I thought it was meant to be, but I was a mistress

[S-babe]

I've known this man for 8 years now. We were introduced by our mutual friend who is his best friend. He was in a relationship at that time so I wasn't interested in him at all. But few months later I saw him at the bar and just said hello. He was quite drunk, but later he bought me a drink, we chatted for a while and at the end we had a great evening (just kissing and dancing) and as I was not sure if he still was in a relationship, I got involved. We started e-mailing to each other, later he told me he has a girlfriend, that they had been separated and now back together and now it is even worse. I was busy with my college stuff, so i didn't want to rush things with him anyways. After two weeks we met at the bar again, we kissed and again - we had a great evening. He e-mailed from time to time, but we never had a date or smth. And then he disappeared. Just couple of months later i found out that he and his girlfriend are expecting their first child. I was kinda ok with that, because we didn't have anything serious going on. He got married. I met him accidentally on the street, congratulated him on the newborn and everything was ok. I didn't have hard feelings, but I guess I never stopped liking him. Over these years I have had some very bad experience with men and my memories about him were so good, because everything that had happened between us was kinda innocent.

After 4 years, his wife and he had a second child and when I found out about that, I was sure he was happily married and stuff. So I thought – he is out of my life forever. But our mutual friends kept telling me how unhappy he was, that their relationship is not good etc. I always told my friends that it is not ok to judge and that I don’t really want to know, because only themselves know their relationship and there has to be a reason why they are together. I met him once but he didn’t recognize me as I have changed a lot over the years.

And then it happened – after 8 years. This march I was finally over a 5-year depression after some very bad relationships. And I saw him at the private concert event. He was with his wife and when I saw it I felt kind of sad. But the evening turned out to be different, his wife went home and we happened to go to the aferparty. It turned out that he didn’t recognize me at the beginning. I said my name as a joke and he was shocked that it’s me. but after that it took just half an hour for us to kiss and it was so great. At first I was scared it was just alcohol, but he said it wasn’t. And it turned out it wasn’t. we started our affair, it was beautiful, like a dream to come true. we happend to have so many things in common. I didn’t tell him to leave his wife though. I told him and myself "what happens happens". And it was so easy with him. Yeah, maybe I hoped it would turn into smth serious but I didn’t think about it that much. I was enjoying every moment we spent together. After 3 months they obviously had a huge fight and he decided to leave their apartment. And he did. I couldn’t believe it was happening. It was a great time for us…I thought it was a destiny. I was a bit careful with him, but he seemed to be so sure about us, talked about future and actually acted like it was very serious.

When he moved out, his wife tried to contact him, sent their children photos etc. He told me she wanted to reboot their relationship, but he had told her that the decision had been made. He told me he wants to be free and he wants divorce until the end of summer. He even came to meet my parents. He liked everything. And after a month I finally believed in us.

BUT then he visited his children for the weekend. I was happy for him because he obviously missed them. But then he came back very sad, he told me about it. We talked about it, I told him to concentrate on children and that I would understand. He seemed to be relieved about my support.

But then a week later I got an email saying he wants to organize family life for the sake of kids. He told me that he has made a decision to go back although he knows it may not work for them, and that at least he would have tried to do that..

I was shocked, I wanted to tell him everything how I feel, how unfair it is etc. But we just met on the next day. I could see that it was soo hard for him to look me in the eye to speak. I know it was harsh, but I pulled myself together and sat in silence with my sunglasses on. I was very calm, told him to speak. But he was very confused; he basically said nothing new – mainly the same things he wrote on the ther day.

I just told him I understand and respect his decision and that I really hope he will be truly happy with his wife, that they will find their little pleasures of life.

He told me he wasn’t playing with me and stuff. I believe him about that though. At the end I hugged him and he was shaking, it was so sad and weird.

I have read lots of stuff online, I know I am not the only one with that kind of problem. I really do know men feel guilty and they go back to their wives for kids.

But my question is - should I give him another chance if he calls or e-mails me after some time? I feel like it’s unfinished business for us…

[spring9201]

You need closure. You said you had all kinds of things you needed to say to him...but it doesn't sound like you did. I'm not saying he deserves a second chance. But you deserve the opportunity to get whatever closure you need.

[S-babe]

Thanks for your opinion!

Yeah, maybe you're right - I think I do need a closure. But at the same time I kinda feel like I need to keep out of it, don't want to get excited if he calls/writes as well as I don't want to "open my heart" again (I already did it in these past 4 months)!

Anways, soes it help in any way if I tell him how much he had hurt me? He asked me that day what my feelings were, but I said they're mine feelings and I will cope with them...

[spring9201]

Is that true? Do you want to cope with your feelings alone? Is that what you're doing? I hope you have someone to talk to. Otherwise, this is just gonna eat you up. I was once in a very short but very passionate affair. When she suddenly ended it without any explanation I was too ashamed to share what was going on with any of my friends...mostly because we all knew each other. As a result I went bat **** crazy for a few weeks keeping all my pain inside. I eventually had to get some therapy to move on. But to this day I still think about what I would say to her if I ever saw her again. I sent her an email once...years after it was over...just to get some things off my chest. She never responded. If I had an opportunity to get that closure I would...in a second. I'm engaged with a child now so I've completely moved on...but something in the human spirit doesn't let things die inside of us until we've gotten it off our chest and out of our mind.

 

So, you need to ask yourself...what do you need for closure. Telling him how much you hurt is a good place to start. What else do you need him to know?

 

I also know a lot of people will tell you just go NC. But I've read articles that say NC won't work for all people. I'm one of them. If I don't get closure...and say what I have to say...it will just fester inside of me. Or I need to shell out money for another 5 or 6 sessions of therapy.

[sweet_pea]

If you do need to tell him how you are feelings, write a letter, get all of your emotions and feelings out and into that letter but DO NOT send it. It's cathartic. Respect the NC he has asked for, and plus, that NC is probably beneficial to you, too.

[S-babe]

Yep, I did that letter thing soon after our break-up talk. I wrote everything I felt, everything I wanted to say, tore it all and threw in the closet Felt good actually.

But the weird thing about our talk was that ok, I didn't say much, I was down to earth, said no problem when he said he would like to hav friendly relationship if we meet some day (we hav mutual friends), but when the meeting was over, he looked at me kind of gently and said something like..it's hard to say the exact thing in english (cause I am not from the UK), but smth like "let's communicate" or "stay in touch"...well it was like if we had a normal dinner and we would meet up in a few weeks time anyway...so weird.

So that is why I have a feeling he might show sooner or later (and he has some of my things at his apartment)...

[Leegh]

I think you need more closure, not necessarily to get involved romantically with him again, but something for your peace of mind.

[S-babe]

No, actually I have lot of good people around me, and I can talk about it...I can even talk to my one friend who is our mutual friend.

That one helped me lot. She on the other hand thinks I need to go through therapy...as I had a very bad one few years ago.

 

As for the closure...I don't know really. I guess at this very moment I could say I want him back, all the nice moments and everything...but that would be wine talking!

But if seriously, I think it would be good (but hard as well) if he could say to me that IT IS OVER FOREVER and really keep that promise. Now he just said that it would be wrong at the moment if we continue to date...

[Leegh]

Perhaps you could tell him to make a decision in say, two or four months. This way it would give him ample time to make a final decision. Unfortunately, since he has the young kids, that is a motivation for him to stay with her. Some men view whether they are happily married as secondary to their young kids. But it can work out, as there are plenty of men with young kids who do divorce.

[S-babe]

Leegh,

I actually like your idea, have thought about it as well. But that could happen only when we meet up. All this just happend last week. ..so I still have time to cope with everything that is on my mind. Plus, I am a little bit afraid of expressing my feelings and thoughts, cause sometimes I feel I don't want to bother anyone with my feelings and stuff. (I have had one really **** guy in my life and this is his "gift")...

[S-babe]

kristsmiles,

Oh, God, -that would be really mean, right?! But actually you are right - that would definately bring the closure

[whichwayisup]

should I give him another chance if he calls or e-mails me after some time? I feel like it’s unfinished business for us…

 

No! Make it finished. He was never yours, back then and even now.

 

You may believe he isn't playing you, but he is. Selfishly, not malciously.

 

This guy seems to go where the wind blows. He fooled around with you an HOUR after you two met up again. Don't fool yourself into believing that he's never done this before with anybody else. Men like that just don't start kissing and fooling around as soon as their wives turn their backs to go home.

 

Sorry if my post comes off as harsh, but please, just let go. This man has young children and like it or not, he is married. Don't always listen to what others say, they only see the 'outside' version of them as a couple. Nobody has any idea what goes on in their marriage behind closed doors.

 

Wish him well, say goodbye and let go.

 

Your issues until you deal with them will repeat, picking types of men who abuse you or treat you poorly, or date men that are taken isn't good. Have you seen a therapist? it could help you cope with all this.

[S-babe]

and it could bring closure to his marriage for you.

 

Maybe, but I could never ever do that to her or anyone though.

[spring9201]

i'm not a big fan of telling the wife. You need closure with him...not her...or the kids. You forcing his hand could go right in one way...but it could go wrong in so many others...AND you still haven't gotten the closure you need with him. If you tell her he may resent you so much that he never wants to speak with you again. He'll run back to his wife and fight like hell to keep his marriage intact. if that happens he could care less about how you feel. By the very nature of affairs the OW/OM have to abide by the rules set forward by the MM/MW. Time for you to take control back and tell him how you feel on your terms...then walk away. Now you have the power and he'll decide on his own what he wants. Telling his wife puts the power back in other people's hands and you have no idea how they will react. You could be left holding the bag and still looking for closure.

[S-babe]

i'm not a big fan of telling the wife. You need closure with him...not her...or the kids. You forcing his hand could go right in one way...but it could go wrong in so many others...AND you still haven't gotten the closure you need with him. If you tell her he may resent you so much that he never wants to speak with you again. He'll run back to his wife and fight like hell to keep his marriage intact. if that happens he could care less about how you feel. By the very nature of affairs the OW/OM have to abide by the rules set forward by the MM/MW. Time for you to take control back and tell him how you feel on your terms...then walk away. Now you have the power and he'll decide on his own what he wants. Telling his wife puts the power back in other people's hands and you have no idea how they will react. You could be left holding the bag and still looking for closure.

 

No, of course, you're right. As I said I would never do anything like that! Never!

If I ever have a chance I guess I will tell him how I feel/felt. But it is too early now. Now I am not that stressed anymore. This forum helps me a lot as well.

Anyway, I am pretty sure I will meet him sooner or later - he calls me/writes or not - after all his best friend/boss is my close friend's boyfriend...