Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 i have a choice to make, on friday i am getting a book entitle "How to get a Lover Back and make it better than it was before" and its written for the obnoxious guy who took his girlfriend for granted until she didnt love me anymore and that is my exact scenario. i love my ex girlfriend to death but she is totally and completely out of love with me and i basically got her to hate me by being desperate and clingy for 2 months. now she wants me to move on and stop loving her so we can be friends and just be normal happy people. EVERYONE including my parents are telling me to live my life for myself and to make myself happy and stop trying to fix things, just get over her. But at the same time i read the reviews of the book and they give me so much hope. i am struggling with whether to try and completely let go like even she wants because she doesnt love me, or to read the book and try to love her back to me like the book says. because i mean honestly right now i dont see how i cant give the book a shot, but i may just be delaying the heartbreak and continuing the pain. please give your input, i dont know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
shaker1973 Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Stop wasting time and energy on her put your time and energy into finding someone new - you'll be much happier in the end. The relationship had to end for a reason. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 it ended because i took her for granted and didnt treat her right, the instant she left i realized i loved her with all my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 some of the quotes i have seen from people whove read the book say things like Your lover is gone. You're devastated. You want him or her back. So go for it, says this psychiatrist. It worked for him, and he shares his secrets in this very positive, step-by-step guide for regaining lost love. What do you do when your ex truly tires of you, and falls out of love? But if in your relationship, there was love, Dr. Harris gives you hope that there IS something you can do - love your lover with all your heart, and things will work out for the best. As the other reader writes this book is for men who neglected their women and did not pay enough attention to their needs while they were together. Every book has its critics. I bought the book at a time when my lover had left me and had no intentions o returning. He still loved me but didnt want to be with me. I read the book and waited. It took some months but I loved him back to me. Get the book. Read it and get your lover back.. BUT dont forget the techniques learnt to maintain the relationship. This book was written by and for the typical obnoxious man who takes his woman for granted until she finally ups and leaves. everyone says i should let go of her and move on and just eventually not love her again. even my ex says she wants me to move on and be happy but i dont know how i can pass up this opportunity to try and love her back to me, but if i do that then its like im never gonna move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 i am so conflicted, i am freaking out because im not sure which path to choose Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 live your life like you did before she was in it meaning don't focus on her or the getting back together or anything like that. Try not to analyze stuff and jsut let time sort things out. If you two are meant to be you will be but realize it may not happen and accept that. Also, realize there isn't anything you can do to make it happen. Only she can decide if she wants to get back with you and if she does and contacts you, only then can you decide what to do/how to handle things. I am not a believer in just tyring to forget someone so I won't say that but you really need to go and enjoy your life without her in it. After time you'll feel better and you may in fact find out you really do not want ot get back with her. I guess basically what I am saying is "move on" but that doesn't mean you have to forget about her or should go seach high and low for a replacement. Try being single and see how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 what happens if im single for a long time and i still have feelings for her?, and she wants to be my best friend after i stop loving her. and another thing is i dont remember my life without her, ive been with her since the beginning of high school to my first week and college and i dont really remember myself without her, and i think thats becuase i hadnt even created my personality when until i was with her. the thing is i treated her badly and i took her for granted for so long and now i am desperately in love with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 after thinking for awhile i was lingering on two choices, i am probably either going to send my ex an email saying that ive decided to get over her and that means that i probably will never talk to her again with risk of getting hurt. *this is interesting becuase my ex treasures friendships more than anything in the world and said that she wants to be my best friend after im over her, but i dont see a point being her friend after im over her because then im just setting myself up for getting hurt if im truly "over" her*. or i was thinking about reading that book and trying to get my ex back, but i was thinking that if i do what the book says and wait and be patient, then im treading water and not moving on with my life like i should be and i am just setting myself up to get massively hurt again. i still havent decided but id really like some more input because im having a difficult time making the most important decision of my entire life. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 you can be single and still want to be with her. I am single and want to eventually reconcile with my ex. Does that mean I constantly am thinking about that and am all depressed and have it contorl my life? No. I just keep it in the back of my mind and continue to live my life doing stuff that gives me enjoyment. There was a point afer we stopped talking where I felt all depressed and thought the world was gonna end if I was not with her but trust me, time takes care of that feeling. I have recently opened up communication with my ex again (after over a year of not talking) and we are hanging out on occasion just as friends. Just give yourself some time to deal with things and then decide if you want to hang out with your ex as friends. Like you, I thought there'd be no point but you may be surprised how your outlook of things change after some time apart from the person. My only advice though is if you decide to continue to hang out with her down the line you don't do it without making up your mind of what will or will not happen. Don't think "we will get back togther if we do this" but also don't assume you won't. Just let time sort things out and enjoy being around the person. There is a very good chance she still has feelings but right now she just needs to sort some stuff out with you and that is why she still wants to hang as friends. Or, she may totally not have any feelings and wants to hang as friends simply because she wants you as a friend. I don't know. You don't know for sure. Only she knows and time will give you her answer. I really do think you should tell har you need some time of not seeing/talking to her and then once you start to fele better you can then hang out with her if you want...and when I say time I mean like real time not 2 weeks. Take months off from talking to her. You HAVE to heal and the only way to do that is not communicating with her and constantly analyzing the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 thank you weird, i am in that exact situation. she says she wants me to move on and stop loving her because i am hurting when i love her and know i cant be with her. i pray that i have the strength to love her in the back of my mind but have the capacity to be her friend and hang out with her. as i said in another post, i did not handle the break up well and i am very scared that those regrettable decisions i made will affect how she sees me in this time apart. i plan on giving the relationship a very long break of no contact, i have already made that decision, but not knowing what she thinks of me in our time apart is eating me alive. of course i want her to miss me and start loving me again, but i just want her to miss me as a person. the last thing i want is for her to see me as crazy or a bad person even though that is how i acted and regret it more than anythign int he world. there is no way i can show her that ive changed though and it is tearing me apart not knowing how she sees me during our break. also she gave me so many mixed signals during our break up that i dont know if she still has feelings. one weekend we fooled around all weekend and she looked me in the eye and said that i have to be her first sexual partner no matter what happens and the next weekend we can fight, then just hang out as amazing friends and before i leave her for the last time, she whispers in my ear that i am the perfect guy. then just a couple days later she says she wants me to move on and let her go beecause im just hurting myself and both of us. im not sure if shes going to miss me or going to be happy that im not making her unhappy, even though when we both just said screw our feelings and lets just hang out we had the time of our lives. im not sure like when shes looking back on these past 2 months if shes gonna look at me being crazy and obsessive and crying hysterically all the time and think bad things, or if shes gonna look at the person who loves her when we decided to just hang out and have fun and i loved her more than anything in the world and the person she called the "perfect guy." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 28, 2004 Author Share Posted October 28, 2004 it would just be so much easier to do this long long break if i knew for sure that she woudl start to miss me instead of the thought that she might think im still crazy Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 When/if you decide to hang out with her if you keep things cool and don't do any irrationla things she will see you aren't crazy. Everyone does irrational stuff when they are stressed out and don't knwo what is going on. Trust me, she won't judge you forever on what you did during/right after the break. Give her time and she won't think of you based on that and just be the guy you always were around her (the guy she fell in love with) and she will see you are the same guy not the crazy guy you feel she thinks you are right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 the weird thing is i know that in my heart and deep down in there i know that she used to love me with all her heart and that never truly goes away. that makes me feel good when i get really down, but to never hear it out of her mouth just makes me panic a little sometimes which i think is understandable. i think im going ot take a long break getting over her and if i still feel strongly about her i may read the book "How to get a lover back." I dont want to read it now and spend the next long time of my life waiting for her, but i am going to try and move on, and when i feel im ready and if i choose i may read the book when i become healthy again and independent and grow as a person. i just cant imagine her with someone else and that is the one thing that worries me more than anything. Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Read the book. It will help you understand what you're going through. It's not just a book about how to get them back, it's a book about how to get yourself together, realize what you're doing and what you're consciously putting yourself through. Please. Read it. Then you'll stop worrying about her being with someone else, etc. ... if you're curious just pick it up and read it. It will help, as will many other self-help books out there, but this one in particular has a lot to do with what you are going through. I also recommend you go to a counselor. Relationships that are as dependent and close as yours with your ex always reach a breaking point. Almost all long-term relationships do. Seek help, from this book, from a counselor, from anyone, but please seek help because the desperation in your posts is destructive to your mind, body, spirit, and your relationship with this woman. Good luck! You can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 i am seeing a counselor. i am actually very afriad to read the book, because i think that if i read it then i will never actually get over her, i will just be waiting until im ready to talk to her to get her back. i dont know if moving on means not lovnig her anymore, or loving her with being ok with not being with her. i really think she doesnt want me to love her anymore just so i dont have to be in pain and make her be in pain because it kills her to hurt me. Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 see, I think the title is deceptive. it won't keep you from getting over this person. the first thing it does is help you decide IF you should try to get back together with this person. it's a very helpful quiz, maybe later i can summarize what it says for you. but basically it doesn't "keep you from getting over someone." that would be ridiculous. like I said, the title stinks. but I am glad you are in counseling. ultimately, what you want is what you should do -- and it sounds like you don't want to try to figure out if you want to be with her right now. you just want space. which is natural and healthy and great. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 well actually i would love nothing more than to be with her right now. but after hearing it from everyone, i realize that i couldnt because id be totally dependent and obsessed with her. i really want to find myself and grow and become the person i was WHILE loving her as much as i realized. because right now if she said she loved me id be there every weekend and completely obsessed with her. i want to be able to be my own person but love her as much as i know i do. i am just very very very afraid i will never get that chance or be hurt again by her maybe being with someone else. there are also a lot of little things that i fear. such as her having sex with someone else after she just promised me i would be her first, her not looking at me as a good person during our break, or her falling for someone else. i also pushed her so far away from me im scared i will never get another chance, i want another chance to be her lover more htan anything in the world but i am very scared that will never happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 so she is a virgin (a real virgin or a technical virgin?) and she has said recently she wants you to be her first? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 a real virgin, and a couple weeks after all this started (the breaking up) we were laying on her bed and just messing around because we were both so frustrated with our lives we just kind of let go for the weekend and succombed to our urges. and i told her that id give her the break up (althougth i didnt truly understand what that meant) and we were just laying there and she said that. then another month of frustration and fighting and feelings of being trapped and now i dont know what to think. it just kills me thinking that she might do it with someone else. another thing is we are both of each others firsts for everything. she was even my first kiss. the farthest she had ever gone before me was kissing so i guess that makes it extra special to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 well, her comment to me sounds like it has a lot of importance in it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 30, 2004 Author Share Posted October 30, 2004 i think it has a lot of importance too, but the simple fact that she can do whatever she wants and its her life scares the crap out of me, that and it was a very passionate moment between her and i. i hope it just wasnt heat of the moment and that she remembers stuff like that in the long run. because it seems to me that she stil has a lot of feelings for me. one second its look as though she loves me and we are together, and the next shes terrified of me and doesnt love me at all. it was so confusing and makes it even mor econfusing looking in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 30, 2004 Author Share Posted October 30, 2004 sometimes i just get that random feeling of total emptiness and just feel liek a shell. the fact taht i may never get another chance with her weighs on me. also whenever i wake up from a nap or in the morning from a long sleep, i just think that i lost the girl i love and that she may never come back. any thoughts or suggestions, because i cant really control my feelings when i wake up, it just kinda happens. Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 when you wake up and when you go to sleep are the worst times -- because you wish your ex was there, and the reality of your situation comes crashing back. I cried every morning for about a month after my ex and I decided to end our relationship -- and it wasn't even that bad, because we agreed we might get back together!!! go ahead and let yourself cry, but try to limit it to about twenty minutes in the morning and twenty minutes at night. I also recommend writing letters to your ex and keeping them in a secret shoebox. (these are two things recommended in the book "How to Get your Lover Back" by the way.) It really helps. I don't know if it works for guys, but for me it really helps to read funny books and watch movies about how crazy love and relationships are. I loved "Bridget Jones's Diary" before, but now I adore it and watch it every few weeks. It makes me feel better. Take care of yourself, ok? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Layzie1207 Posted October 30, 2004 Author Share Posted October 30, 2004 i will try my best, i seriously read these forums nonstop just to remind me what i have to do and something to do instead of think about whats going on. its just very hard to realize that it MAY not ever happen and just that little itty bit of thought is terrible. i know im only 18 and just got to college, but i hate when people say your young blah blah blah, i know if i love someone and only i know how i feel about her. it sucks because i know that know one else will feel the way i do about her and im still having a hard time understanding why she doesnt want someone who loves her this much but everyday i get a little more perspective. SHE BETTER NOT FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 yeah crying is a good thing for people to do. It releases some chemicals or something that ease feelings of depression/sadness. If you ever feel like cying you should do it...then watch how you feel better afterward. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts