Wtf????

[Lonestar]

Last I posted things were better with me and my X. We made up from the last fight and he's been much more affectionate since then... until last night. It all stopped again. We hadn't seen each other for a couple days and he came over last night. He hasn't been feeling well, so I made him something to eat, gave medicine,etc. I got no hug when he walked in the door, he just took the remote from me and turned the game on. Keep in mind that he does all of this in a "joking" fashion, as to excuse his behaviour. Made a comment about me shutting up (as a joke again), and when he went to hug me later, it felt like he was a kid forced to hug his smelly grandma.

 

He kept talking to me in a tone that seemed like he was annoyed with having to deal with me. Finally I asked him to stop talking to me like that, and that he was hurting my feelings (remember he thinks he's joking and not doing anything wrong or that it's "cute" or something). He said he wasn't doing anything. After that I told him if he was so miserable that maybe he should go home. Eventually he did, but not soon enough for me.

 

He finally calls me today around lunch time and never bothered to apologize for the way he was. I didn't say a word about it, because I'm tired of feeling like the nag. He then asked me to lunch, which almost floored me, but this was the most strained lunch I've ever had with anyone. Besides the fact that he doesn't have much to say, it was like he was so uncomfortable with me. I started running my foot up the bottom of his leg, and he said (in his joking manner again) that he was in work mode and can't get all turned on right now.

 

I was only trying to show a little affection. I didn't get pissed, smiled, and said okay, we'll stay business like. He drove me back and didn't bother to kiss or hug me goodbye. I said goodbye and got out. So...WTF?

 

Normally I would get pissed, but I wanted to see how he would handle it if I didn't react at all to his lack of the fact that I'm a person with needs. Idiot. What do I do now? Is this ridiculous or what? Why is he going back and forth with intimacy?

[Jilly10340]

That is ridiculous. I mean, when me and my bf fight we can still say I love you and stuff, but you guys aren't even fighting. The whole on and off thing is weird. I give you props though for playing the whole day through just to see what he would do.

 

You could always just tell him that he could stand to be more affectionate with you. Look, if you want affection and he doesn't want to give it to you then go out and find someone who will give it to you. You deserve to have what you want and not be walked all over by some remote-hogging, Mr. business man.

 

How long have you guys been together? Is he always this way?

[Lonestar]

We just got back together after being divorced for two years, and our marriage only lasted two years. He was like this at the end of our marriage, but very affectionate at the beginning.

 

I already did ask him to be more affectionate with me. That was in another post from last week, and that's what our fight was about. He changed for a whole three days, Yippeeee.

 

He told me that he can't be nice to me when I tell him or ask him to be. He claims he feels pressured. It's more than ridiculous.

 

I have plans fot the night that don't include him, and yes, I'm starting to wonder why I'm wasting my time on this second chance with him. I love him is one reason, but that reason isn't holding up anymore.

[SadAndLonely]

Last week or whenever it was you said you were going to back off for a bit, but as soon as he started showing you some affection again you jumped right back into it. The fact that he treated you like crap even though you were making him food and letting him watch TV and then rubbing his leg with your foot is testament to that. It's screaming, "She'll put up with my crap and still be affectionate." Don't give him that signal. You don't have to give up on him, but you need to stop playing so nice and coming back so quickly. REALLY take some time this time. Don't be so available. Don't melt when he shows some sweetness. Be somewhat aloof (but friendly and carefree, sort of like you are with a new friend) and mysterious. Turn him down once or twice a week. Don't always take his calls. It sounds like a bunch of game playing, but it's almost necessary in order to correct this bad behavior of this and then the over-forgiving behavior of yours.

[Lonestar]

but really, how long will the change in him last the next time around? Do I have to play aloof forever in order to curb his behavior? Ya know what I mean?

 

I can't play that way. I'm an affectionate and loving person. He's not doing anything wrong if he's just not an affectionate person by nature. That I can understand, although he can be affectionate when he wants to be. But I want to be with a guy who will adore me as much as I adore him. What's so damn wrong with that?

 

I love my X, but no matter how much I tell him what I need, he can't deliver. He was trying today to make up for being a jerk last night by taking me to lunch. He's trying to do things with me, but it all takes way too much effort on his part to be natural. Why is he trying so hard to do something that makes him uncomfortable? I'll try to answer that myself... I suppose it's because he really doesn't want to lose me, but he has way too many issues that block intimacy, so when he puts a foot forward, he holds back at the same time.

 

I'm going to try to back off again, because there's no point in bringing the topic up to deaf ears. Then again, there are many moments in the day I want to dump HIM this time around.

[Weird]

Agreed...you need to back off and show him you aren't going to put up with how he treats you.

 

I can see how he may get annoyed if you keep bitching at him to do this or say that and will refuse to do it. If it were me though I'd just give in and do it so I wouldn't have to keep hearing you bitching and moaning. hehe j/k

 

Seriously, I hope you back off from the whole relationship and make him see you aren't going to put up with it...and if he can't change his ways that satisfy your wishes then you are just going to have to realize you two aren't meant to be together. You can't force him to act a certain way or force him to change to be the way you want him to be. Only he can decide if he wants to do that for you.

[lost_in_chgo]

hmmmm, you didn't say if you asked him what was wrong...

I'd be pissed if I was upset about work and my girl was too self centered to give a damn and never even asked me what was wrong. Just made constant demands about my behavior.

 

If you can't communicate with each other it's time to call it off. Don't make up a whole bunch of rules and regs, don't make up a whole bunch of theories. Just ask him what's wrong and make it clear that the two of you need to talk things out. Don't corner him, just ask him.

 

Sounds to me like you are trying to control him and he's tired of it. He's not a trained monkey.

Or maybe he found someone else and is being passive agressive.

 

 

Read this:

 

http://marriage.about.com/cs/disillusionment/a/surrendering.htm

[Lonestar]

you have no idea what you're talking about. I did ask him what was wrong, and I'm far from selfish when it come to my X.

 

Why don't you NOT respond to my posts unless you plan on reading everything, because I really don't feel like being touched by your complete misery. You jump to conclusions and then judge. It's obnoxious as hell.

 

Go MF the world in your own thread. Thanks

[tokyo]

I personally think he is on his way out..... sorry to say that.

[lost_in_chgo]

I did read everything , maybe not every post you've ever made to this site, but certainly what you posted in this thread.

 

I didn't jump to any conclusions, I asked you if you asked him. Because that first post certainly reads of me-me-me as if he wasn't there for anything but to react to your actions and desires. So my response reflects that. Maybe it's right and maybe it's wrong.

 

If it's wrong, then that's great. But demanding compliance from someone is a sure way to drive them away. And your post to me reads exactly the same way. "Do what I want or go away."

 

So my point is, if you are giving me that impression, maybe you are giving him that impression???

Whether you mean to or not. If he feels that way, then the damage is done. I guess, whether you intended to do so is really irrelevant.

 

You have a problem with him that you are here trying to resolve.

Certainly you can disagree with me, but perhaps you should at least consider that you might be triggering his reaction in some way.

[Weird]

Got to back lost_in_chgo on this...

 

He merely asked you if you asked the guy how his day was and then made the rest of his post based on the chance you didn't and gave you a reason why the guy may be acting the way he is.

 

To be honest, I sorta got the "me me me" impression from the original post but having followed your situation and discussed stuff with you I just figured you had asked him how his day was, showed a concern for stuff with him and all that jazz. I knwo you aren't that selfish when it comes to him and you jsut want a loving relationship wiht the guy and he right now does not seem to want to give it.

[bluechocolate]

I don't know Lonestar - you're going to have up days & down days & so is he. Sounds like he was on a down day.

 

As for the affection - you're both going to have to keep working on it. He's not going to change over night.

 

He was trying today to make up for being a jerk last night by taking me to lunch. He's trying to do things with me, but it all takes way too much effort on his part to be natural. Why is he trying so hard to do something that makes him uncomfortable? I'll try to answer that myself... I suppose it's because he really doesn't want to lose me, but he has way too many issues that block intimacy, so when he puts a foot forward, he holds back at the same time.

 

I suspect that is very close to the truth.

 

And I suspect the question you're struggling with is - is it worth the battle?

 

You say that it takes way too much effort on his part to be natural - I guess because it's not natural for him. But at least he's making the effort & that has to be one foot in the right direction.

 

btw - when are you planning to go to NY?

[Lonestar]

blue, don't know if we're going to NY. I've decided to take a break from him.

 

I can see how lost might see that's it's all mememe, because when I post here, I am concerned about MY feelings. That's why I'm posting here and my X isn't.

 

For the record, I'm not demanding anything from him. I'm always concerned about him, I've given him everything I have, I try not to judge him, I let things go, I try to be patient, but I still come off here as selfish when his actions finally piss me off. There's so much about his behavour that I don't post. When do I get the same respect and love I've been giving him? huh? or maybe I am a selfish bitch for wanting to be treated like I matter and that I'm loved. Everything is perfectly fine for X when it's all about sex from 10pm to midnight behind closed doors five nights a week. If I ask for more romantically or emotionally, I'm selfish? Oh wait, asking is the same as demanding and controlling. I forgot.

 

I'm so upset right now, and really wasn't in the mood to hear this, but if some of you feel the need to point it out, then so be it. I feel I've been making the mistake of giving too much, and that he's taking advantage of me. That's exactly what happened with us in the past, but not only did he take advantage of that, he became emotionally abusive.

 

Yes, blue, the question I'm dealing with now it just that - is it all worth it?

And I'm having a down day

[Lonestar]

And I just read my first post again. What is so me me me about that post? I'm talking about how he's talking to me like crap, and yet I'm there cooking him dinner. He's paying no attention to me over lunch, and I'm running my foot up his leg. Then he tells me to stop, so I listen.

 

Where is the me me me in that people?

 

I'm selfish because it hurts and I posted for some understanding?????

 

[bluechocolate]

Yes, blue, the question I'm dealing with now it just that - is it all worth it?

 

Whatever decision you come to at least you'll know that you tried.

 

A+ for effort - for what it's worth.

 

And I'm having a down day.

 

Sorry to hear that.

[Confused28]

hi lone star,

 

i think that all you can do is put the best into the relationship that you can, and see what happens. if it works great, if not, i think you will know that it just isn't going to work. and that you got divored for a reason. but, maybe it will work. i think he is just holding back his emotions because he is scared. he has a wall up.

 

i understand what you are saying when he makes fun of you, but it is okay because he is just "joking". i was with someone like that too (Seems like i have been with every kind). But it was not okay, he was hurting me and that was what mattered. Calmly tell him how you feel. if he cares he will admit to himself that his intentions are not right and he will stop.

 

Confused 28 :-)

[SadAndLonely]

From what I've seen of your posts, you rub his leg regardless of how he treats you, give him sex regardless of how he treats you, and cook him dinner regardless of how he treats you. Part of me says that he's entitled to his bad days and you shouldn't take it personally, and part of me says that you're encouraging his bad behavior. Not to compare you to a dog, but it almost reminds me of a dog and how they usually love their "master" no matter what happens, and how the dog is happy with the occasional bone being throne.

[Weird]

how can people spend 2 hours a night on sex. That would bore the hell out of me. There are so many more productive things I could do with that time but hey, that is just me. hehe sorry for taking it off topic.

 

Lonestar,

 

I know you mean well and I really do hope this guy starts to treat you better so you won't feel so stressed.

[MelodyJ]

Lonestar

I read your posts and I did'nt see me me me in them either, but what do I know, I'm a gloating, gutless witch!

 

I do see someone who is trying hard not to just throw in the towel before exploring every opportunity. And though he was not feeling well, I don't recall lack of appreciation being a symptom of the common cold. You were trying to make him feel better, which we all want when we are sick, to be taken care of, and it sounds like he almost felt like he deserved it, not that you were going out of your way to be nice. I do applaud you for hanging in there, and you will figure it out eventually, whether it be good or bad. I wish you luck, I can hear your hurt and I am sorry.

 

I did realize though, as a newbie to this site, there are alot of people with similar experiences, and if you read enough posts, you will see one or more of your own troubles in someone elses, and the answers are pretty much already there.

 

You will also see that both sexes have so many isssues, it makes me wonder why we bother. I am at the point where I think I hate men, I am going to concentrate on myself.

M

[Lonestar]

Thank you all for the last five posts. I really do appreciate the support and constructive criticism.

 

SadandLonely, you are right to some degree, although that pattern was much more severe in the past. I've kept a lid on what I do for him this time around, but you "are" seeing me begin to repeat the reward of his bad behavior. Thanks for pointing that out. I began to notice it also and it's why I haven't spoken to him since yesterday afternoon. I told him that I deserved to be treated better and he balked, so I vanished. Maybe he'll realize what he's losing, maybe not. Dunno. Maybe he doesn't need another dog.

 

blue, you always have solid, rational, and caring advice, and you've been a big support to me, but ya know... I've still no idea if you're male or female. I've been trying to figure that out. LOL

 

Confused28, I did tell him how it was making me feel, and he paid no attention, kept doing it. That really pissed me off. Maybe I just need to start saying mean things to him while I'm smiling and laughing, eh? My personal belief is that if he has a wall up then we shouldn't be back together. He didn't want me dating other men anymore, so we got serious. If he can't treat me the way a lover should, then why the hell are we exclusive? Because he can't stand me dating other men that might treat me better and take me away? If he wasn't ready to swim, he shouldn't have dove in the water.

 

Ms. M, your post was like a big hug from a friend. Thanks for seeing the whole picture and relating to what I had to say. I felt "understood."

 

Weird, you know you're one of my LoveShack buddies. You can bust my chops anytime. As far as the sex, well, two hours is easy. Try viagra once in awhile. I highly recommend it for fun.

[lost_in_chgo]

OK.....

 

I can see how lost might see that's it's all mememe, because when I post here, I am concerned about MY feelings. That's why I'm posting here and my X isn't.

 

Good, that's expected. Nothing wrong with it..

 

but I still come off here as selfish when his actions finally piss me off. There's so much about his behavour that I don't post.

 

Ok, but remember we don't see it if you don't post it. Also please consider that I am responding to this thread not the culmination of all of your previous posts that I haven't read. So it's probably a difference in contexts.

 

or maybe I am a selfish bitch for wanting to be treated like I matter and that I'm loved.

 

Not saying that. You deserve to be treated well. No one is asking you to setlle for less.

 

 

If I ask for more romantically or emotionally, I'm selfish? Oh wait, asking is the same as demanding and controlling. I forgot.

 

ooo sarcasmm...gotta love it...

But listen, if you aren't getting what you want all you can do is ask for it. Demands will get you nowhere. But this isn't about what you are doing so much as how he is perceiving what you are doing. Guys hate being controlled. If you come across that way, he will rebel. Intent is irrelevant.

 

I feel I've been making the mistake of giving too much

So stop. Give what you get until you get what you want.

It can be hard to get thru to some people, but establishing a dialog on this stuff with him and getting an honest conversation going might help, though it may be difficult to do.

 

and I just read my first post again. What is so me me me about that post?

ok, i'm going to go back and try to identify what made me think that.... hold on a sec....

 

ok...first off...I probably am carrying some of my own baggage into this because we all perceive things based on our experience. But here's how I took things:

 

Last I posted things were better with me and my X. We made up from the last fight and he's been much more affectionate since then... until last night

That sounded like you were dissatisfied and set guidelines for him and he was obeying. until last night and now you are mad that he is no longer obeying.

 

I got no hug when he walked in the door, he just took the remote from me and turned the game on.

That's about you. Nothing about why he was upset.

 

Keep in mind that he does all of this in a "joking" fashion, as to excuse his behaviour.

Made a comment about me shutting up (as a joke again),

His joking is probably his way of trying to make up for being rude/mean without actually apologizing. Don't let him get away with that because it will escalate into more abusive comments like you referred to elsewhere. He is probably upset, but maybe it isn't about you. He probably just doesn't have the ability to switch it on and off, so when he is upset it pours out on everyone.

 

and when he went to hug me later, it felt like he was a kid forced to hug his smelly grandma.

This reads like he didn't follow proper established guidelines when hugging.

 

He kept talking to me in a tone that seemed like he was annoyed with having to deal with me.

Maybe he *was* annoyed. Maybe at you maybe not. Not everyone directs their emotions in the right direction all the time. It might not have been about you.

 

Finally I asked him to stop talking to me like that, and that he was hurting my feelings (remember he thinks he's joking and not doing anything wrong or that it's "cute" or something). He said he wasn't doing anything. After that I told him if he was so miserable that maybe he should go home. Eventually he did, but not soon enough for me.

Good that you shut him down. But, you didn't accomplish anything. He was still mad and every second you spent with him after that just aggravated him.

 

I've felt exactly like this myself. But I'm not sure why. ok, and depression can do this too. Now this will sound weird, but when I started taking omega-3's this kind of stuff just stopped. So did the depression stuff. Chemical imbalance? No drugs required, just take fish oil tablets or eat more fish.

 

So I do know that my behavior destroyed a long term relationship I was in at the time. I just could not open up enough to discuss things with her. My reason, in retrospect, was that she had left me for a former lover early on in therelationship, and even though she eventually returned to me, I never really trusted her again. In retrospect, I should've been happy that she came back. But at the time I wasn't able to handle that. Perhaps the time apart is what gave me the perspective. Maybe if she had just asked me what was wrong when I was acting that way. And continued to ask me to talk about it I might have, but she didn't and I didn't.

 

I've also had times where I just needed to think about things before I could verbalize them and been pushed and pushed for an answer that I wasn't yet able to give until it just got to be a big fight.

 

It's kinda tough because when you get backed into a corner the tendency is to lash out. So maybe the best way is to ask what's wrong. Then say, well if you feel like talking about it, I'll listen and then just back off and wait.

 

He finally calls me today around lunch time and never bothered to apologize for the way he was.

Again, sounded like failure to follow written guidelines.

 

Besides the fact that he doesn't have much to say, it was like he was so uncomfortable with me.

Maybe he didn't feel like talking? Demands for forced performance can be really irritating. Many gyuys don't like to talk about their feelings and being pressure to talk can be exceedingly irritating.

 

I started running my foot up the bottom of his leg, and he said (in his joking manner again) that he was in work mode and can't get all turned on right now.

dunno about this. Sounded kinda manipulative. But I don't get his work comment.

 

I was only trying to show a little affection. I didn't get pissed, smiled, and said okay, we'll stay business like.

That sounds bitter.

 

He drove me back and didn't bother to kiss or hug me goodbye.

Sounds like violation of written guidelines.

 

OK, you don't mean to sound that way. And I wasn't there. But with all of this lumped together it just sounds like you have in your mind how he is supposed to react to specific things that you do. When he doesn't follow the script, you get upset. That's the demanding part.

 

Maybe he has his own script and you aren't following it either. You have to get together and work on a new script together or you will be working separately.

 

As an aside here, my ex, while we were in the middle of a conversation about a work problem, right in the middle of me trying to deliver a response to a point she made, slides over in my truck and tries to distract me by making out. I pushed her back because I thought it was important that we finish the conversation. I said, "don't do that, this is important. We have to talk about this" She gets terribly offended. 2 months later when she breaks up with me, that's one of her top 3 reasons. I pushed her away in the truck. geez. That's some self centered stuff. Honestly, that's arecipe for disaster, no one is ever going to live up to an expectation like that.

 

Normally I would get pissed, but I wanted to see how he would handle it if I didn't react at all to his lack of the fact that I'm a person with needs.

That's clearly MeMeMe. His needs and whatever was bothering him don't seem to have entered your mind at all. It sounds like he is very upset about something thru all of this. Did you ever find out what that was?

 

 

You aren't making formal demands, but it sounds demanding.

When you lash out at anyone that disagrees with you it follows the same pattern.

 

Maybe this particular night wasn' t quite the way you or I describe it. But if this is a regular mode of dealing with his behavior, it sure would start to aggravate.

 

So that's how this strikes me.

You didn't mean any of it that way. But if I take it that way and someone else took it that way, maybe he did too.

 

We aren't putting it all on you. Or on him.

[Weird]

Weird, you know you're one of my LoveShack buddies. You can bust my chops anytime. As far as the sex, well, two hours is easy. Try viagra once in awhile. I highly recommend it for fun.

 

Um, no. I am sure I could spend 2 hours a night humping a few times (still young so my junk is always ready to go when need be) but I wouldn't want to. So many other things I can do as a human that other animals can't. Any animal can hump. Only we can do certain cool things and that is what I would rather do.

 

hehe sorry.

 

 

As for Lonestar being selfish...trust me people, she isn't. She has done a lot for this guy and if anything, he should be kissing her shoes for giving him a 2nd chance. She puts so much into that relationship and it'd be nice if this guy could show her more love every day...when he is viagara-less. The viagara comment makes me think of Samantha on sex & the city when she banged that guy using it.

[bluechocolate]

blue, you always have solid, rational, and caring advice, and you've been a big support to me, but ya know... I've still no idea if you're male or female. I've been trying to figure that out. LOL

 

 

I know you're feeling down right now - but thank you for the laugh !!

 

( btw - last time I checked my reproductive bits were hanging on the outside )

 

I was saving this for another one of those joke threads, but who cares? here's a laugh for you:

 

---------------------------------------------------

 

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

 

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."

 

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating." Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

 

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please be quiet?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

 

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "For goodness sake, keep quiet!!!"

 

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

 

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY WON'T YOU PLEASE KEEP QUIET" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

 

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."

[miggsbucks]

Hey Lonestar!!

 

Youve started a post all of your own! Remember me.. jumping in asking stupid questions about you never seeing your daughter for 2 years (you were with her all the time!!) back in July, and telling you to start your own post... etc etc..

 

Well, I've just read your posts a little bit under the influence, I thought you were a teeny weeny bit nasty towards Lostinchicago, but I also thought that his post was nice because he took the time.. stop kicking off will ya!! But hey dont!! thats you and you cant change YOU just like you cant change your lover.

 

It sounds like you and your partner have the sort of relationship most of us that post here would die for. I really think that as long as you guys are together and that there is no serious threat that you will split, that you should just carry on taking the rough with the smooth.

 

I'll post again when i'm a bit more coherent... now.. where's dreamguy lol, lets catch up with him. I came on here to see how Lost was getting on, but got sidetracked by you. Thought you'd f****d this site off. I must post about myself too maybe some time!!