What does NC mean to you?

[janedoe67]

CD, it is important to know that lots of LS posters also know each other well from other forums.

 

My advice would be to not look for him in any way, shape or form, virtually or IRL. Erase him from your life regardless of curiosity.

[Furious]

CD

 

I understand that this is an old thread and you've made progress since then. Unfortunately, your husband discovered that you have periodically looked up your ex-affair partner in social media and kept it secret from him and it has upset him and he is once agin questioning his trust in you.

 

Your husband is eloquent and seems like a very enlightened and strong man. He is dealing with a double betrayal and for most folks that kind of hurt is beyond excruciating.

 

Your husband did not mince words on his thoughts on his ex- friend, who he sees as a man child who still lives in his mom's basement and betrayed him with cheating with you behind his back. He sees him for the low life he is, and yet you have continued to still have curiously and some sort of attachment to this guy by secretly looking him up.

 

At this point, it's as if you still do not see what a scum your ex-affair partner is.

Maybe, you don't want to believe it, maybe if you don't accept he is scum then your affair was special, you were special.

 

Is your ego standing in the way of NC, I think it's more about your self esteem than it is about the ex-affair partner.

[gettingstronger]

Actually, as I recall the issue was not you thinking about him but actively searching for him on line- thats beyond thinking, thats acting and trying to have contact, even if its one-sided- I agree with your husband, that is a violation of no contact-

[tired girl]

I think some people are missing the boat here as to WHY you are doing this. The OM provided you with an emotional element that I think you are now currently lacking and when you go seeking him online it is your emotional self that is looking for that hit again. Kind of like a drug addict looking for that next hit.

 

In order to break this, you have to look inside and figure out what it is you are feeling every time you feel like you want to search for him. Are you feeling anxious, worried, needy, what? And then take that feeling and learn to deal with it. You have learned to link the OM with these feelings of need and really it is not about him at all. You really need to get past this belief that it is about not having the right amount of closure with him. It isn't about that and it never will be. It is about the fact that he filled a need in you and that isn't happening now. It is now your job to do this.

 

If you want to save this marriage, I suggest you figure that out, and figure out that the OM was just a tool. He was not anything special.

[janedoe67]

I think some people are missing the boat here as to WHY you are doing this. The OM provided you with an emotional element that I think you are now currently lacking and when you go seeking him online it is your emotional self that is looking for that hit again. Kind of like a drug addict looking for that next hit.

 

In order to break this, you have to look inside and figure out what it is you are feeling every time you feel like you want to search for him. Are you feeling anxious, worried, needy, what? And then take that feeling and learn to deal with it. You have learned to link the OM with these feelings of need and really it is not about him at all. You really need to get past this belief that it is about not having the right amount of closure with him. It isn't about that and it never will be. It is about the fact that he filled a need in you and that isn't happening now. It is now your job to do this.

 

If you want to save this marriage, I suggest you figure that out, and figure out that the OM was just a tool. He was not anything special.

 

The way to deal with "emotional lacking," IMO is to learn not to be afraid to "sit with it" and to learn how to replace it with things that are beneficial. Going back to the destructive thing is NOT the answer. If what you want is connectedness, turn that toward your husband. If he is still struggling too much, connect with healthy female friendships, serving others, etc. And don't fear loneliness or "emptiness." You can learn a lot from it.

[thummper]

I find it ultimately interesting that WS, instead of continually thanking whatever gods there be that their marriages didn't go up in smoke and that they managed to avoid divorce, family shame and breakups, and constant guilt over their vicious (and I don't think that's an overstatement) treatment of their BS, instead indulge themselves in dewy-eyed reminiscing about their, sigh, wonderful OM. I personally believe that these memories and desires for "just one more kiss" or thoughts of all the marvelous sex and exciting, dangerous liasons, are a slippery slope leading to still more heartache for the betrayed spouse who has taken a huge leap of faith in staying with a wayward wife, when every instinct was to just turn and walk away and leave their WW on her own, or load her and her things up and leave them on the OM's front lawn. I've NEVER understood this yearning for what could only be described as a "poisonous" relationship that very nearly lead to marital disaster. Ladies, there was no "love" as far as the AP was concerned, I don't care what he told you. He was only interested in getting as much sex from you as possible! Another poster on this site referred to his WW as a "cum dumpster!" Is that how you see yourself? When the affair was ultimately discovered and the OM confronted, the fun was over. All you had left was your "fond memories" of a man who was nothing more than a selfish, heartless homewrecker. Instead of remembering this POS for what he really was, you choose to occasionally remember only the "good times". Try remembering how close he came to ruining your relationship to the one man who has loved you and stood by you through this whole AWFUL mess. I'm sorry this post has rambled on the way it has, but this disgusting tale of viewing your OM through rose-colored glasses while your BS is STILL suffering from what you did just set me off.

[road]

Actually, as I recall the issue was not you thinking about him but actively searching for him on line- thats beyond thinking, thats acting and trying to have contact, even if its one-sided- I agree with your husband, that is a violation of no contact-

 

 

 

Hell yes..

[road]

CM has submitted himself to a situation most men never would. The discovery of not only your wife cheating with your best friend but you told him to his face - while the OM was there - that you did not regret having the affair.

 

I'm not sure you even understand the magnitude of pain, humiliation and low self-esteem that has been brought upon your husband.

 

 

 

CD, you said that in front of the OM to your BH. Harsh? That is beyond brutal. Beyond my vocabulary.

[Fluttershy]

Thank you. Many people counseled H to divorce me over this. Seriously.

 

To be fair some posters counsel divorce no matter the circumstance or waywards behaviour. And what it seems you are missing is this. Insecurity of the BS.

 

If i had seen my husband entering his MW into google I would have wondered why he care still and i he missed her. And how could he miss the person who almost destroyed our marriage and ton our family apart. Oh I know he was to blame for his own choices but without her the A would not have happened. She wasn't a random craigslist reply. She was an aquaintance.

 

So many people repeat cheat. So many. You just read on the Ow side how many times they hook up again. Sometimes after months of contact. When you are in reconciliation you are wondering if your partner is in damage control or genuine. And that takes time to know. When yor husband saw your posts he has got to wonder if xOM came crawlin back would you pick up again. He doesn't know your heart or intentions only your actions. And even a few google searches have hurt him and set you guys back in trust.

 

For me I didn't end te affair so i had that ti remind myself of. I still wondered if he regretted telling me and missed it. But it must be way harder to know that you broke the lovers up and therefore they still may very well be humping like bunnies.

 

You seem to lack empathy. It is a helpful trait. It elped me reconcile. It helps me see where other people are at. Even when I don't agree. I encourage you to work on that towards your husband. Not a "I am so sorry I hurt him, I know 8 hurt him. It is thinking about how he really maybe feeling. And instead of getting down about it or makin it about your feelings. You do things you would think will help him know you love him.

 

Not just when he is looking.

[Fluttershy]

CD, you said that in front of the OM to your BH. Harsh? That is beyond brutal. Beyond my vocabulary.

 

Actually it is far better than instant "I'm sorry". She spoke out like a rebellious teenager who got caught. She was behaving like a spoiled teenager and was in an emotionaly stunted place. A more calculated cheater would hae been prepared for being caught and had lies and a speech practiced. CD has shown a compulsive thoughtless personality at time. I think staying in one thought may be hard. So she has some growing up to do an CD has decided to stick with her for now. That is why I urged a role model in her life.

 

 

Is there any older woman or at least more mature in your life Cd? Maybe somebody you look up to and don't even realize it?

[thummper]

To be fair some posters counsel divorce no matter the circumstance or waywards behaviour. And what it seems you are missing is this. Insecurity of the BS.

 

If i had seen my husband entering his MW into google I would have wondered why he care still and i he missed her. And how could he miss the person who almost destroyed our marriage and ton our family apart. Oh I know he was to blame for his own choices but without her the A would not have happened. She wasn't a random craigslist reply. She was an aquaintance.

 

So many people repeat cheat. So many. You just read on the Ow side how many times they hook up again. Sometimes after months of contact. When you are in reconciliation you are wondering if your partner is in damage control or genuine. And that takes time to know. When yor husband saw your posts he has got to wonder if xOM came crawlin back would you pick up again. He doesn't know your heart or intentions only your actions. And even a few google searches have hurt him and set you guys back in trust.

 

For me I didn't end te affair so i had that ti remind myself of. I still wondered if he regretted telling me and missed it. But it must be way harder to know that you broke the lovers up and therefore they still may very well be humping like bunnies.

 

You seem to lack empathy. It is a helpful trait. It elped me reconcile. It helps me see where other people are at. Even when I don't agree. I encourage you to work on that towards your husband. Not a "I am so sorry I hurt him, I know 8 hurt him. It is thinking about how he really maybe feeling. And instead of getting down about it or makin it about your feelings. You do things you would think will help him know you love him.

 

Not just when he is looking.

 

 

I just don't see CD repeating her physical A with OM. I think she is very sincere in her desire to R with CM. But this continual thinking about the OM, well, I just don't know.

[Fluttershy]

I just don't see CD repeating her physical A with OM. I think she is very sincere in her desire to R with CM. But this continual thinking about the OM, well, I just don't know.

 

I wasn't trying to say I think she wikl just trying to help her "get" why so many people found her googling a big deal.

[Raven3321]

CD,

 

Do you still feel something is missing in your life? I don't really think it's the OM you really want......it's what he represents to you. In fact, and I may be reaching here, but it may be the reason you wanted an open marriage in the first place. If you can find out what "it" is, you can lay the OM to rest. It's imperative that you do because if you don't, this affair is going to start up again. The OM is still in your heart. It's only a matter of time........and opportunity.

Edited February 22, 2014 by Raven3321
Thought was incomplete

[compulsivedancer]

CD,

 

Do you still feel something is missing in your life? I don't really think it's the OM you really want......it's what he represents to you. In fact, and I may be reaching here, but it may be the reason you wanted an open marriage in the first place. If you can find out what "it" is, you can lay the OM to rest. It's imperative that you do because if you don't, this affair is going to start up again. The OM is still in your heart. It's only a matter of time........and opportunity.

 

Raven, I am and always have been, lonely. I seem to have more need for interaction than many, but less ability to make friends and keep them. Since this fall, all of my female friends have been very busy, and less interested in hanging out. Why do you think I spend so much time on here?

 

H is my best friend, but he works opposite hours from me and simply doesn't have enough time. You can't get all your social needs from one person, anyway.

[miguelcervantes]

Having read through all your and CM's posts, I have got to say that I really do not believe that you two should be married. Neither of you are ready to continue - you are not completely over the OM (and never was) and as a result I find it hard to believe that you are truly remorseful about the affair (in your inner thoughts). In fact I would go so far as to say that you are remorseful about ending the affair. You do love your husband but not exclusively and you really do not believe that you can have all your emotional needs met by him.

 

Remember I am not saying that your husband should divorce you - I am saying that you should divorce each other! Neither of you are really ready to stay in a committed, monogamous relationship. Maybe you can maintain some kind of polyamorous relationship after you are divorced but hopefully then there will be no expectations on either side that you both cannot meet.

 

I know this is tough to hear and I would like to be wrong, but this is what I am observing over all your postings. Tell me that I am wrong and I will accept it - but think about what I am saying for your own good and also that of your husband.

[compulsivedancer]

We're not getting a divorce. I can finally say that with certainty. Not that we don't have a lot if work to do, or a long way to go, but that constant question is no longer there. Right now we are focused on renovating our house and building our careers and getting our marriage on track so that we can eventually have a family.

[Raven3321]

Raven, I am and always have been, lonely. I seem to have more need for interaction than many, but less ability to make friends and keep them. Since this fall, all of my female friends have been very busy, and less interested in hanging out. Why do you think I spend so much time on here?

 

H is my best friend, but he works opposite hours from me and simply doesn't have enough time. You can't get all your social needs from one person, anyway.

 

Then hubby needs a new job. Trust me, in this economy, having a job at all is difficult as it is. However, nothing....and I mean nothing, is more important than the intimacy between you two. It's more important than a job. Guard it with your life. So if a change in schedule is what's needed, do that. No one gets married to be alone.

 

On another note, you're right. No one person can fulfill you. People need a social network, especially women. I'm going to throw something else in there as well. I don't want to come off as preachy, but all of us, even in fulfilling relationships, come to the realization that there is an even deeper need. You're composed of a body, a soul, and a spirit. The spirit part of you can only be fulfilled by God......nothing else. He made it that way. May I throw out that perhaps that's what you're looking for? Peace, joy, His love filling you is what takes away the loneliness. I'm not saying you haven't but why not try praying to Him? In fact why don't you and CM start praying together. I guarantee, it will bring you closer together as a couple. Just a thought.

[compulsivedancer]

Raven, not interested in God. However, it is true that we're probably not filling the "spiritual" aspect of life.

 

H's job is more than a job. It is his passion and his career. Sometimes it leaves him with a lot of time for me, and sometimes it eats all his time.

[beach]

CD - what's your plan moving forward? Is there a new plan in place for when you do have the desire to check on OM?

 

How can you get more honest with your H about it so that it stops hurting him?

[thummper]

CD didn't you say that you are also a musician? If so, what instrument do you play? or are you a singer?

[compulsivedancer]

No. I do public relations. But sometimes I go to his gigs and take pictures.

[compulsivedancer]

CD - what's your plan moving forward? Is there a new plan in place for when you do have the desire to check on OM?

 

How can you get more honest with your H about it so that it stops hurting him?

 

I just promised I wouldn't do it any more. H says he doesn't want to hear about any emotional struggles I have involving OM.

 

Do you have suggestions?

[anne1707]

Not hearing about the emotional struggles is just burying the problem and allowing it to fester. You need to find a better way of managing this so it is no longer a struggle. You need to take positive action on this CD.

[miguelcervantes]

I just promised I wouldn't do it any more. H says he doesn't want to hear about any emotional struggles I have involving OM.

 

Do you have suggestions?

 

You are still having emotional struggles regarding OM? And your husband doesn't want to get divorced? Incredible!

[road]

I just don't see CD repeating her physical A with OM. I think she is very sincere in her desire to R with CM. But this continual thinking about the OM, well, I just don't know.

 

 

 

Thinking is not breaking NC. Searching for info on the OM is breaking NC.