Jace3287 Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 I have been in a very good relationship for over 2 years now. I love my girlfriend very much. I would never want to hurt her. Well the other day I had some friends over for a party. One of my friends has a crush on me but she knows I will never leave my girlfriend for her. But the other night we got really drunk and found ourselves alone. Long story short she ended up wanting to see me masturbate while she had her breasts out. I guess at the time we felt this wasn't cheating. And I thought it was kind of exciting having her watch me knowing she can't actually have me. But the next day when I sobered up I realized how wrong this was and now I feel absolutely horrible. It makes me feel so bad that I realized I would never want to do anything even remotely close to cheating on my girlfriend ever again. But I can't seem to let this go. She most likely won't find out because this other girl also feels horrible and admitted we should never do anything like that again. I've read many similar forums that say it is selfish to tell your significant other and hurt her over something that I know I will never do again. Plus ever since I did this it made me realize how much greater my girlfriend is than I ever considered. And I have vowed to always treat her extremely well from now on. And she has been very happy since I made this change. It also shocked me so bad that I have even cut my drinking down by like 90%. I have always drank too much and this made me realize I want to be a better person. What should I do? Confess to my embarrassing and selfish act in order to be completely truthful and relieve some guilt? Or bury this secret deep down, sparing her that pain, and swear to be a better boyfriend to her? Link to post Share on other sites
dasein Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Welcome to the forum. This is somewhere between sexy skyping and actual physical contact in wrongness. All cheating is bad, but there are degrees. Knowing will surely hurt her feelings, and she will likely NOT believe that it was only masturbation, so if you confess, get ready for that reality. Are you sure no touching at all went on? If no touching, maybe go forth and sin no more, but if you touched this person during this, I think you have to tell her. Cutting down the drinking is a wise idea. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Archanaart Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 It's up to you but I would tell her. I mean would you like it if your girlfriend masturbated in front of another guy while his d*ck was out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jace3287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 No touching at all Link to post Share on other sites
Archanaart Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) Personally I consider it cheating. And I would want to know so I knew exactly what kind of guy I am dating. And it's a personal act and pretty explicit act. Touching or no touching. You should've thought about the consequences before you decide hey I'm gonna masturbate in front of this girl that likes me. Who cares that i have a girlfriend right this moment. Edited July 25, 2013 by Archanaart 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jace3287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 I am very positive it was a one time thing. I feel way too horrible about this to do it again. Link to post Share on other sites
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 What should I do? Cut the other 10%, obviously. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sidz Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 As it seems two females think it preferable to err on the side of keeping it a secret, my opinion is irrelevant. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 As it seems two females think it preferable to err on the side of keeping it a secret, my opinion is irrelevant. LaughOutLoud Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I have been in a very good relationship for over 2 years now. I love my girlfriend very much. I would never want to hurt her. Well the other day I had some friends over for a party. One of my friends has a crush on me but she knows I will never leave my girlfriend for her. But the other night we got really drunk and found ourselves alone. Long story short she ended up wanting to see me masturbate while she had her breasts out. I guess at the time we felt this wasn't cheating. And I thought it was kind of exciting having her watch me knowing she can't actually have me. But the next day when I sobered up I realized how wrong this was and now I feel absolutely horrible. It makes me feel so bad that I realized I would never want to do anything even remotely close to cheating on my girlfriend ever again. But I can't seem to let this go. She most likely won't find out because this other girl also feels horrible and admitted we should never do anything like that again. I've read many similar forums that say it is selfish to tell your significant other and hurt her over something that I know I will never do again. Plus ever since I did this it made me realize how much greater my girlfriend is than I ever considered. And I have vowed to always treat her extremely well from now on. And she has been very happy since I made this change. It also shocked me so bad that I have even cut my drinking down by like 90%. I have always drank too much and this made me realize I want to be a better person. What should I do? Confess to my embarrassing and selfish act in order to be completely truthful and relieve some guilt? Or bury this secret deep down, sparing her that pain, and swear to be a better boyfriend to her? Sorry to get picky, but how is it possible you've made all these big changes in only a few days? You said this just happened the other night, but you've already seen results of your positive changes? The bigger test will be sustainable, long-term changes. It's definitely cheating and I would tell her. She has the right to know that you betrayed her so she can decide if she still wants a future with you. Think carefully about why you did this in the first place, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jace3287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 Sorry to get picky, but how is it possible you've made all these big changes in only a few days? You said this just happened the other night, but you've already seen results of your positive changes? The bigger test will be sustainable, long-term changes. Let me clarify, its been a few weeks. But its still very new to me. But these last weeks I've realized that I have been using this guilt to be more attentive and caring towards her. She has always been happy, but these last weeks have made her even happier. If I tell her then this relationship, which has a very good chance of being great, is ****ed. I know I can progress from this. You really think that telling her is the best options. I honestly want to know why that is the better choice. I'm not argueing I'm just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Let me clarify, its been a few weeks. But its still very new to me. But these last weeks I've realized that I have been using this guilt to be more attentive and caring towards her. She has always been happy, but these last weeks have made her even happier. If I tell her then this relationship, which has a very good chance of being great, is ****ed. I know I can progress from this. You really think that telling her is the best options. I honestly want to know why that is the better choice. I'm not argueing I'm just curious. Actually, it was f*cked when you decided to masturbate with a girl who isn't your girlfriend. If you hadn't done that, you wouldn't be in this situation. And yes, I really do think telling her is best. I'd want to know if my boyfriend were a cheater so I could make room for someone more trustworthy in my life. She should have the power to make that decision. You kind of forfeited your right to make that choice when you committed a sexual act with someone else. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I would confess... When it comes to cheating I would forgive easier a woman who had full intercourse with another guy but she was resentful and told me right away than to a woman who just kissed another guy but decided that she had to take the decisions for me by not telling me Honesty is the basic stone where I base my life so I guess it all comes to what are the important values for you and your girlfriend... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jace3287 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 I came here for helpful advice, not judgement. Link to post Share on other sites
eddyctv Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I came here for helpful advice, not judgement. Unfortunately, there is A LOT of judgement on this forum, which is sad, considering people come here for help. I wouldn't tell her. You didn't touch the girl. You're girlfriend won't believe you. If you love your girlfriend, and you tell her, be prepared to lose her, because you will. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Sidz Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Please, if my opinion had that much influence, do you think I'd be here? It's just an opinion. Most people are likely to advocate telling, so if it's a numbers thing, they'll come out on top. It's just my opinion, it's not designed to influence the decision - it's just what I think. No worries! My meaning is that, given that two females think it's reasonable and maybe even preferable to keep it a secret and spare the relationship and the partner the strain of this kind of offense, I think any male, myself included would be relieved to consider that option the better of the two and take it as license due to it being more preferable. I won't even say it's that much more preferable, as OP seems to feel very guilty. But, I mean, come on. Personally, imagining that my girlfriend had gotten drunk and masturbated for another guy in some stage of undress and I'm completely unaware because she wouldn't tell me gives me the feeling of being a schmuck and a fool. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I came here for helpful advice, not judgement. Just ignore the negative and take the positive I haven't judge you and I won't but I do think you should come clean with your girlfriend if you have any respect for her. She deserves to know and then to take her own decisions based on your behavior. Good luck whatever you decide to do.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
twinkie0 Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 Like they said above, ignore the judgement. You obviously guilty about it. Still, I don't think you should tell. If I were her, I wouldn't want to know. Just be glad you didn't mess it up by going further and try to work on yourself to avoid this kind of thing ever happening again. Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 I used to be the kind of person who would say "If you're going to cheat/want to cheat/have cheated, tell me." A bit of life experience later, I've realised that no relationship is infidelity proof. And if it kept them happy and kept them a devoted partner, I would rather they wore condoms, didn't impregnate anyone, didn't do it TOO often, and they still came home to me. Just don't tell me it's happening, otherwise I would be obliged to dump them. Be discreet! OP, you'll ease your burden by telling your gf, but you'll only be just starting hers. I think it's something you should wear as a reminder to not do it again. Zip your lip, and do better. Good luck. To my opinion this is a very cynical way of seeing life and not very brave either... it reminds me the way ostrich act (when they see danger they hide their head in a hole ... since they don't see danger anymore they think the danger is gone... the reality is that the danger is still there and is getting close to you ). I do believe in the goodness of people, I know we all can have weak moments but I do believe people can be strong even in weak moments and overcome difficult situations...just because many people cheat it doesn't make it normal or acceptable to my eyes. OP- if you withheld this information from your girlfriend you are kind of holding her hostage with your lie as she has no possibility of taking an informed decision... you are not putting any burden on her by telling her the truth, you are actually giving her the power of decision taking about her own life. If you respect her, she deserves that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 I don' know if it's cynical, I think it's just seeing cheating in a different light. I don't think cheating makes a person bad, it just makes them human. I guess for me, if my partner couldn't be faithful, I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak. But someone confessing cheating, in my experience, does not make you feel better, particularly if it was a one-time slip. I, as the girlfriend, just wouldn't want to know. But that's just me. I'm not saying people can't be faithful, I see it all the time. Fingers crossed that it stays that way. If not... it's a lot more complicated for me than simply ending things. It's certain life experiences talking here. Ask me the same question 6 months ago, I would have given you a different answer. What a profound effect people and situations can have on opinions... I understand you have a particular view on cheating... but you should understand that for most people cheating is a deal breaker and people want to be with people who care about them and respect them... so your advise counts only for the minority of the people who find cheating an acceptable mistake (or just being human). I don't think someone who cheats needs necessarily to be a bad person... but I do think that it is a very selfish person who considers his/her sexual/validation needs are more important that the well being of the person with whom he/she had committed to a monogamous relationship. If a person was to commit such a disrespectful act the minimum that should do is to give the opportunity to the other person to take vital decisions about his/her relationship with the cheater... If you withhold that key information you are taking decisions on behalf the offended and you are forcing him/her to a life with you that is not much better than keeping someone hostage. Telling someone you have cheated on them is not what hurt people... is the fact that you did cheat on them ... and your silence doesn't change the fact that you did that. When the silence is used to cover a lie... then the silence is a lie 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 Another vote for bearing the burden yourself and sparing your gf the pain. Since you didn't even touch her, and if you're not having an emotional affair, I don't think it meets the definition of cheating. But even if it did, I just don't agree with the hard-liners. Certainly unburdening yourself is not the right reason. Focus on your remorse, make the changes you need to make. Rededicate yourself to making your gf the happiest and most loved person you know. Spare her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
will1988 Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 tell her, but let her masturbate while a guy has schlong out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jace3287 Posted July 26, 2013 Author Share Posted July 26, 2013 OP- if you withheld this information from your girlfriend you are kind of holding her hostage with your lie as she has no possibility of taking an informed decision... you are not putting any burden on her by telling her the truth, you are actually giving her the power of decision taking about her own life. If you respect her, she deserves that OK, so I told her I wasn't faithful and that I exposed myself to this other women and she showed me her breasts. I left the graphic details out, I read somewhere that being vague but still confessing to infedelity is the best way to let her know without her imagining the details. She was pretty hurt and her reaction when I told her I screwed up made my heart break. I never want her to look or feel that way again. I think we can work through this. She is more amazing than I realized. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 OK, so I told her I wasn't faithful and that I exposed myself to this other women and she showed me her breasts. I left the graphic details out, I read somewhere that being vague but still confessing to infedelity is the best way to let her know without her imagining the details. She was pretty hurt and her reaction when I told her I screwed up made my heart break. I never want her to look or feel that way again. I think we can work through this. She is more amazing than I realized. You are a brave man and you did the correct thing to do. What ever the consequences of your act may be you have also learned a lesson by seeing the damage you cause when you do such an act. You have all my respect! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 OK, so I told her I wasn't faithful and that I exposed myself to this other women and she showed me her breasts. I left the graphic details out, I read somewhere that being vague but still confessing to infedelity is the best way to let her know without her imagining the details. She was pretty hurt and her reaction when I told her I screwed up made my heart break. I never want her to look or feel that way again. I think we can work through this. She is more amazing than I realized. I really believe you did the right thing. Now she has information she needs to make a decision about whether she can really move forward with you. If she does want to continue, be patient with her. She's just had a nasty blow and will probably be up-and-down for a long time. And I think it's safe to say you can pretty much forget about hanging out with this other girl again. It's probably time now to think more carefully about why you cheated on her: What lead to this? What will you do make sure it never happens again? What will you do if it does? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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