Other men and other women - are you ever worried

[bentleychic]

Well I'm sure my MOW said the same thing until exposure time, then not so much.

 

I am single, but aside from that, I truly do believe that I have screwed up and if (god forbid), she finds out, she deserves to do what she needs to do in order to heal as much as she can.

[Spark1111]

I suppose I could have hurt H's OW. Her H was abusive and controlling, hence her need, apparently, to get close to H. He sympathised and listened to her and they got too close. I knew OW, I knew where she lived, I had met her H (at their wedding 6 months before:rolleyes:). I could have told him, it would have been easy. I didn't because I wanted to keep away from it all as much as possible, and because if he really was so abusive, I didn't want to give him an excuse to hurt her, not to mention he had reputation for getting into fights and hurting people - I didn't want him coming after H and bringing it all to my door. Coward? yes, sensible? Definitely IMO.

 

If she had given me the same amount of misery that some APs seem to do after the affair ended I guess I might not have been so forebearing.

 

Are you SURE about this WW?

 

Like my IC said over and over again, how do you know this? Are you sure?

 

and no, I was not.....not at all....I was repeating third person hearsay, most of it spoonfed to him from her!

 

Just because a man is a hot head, it does not mean he abuses his spouse. Interesting to note, didn't she get pregnant by this suposed abusive maniac shortly after, or during, your H's affair with her? Right there is a huge red flag, KWIM?

 

the fOW in my sitch went on ad nauseum about her abusive xH...Turns out, many people liked him and thought she was the nut job in the marriage. He has happily remarried and has more children. Everyone adores his new wife. She is on her second or third bf since the affair ended.

 

My H was not her first, nor last MM.

 

I smell a rat.

[waterwoman]

Are you SURE about this WW?

 

Like my IC said over and over again, how do you know this? Are you sure?

 

and no, I was not.....not at all....I was repeating third person hearsay, most of it spoonfed to him from her!

 

Just because a man is a hot head, it does not mean he abuses his spouse. Interesting to note, didn't she get pregnant by this suposed abusive maniac shortly after, or during, your H's affair with her? Right there is a huge red flag, KWIM?

 

the fOW in my sitch went on ad nauseum about her abusive xH...Turns out, many people liked him and thought she was the nut job in the marriage. He has happily remarried and has more children. Everyone adores his new wife. She is on her second or third bf since the affair ended.

 

My H was not her first, nor last MM.

 

I smell a rat.

 

Hi spark, am i TOTALLY sure? About her H's past? Yes. He is a bit of a 'name' in the small town we live in. Am I sure he is abusive to her? Nope. H beleived it but he wasn't exactly an unbiased opinion and I have no neutral evidence about that. And I do have unbiased opinion that she is a bit of a drama queen and she has form for doing this. But, put it this way, I don't care enough about OW or her H to find out. I just want to keep them both at arm's length.

[ComingInHot]

I've read this a couple of times now where the BS, after learning of the A, is the One who "ruins reputations, social circles, careers & family drama ensues for OW/OM".

 

I don't understand... How is that possible that it was all the BS ruining the life of OW/OM when it was the action of the AP in the first place that ruined the above?

Reputation, career, social circles & family drama would have Never been an issue of the AP weren't bedding WS right?

Of OW/OM were acting I'm an acceptable (non-A manner) then reputation, career, social circles... wouldn't even be an issue.

 

I think what I'm reading is that due to the actions & behaviors of the OW/OM & WS, when the Truth is shared honestly by one or more of the peoples hurt by the A, it is the truth of the AP & WS's actions that has the very damaging effects to said life.

 

The truth can hurt. Like when the exOW exposed the A to me almost a year after he dumped her. The truth hurt me indescribably!

The truth hurt exow as well.

She lost Everything mentioned above but that was on her.

[Owl]

I am single, but aside from that, I truly do believe that I have screwed up and if (god forbid), she finds out, she deserves to do what she needs to do in order to heal as much as she can.

 

I'd suggest some cautious thought be given to this.

 

If she finds out...she may well do far more than what she needs to do in order to heal or move on.

 

See my post earlier in this thread. I gave some very serious consideration...deliberate, calculated deliberation, in taking some 'permanent' action against OM.

 

Not bragging...not at all...but I was well-trained to do this if I'd made the decision to actively go through with it.

 

And I'll admit...he didn't deserve THAT level of retribution/repercussion. But in the heat of discovery, overwhelmed by anger and hurt and betrayal...I gave it real, serious thought. Had I not changed my mind, I'd probably be in prison today.

 

So...give some thought to that. She may seek out far more retribution than you think she will. As hard as you try, the odds are you're not going to have much insight to the level of emotional devestation she's likely to suffer as a result of all of this.

 

To try to put it into perspective...given the choice between coping with my wife having another EA, and doing another 12 month tour in the country of your choice...it's a no-brainer. Wouldn't take but a moment as to which I'd rather deal with.

 

Don't sign yourself up for more than you're truly able to give.

 

And consider what it might take to PRE-EMPTIVELY inform her on your own terms, rather than be found out and forced to deal with her on your terms...and his.

[bentleychic]

I'd suggest some cautious thought be given to this.

 

If she finds out...she may well do far more than what she needs to do in order to heal or move on.

 

See my post earlier in this thread. I gave some very serious consideration...deliberate, calculated deliberation, in taking some 'permanent' action against OM.

 

Not bragging...not at all...but I was well-trained to do this if I'd made the decision to actively go through with it.

 

And I'll admit...he didn't deserve THAT level of retribution/repercussion. But in the heat of discovery, overwhelmed by anger and hurt and betrayal...I gave it real, serious thought. Had I not changed my mind, I'd probably be in prison today.

 

So...give some thought to that. She may seek out far more retribution than you think she will. As hard as you try, the odds are you're not going to have much insight to the level of emotional devestation she's likely to suffer as a result of all of this.

 

To try to put it into perspective...given the choice between coping with my wife having another EA, and doing another 12 month tour in the country of your choice...it's a no-brainer. Wouldn't take but a moment as to which I'd rather deal with.

 

Don't sign yourself up for more than you're truly able to give.

 

And consider what it might take to PRE-EMPTIVELY inform her on your own terms, rather than be found out and forced to deal with her on your terms...and his.

 

Really, what possible control DO I have over what she does, even if I were to tell her now (which I won't do)? (I'm not being facetious. I would really like to know.)

[jlola]

I've read this a couple of times now where the BS, after learning of the A, is the One who "ruins reputations, social circles, careers & family drama ensues for OW/OM".

 

I don't understand... How is that possible that it was all the BS ruining the life of OW/OM when it was the action of the AP in the first place that ruined the above?

Reputation, career, social circles & family drama would have Never been an issue of the AP weren't bedding WS right?

Of OW/OM were acting I'm an acceptable (non-A manner) then reputation, career, social circles... wouldn't even be an issue.

 

I think what I'm reading is that due to the actions & behaviors of the OW/OM & WS, when the Truth is shared honestly by one or more of the peoples hurt by the A, it is the truth of the AP & WS's actions that has the very damaging effects to said life.

 

The truth can hurt. Like when the exOW exposed the A to me almost a year after he dumped her. The truth hurt me indescribably!

The truth hurt exow as well.

She lost Everything mentioned above but that was on her.

 

My mother kept my father's affairs secret from us. But my father did not keep his affair partners too much of a secret. He told a few people (his ego) and then my 2 sisters and I heard about it from others..

 

How anyone can have an affair and expect to be respected and keep it from the kids is sheer insanity. The kids will most likely find out about the affair someday.Lots of times from other family members.

 

I have seen on this very board, OW who brag about MM letting common friends know about the affair. The OW feels proud as if it validates her. But obviously MM cannot care about his kids much because people talk.

 

We were very upset with my mother for keeping my fathers "secrets" and staying with him after all the disrespect. Then we realized she kept his affairs private because she did not want us badgering her to leave since she was willing to stay.

 

People having affairs have the audacity to think they are beyond consequences. They want to be protected.They feel it is none of the children's business. And is BS tells, then they are angry she got the kids "involved". Just crazy.

 

They cannot see how destructive the affair is the the whole family and the foundation of the children. How do you think it affects a child that the very person who gets angry if they lie,cheat,manipulate and use others is doing exactly what he tells you not to do. It completely messes with your mind.

 

Even at a young age I saw the insanity of it. Yet, my father demanded respect and was the first one to be enraged if he suspected you were lying(usually he was wrong, but liars think everyone does the same) Your trust in others is lost.

[whichwayisup]

Of what the betrayed spouse could or would do to you if you were caught?

 

I don't worry about violence from the current BS. I did many years ago when I dipped my toe into the swinging world and there were men who were cheating. Über casual sex with someone you don't know...if he got caught, he'd sell me up the river and if she's a psycho, she's on my doorstep with a gun.

 

I have some mild concern about the embarrassment and fallout of some of the law suits that have occurred - I think they call them alienation of affection or something.

 

My biggest worry is the family connection. His wife is friends with my distant relative (which is how we met, at a family/friends celebration). One call to distant relative will produce a call to my mother, which will make it a total living hell for me. It doesn't matter that I'm single and in my 40's.

 

If you choose to have an A willingly, then you (general you) has to own it and face the fallout when/if it happens. It's that simple. If you don't want to feel ashamed or embarrassed if you two are busted, then don't have an A. Sorry to be blunt.

[Pierre]

It may be blunt, but so true. Thing is, you have no control over what another person will do once the affair is discovered. That passive, mousy, doormat of a BS, could ramp it up, to crazy, fighting for her man, outing you all over town, woman. I don't understand women (and men) who knowingly put themselves in these situations repeatedly, wondering why people go all bat **** crazy once discovered. Talk about the definition of crazy.

 

Worst case scenario is a crazy betrayed spouse with a gun in hand. It happens and it is a risk when having an affair. The risk may be quite low, but not zero.

[So happy together]

Worst case scenario is a crazy betrayed spouse with a gun in hand. It happens and it is a risk when having an affair. The risk may be quite low, but not zero.

 

You know, I guess the 1700 miles between us made me not worry. But, stbxw said that she changed the locks on her doors because she was afraid she would wake up with me standing over her with a knife... which I found odd. I've never, nor would I ever, contact her. Why she would just think I'm a crazy violent person is beyond me. ]

[hippetyhop]

Worst case scenario is a crazy betrayed spouse with a gun in hand. It happens and it is a risk when having an affair. The risk may be quite low, but not zero.

 

I thoroughly agree. Who knows what a person-husband or wife- may do especially when kids are involved.

[ladydesigner]

Really, what possible control DO I have over what she does, even if I were to tell her now (which I won't do)? (I'm not being facetious. I would really like to know.)

 

You don't. I would make sure any public records are not public if you know what I mean no public address and phone number.

 

Just an FYI and I have stated this here before, I was so angered at my 2nd DDay that I made sure the whole world knew what my WH and MOW did. I posted a profile of her on a cheater site with my WH's name there as well (it was up for a year). She just recently harassed me to take it down. I did, as I had posted that in a moment of red hot rage, but I did not do it without an apology from her.

[Lady2163]

I thoroughly agree. Who knows what a person-husband or wife- may do especially when kids are involved.

 

Two words...

 

Betty Broderick

[Owl]

Really, what possible control DO I have over what she does, even if I were to tell her now (which I won't do)? (I'm not being facetious. I would really like to know.)

 

Well, my thought is that if you controlled the situation and told her under your own terms...and truly demonstrated remorse and regret, alongside ending the affair...the odds are that while she'll clearly still be hurt and angry, she's going to have a bit more empathy for you, and is less likely to respond by taking some kind of drastic measures AGAINST you.

 

No, there's no garauntee.

 

But it's a lot easier to forgive someone who's demonstrated true remorse and regret, and has unilaterally made changes to end the affair than it is to have empathy or forgiveness for someone who "only 'fessed up 'cause they was caught".

 

My suggestion wasn't facetious either...nor was this follow up.

 

I have seen over and over again on this board that most of the situations where the OW takes it on herself to do the right thing, the situation resolves itself in a much cleaner fashion, with less devestation for both herself and the BW...especially where the OW is also forthcoming about the information on the affair.

 

You indicate that you regret the pain you may have caused her...hence my recommendation to you.

[threelaurels]

Worst case scenario is a crazy betrayed spouse with a gun in hand. It happens and it is a risk when having an affair. The risk may be quite low, but not zero.

 

I think most people assume that a BS who kills the WS and/or the AP is the worst case scenario, but there are fates worse than death. Medea killed her children to get back at Jason, and there's nothing to say that a truly psycho BS wouldn't kill everyone the WS/AP loves and leave them to suffer.

 

I need to stop watching Dateline

[eleanorrigby]

I think most people assume that a BS who kills the WS and/or the AP is the worst case scenario, but there are fates worse than death. Medea killed her children to get back at Jason, and there's nothing to say that a truly psycho BS wouldn't kill everyone the WS/AP loves and leave them to suffer.

 

I need to stop watching Dateline

 

Right, and what about the WS that decide it's easier to kill their spouse then divorce them? Lacey Peterson and her baby comes to mind.

[Spark1111]

Worst case scenario is a crazy betrayed spouse with a gun in hand. It happens and it is a risk when having an affair. The risk may be quite low, but not zero.

 

The Risk is NOT low.....homicide detectives have stated that close to 90% of ALL HOMICIDES are due to JEALOUSY: Partner, money power, PERIOD.

 

Read the news, folks. Affairs are playing with fire!

[Got it]

The Risk is NOT low.....homicide detectives have stated that close to 90% of ALL HOMICIDES are due to JEALOUSY: Partner, money power, PERIOD.

 

Read the news, folks. Affairs are playing with fire!

 

Apparently so is money, power, and any perceived inequality between oneself and the other party.

 

Doesn't sound like one should really ever go out in public!

[cocorico]

Apparently so is money, power, and any perceived inequality between oneself and the other party.

 

Doesn't sound like one should really ever go out in public!

 

...nor stay at home, since most rapes and sexual assaults are committed by attackers who are known to those they attack.

 

Life is full of risks. Driving can get you killed, so can eating, exercising, or not exercising. You need to weigh up the risks and decide which are worth taking.

[ComingInHot]

cocooco, I gotta agree with you here on your last post... For the most part.

I think from reading your story, you did, in fact, weigh out the possible outcome and you were willing to accept whatever the outcome was and the consequences that came with it. I wish more people would do that ya know? Think through what their action could result in and the pain it could cause all involved, Then decide if it is "worth the risk" to either end up w/BS's H/W or possible destruction of their own heart as well as the hearts of so many others...

 

If you could advise a room full of OW's, Coco, knowing ebay you know from your own experience AND reading many of the experiences here, what would you say?*

[cocorico]

cocooco, I gotta agree with you here on your last post... For the most part.

I think from reading your story, you did, in fact, weigh out the possible outcome and you were willing to accept whatever the outcome was and the consequences that came with it. I wish more people would do that ya know? Think through what their action could result in and the pain it could cause all involved, Then decide if it is "worth the risk" to either end up w/BS's H/W or possible destruction of their own heart as well as the hearts of so many others...

 

If you could advise a room full of OW's, Coco, knowing ebay you know from your own experience AND reading many of the experiences here, what would you say?*

 

Since every situation is different I would be very wary of general advice to a whole room of very different people, beyond the most obvious: do your research thoroughly to make sure you know what you are getting into, consider the risks, the costs and the benefits carefully before deciding, be honest from the outset about what you're wanting and what you're prepared to offer, retain your own power, make sure you are getting at least as much from the R as you are giving and that your needs are being met, and do not do anything against your values because the guilt will get you.

 

Beyond that, it would depend on the specifics of the situation.

[bentleychic]

do not do anything against your values because the guilt will get you.

 

It will hit you like a freight train. Honestly, I fear that even if we WERE one of the few couples that make it, I'll always resent the fact that I threw my moral and ethical values out the window to be with him.

 

(That's totally on me, though. I did make that choice and obviously continue to make that choice. For now.)

[road]

Of what the betrayed spouse could or would do to you if you were caught?

 

I don't worry about violence from the current BS. I did many years ago when I dipped my toe into the swinging world and there were men who were cheating. Über casual sex with someone you don't know...if he got caught, he'd sell me up the river and if she's a psycho, she's on my doorstep with a gun.

 

I have some mild concern about the embarrassment and fallout of some of the law suits that have occurred - I think they call them alienation of affection or something.

 

My biggest worry is the family connection. His wife is friends with my distant relative (which is how we met, at a family/friends celebration). One call to distant relative will produce a call to my mother, which will make it a total living hell for me. It doesn't matter that I'm single and in my 40's.

 

The old dudes would always tell the young dudes don't manure where you eat.

 

Is this life skill not passed down from old bag to young bag?

 

As to expecting a response. There is no correct response. Only a range of normal responses.

 

Normal meaning that those responses are what has happened in the past.

 

So a response can be denial and ignore the affair to killing the bee itch/bass tard.

 

Normal response is a range of responses. I do not endorse either of those extreme responses.