there and you deserve to be happy and to trust.

 

Even a state of misery and sadness and trustlessness can become a comfort zone for people, out of habit or lack of experience. Your marriage may be your family's comfort zone -- don't let this be your comfort zone.

[Nocturnalkitee]

I have tried to get them in the same room, I figure it would be harder for them to lie to me in front of each other, I have yet to get them together, they completely avoid each other now. Even if we go to a family function (which by the way I am well behaved at considering I would love to beat both of them) They try their hardest not to even look at each other.

Thanks for the help!

 

Since your husband said nothing happen between them, instead of avoiding your sister, why hasn't he confronted her. That makes me think she is telling the truth

[SoleMate]

Yes, their behavior is totally consistent with her story being true. If she were making up this kind of inflammatory story, it is almost inconceivable to me that your H would not challenge her on it.

 

If your husband starts calling you "crazy", then you will have the final nail in the coffin. Not that affairs cannot be overcome - but he has to come clean, show remorse, and be proactive in rebuilding. None of which he has done. Then there is the extreme complication of the fact that comfortable family gatherings have become nigh unto impossible!

 

(BTW - is your sister's marriage ALSO a joke? I would say so, based on her own criteria.)

[EnigmaXOXO]

I agree with SoulMate in that your husband's reaction (or lack thereof) and his history of affairs and deception (particular admitting he once kissed your sister) seems to substantiate her story.

 

Regardless of whatever differences you and your sister have had in the past, do you really think she is capable of fabricating a story like this and falsely implicating herself - risking rejection from family and friends - just to break you up?

 

Secondly, if your husband's brother (hypothetically) falsely accused you of having an affair with him, how might you - or anyone else for that matter - react to such a horrible accusation? Would you just simply avoid him? --- Or might that send you into such a rage that you'd want to confront him in front of husband, family and friends to clear your name and expose him for the liar he was?

 

Your sister would have to hate you an awful lot to conjure up a lie this big. Enough to risk ostracizing herself from your entire family and circle of friends. And if she is telling the truth and has finally found the courage to come forward, I can't imagine how horrible it would be if everyone thought so little of her that no one believed her.

[ImNuckinFutz]

Thanks to everyone for the advice and your opinions. I too question why they won't come face to face about this, If it were me and it were not true, I would have confronted it right away. The fact that they are pretty much hiding from each other tells me they are hiding something!

 

Enigma you wrote:

Your sister would have to hate you an awful lot to conjure up a lie this big. Enough to risk ostracizing herself from your entire family and circle of friends. And if she is telling the truth and has finally found the courage to come forward, I can't imagine how horrible it would be if everyone thought so little of her that no one believed her.

 

That is another part of the problem, My sister only admitted this to 2 people, her best friend (the one that told me, she also happens to be our sister-in-law) and myself. she has her husband believing that this is something I am making up, she told me she would never admit this to him for fear of breaking up her marriage. The rest of the family think i'm just trying to cause trouble. Which is why they keep telling me to just forgive them.

 

Soulmate you said:

Then there is the extreme complication of the fact that comfortable family gatherings have become nigh unto impossible!

 

That is very true, since finding this out I find that I avoid all family functions, not that I really need to, I feel I have handled things well and I do not bring this up at these times.

 

(BTW - is your sister's marriage ALSO a joke? I would say so, based on her own criteria.)

 

Lets just say this wouldn't be the first (or second) time she has cheated on her husband.

 

Hokey you said;

Even a state of misery and sadness and trustlessness can become a comfort zone for people, out of habit or lack of experience. Your marriage may be your family's comfort zone -- don't let this be your comfort zone.

 

unfortunetly, I do feel like I sometimes use my marriage as a crutch, not sure if that's the same as a "comfort zone" I have never been on my own and have devoted my life to my husband and kids. I have always put them first even if I had to go without something. I'm not sure how I would handle being alone, as i've never really had to be. So in that sense you are so right about it being a comfort zone. I also worry because after my husband found work, it was discussed between him and I that I would stay home to raise the kids, so I have not worked in alittle over 4 years, a little scary thinking about starting all over.

 

Thanks to all of you! I hope you all have a wonderful day!

[fredrolin]

Originally posted by ImNuckinFutz

Hi there all friends at the shack! I sure could use some advice, i'm confused as he**, here is my problem, my hubby and I have been together for 18 years and married for a little over 1. Anyway about 5 years ago (and yes I know that's a long time but you'll see what i'm getting at) my hubby had a hard time finding work so I was working supporting him and our kids, while he stayed home and watched them. At the same time I was supporting my sister, her hubby and their kids as well. They were completely broke so I took them in (couldn't see them living on the streets with the kids)

 

Well to make a very long story short, my sister seemed really pissed off at my wedding last year, never could figure out why, it was said that she thought our marriage was a joke, but she never had the balls to say it to me. Anyway other family members who were mad at my sis, decided to tell me that my sis was mad at the wedding because she had an affair with my hubby when she was living with us (which is where the 5 years comes in) I lost it, I was so mad I could have spit fire, I questioned my hubby about it and he says he swears nothing happened, but when I spoke (ok yelled) at my sister she said it was all true and tried to tell me how sorry she was. Now i'm caught between who do I trust, my sister and I have had problems in the past but I don't know that she would lie about something like this. (Oh I should add that I just found out about this.) I'm also caught in a hard place because I don't know if I should leave my hubby , I really don't know what to do. The thought of him being with my own sister is bad enough, then I think they did it with my kids there, ohh that burns me.

 

I can honestly say that had I known about this before we got married I wouldn't have married him, I have tried to get them in the same room, I figure it would be harder for them to lie to me in front of each other, I have yet to get them together, they completely avoid each other now. Even if we go to a family function (which by the way I am well behaved at considering I would love to beat both of them) They try their hardest not to even look at each other. I feel I am consumed with anger, is this something I can get over?

 

Thanks for the help!

 

this sounds like a Jerry Springer show.

 

and I always thought Jerry's show was fake.

[binturong]

Tell you what, when my ex-BF confessed to me that he had slept with my sister, I literally got sick to my stomach. Luckily for me, he was an ex-BF and I have never spoken to him since. My sister still isn't on my good side. I'm not really angry at her anymore, but I don't think I could ever see her as a real friend, much less a sister. I found out about this almost 7 years ago and it still pisses me off. I don't know if you think you can get over this, and I know your situation is different because you're married with kids. I can tell you that if it were me, cheating would be a deal breaker, whether he had cheated with my sister or with someone else.

[dianemass]

The same thing happened to me and it's pretty much the worst feeling in the world .

[tokyo]

I can´t believe your sister did this after you let her into your home and helped her out! And then instead of trying to apologize and to make up she´s angry and making sneering remarks that you get married. If she had really regretted this, she would have talked with you before you get married to this man who does not respect you at all, that´s how a sister who loves is supposed to do. But I guess, when she is capable of having an affaire with *your* husband in *your* house while she´s depending on *your* help, she probably doesn´t give a lot for your happiness anyway.

 

I absolutely agree with the others on the fact that he hasn´t confronted her with this. This indicates, there is something behind this story. If someone told lies about me, the first thing I would do was grab this person and talk with her instead of letting her go around and ruin my marriage.

 

If I was you, I would leave him. I don´t like the fact that he cheated with your own (!) sister and doesn´t even admit it. Also his history is not clean either. I´m sure you can do this on your own. Don´t care about the family reunions, this is about you, people you trusted obviously abused your trust and your family should understand your position. This is pure egoism if they expect you to keep still in order to protect the peace in the family. They act as if it´s your fault. Damn, it´s not, it´s your husband´s and it´s your sister´s fault. You look like someone who get´s pushed around a lot, even by your own family, but don´t put up with this crap.

 

Good luck

[evagreten]

There is only one solution - leave, leave, leave, leave...what is there to talk about? Your husband slept with your sister. That sentence says it all...

[heckno]

Well, you pose two questions.

 

Did your hubby cheat with your sister? yes, without a doubt. You know it. He knows it. That's why he didn't get furious when presented with this information.

 

If my husband came to me, and told me his brother said that we had an affair, i would be LIVID. I'd want to kill him or burn the house down. He'd be lying and in the process possibly ruining the only good thing in my life, my marriage and my family life. You can rest assured anyone accused of such false hood would react in a way that would NOT be AVOIDANCE! It would be confrontational on SOME level.

 

Yours husbands actions AND reactions prove him guilty. So does his past. So does your sister past. If it walks like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like one..then lady, it's a duck.

 

Your next question.. can you get over this. Sure, you can with time. You can grow from it, if you're one of those people who likes to learn from lifes experiences.. this will be a great one to learn from. It will teach you a lot about yourself, and your marriage.

 

This also means, can you get over it just this one time. Can you deal with it again? And again? and again? Can you continually get over this type of anguish in your marriage?

 

I agree with what one poster said. Your husband shows no remorse. Therefore, he'll no make efforts to reconcile and identify what happened, and why. So, as you'll deal with this issue and learn from it.. he wont. That means, he'll probably do it again unless he takes the proper steps to fix what happened and fix it from happening AGAIN and AGAIN.

 

Apparently, he doesn't care to fix it? I mean, he did wrong, but he's not asking for advice. You are. You were done wrong, and you're left to deal with this problem all alone. How wrong is that? It's a marriage, a union. If you're going to make it work, and get through this, you two MUST do it together.

 

If not, can you "get over" being in a marriage all alone? Dealing with a man who's unfaithful and doesn't care to fix the crack in the foundation? yeah.. it does sound like a Jerry Springer episode, but it doesn't have to end like one.

 

Do what is right, and expect the same from him.