new here. need guidance.

[DawnR]

This is going to take a wall to explain... but please hear me out, cause I am in a situation where I need some serious advice concerning my marriage.

 

A little preview of where I am in my life right now.... I am a stay at home mom, 3 kids, ages 4, 5, & 9. I am miserable. I love my kids. I wouldnt trade them for anything in the world. I love my husband. But we have our share of problems. Lately, probably the past 6 months to a year... I have felt less and less appreciated. BY EVERYONE. I understand the kids have to be taught respect and appreciation of me and anyone. they are kids afterall. But know it is stressful for me. My husband on the other hand. I love him. I always have. My passion for him is the same as it always has been. (although sex is not the same. I want it, I want it to be the same, I am still attracted to him, and him to me I believe... but with the kids - at the end of the day... I am about to pass out from exhaustion, its like he doesnt understand that. even though I have tried and tried to make him see what I am dealing with) My concern for him is the same... I want him to be happy. I want to be married to him. He is a great person. He is a great dad. He is intelligent. He is a hard worker. I could go on and on about things that I love about him. He genuinely in a good person. BUT... like everyone... he has flaws. We all do though. The one complaint I have is huge to me. Maybe I am overreacting. I need to know if I am.

 

He is incredibly unappreciative of me. Not necessarily disrespectful, but unappreciative. I do not think he knows what all I am responsible for concerning the kids and everything I have to deal with. I cook at home everynight. I make his lunch to take to work. I make lunch and breakfast for the kids daily. There is not a meal I make(that he eats) that he doesnt have some sort of complain about! Other people have told me I am a great cook (not to sound proud)... but enough people have told me that I do not believe I am a BAD COOK. He always points things out though that are not GOOD ENOUGH with the meal. I make the kids sit at the dining table... and I sit with them. He though, takes his food to the livingroom where the TV is. (he is such a great person in all aspects, but this just drives me crazy!!!!) I feel like he should appreciate my efforts cooking and sit with us at the table. I know he is tired, but what is 30 minutes in the whole scheme of things? Even if something I cook isnt the way he likes it... or if I didnt make something he wants. He should eat it, or not eat it... and not mention it. It is hurtful. PLUS, it is teaching my kids to be unappreciative of me. He will also make comments like... "When are you going to do some laundry?" Its not like I am sitting in front of the tv all day... I didnt get to it because I make 3 meals a day, plus his lunch for work. I have a 4 year old boy who is half boy half speedracer, who starts at 6am and doesnt even start to wind down till 10pm. I am so physically tired, it is starting to weigh on me emotionally. I am afraid that our marriage is what is ultimately going to suffer... I can already see signs of it. He is such a good person, and I do not want these comments that he obviously should not be making ruin something that has always been so wonderful... just because we are both TIRED plain and simple. Its like he is saying things out of anger.

 

He is the only one who works. He doesn't make a ton of money but we do okay. We maintain a strict budget because of this. There are a couple months a year it seems we barely survive, but we always manage. We are not on state assistance or anything like that, but money is strictly tight. I am also a student. I have completed 2 years of college and will get an associates degree in december. I will then transfer to a 4 year college where in 2 years more I will earn my bachelors degree in elementary education.

 

My husband and I are both in our early 30s. We were high school sweethearts. I love our story. But, because we were so young... neither of us had a decent education when we got married. I blame our financial troubles on that. Duh. But, the point is that we are both trying to fix it. As I said earlier I am halfway done with school... and he has completed technical courses earning his Electrician License (I feel I can go to school, because he got that same opportunity)-(I waited for him to go and now it is my turn).

 

My daughter is in gymnastics classes. (I allow her this because it is not her fault we are financially bound). I am also an appointed lead member of our family readiness group for our local National Guard unit. (Hubby is in the guard and was deployed 2 times to Iraq)-(spent approx 3.5 years away from us over the course of the 2 deployments) AND.... I volunteer with our girl scouts. WHEW. Lets just say I AM SOOOOO BUSY ALL THE TIME... SO I AM TIRED ALL THE TIME.

 

I never get to go out. He never takes me out. There was a cookout recently to reunite with family we have not seen in ages and I wanted him to go with me. He really didnt want to go, he said he wanted to spend the day getting caught up on some things at the house... MOWING THE YARD, CLEANING UP. little things like that...(and he did) he has worked overtime for the past two weeks and its rained almost everyday. So the yard had gotten out of hand and things around the house. So, I was ok with that... because he just felt like everything was getting behind. He didnt want to go sit in a lawn chair for 3 hours. He felt like he needed to use his time more wisely. I understand. BUT I , on the other hand, needed to get out of the house. Because I spend SO MUCH TIME with the kids... I crave adult interaction, I need it... because I do not ever have anyone to talk to. My husband is always at work, or busy with things with the guard. (Because of the guard... we only get 3 weekends a month anyways)

 

As you can tell.... it is as if with all of our responsibilities we are constantly going going going. We are both busy busy. We are trying to make our lives better and get out of this financial slump we are in. I feel we both deserve kudos for that- because we could just give up and live on govt assistance like everyone else in this town does. But we refuse to go that route. (Did I mention we are remodeling our house)-(which is sort of on hold for now because of the $).

 

Our marriage is suffering because of all of this responsibility. We never have time for each other. At the end of the day I am about to drop. When we are intimate... I feel like I just lay there... literally exhausted. There are times when I would rather just SLEEP than even look at him. That is not because I am not attracted to him. I do not want to lose our "spark" over these TEMPORARY trying times.

 

 

 

I can not type anymore... but maybe I have conveyed quite a bit in this book I have written and someone can offer up some advice. Please do not suggest a date night. We have clearly thought of that. I can not afford childcare... (which is why I do not work) and we do not really have friends good enough to ask to keep ALL of our kids at the same time - if we did... we would just have to DATE NIGHT at home... because our finances are not in a place where we could go OUT.

 

Also. some advice on the unappreciating me (paragraph 3). I try to make sure he knows that I value that he works and is the only one doing so. He knows that I can not wait to go to work. I am beyond ready to contribute... both of my youngest kids go to school this year and I will be finished with school in 2 years. But the way things are going.... 2 years more of this is going to destroy our marriage.... I am afraid. (sorry about all the typos/grammar, I rushed through... its a lot to type in such a short amount of time!)

[Philosoraptor]

Sounds like you have everything laid out pretty well and are pretty honest with both of your burdens and responsibilites. I think what is needed here is a calm conversation about how you feel and what you need out of this relationship. He may have some needs too that he hasn't expressed, so be sure to ask him to speak to them as well.

[TigerCub]

Hey Dawn,

 

Welcome

 

I was thinking about your situation, and you guys are in a pickle, I mean you have kids (who are time consuming) and you're broke which makes it really difficult to hire help or even go out.

 

So....

 

I was thinking - is there any way you can carve out a part of your home and turn it into a daycare?

Honestly I don't know what kind of licensing is required to run a day care, but you are on your way to getting an elementary school teaching degree and I'm sure if you got a first aid certificate, and then got some daycare certificate (again, don't know what that entails), then you can actually make money while you stay at home with your child.

 

I mean, why not? As you said, you can't work because you can't afford to pay for daycare, so why not make money off the people who can - your son will get peer interaction and you will make extra $ doing what you already do.

 

I know of a few stay at home moms that used the daycare thing as a fallback career and they make a good living. They all had a background in childhood development or being a nanny but I dunno, it could be something worth looking into.

 

- And my other suggestion is with regards to your son who you say starts at 6:00 and goes till 10Pm - my suggestion is enforcing a nap time / bed time schedule.

 

I can only imagine all that you and your husband have to do and I truly commend you for giving it your all and working so hard for your kids.

 

Good luck

[oldshirt]

We went through very similar things over the yearsand it did cause lasting damage to our relationship. The big problem was getting each other to actually "hear" each other and take the appropriate action.

 

For us it took almost a complete breakdown and both of us finally saying we were ready to pack our bags and leaving before we each could really hear what the other was saying.

 

Up untill we both finally realized divorce was a very real and immediate possibility all we could each hear was, " blah blah blah, whine whine whine, moan moan moan, bitch bitch bitch, blah blah blah."

 

Its too bad it often takes that kind of bomb going off before you are each heard but that is very common.

 

Its also common that that bomb isnt even heard untill someone does leave or someone has an affair or untill all sex/romance/intimacy/passion etc has ended for months and months on end and people are just living as roommates and coparents.

 

somehow some way you have to be heard and understood. Realise too that he is probably miserable and needs to be heard too.

 

It may take cutting him off from sex and warmth and affection for six months untill he really listens to you. It may take pa king up the kid an filing separation papers. It may take scheduling an appointment with a counselor and telling him he can either do counseling or separating with joint custody because joint custody would at least give you 3 days a week of not having to deal with him and the kids an you could at least sleep for three days while he deals with getting them fed.

[DawnR]

Thank you for even replying to that mess. LOL I feel better just typing all of that out. If that even makes sense.

 

The thing with TALKING, and having the CALM CONVERSATION... we try. The kids rarely allow that. I am not kidding when I say I would just like a conversation over a meal where I dont have to cut up three steaks before I get to eat my own. haha.

 

As for opening the daycare. We have considered that. I already keep 3 boys 4 days a week, for about 3 hours each of those days. It is for a fairly close friend. But not a close enough relationship that I do it for free. But its not enough income to count on. As for opening the daycare. I think it is a fabulous idea. I would be all for that idea. But as things are going right now... I already feel I am overextended. I know it would bring in a little money-and I am more than happy to do the work involved. But, like I had mentioned previously. I cant even get the laundry caught up. LOL I think the money i might bring in would not be justified by the time its going to take that I already do not have. Does that make sense.

 

There is a fine line between my feeling lazy... and my allowing myself to be TIRED. Being a mom and wife is hard work. You know? I already feel like I am taking away from my husband and myself. I certainly do not want to take away from my kids.

 

This is just "a time of our life" - - - and it will pass. One day I will miss the kids being little. I dread those days wishing I was back here. (Which is another reason I feel sort of guilty) But, in the meantime... while we are surviving this year or two or three.... I dont want our marriage to be what suffers. We are so amazing together. This is probably the worst time we have ever encountered. I do not want him to fall OUT of love with me... and I certainly do not want to fall out of love with him.

 

I try to compensate by working HARDER.... but that always comes back to bite me in the tail... cause after a couple days of that... I crash and burn - and while I am recovering.... guess what... the laundry is piling up... I am dreading the meals I have to make. I want to enjoy cooking for them. I do like to cook. But the monotony is killing us.

[MidwestUSA]

Oh girl, I got tired just reading! You're in college; any chance you could find a responsible young adult who could serve as a part time nanny in exchange for a place to live? Do some of the chores, give you some time to yourself?

Just a thought, as someone else threw the daycare idea out there. Best wishes to you, hugs!

[DawnR]

................... and people are just living as roommates and coparents.

 

somehow some way you have to be heard and understood. Realise too that he is probably miserable and needs to be heard too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

that is exactly it.... "living as coparents"

 

Too, I try to understand he is miserable. I do not think it is with me.... it is with our situation. HOW to survive the next few years. agh.

 

I mean... we brought kids into the situation.. we were young. I get it. But we are doing everything in our power to make it better. Slowly but surely we are succeeding... but again. Our marriage is what is going to suffer. The love that brought those sweet faces into our lives is going to be washed right out from under us... if something doesnt change.

[DawnR]

Oh girl, I got tired just reading! You're in college; any chance you could find a responsible young adult who could serve as a part time nanny in exchange for a place to live? Do some of the chores, give you some time to yourself?

Just a thought, as someone else threw the daycare idea out there. Best wishes to you, hugs!

 

we do not have room for a nanny. We are 5 people. 3 bedrooms. the boys share. daughter has a room and we have a room. one bathroom. If I could afford it.. I would hire a nanny if it was for just an hour 2 days a week so I could walk with grace through the cereal isle at the grocery store... without the kids going psycho LOL

[MidwestUSA]

we do not have room for a nanny. We are 5 people. 3 bedrooms. the boys share. daughter has a room and we have a room. one bathroom. If I could afford it.. I would hire a nanny if it was for just an hour 2 days a week so I could walk with grace through the cereal isle at the grocery store... without the kids going psycho LOL

 

Ah well, it was a thought. I have an urge to track you down and babysit for free, and I'm not even fond of kids, LOL!

[TigerCub]

Thank you for even replying to that mess. LOL I feel better just typing all of that out. If that even makes sense.

 

The thing with TALKING, and having the CALM CONVERSATION... we try. The kids rarely allow that. I am not kidding when I say I would just like a conversation over a meal where I dont have to cut up three steaks before I get to eat my own. haha.

 

As for opening the daycare. We have considered that. I already keep 3 boys 4 days a week, for about 3 hours each of those days. It is for a fairly close friend. But not a close enough relationship that I do it for free. But its not enough income to count on. As for opening the daycare. I think it is a fabulous idea. I would be all for that idea. But as things are going right now... I already feel I am overextended. I know it would bring in a little money-and I am more than happy to do the work involved. But, like I had mentioned previously. I cant even get the laundry caught up. LOL I think the money i might bring in would not be justified by the time its going to take that I already do not have. Does that make sense.

 

It does make sense.

But I do think that if you do end up running a daycare you wouldn't be taking away from your son. He would have friends and activities and the kids I know who's moms have daycares seem to really like that.

 

But that's all I will say on that. I do understand your predicament.

 

As for the part in bold...isn't one of your children 9? (I'm asking cuz it's too late to go back and check that as I type this - Do you think 9 is too young to learn how to do laundry?

I'm really asking, I don't have kids, but i grew up in a house where we learned things (ways to help out) when we were young. Granted, I didn't learn laundry till I was in university, but I think a 9-10 year old can pick it up. To at least help a bit. I dunno, would that be considered child labor? (I'm honestly wondering, cuz I don't think so, but I don't know these things)

 

There is a fine line between my feeling lazy... and my allowing myself to be TIRED. Being a mom and wife is hard work. You know? I already feel like I am taking away from my husband and myself. I certainly do not want to take away from my kids.

This is just "a time of our life" - - - and it will pass. One day I will miss the kids being little. I dread those days wishing I was back here. (Which is another reason I feel sort of guilty) But, in the meantime... while we are surviving this year or two or three.... I dont want our marriage to be what suffers. We are so amazing together. This is probably the worst time we have ever encountered. I do not want him to fall OUT of love with me... and I certainly do not want to fall out of love with him.

 

I try to compensate by working HARDER.... but that always comes back to bite me in the tail... cause after a couple days of that... I crash and burn - and while I am recovering.... guess what... the laundry is piling up... I am dreading the meals I have to make. I want to enjoy cooking for them. I do like to cook. But the monotony is killing us.

 

The part in bold is totally what I thought when I read your initial post.

Children are hard work and running a household and keeping to a limited budget while trying to give your kids the time and energy and resources that you can is hard work.

 

But it will pass.

 

I'm sorry that I don't know what else to suggest to you.

 

I hope that more parents chime in and give you some ideas.

 

**hugs**

[DawnR]

Yes, the oldest one helps me. She actually helps a lot. The 5 year old is getting the hang of small things, like... picking up clutter. The rule is... "a place for everything" you have all heard that old cliche'. I have tried to acknowledge what creates clutter. At one point it was shoes... so we created a system for that. Now everyone contributes to that. So little things help along the way.

 

I do agree that the daycare could help give my son socialization... which would in turn help me. I might try to put myself out there to babysit. Who knows. The least I can do is try. It may actually help. See, my boys both start school in august. Ive considered a part time job too though. My classes are from 1ish to 6 ish. I figure I can work part time during the day. from say 730 after I drop the kids off, until 1230. That is PART TIME. College students do it all the time.... except I am 30! LOL But heck, I dont care. I am just trying to get to where I am going. The quickest best most efficient way possible. :

 

Also, I dont completely NOT contribute to the finances at all. I do little things, that dont amount to much... but everything helps... like consignment sales. There are a few kids sales in my community 2 times a year. I always send the kids old clothes to those. What does not sell there I put on a local facebook page for selling stuff. Ive even sold a few high end things, on ebay... but not a lot of ebaying.

 

But hey, let me tell you.... no advice is bad advice at this point. I am open to anything and everything. I appreciate every single comment.

[cozycottagelg]

It makes me sad that he didn't take you to that damn bbq, it wasn't too much to ask. The lawn couldn't wait? I feel like it's little things like this that help relationships. I know for me, my husband going with me places was such a big deal, because I knew he didn't always want to be there, but he did it, because it was important to me. I just would hate to see you get to the point where you start resenting him because he isn't giving back to you.

 

Hang in there, having young kids is hard and it sounds like you are SO busy!!

[DawnR]

It makes me sad that he didn't take you to that damn bbq, it wasn't too much to ask. The lawn couldn't wait? I feel like it's little things like this that help relationships. I know for me, my husband going with me places was such a big deal, because I knew he didn't always want to be there, but he did it, because it was important to me. I just would hate to see you get to the point where you start resenting him because he isn't giving back to you.

 

Hang in there, having young kids is hard and it sounds like you are SO busy!!

 

yes, it upset me at first. But I tried to see it from his perspective. He is tired too. This particular week also... he had worked overtime. So it was actually more than normal. So I didnt let it bother me for too long. He is the only one working to support all of us. I am not trying to defend him too much, because we both have to give. I understand that. BUT... sometimes he doesnt realize how much I just crave that adult conversation. I can only get so much out of the kids. He works with "grownups" lol all day. So he gets that need fulfilled where I dont. we clash in that retrospect.

 

That is what I am trying to deal with... avoiding getting to that point.

[Balzac]

I can only get so much out of the kids. He works with "grownups" lol all day. So he gets that need fulfilled where I dont. we clash in that retrospect.

 

You said you're a student?

[DawnR]

I can only get so much out of the kids. He works with "grownups" lol all day. So he gets that need fulfilled where I dont. we clash in that retrospect.

 

You said you're a student?

 

Right right... I see where you misunderstand that. I am a student. I am on summer break right now. So that compounds things. I have adult interactions during the school year... and it helps immensely. But right now.. its me and my kiddos all day long. School starts back Aug 24th. I am counting down the days.