What rules did you or do you have in your relationship?

[Lady2163]

This is my first post, I'm a little shaky on all the abbreviations here.

 

I wondered what rules official or unofficial you had?

 

Two come to mind for me...

 

1. He MUST call me the day after we have been intimate.

2. No money ever changes hands.

 

Number two is a limit for me and I think it genuinely bothers him that I won't accept gas money or let him pay a portion of the hotel.

[MissBee]

We didn't talk about any rules....but I suppose there were certain unwritten codes we followed without having to actually speak about it.

 

The one thing I can think of was that although I could call and text at any time of day or night, as they didn't live together, when he did go to see her on weekends, he'd pretty much say it in code form, and I got to know that it meant he was seeing her and essentially I wasn't to call or I was to know even if I did and he didn't respond, that was why. We never talked about this, it just developed without saying.

[sadwithouthim]

My EA of 4 1/2 years and I didn't really have rules. Our time had dwindled through the years (my husband started spying). Towards the end (for the last year really), I could only speak to/email him from work. I would email him when I arrived to work each day and we would talk on my lunchtime (I work alone).

 

We never gave each other money for anything. I did ask him to fly here to meet me (we never met in person), and I would pay for everything, but he declined. It could have gotten more complicated at that point, and we didn't want to end up on bad terms.

[whereamigoing]

We had some explicit rules and some implied. I was adamant about no "mistress" gifts like lingerie, jewelry, etc. Nothing ever happened in his/their house (they lived separately) ever. Initially he told me he'd never leave and I said I'd never ask, ever. He would not take phone calls from her while with me, similarly, I wouldn't call him when I knew they were together. I'm sure there were others but it's been a while.

[Baby123]

During my short A I don't know if we discussed rules, but one way or another we both knew limited contact on evenings and weekends, he would reply to messages but just slower and he knew I had to get a good night message.

 

During work days we'd call and text all day and see eachother maybe once a week maybe once every 10 days... I hated this.

 

In regards to money, I never minded MM helping me out or buying me extravagant gifts, because hes never wanted me to go without and I've never wanted to go without. It never made me feel cheap or used. Now hes left his M the same goes and I know if we broke up he would still be there if I needed anything.

[cocorico]

My rules:

 

* total respect, total honesty, total consideration between us.

* that he be available when I wanted him.

* that she not exist to us - that she be his problem insofar as she was at all material; that she not impinge on our R, or my life, in any way.

* that it continue only as long as we both wanted it to. No obligation, no duty - that we were there because we wanted to be.

[affairaddict]

No rules. They were unspoken but obvious. No contacting me when I'm on a date. he would not be available weekends and evenings he wasn't working. So never bothered to contact him then. I knew all his shifts and when he was at home.

Bloody cheek coming back as soon as he steps out the door Monday from the weekend. I hate him today. Selfish prck

[LilGirlandOW]

We have one rule:

 

-sexual exclusivity to eachother..... his rule and incl's with his BS.

 

Aside from that there arn't any, we contact eachother at any/all times,etc.

[hippetyhop]

The biggest for him and I was for me not to call him when he was home. I figured that from the getgo. Other than that, complete honesty if I was going out with another guy (which I didn't).

[cocorico]

Out of interest, how many people experienced "the rules" symmetrically, as in, the rules applied equally to both of them, and how many felt that "the rules" shifted power toward one person more than the other - and toward which person?

[canuckprincess]

Our only rule is complete honesty about everything. I have caught him in a couple of little lies but I believe he felt he had to lie to keep me. Can't really fault him for loving me and not wanting to lose me. I'm a smart woman I'm sure there are plenty more little white lies I just can't prove them yet.

[hippetyhop]

Out of interest, how many people experienced "the rules" symmetrically, as in, the rules applied equally to both of them, and how many felt that "the rules" shifted power toward one person more than the other - and toward which person?

 

Very good question.

 

It was mostly one sided. I never called him after work hours. Even if I wanted to get a hold of him during work hours, I'd shoot him a text first to see if he could chit chat. On the other hand, he called me no matter what time it was or what I was doing.

 

I think to myself..have fun finding another AP who'd tolerate that.

[Goodbye]

We never had "rules." We fell back into the model from our prior relationship of many years ago. At the time it all seemed very "normal," only long distance. I had a rule of monogamy, which, looking back is laughable. He did the usual claiming to be in a sexless marriage and claimed even to be separated.

[LilGirlandOW]

Very good question.

 

It was mostly one sided. I never called him after work hours. Even if I wanted to get a hold of him during work hours, I'd shoot him a text first to see if he could chit chat. On the other hand, he called me no matter what time it was or what I was doing.

 

I think to myself..have fun finding another AP who'd tolerate that.

 

I think the same thing about the exclusivity thing. He takes our only rule very seriously as do I, as I've always been overly cautious of my sexual health. Although I think the rule was implemented as a control factor,,,, looking back.

[LilGirlandOW]

Also to add, he bought me a cute lil bear a long time ago, which was meant to keep me company when he couldnt be with me (some men dont really understand a womans needs!!). So the stuffie combined with text/call anytime and he feels that should be enough to make me not so lonely when we're apart and justify the exclusivity

[hippetyhop]

I think the same thing about the exclusivity thing. He takes our only rule very seriously as do I, as I've always been overly cautious of my sexual health. Although I think the rule was implemented as a control factor,,,, looking back.

 

I'm not sure if he used it as a control factor on me. If I texted him and home that I need to talk to him for a few minutes, he'd make it possible.

[Goodbye]

Also to add, he bought me a cute lil bear a long time ago, which was meant to keep me company when he couldnt be with me (some men dont really understand a womans needs!!). So the stuffie combined with text/call anytime and he feels that should be enough to make me not so lonely when we're apart and justify the exclusivity

 

 

 

Hmm, I can't decide if I think the bear thing is cute or disturbing.

[Pierre]

 

1. He MUST call me the day after we have been intimate.

 

Wow! He should call you no matter what. Don't aim so low.

 

 

 

2. No money ever changes hands.

 

 

Number two is a limit for me and I think it genuinely bothers him that I won't accept gas money or let him pay a portion of the hotel.

 

Is this to avoid a d-day? This guy has it made. Not even a portion of the hotel bill? Sorry, but I think this is way to degrading. As a man I always have to pay. I would feel awful to take money from a woman. Your guy is suspect, probably not a true gentlemen.

[Lady2163]

Pierre -

 

I have two favorite teams in baseball, the Boston Red Sox and whomever is playing the Yankees that day. So, by your icon alone, I already have much regard for you.

 

My married friend is a pretty straight up on the level guy. I've been around the block and he is definitely not the norm. Our usual scenario is that we spend 2-3 hours together, then he goes home. That night, he sleeps in a queen sized bed with his wife. He wakes up in the night for a bathroom call and tortures himself with the "why am I doing this?" talk. He has no addictions, not caffeine, gambling, nicotine, chocolate...I do believe it rankles him that his hard penis has no conscience. All other temptations he is able to keep at bay.

 

So, the first few times of not talking the next day, really bugged me. I finally told him, "I can't say anything to make you feel less guilty, but for my own self-worth, you HAVE to call the next day...no matter what."

 

There are times of the year when he truly is slammed. My dad worked in the same field, i know what it entails. He only lives a five minute drive from work to home, so even calling then is not much of an option.

 

Rule number 2 is a matter of pride for me. It may be six of one, half a dozen to you, but he makes up for it in gift cards. "I thought you might like to try this restaurant while you're here.". Plus, through his work skills, there are some things he can do for me for free that would normally cost me. While this isn't work related for him, next time we get together he is updating my GPS. That saves me buying a connector cable and whatever the charge is.

[Pierre]

Pierre -

 

I have two favorite teams in baseball, the Boston Red Sox and whomever is playing the Yankees that day. So, by your icon alone, I already have much regard for you.

 

My married friend is a pretty straight up on the level guy. I've been around the block and he is definitely not the norm. Our usual scenario is that we spend 2-3 hours together, then he goes home. That night, he sleeps in a queen sized bed with his wife. He wakes up in the night for a bathroom call and tortures himself with the "why am I doing this?" talk. He has no addictions, not caffeine, gambling, nicotine, chocolate...I do believe it rankles him that his hard penis has no conscience. All other temptations he is able to keep at bay.

 

So, the first few times of not talking the next day, really bugged me. I finally told him, "I can't say anything to make you feel less guilty, but for my own self-worth, you HAVE to call the next day...no matter what."

 

There are times of the year when he truly is slammed. My dad worked in the same field, i know what it entails. He only lives a five minute drive from work to home, so even calling then is not much of an option.

 

Rule number 2 is a matter of pride for me. It may be six of one, half a dozen to you, but he makes up for it in gift cards. "I thought you might like to try this restaurant while you're here.". Plus, through his work skills, there are some things he can do for me for free that would normally cost me. While this isn't work related for him, next time we get together he is updating my GPS. That saves me buying a connector cable and whatever the charge is.

 

I am going to Fenway for my 3rd game this year next month!

 

I am very old school. I cannot let a woman pay. But, I see your point.

 

His guilt means he is a good person.

[Lady2163]

I lived in Massachusetts for six years, that's when I became a fan. Never made it to a game. My goal is next year to see them when they play in my region.

 

On a different topic, the whole teddy bear issue...I just automatically assumed it was a "Little" type of relationship. I know it's hard to have an open mind and attitude, but in the fetish world, in the bdsm world there is often a "littles" relationship. Woman (sometimes known as daughter) wants a man ( sometimes known as daddy) to take care of them an spoil not just them, but their inner child. It may make you vomit a little in your mouth at the implications, but different people have different wants and needs. Live and let live.

[LilGirlandOW]

I thought the teddy thing was cute But I can understand how it can come across as "creepy" depending on how you look at it. lol.

 

P.S. I dont call him daddy, lmao. But I am his little girl

[GorillaTheater]

I've got to imagine that "no hickeys" would likely be on the list.

[hippetyhop]

I've got to imagine that "no hickeys" would likely be on the list.

 

He would say they were okay as long as they were "below the belt".

[2sure]

It's been awhile since I was OW , but I can't think of any rules we had. I'm certain there were unspoken ones given the circumstances but none that were "rules". I accepted many gifts. I had no problem with that , it made him feel good to give me things I guess. He gave his wife gifts, he gave me gifts. He paid the mortgage on their house , paid off the one on my condo. He had guilt I'm sure for not completely being with either of us.

 

Also, since I was single, he felt the gifts, vacations were something he could do for me since there were other things that an unmarried partner would do tht he couldn't . All nice gestures.