Brokenhearted girl

[toxiclove]

I am in a toxic marriage. Unlike those that are waiting for their spouses to come back or had their spouse leave I am the opposite. I have separated from my husband because he is emotionally abusive and lies constantly. We have tried counseling several time (4) and he doesn't seem to be taking heed of the advice. My husband lied to me for 6 six years. He lied about finances, his job, gambling, porn, etc. We became homeless twice and the second time he was willing to just give up (we had a daughter 2 yr old) at the time. I called around and didn't want to give up hope and got us into transition housing. He stole from his boss and almost went to jail, he couldn't hold down any jobs. I started working from home and now he's been working from home. The 4th year is when I started to lose all my trust in him. I did so much for him. This is not even the whole story. We got into huge arguments and he would just leave me with the kids and not come home until late. I trust him 0% now. Things seemed to be getting better but then I found out he lied to me about stuff he did during our separation. I am now back at my parents and seeking to divorce. He has not apologized or tried to get me to come back. It feels hopeless. Part of me has had suspicions about infidelity and the only reason I would leave is due to infidelity or physical harm to me or my children. I feel like all those years mean nothing to him and everything that I did for him. I love him so much but he doesn't care. Now I am trying to not contact him but it's hard to do. Today I told him I removed myself from utility bills and our car loan (I don't drive he does). I will be removing myself from the lease as well. He doesn't seem to care. I can't believe I invested all those years into a man that despises me. We have two kids and I know it will be difficult raising them on my own. I am very scared being on my own and also sad that the kids will be in a broken home.

[smile1983]

You have been through many tests and trials. I know it seems bad now because you are wondering if you are doing the right thing for your children. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be able to trust the man you share your life with. Your children deserve to see you happy. Your children may be upset about your divorce but they would be very miserable sensing your unhappiness and being unable to help you. As a child I wanted my parents to stay together (which they did) but now I feel like it would have been better if they had not. It was not healthy for me to see my mother treated like that and to some degree I think it influenced me to stay in an unhealthy marriage longer than I should have.

[toxiclove]

Thank you. I do love him still, however love is blind. At this time I am just not going to contact him at all. I feel the same way as my dad was emotionally abusive to my mom. I too, felt sometimes it would've been better if they didn't get married.

[oldshirt]

OK let's get something straight about this whole children-of-divorce thing.

 

If the two parents are decent, hard working, sane, sober, drug-free, nonabusive, respectful people that are both good parents and are both devoted to the well-being and proper upbringing of their children, The children are probably better off if the parents can find a way to stay together and coparent under the same roof, rather than split up simply because one or the other is not haaaaaaaapppppyyy and wants to graze in some greener pastures for awhile.

 

Under those conditions, kids probably do better if the parents can reconcile and work things out.

 

You have NONE of those things going on here.

 

He is a bad person. A bad spouse. and definitely not a good parent and not a good father figure/role model.

 

By keeping them under a roof with him you are teaching your son how to be deadbeat loser douchebag and how to use and abuse women and neglect his responsibilities and you are teaching your daughter that as long as she spreads her legs she too can have a man that is abusive, disrespectful and irresponsible and good for nothing.

 

In simple terms, your kids are better off living in a cardboard box under a bridge with you alone than they are with him anywhere around him.

 

I simply cannot understand how someone can stay with somebody like that. You say that infidelity is a deal-breaker? Honey, in your case it would be a blessing and a Godsend. The moment that some other woman can take him off your hands will be your rebirth.

 

Besides, I can't believe that hasn't already cheated and cheated a lot. You've just been turning a blind eye to it because then you'd have to follow through on your vow that it would be a deal breaker.

 

If you need that final push to send you over the edge and take some definitive action, then do a little detective work and find the proof of his cheating that you need and then get out of Dodge!!