What does NC mean to you?

[compulsivedancer]

You are still having emotional struggles regarding OM? And your husband doesn't want to get divorced? Incredible!

 

Loveshack, you wear me out sometimes. I am reminded of the poster MMY, who finally fled LS because no matter what he said, he couldn't get it to come out right.

 

The day that I drove past OM's car and came back and confessed to H that I had seen OM's car, he told me that I could deal with that on my own. This is specifically what I'm referring to in this statement.

 

I told him because it felt like I had interacted with OM, even though I didn't actually run into him, even though no interaction had actively occurred. Of course this is going to be a trigger for me. Perhaps at some point, it wouldn't be. But at this point, yes, it still is.

 

Look guys, I'm a person. A real person. Not a textbook case. Not someone in a movie. Obviously a person who has a variety of issues that led me to do something horrible to my husband in search of my own validation and ego-boosts.

 

I can work on things. I can make changes. I can make positive steps. But I don't just stop being me. I can't just turn off things.

 

I am a living breathing person, who feels deeply, who despite my tough, unfeeling exterior, is very sensitive and can be hurt deeply.

 

In addition to the pain of hurting my husband and watching him go through the hardest thing he's ever gone through, I have the pain of being the one who caused it, the pain of realizing that a relationship I thought was real was probably just me being used, the pain of severing an emotional connection, the pain of everybody I know seeing me as a cheater, the pain of working through emotional trauma, the pain of trying to see myself as I really am, the pain of seeing myself through everybody else's eyes, and the pain of alienating my husband.

 

So yes, sometimes I have emotional struggles. And yes, sometimes they involve OM. No, they are not necessarily about my "feelings for" OM. And often when they are, they involve my feelings of hurt in being used, my feelings of anger at how he disregarded his friendship with H, my feelings of revulsion that this person I cared for was not the person I thought he was. There are a lot of feelings wrapped up in my thoughts of him. Just because I am thinking about him does not necessarily mean I'm thinking about the good times.

 

Other times they are about my feelings about myself. Sometimes they are about my loneliness. Often they are about self-doubt and trying to reconcile the belief in myself needed to move forward and better my life with the belief that I am a terrible person who is not moving forward at the pace that everyone seems to think I need to be moving forward at.

 

This has been a crappy weekend. I have been feeling very emotional. Oftentimes, LS is my place to turn when I feel bad. No, it's not a super positive place, but usually it gives me hope that I can move forward and be one of the success stories. And maybe that I can help some people along the way.

 

But I need to remind you that behind this computer screen is a living, breathing, feeling person. That sometimes I seem cold, or unfeeling. But I hurt just like the rest of you.

 

And I am not one of those people who do not care what other people say on LS. Yes, I can often let it role off of me, and I often do appreciate the frank advice. But sometimes I just want to scream I GET IT. STOP. I AM NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. I AM NOT YOUR PUNCHING BAG. etc. Sometimes it is too much.

 

H loves me, and H and I, despite the comments, are making progress and doing better than we ever have. Which is part of why it's so irritating, frustrating, and yes, angering to be told over and over and over and over that divorce is the best option. WE'RE NOT GETTING AND F-ING DIVORCE.

 

If you want to help, tell me some useful ways to improve our relationship. Remind me of some helpful plans to reconnect with H. Help me be a better person. Tearing me down doesn't do that.

[MuddyFootprints]

Hear, hear.

[BetrayedH]

CD, I think many people here have been rooting for you. I also believe it's probably been a very crappy couple of weeks.

 

But I have to say that it was monumentally disappointing to read that you've been secretly cyber-stalker your OM consistently for all this time. Perhaps just as concerning was to hear that your husband questions if you have the internal tools to follow-thru. You've gotten significant reaction here because it is a significant development. Your husband started a thread (a rare occurence) because of it and has been hypervigilant about this since the beginning. You should be crapping your pants. I agreed with Miguel because it is remarkable that your husband did not decide to throw in the towel.

 

I respect that you've felt remorse and that you've stopped. And I feel empathy for your situation and know that you're a real person. I don't blame you for venting since you're in a pressure-cooker. As well, I'm glad that you've now given a better explanation than, I was stupid. That's damn important. I can't say I understand how looking him up resolves the closure issues you seem to have. There seemed to be some truth to road's assertion that this is your drug of choice (even if this wasn't a technical breach of NC). This isn't an old boyfriend; closure is going to have to come from within (or you risk hurting a husband who may be getting impatient).

 

I wrote a post back in July that basically cautioned you to keep vigilant as you enter a second year. I still feel like it applies and fortunately, the rest of your words and actions have grown some trust. Keep building. And I suspect that many people continue to root for you and your husband.

[thummper]

CD, you have an awful lot of friends here who only want the best for you and CM. We luv ya both!

[MuddyFootprints]

BH, would you be so kind as to link me to your second year cautionary post if it is easy for you to find.

[veritas lux mea]

I am sorry I was one of the people who brought it up. I post a lot here without thinking and I am working on that. I post my feelings in the moment and they often change. I actually regretted it but it was too late to edit:(

[aliveagain]

Loveshack, you wear me out sometimes. I am reminded of the poster MMY, who finally fled LS because no matter what he said, he couldn't get it to come out right.

 

The day that I drove past OM's car and came back and confessed to H that I had seen OM's car, he told me that I could deal with that on my own. This is specifically what I'm referring to in this statement.

 

I told him because it felt like I had interacted with OM, even though I didn't actually run into him, even though no interaction had actively occurred. Of course this is going to be a trigger for me. Perhaps at some point, it wouldn't be. But at this point, yes, it still is.

 

Look guys, I'm a person. A real person. Not a textbook case. Not someone in a movie. Obviously a person who has a variety of issues that led me to do something horrible to my husband in search of my own validation and ego-boosts.

 

I can work on things. I can make changes. I can make positive steps. But I don't just stop being me. I can't just turn off things.

 

I am a living breathing person, who feels deeply, who despite my tough, unfeeling exterior, is very sensitive and can be hurt deeply.

 

In addition to the pain of hurting my husband and watching him go through the hardest thing he's ever gone through, I have the pain of being the one who caused it, the pain of realizing that a relationship I thought was real was probably just me being used, the pain of severing an emotional connection, the pain of everybody I know seeing me as a cheater, the pain of working through emotional trauma, the pain of trying to see myself as I really am, the pain of seeing myself through everybody else's eyes, and the pain of alienating my husband.

 

So yes, sometimes I have emotional struggles. And yes, sometimes they involve OM. No, they are not necessarily about my "feelings for" OM. And often when they are, they involve my feelings of hurt in being used, my feelings of anger at how he disregarded his friendship with H, my feelings of revulsion that this person I cared for was not the person I thought he was. There are a lot of feelings wrapped up in my thoughts of him. Just because I am thinking about him does not necessarily mean I'm thinking about the good times.

 

Other times they are about my feelings about myself. Sometimes they are about my loneliness. Often they are about self-doubt and trying to reconcile the belief in myself needed to move forward and better my life with the belief that I am a terrible person who is not moving forward at the pace that everyone seems to think I need to be moving forward at.

 

This has been a crappy weekend. I have been feeling very emotional. Oftentimes, LS is my place to turn when I feel bad. No, it's not a super positive place, but usually it gives me hope that I can move forward and be one of the success stories. And maybe that I can help some people along the way.

 

But I need to remind you that behind this computer screen is a living, breathing, feeling person. That sometimes I seem cold, or unfeeling. But I hurt just like the rest of you.

 

And I am not one of those people who do not care what other people say on LS. Yes, I can often let it role off of me, and I often do appreciate the frank advice. But sometimes I just want to scream I GET IT. STOP. I AM NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. I AM NOT YOUR PUNCHING BAG. etc. Sometimes it is too much.

 

H loves me, and H and I, despite the comments, are making progress and doing better than we ever have. Which is part of why it's so irritating, frustrating, and yes, angering to be told over and over and over and over that divorce is the best option. WE'RE NOT GETTING AND F-ING DIVORCE.

 

If you want to help, tell me some useful ways to improve our relationship. Remind me of some helpful plans to reconnect with H. Help me be a better person. Tearing me down doesn't do that.

 

Here is something constructive, "stop being selfish, stop hurting your husband, commit to your marriage." If I was trying to reconcile with an unfaithful wife and she wrote " the pain of realizing the relationship I thought was real was probably me just being used" I would be wondering what she meant by that statement? A married woman sleeping with her husbands best friend is pissed because the relationship with his friend wasn't real, your husband thought it was real? Do you know how hurtful that statement is to your husband and your reconciliation? That tells me that you would have left your husband if asked to, am I right? Be honest, that's the way I read your comment. CM wrote that you were checking up on O/M regularly about every week, why would you check on someone that disgusts you? I think I wrote that the only time I ever checked on an old girlfriend was because I was thinking of her fondly.

 

You say you want your marriage to CM but you keep doing things that will end it. You write smart but your actions are not. If CM did what you did to him with your best friend, would you have honestly taken him back? If I sound harsh it is only to open your eyes before CM decides you have gone too far and wants out. CM is also a living breathing person and as such can only take so much pain.

[rumbleseat]

Have you and your h tried starting a new hobby together, one that doesn't involve any of your current friends, etc who,may know about the A ?

 

It would give the two of you a new experience together without being " she's the one who cheated on him"

[BHsigh]

CM,

 

I was one of the people that commented on CM's thread, and I consider googling POSOM as a breach of NC, albeit a low level one sided breach. I caught my wife googling her POSOM a few months after DDAY and told her pretty much the same thing that CM told you, next time I am done and gone.

 

My situation is similar to yours, POSOM was a friend, and he was jobless, dropped out of college one semester short of earning a degree and he lives with his grandmother.

 

It is extremely tough trying to figure out why she was willing to destroy our marriage with a low level POS like him, and it hit me hard and destroyed my self esteem. How crappy was I that this piece of trash could lure her away from our 10+ year relationship?

 

You really need to make POSOM a non person in your mind. Don't miss him, don't hate him, nothing, he needs to not exist in your mind at all. Just the fact that over a year after dday he's still that strongly on your mind is a bad sign. It looks like a false R to me, and I would think the same if it was my wife doing this.

 

You need to focus on you and CM and your marriage, POSOM shouldn't enter any of this to you anymore, get him off of your mind.

[BetrayedH]

BH, would you be so kind as to link me to your second year cautionary post if it is easy for you to find.

 

Post #32 in this thread

[janedoe67]

Have you and your h tried starting a new hobby together, one that doesn't involve any of your current friends, etc who,may know about the A ?

 

It would give the two of you a new experience together without being " she's the one who cheated on him"

 

 

This is very very good advice. Looking back, one of the things that really sucked the life out of both of us way back when was that everyone we interacted with knew the whole story, and it was impossible even to talk about topics like marriage, etc. because you just KNEW.....and maybe, yeah, a WS deserves that forever, but the marriage doesn't. You can't move forward when your entire environment is now defined by the A.

 

That is another reason that exposing to every person with whom you ever stood in line at Wal Mart is one of the stupidest not-what-Harley-ever-intended freakish permutations ever to come down the pike.

[rumbleseat]

This is very very good advice. Looking back, one of the things that really sucked the life out of both of us way back when was that everyone we interacted with knew the whole story, and it was impossible even to talk about topics like marriage, etc. because you just KNEW.....and maybe, yeah, a WS deserves that forever, but the marriage doesn't. You can't move forward when your entire environment is now defined by the A.

 

That is another reason that exposing to every person with whom you ever stood in line at Wal Mart is one of the stupidest not-what-Harley-ever-intended freakish permutations ever to come down the pike.

 

It's hard for the bs too. It really is depressing when you go out with your friends and you are wondering if they are talking about you behind your back, pitying you with their eyes shooting daggers at your spouse.

 

It can put the R couple into a cycle of sadness that is hard to break.

[Zenstudent]

One constructive piece of advice. Keep your eyes on the ball, all the time, in everything you do, who do you want to be?

[Bittersweetie]

CD, one of the things I struggled with in the second year was being all in. I loved my H and wanted to stay with him but I kept a small part of me back. I kept that part in case he decided to leave. But then I realized that we wouldn't get through this unless we were both all in. And I couldn't control my H, but I could control me. So I decided the heck with the small piece and went all in. It was scary but I am so glad I did it...it was a turning point for our reconciliation.

 

The reason I bring this up is I wonder if you are holding a small part back too, in case your H changes his mind. And this small part is what's being fed by the internet searches and whatever. Just a thought.

 

I am sending you and CM positive thoughts. Good luck!

[Spark1111]

All good advice here, CD......

 

I think you are working hard to deal with the affair and reconciling.

 

But maybe more work needs to be done on WHY you had the affair.

 

If seeking out the OM is your answer to boredom and loneliness, than STOP making excuses that your GFs are busy and your H works nights.

 

What are you doing for yourself to feel less lonely and less bored?

 

because surely you understand how insulting and disrespectful that is to your BS. how would you feel if he was perusing his old GFs Social media sites for closure?

 

that's horsepucky and you know it.

 

Don't do it!

 

Both of you need a plan to excite your lives. together is best. Make one to get out of your collective rut.

[miguelcervantes]

OK I want to apologise to you CD for making you feel bad and causing you distress. Its just that I was looking at this from the other side (your husbands side) of the fence.

 

I would like to state what I saw and also, where I might have been wrong.

 

What I saw (and I promise this is the last time I will be brutal): a woman who after a brief discussion about opening up the marriage (which husband did not seem to be serious about and in the end tried to stop), encouraged him to push through so that she could sleep with someone who she not only fancied but was also his best friend. This to me would have been unforgivable to start with. Also a woman who when she was outed, not only refused to see just how much of a scumbag this POSOM ("best friend") was but also continued to wonder if she did the right thing by breaking it off with him and continued to "stalk" him. This not only didn't make any remorse shown genuine, but also suggested that she was not over him - which made me question her love for her husband. Every post that you made that supported these theories made me convinced that the best thing for you two was divorce. Thats what I saw.

 

Now where I appear to be wrong: You seem to genuinely be in pain over this and explained in your last post just how frail and human we all can be. I was wrong to assume that you were not genuinely remorseful and I was wrong to doubt your love for your husband. It would seem to me that this has made you (if not your husband entirely yet) more aware of your love and respect for him as a person which is great. So once again, I apologise for getting this wrong and causing you distress.

 

Now for my 2 cents worth of advice: others have already told you that you need to completely forget about the OM. I will go further and say you need to do two things to strengthen yourself first (forget about your husband for just a moment):

 

The first is really see the OM for who he is: how could anyone respect or love a man that would do this to his best friend? He is a scumbag and the sooner you internalise this the stronger you will be as a person. In order to do this without feeling guilty about yourself (after all you were the other half of this affair and also knew about the situation), you have to do the second thing.

 

This is that you must come to terms with why you did it without blame shifting, rewriting history etc. and own it and then, you must forgive yourself and focus on your husband - only then can you show true remorse and again become a stronger person.

 

Both of the above, regardless of whether your husband stays with you or not.

 

OK thats my 2 cents over and you will not hear negative stuff from me anymore.

[Clay]

I think I would go back and read his latest thread. He stated he found you were still looking up the OM. I would stop that all together if you are really serious about being with your H. I can't imagine having to find that after all this time working on things. I don't see your Marriage lasting if you continue to do that.

 

Clay

[2sunny]

I think I would go back and read his latest thread. He stated he found you were still looking up the OM. I would stop that all together if you are really serious about being with your H. I can't imagine having to find that after all this time working on things. I don't see your Marriage lasting if you continue to do that.

 

Clay

 

I agree - his hurt is laid out in that thread.

 

Looking into your OM's life occasionally has hurt him even further.

 

What have you changed that distances yourself from wondering about OM?

 

And what are you now doing to repair the trust that you have broken (even recently)?

 

What are you changing?

[tom670]

Here is your husbands thread he says you've been looking up the om quite often

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/460937-ww-still-stalking-om-online

[Arvin_Solheim]

I'm just baffled by the fact that how did he forgive you? I mean it was not like you slept with a stranger.....it was his friend, I would've turned both your worlds upside down if something like this happened to me.....but.....He did forgive you; I did read the other thread and believe that the first step is stop stalking the other guy online - your husband is too understanding! don't take advantage of it! you already did it once....

[2sunny]

If every word, action and inaction isn't designed to repair that damage you caused - then you're still not participating in a way that shows him in every way - that HE is your only priority, top priority!

 

 

Even wondering what the OM is doing, much less searching him out, is detrimental to the recovery your M needs.

 

 

Sending people to another thread when you could simply answer honestly a simple question shows that you will avoid being completely honest.

 

Without honesty - there is no foundation for the M to get back on track.

 

 

If you need to check on OM THAT badly (that knowing it will hurt your H) yet you did do it...if you need that, then D your H to spare him further hurt and pain.

[compulsivedancer]

(my response got moved while I was writing it)

Edited March 18, 2014 by compulsivedancer
moot: my response got moved while I was writing it

[beach]

That's ok - you can answer now.

 

Are you still looking up your OM in the past month or so?

 

What specifically are you doing to repair the damage you've caused?

[compulsivedancer]

That's ok - you can answer now.

 

Are you still looking up your OM in the past month or so? No

 

What specifically are you doing to repair the damage you've caused?

 

I'm not sure what there is to do to repair it or make it up. But as far as thinking about OM:

 

I have a photo on Facebook that is an absolutely wonderful photo of me and H. H is holding my baby niece and looks so perfect and I am in the background with a really genuine smile on my face. It is the most recent photo on my Facebook.

 

When I have the urge to look up OM, instead, I look at that photo and think about the man I married, and how much I love him and want to see him holding MY child in a photo like that. It pretty much kills any interest I would ever have in seeing OM again.

 

It reminds me of all the things I love about H and all the things we are working towards together.

[compulsivedancer]

Sending people to another thread when you could simply answer honestly a simple question shows that you will avoid being completely honest.

 

Obviously people are very interested in this topic. And I understand. Since I haven't posted much lately, it is one of the more recent topics on LS for me.

 

But IRL, it no longer feels very relevant. Instead, it is a distraction from the question I need answered in the other thread. That is far more important to me at the moment, as this issue is over and done with now.

 

The issue now is how do we conquer "Year 2" of reconciliation, which I've heard said is often harder than year 1.

 

The problem is this isn't a "simple question" and there's no "simply answer honestly" on LS. There is conversation. Discussion. (Yelling?) Whatever ensues, it distracts from the thread I posted today. I've seen many threads with interesting questions and answers completed derailed by simple questions.