No contact

[Zahara]

I need to think that the next woman I'll be with has the same music taste, loves going out, walks, food, banter, laughs but won't come with the anger.

 

If she doesn't message me on my birthday next week, then i know she is a waste of space and I should waste any more time thinking about her.

 

She's not one woman on the face of this planet that will have the same interests as you do. Interests is one thing, but values is another pre-requisite and of much more importance than the superficial music, walks, food and banter.

 

If she doesn't message you on your birthday, then she is a waste of space and you should waste no more time thinking of her? Sadly, with that statement, you should just go ahead and contact her because whether she messages you or not, the fact remains she treated you like a piece of shytt and that does not matter to you.

[Steve11]

Haha that's some straight talking. You are right, I was nervous about saying things or doing things because of how she would react. Walking on eggshells springs to mind.

 

Thing is, she could make me laugh!

 

Tomorrow will be day 5 of no contact. Think this is the longest I've gone. She won't know what's happening in my life or who I'm with. I think deep down she'll miss me chasing her or showing her attention.

 

Can I ask, what brought you here?

[Zahara]

Ah, a monkey on a tricycle can make me laugh. There's much more to a great partner than someone who's funny.

 

I'm sure she'll miss the attention and being chased, and I am sure she'll break contact because of that. But who wants to be missed because we're not chasing or giving them attention. I want to be missed for all the right reasons.

 

I was in a relationship with a guy that just fell off the face of the earth one day. Come to find out he was dating while with me. Good riddance.

[Steve11]

Ah, sorry to hear that! I expect it made you stronger for it?

 

She won't message. But, I won't message her. It's just gonna make me look needy and desperate. Silence speaks volumes.

 

She's a toilet but at the moment my heads still in the bowl!

[Zahara]

Ah, sorry to hear that! I expect it made you stronger for it?

 

She won't message. But, I won't message her. It's just gonna make me look needy and desperate. Silence speaks volumes.

 

She's a toilet but at the moment my heads still in the bowl!

 

Every bad experience makes it for the better, at least if the lesson is learned.

 

In time you'll realize it stinks and come up for air. Hope it happens soon!

[Steve11]

I get urges to contact her! It's like a drug! I need my fix!

[Zahara]

Exactly, it's just a fix. Like a druggie, you have to overcome and detox the crap out of your system to get clean.

[Steve11]

I'm really ****ing weak tho!

[Zahara]

You're not weak. Just emotional and that will wear you down. We've all been through this, so have I. You're no exception.

 

What works with staying NC strong is 1) accepting that it's over 2) accepting that you cannot and do not want to be hurt by this person again 3) done with the abuse 4) accepting that there will be no change 5) finally want better for yourself. While you'll feel "weak", the pain of NC will be a lot more manageable than going back to the same old crap and abuse. That's a realization you need your brain to hold on to.

[Ashlaria]

Hey Steve,

 

I know exactly how you feel. It's been 8 days for me and its awful. The thing that gets me through is this: what if I called him and told him how miserable I am and agreed whatever terms he set to get back together. Firstly he would lose any respect he has for me, his behaviour would get worse because he would realise I am so weak he can get away with anything and let me tell you, his behaviour has never been good!

 

Then when we inevitably split again, I will have to start over. And this 8 days of complete misery will have to be lived through again.

 

You're doing really well. Don't lose sight of that.

 

Good luck fella

[Steve11]

My heads messed up.

 

I know all the advice I've been given is sound and I should be using it as gospel.

 

But, I'm going to run myself into more misery.

[Zahara]

Running yourself into more misery will happen when you make contact.

 

You have a pain that needs soothing. You want to contact to rid that pain. It won't because 1, 2, 3, 7 days from breaking NC, you'll be right back where you are. Looking for a fix again.

 

This pain you feel will go away. But go back to your threads, months and months of threads and what happened. The pain and abuse never went away.

 

You'll break NC, I have a feeling. Sometimes when a dog gets kicked long enough, he finally learns to stay away. You may just have to learn the very hard way.

[Ashlaria]

You know Steve, I think sometimes we have to do that to get out the other side. I had an affair for 2 and a half years. Everyday he promised to leave and come home to me. He cheated with another girl, 5 months in. He had a relationship with his second baby mama for 8 months, all the time telling me he was just seeing his son. I would drive him to her house and go and wait for him to finish 'visiting his son' and then pick him up. He treated me so callously, he was so selfish it's shocking.

 

Each time I caught him out he'd lie and lie until he had to admit it. He tried to finish it a month ago, because it 'wasnt fair on me to wait any more' after finding out his gf was pregnant again. Of course he always swore they weren't having sex.

 

So you would think all of that is more than enough and I should have kicked him to the kerb months if not years ago. But I couldn't find the strength. That pregnancy and the way he has lied has finally given me the strength.

 

Maybe you're not ready to give up yet. Maybe you haven't hit rock bottom with her and you need to get there before you can really let go, my advice would be to call it quits now and save yourself the pain, but you know, we are all different.

 

Take care of yourself, whatever you decide

[Steve11]

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It's pretty ****ty!

 

I've hit rock bottom and there's no going back. That's what in trying to come to terms with. Knowing that this is it and I've actually gotta let go now. It's the letting go that I'm finding so difficult.

 

Zahara, you're right. I don't know what would be different. I keep thinking that she has seen the error of her ways with me and will change. I've told her how I feel and she has told me its over. Why I can't listen and face it, I do not know.

[Zahara]

Zahara, you're right. I don't know what would be different. I keep thinking that she has seen the error of her ways with me and will change. I've told her how I feel and she has told me its over. Why I can't listen and face it, I do not know.

 

Oh, I thought she would see the error of her ways with the next guy? Which is it Steve? Does she change with you or next guy? If change were to ever come, it won't take weeks for her to get there. By the time that happens, you'll be long gone, living life.

 

You can't listen and face it because you are emotional and you are attached. Anytime you are attached to someone or something, it takes time to sever that attachment. It becomes a habit, a dependence, an addiction. And I said this to you before, these types of relationships are even harder to detach from because you can't tie up loose ends and move on. Too much confusion, toxicity, pain, etc. You're left picking up pieces that make no sense.

 

You're only 3 days NC. I tell you again, don't be so hard on yourself because it is going to take weeks/months before you really come to terms with moving on and dealing with your pain. Feeling bad is normal, it doesn't mean defeat and hopelessness.

[jesse93]

hey man, just want you to know i'm going through the same thing and feeling the same pains you are, its hard knowing that someone you love is gone its hard to come to the reality its hard to know that they could be moving on faster than you and healing quicker than you, but its not about them anymore this is about you and thats all you need to pick your feet up and keep fighting, it has been 4 days NC for me also and I have deleted her numbers and blocked her on all social networks and such yet i still left a way she was able to contact me just incase she does, every time i hear the phone vibrate i hope its her but at the same time i'd hate to have her message me because i would be torn and i would feel like i had to respond. i also can't delete her pictures for some reason... i want to so bad but i just cant theres SO many memories and idk if i can let go of them yet.

 

But i don't want to make this about me, i just want you to know you're not the only one struggling right now and you can tackle this mornings and nights right before bed are for sure the worst for me, i always wake up with only 5 hours or less of sleep and im having panic attacks wanting to message her so bad, but i know i can't anyway just stay strong and try distracting yourself talk to a friend who will be able to make you laugh, i've been talking to a few of my friends recently and it is amazing how much it takes your mind off your ex for a while.

[Steve11]

Thank you. Mornings are defently the worst. I dreamt about her last night, then woke up at 5am, couldn't get back to sleep because all i can do is think about her.

 

Today is day 5 of NC & it's gonna take alot today to not break it.

[TaraMaiden]

No, it's not.

You've made it this far. It's only going to be as hard to not break it, as it was yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that....

You're doing fine.

Jeesh, it's really early days - you're doing a lot better than 'fine' - !!

[Steve11]

I don't know why I punish myself so much. She's told me already that she's done. I really shouldn't, but I still miss her. I need a good slap.

 

Why I still love her, god knows. So difficult.

[TaraMaiden]

Because emotions can't be turned on and off like the cold-tap.

 

Emotions are valid, reasonable, right and we should honour and validate them.

But we shouldn't over-work them and labour them.

 

You love her.

And that's fine.

What's more important is that you love yourself to the same degree, and validate your self-worth.

You have to count your heart and emotions, as being of equal standing and worth.

 

In other words, you have to value yourself, as much - if not more - than you did her.

Because if you don't, nobody else will.

You have to realise your own importance in your life - and accept that you deserve the love and consideration for yourself, that you're currently dispensing on her.

[Steve11]

With the way the relationship played out & I know I got angry and dismissive at times, but I think she might have BPD.

 

Is that wrong for me to say that? I don't want to make excuses for the actions of the relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

it's wrong in the sense that you're trying to rationalise someone else's behaviour inb order to justify their actions.

Any excuse for her 'bad' actions, makes her seem better in your eyes, and therefore allays your feelings of resentment.

 

"Aw, the poor thing.... she couldn't hep it really, it's just the way her mentality is wired...."

 

That's BS.

 

One, you're in no position to be able to accurately 'diagnose' any kind of mental condition, and two, sometimes people are just plain nasty.

Looking for justifiable reasons for their erratic behaviour is really no excuse for their behaviour.

 

She was a bitch.

 

Own that, accept it, and let it be.

[Steve11]

I don't know why I can grow a set and just tell myself that she's a bitch.

 

I want to text her. Mad I know.

[Steve11]

Well, she's texted.

 

Talking about the program we used to watch and telling me to listen to a song followed by loads of kisses

[Zahara]

I told you she'll text. She has to see if she still has her hands firmly grasping your balls.

 

I am pretty sure you'll text back, yah?