Other men and other women - are you ever worried

[Lady2163]

Of what the betrayed spouse could or would do to you if you were caught?

 

I don't worry about violence from the current BS. I did many years ago when I dipped my toe into the swinging world and there were men who were cheating. Über casual sex with someone you don't know...if he got caught, he'd sell me up the river and if she's a psycho, she's on my doorstep with a gun.

 

I have some mild concern about the embarrassment and fallout of some of the law suits that have occurred - I think they call them alienation of affection or something.

 

My biggest worry is the family connection. His wife is friends with my distant relative (which is how we met, at a family/friends celebration). One call to distant relative will produce a call to my mother, which will make it a total living hell for me. It doesn't matter that I'm single and in my 40's.

[cocorico]

Of what the betrayed spouse could or would do to you if you were caught?

 

I don't worry about violence from the current BS. I did many years ago when I dipped my toe into the swinging world and there were men who were cheating. Über casual sex with someone you don't know...if he got caught, he'd sell me up the river and if she's a psycho, she's on my doorstep with a gun.

 

I have some mild concern about the embarrassment and fallout of some of the law suits that have occurred - I think they call them alienation of affection or something.

 

My biggest worry is the family connection. His wife is friends with my distant relative (which is how we met, at a family/friends celebration). One call to distant relative will produce a call to my mother, which will make it a total living hell for me. It doesn't matter that I'm single and in my 40's.

 

I guess this is why it pays to keep aspects of your life separate. Even without the A dimension, a R that goes awry can have fallout if it involves family, friends or your workplace. I hope you are able to navigate this successfully.

 

I wasn't afraid of what the BW might have done *to me* - she was on a different continent, and though we all worked in the same field, her work was in a fringe area not taken very seriously by the mainstream so she would not have had access to anyone with any real influence..

 

But she has "emotional problems" and there was a real risk that she could harm herself, or someone else. (She had physically attacked him in front of the kids before, long before the A.)

[Goodbye]

No, that isn't something I worried about. I seriously doubt the BS in my case would even contact me, nonetheless create havoc. She has her lovely lying H to micromanage her and tell her how perfect her life is.

[Pierre]

Of what the betrayed spouse could or would do to you if you were caught?

 

I don't worry about violence from the current BS. I did many years ago when I dipped my toe into the swinging world and there were men who were cheating. Über casual sex with someone you don't know...if he got caught, he'd sell me up the river and if she's a psycho, she's on my doorstep with a gun.

 

I have some mild concern about the embarrassment and fallout of some of the law suits that have occurred - I think they call them alienation of affection or something.

 

My biggest worry is the family connection. His wife is friends with my distant relative (which is how we met, at a family/friends celebration). One call to distant relative will produce a call to my mother, which will make it a total living hell for me. It doesn't matter that I'm single and in my 40's.

 

Wow!

 

 

It is refreshing to find an AP that actually thinks.

 

Yes, affairs can have serious consequences and I am glad you actually considered these.

 

 

I am always amused when an AP is surprised by the fallout of d-day. But, as I said before it takes a lot of naive thinking to enter into these EMRs.

[goingdown]

I never worried about it but I should have. She isn't doing anything to me but she is making my man suffer.

[hippetyhop]

I never worried about the BS contacting me in any manner. He was very good at hiding me. Yes, she could have looked at phone records and called, however, he used his personal phone for work related calls as well. It would take a lot for her to call every number (but I'm not saying she wouldn't do it, or it has never been done with BS in the past).

 

Unless I told her, there would be no discovery of me.

[Owl]

On d-day, when I learned about my wife's EA, OM wasn't concerned at all. He thought it was 'cute' that she was concerned, but was convinced he could "take care of himself".

 

My wife, however, was nearly frantic with worry about what I might do, or have done to OM....and frankly, rightfully so. He (foolishly) assumed I'd just show up at his doorstep wanting to fight, if I decided to take action against him. My wife knew me a lot better than that, and was (for a short time) very, very afraid I'd decide to 'deal' with him.

 

Luckily, I came to my senses relatively quickly and realized none of that would do my kids any good...and opted not to take action against him. He, wisely enough, also was smart enough to stay out of the picture once it became clear we were reconciling.

[Pierre]

A recent poster former OW got thrown under the bus. The BW made her lose her job. She was bitter!

[hippetyhop]

A recent poster former OW got thrown under the bus. The BW made her lose her job. She was bitter!

 

Yikes! I'm glad I got out when I did!

[Got it]

Of what the betrayed spouse could or would do to you if you were caught?

 

I don't worry about violence from the current BS. I did many years ago when I dipped my toe into the swinging world and there were men who were cheating. Über casual sex with someone you don't know...if he got caught, he'd sell me up the river and if she's a psycho, she's on my doorstep with a gun.

 

I have some mild concern about the embarrassment and fallout of some of the law suits that have occurred - I think they call them alienation of affection or something.

 

My biggest worry is the family connection. His wife is friends with my distant relative (which is how we met, at a family/friends celebration). One call to distant relative will produce a call to my mother, which will make it a total living hell for me. It doesn't matter that I'm single and in my 40's.

 

No, not terribly. I knew my rights, I thought through the worse case scenarios to be aware of them and mitigate issues, and settled on what most likely would happen (which did after dday).

 

Every situation is different. I knew the risks and I accepted them.

[cocorico]

No, not terribly. I knew my rights, I thought through the worse case scenarios to be aware of them and mitigate issues, and settled on what most likely would happen (which did after dday).

 

Every situation is different. I knew the risks and I accepted them.

 

I think that's what most of us do / did. There is no point awfulising if the risks are low, and if they're high, then forewarned is forearmed.

[Pierre]

I think it is extremely naive to have sex with the H of another woman and not expect some reaction.

 

 

There are women that discovered the EMR when they were diagnosed with HPV induced cervical cancer. That is a major intrusion into her life.

[cocorico]

I think it is extremely naive to have sex with the H of another woman and not expect some reaction.

 

 

There are women that discovered the EMR when they were diagnosed with HPV induced cervical cancer. That is a major intrusion into her life.

 

If I was a walking bag of STIs I would take that into consideration. I'm sure those OW who practise indiscriminate unsafe sex, and those MMs who do likewise, will take note of that caution. For the vast majority on LS, though, I have no doubt that worrying about a terminally ill BW with nothing to lose shooting up their neighbourhood is not going to keep them awake at night.

Edited July 25, 2013 by cocorico

[Got it]

Who doesn't expect a reaction???

 

Or expecting and fearing the doomsday, Jerry Springer, Cops marathon response that is gossiped about here as if it is common day? :laugh:

 

That expectation?

[HopingAgain]

RevolutionaryRoad, that all sounds great and very convincing. But when dealing with emotions, matters of the heart, and being betrayed, all logic flies out of the window. This is truly an area of life where a person has to proceed knowing that they are at risk for an uncontrollable amount of vengeance.

[Effy149]

I'm afraid she will tell all of our mutual friends and classmates. He has a good guy reputation and I worry people will think I seduced him and place all the blame on me, when he was the one who started it.

[Pierre]

This is a case of the punishment not fitting the crime. I am 1000% against this. There is no way in hell anyone is going to convince me that making someone lose a steady paycheck, i.e. food in their kids bellies and a roof over their head, is the right punishment for an affair.

 

I wish i remember the name of the poster. I do know she was single, but she lost her job because of the affair.

 

 

As you said, it is unfair, but many corporations fire people for doing adultery. It is just a risk that some take. You have an OW hat, no doubt.

 

When are you going to investigate your H? I suspect, he has an OW. I keep saying this and you ignore the facts.

 

 

Lets say, the OW is his secretary. You she lose her job? Or should she continue as his secretary?

[underwater2010]

This is a case of the punishment not fitting the crime. I am 1000% against this. There is no way in hell anyone is going to convince me that making someone lose a steady paycheck, i.e. food in their kids bellies and a roof over their head, is the right punishment for an affair. This is merely a case of mental maladjustment on the part of the BS. You should not care that much about being betrayed by someone who has proven themselves to be an a*hole. You should just get the hell out.

 

However, I will say that the consequences from the BS are a major part of why I ended my A. It is like being a woman in Saudia Arabia and avoiding premarital sex. You have to know the society you live in. And the current vogue about Dealing with affairs is way over-the-top. It's positively medieval, in my book.

 

I have been cheated on numerous times. It has never once occurred to me to be mad at the other woman. Jealous, yes. Betrayed, yes. Disappointed, yes But I've only ever reserved my rage for the person betraying me that was supposed to be my lover..

 

In fact, in my entire life I have only seen two women ever "throw themselves" at a man. 95% of the time I have only ever seen men pursuing women. I used to work in an industry where I saw a lot of couples out. I would always see the men hitting on their waitresses or on other women behind their wives backs, never, ever, ever, the other way around. I have even pulled a woman off of my H ----she was a vice president at the place he works and it was a company ball. She was drunk and dancing up on him in a way that was obvious and provocative. I almost felt bad for her. Of course she threw herself at him, he's hot. When I pulled them apart, I turned to her and said, just once "oh, no you don't," Which, in my mind was sufficient, because, honestly, I can't control this. I can only say "oh no you don't (in front of me...). Once I did that I laid into him, for allowing it.

 

I've said this before, and I'll say it again: like most cases in life where there is major hurt, you have to get a grip. You are entitled to some hurt, some rage, and some retribution. But you are not entitled to have it all. Sometimes you are the bug, and sometimes you are the windshield. That's life. An affair is simply a love triangle. When someone is cheating on you, they are momentarily preferring someone else to you (and When he goes home, the MM is preferring his W to his OW.) You can't rage about being not-preferred. It's called rejection. You are supposed to slink away. That is the nature of rejection. You can reject somebody back, or you can take them back. It is entirely up to you. But what you can't do, is indulge yourself indefinitely in an orgy of vengeance and heal yourself by destroying others. In my mind, that makes you a very bad, bad person.

 

This point is not up for debate, as far as I'm concerned.

Sounds great for those living in La La land. But the reality is that when someone is burned they tend to burn you right back. The degree of the burn is up to them.

 

I held back a lot of what I could have done to my FWH's MOW. All I did was out her to her BH...which lead to the discovery of more affairs on her part. But I could have and still could do much worse.

 

Regardless if the OW/MOW/OM/MOM feel they deserve to be "punished" or not...when you play with fire you stand a chance of getting burned. You never know how crazy a BS can be, right?

[happy stillmore]

Revolutionary,

The xBS won in my case. She never blamed her husband, my xMM. I somehow had magical powers over him and forced him to contact me when we broke it off the first time. She called me, left messages on my VM about how how I am breaking up their family, how her daughters cry at night (youngest in college). Once she left a message for me to call, if I didn't return her call in 10 minutes she was going to call my house and tell my H everything (which he already knew). Stupid me, I called her only to have her 22 year old daughter pick up the phone and swear at me, calling me every name in the book. The daughter's anger at me is partly why I broke it off with XMM. I couldn't imagine living with that stress of controlling that anger towards me. His daughters would have hated me for life. Really, why did the xBS do that? Have the daughter pick up the phone? To make a point that I was destroying their family. She did it on purpose because she didn't have the guts to say it to me herself. XBS called my sister so I knew she would easily call my family. To me, I still do not want to disappoint my family, my children, my Dad. The xBS was very passive-aggressive. She wanted xMM to always see her in a good light. She told him she would make his life with me possible because she wanted him to be happy, blah blah. I knew she was lying all along. Yet, she never allowed him to text me or leave the house alone. Drove him to work, picked him up from work, packed his lunch, etc. He only left the house on weekends with her in tow when doing errands. I finally threw in the towel when he refused to stand up to her and fight for us. Stand up and stop abiding by her rules. She used the best ammo you can find to keep him there, children and debt. She made him feel such guilt for hurting his family. He blamed himself for the messes his girls got into (quiting college, depression, quiting jobs). xMM did not make enough to support himself and his income was needed to help pay the large debt they had. In the end, our love wasn't enough. He didn't do what he needed to do. Work his butt off to be able to leave. I told him in one of my last texts, xBS will mother him to the end of his days. Oh, I also told him to try not to think of how he played with my heart in those quiet moments after the girls move out and it is just him and xBS. I even commended xBS on her perseverance. She played all of her cards and won. I don't blame her. I keep telling myself, what did she really win? She won a husband who she may never fully trust again even if he is 100% committed to the marriage. Or if there is a part of him that still loves me, she will have a sad husband. I'm moving on to bigger and better things. The only relationships I will ever be in is one built on trust and is free to love.

Edited July 25, 2013 by happy stillmore

[ladydesigner]

This is a case of the punishment not fitting the crime. I am 1000% against this. There is no way in hell anyone is going to convince me that making someone lose a steady paycheck, i.e. food in their kids bellies and a roof over their head, is the right punishment for an affair. This is merely a case of mental maladjustment on the part of the BS. You should not care that much about being betrayed by someone who has proven themselves to be an a*hole. You should just get the hell out.

 

 

Well I am a BS and my WH was MOW employer. The consequence was losing her job as I would not tolerate being M to him if he were still her boss. He fired her and took the risk a possible sexual harassment lawsuit. MOW has a young daughter and a now ExH. As far as I'm concerned, if you are willing to take the risk then you have top be prepared for the consequences whatever that may be.

 

Also I never raged at the MOW until she started toying with my head too then it was on, we both got nasty. I never thought I could be so crazy until this A. You never know how you will react in a situation that produces such volatile emotions. I'm not going to beat myself up for having extreme emotions, it actually is part of the process of grief and most if not all BS's are grieving their M or what it was and will never be again.

 

I agree with whoever said if you stick your hands in the fire you may get burned.

[ladydesigner]

Revolutionary,

The xBS won in my case. She never blamed her husband, my xMM. I somehow had magical powers over him and forced him to contact me when we broke it off the first time. She called me, left messages on my VM about how how I am breaking up their family, how her daughters cry at night (youngest in college). Once she left a message for me to call, if I didn't return her call in 10 minutes she was going to call my house and tell my H everything (which he already knew). Stupid me, I called her only to have her 22 year old daughter pick up the phone and swear at me, calling me every name in the book. The daughter's anger at me is partly why I broke it off with XMM. I couldn't imagine living with that stress of controlling that anger towards me. His daughters would have hated me for life. Really, why did the xBS do that? Have the daughter pick up the phone? To make a point that I was destroying their family. She did it on purpose because she didn't have the guts to say it to me herself. XBS called my sister so I knew she would easily call my family. To me, I still do not want to disappoint my family, my children, my Dad. The xBS was very passive-aggressive. She wanted xMM to always see her in a good light. She told him she would make his life with me possible because she wanted him to be happy, blah blah. I knew she was lying all along. Yet, she never allowed him to text me or leave the house alone. Drove him to work, picked him up from work, packed his lunch, etc. He only left the house on weekends with her in tow when doing errands. I finally threw in the towel when he refused to stand up to her and fight for us. Stand up and stop abiding by her rules. She used the best ammo you can find to keep him there, children and debt. She made him feel such guilt for hurting his family. He blamed himself for the messes his girls got into (quiting college, depression, quiting jobs). xMM did not make enough to support himself and his income was needed to help pay the large debt they had. In the end, our love wasn't enough. He didn't do what he needed to do. Work his butt off to be able to leave. I told him in one of my last texts, xBS will mother him to the end of his days. Oh, I also told him to try not to think of how he played with my heart in those quiet moments after the girls move out and it is just him and xBS. I even commended xBS on her perseverance. She played all of her cards and won. I don't blame her. I keep telling myself, what did she really win? She won a husband who she may never fully trust again even if he is 100% committed to the marriage. Or if there is a part of him that still loves me, she will have a sad husband. I'm moving on to bigger and better things. The only relationships I will ever be in is one built on trust and is free to love.

 

Wow you sound very bitter. The BS did nothing to you. You did in fact threaten her family. This is how I felt too. I thought my WH and MOW were ripping my family apart. When I realized there was nothing I could do to stop it I told him to go and go be with her. I was filing for D that week. How do you know she never blamed her husband? How could she not? If she felt anger towards you for ripping her family apart then she must also feel it towards him as well.

[Pierre]

Revolutionary,

The xBS won in my case. She never blamed her husband, my xMM. I somehow had magical powers over him

 

 

The magical powers of BWs are awesome too.

 

 

 

I called her only to have her 22 year old daughter pick up the phone and swear at me, calling me every name in the book. The daughter's anger at me is partly why I broke it off with XMM. I couldn't imagine living with that stress of controlling that anger towards me. His daughters would have hated me for life. Really, why did the xBS do that? Have the daughter pick up the phone? To make a point that I was destroying their family. She did it on purpose because she didn't have the guts to say it to me herself.

 

I think that the pain, destruction, and anger of the daughter were quite real.

 

 

Yet, she never allowed him to text me or leave the house alone. Drove him to work, picked him up from work, packed his lunch, etc. He only left the house on weekends with her in tow when doing errands. I finally threw in the towel when he refused to stand up to her and fight for us.

 

Your guy was simply doing this because he wanted to.

 

She made him feel such guilt for hurting his family. He blamed himself for the messes his girls got into (quiting college, depression, quiting jobs).

 

I don't think you can induce guilt into someone that does not feel guilt. The realization of guilt is personal.

 

I also told him to try not to think of how he played with my heart in those quiet moments after the girls move out and it is just him and xBS. I even commended xBS on her perseverance. She played all of her cards and won. I don't blame her.

 

He picked her. There was no magic.

 

His love for you was love in the affair bubble. How many times do i have to explain this.

[Journee]

If I was a walking bag of STIs I would take that into consideration. I'm sure those OW who practise indiscriminate unsafe sex, and those MMs who do likewise, will take note of that caution. For the vast majority on LS, though, I have no doubt that worrying about a terminally ill BW with nothing to lose shooting up their neighbourhood is not going to keep them awake at night.

 

You know the scariest thing about HPV causative cancers is that there really isn't a way to trace it ,the HPV. No way to know when it was contracted or who from. No way to know when it will pop up or how long it will take your body to fight the virus off. If cell mutations will take place or not. One could contract the virus ten years ago abd and still not have it be active enough to cause concern. The thing about sex with someone who may or may not be having sex with their spouse is that at some point they did have sex. The risk for infection and contraction can still be there years down the line. No one is safe when any kind of sex is being had. There is just as much risk to the AP from sex had with the MP's spouse... whether it was years ago or months ago.

 

Now that is scary stuff. I have had three colposcopies and two biopsies since my daughter was born almost eight months ago. They found precancerous lesions during my husband's affair. OW was not concerned about her health. My H wasn't concerned about his. You can bet your bottom I was more than concerned when I got the call from my doc.

[Eggplant]

During my extensive conversation with the BS who called me to inform me that my "boyfriend" was married, she made very subtle insinuations about what she might do if I didn't agree to stop contact with him (which I did). She let me know, on a tangent, she had remotely accessed his cell phone account and had compromising photos of me. This fact just made me angrier at the liar who took photos.

[Owl]

If I was a walking bag of STIs I would take that into consideration. I'm sure those OW who practise indiscriminate unsafe sex, and those MMs who do likewise, will take note of that caution. For the vast majority on LS, though, I have no doubt that worrying about a terminally ill BW with nothing to lose shooting up their neighbourhood is not going to keep them awake at night.

 

I'd suggest that most walking bags of STI's won't take note of that caution...kinda explains how they BECAME a walking bag of STI's, ya know?

 

And that's the reality. Many, many people don't believe they have an STI, or deny to themselves that they do, or delude themselves into unsafe practices because of their blind trust in their partners.

 

If people were truly noble enough to care about others...STI's wouldn't be part of our existance.