My Fiance is leaving me and I cant cope

[struass]

Hi all, I found this forum by chance and some of the threads are similar to my situation so I thought I get all my feelings on a page to see if I feel any better.

 

On Monday my partner of 9 years told me she was leaving me. We have a 2 year old son and got engaged in January with our Wedding planned for December this year. I got the shock of my life and was physically sick almost immediately. Once I recovered slightly we tried to chat about the problem and she explained that while she still loved me, loved the life we had, loved that I was a brilliant dad, she felt something was missing and she'd been unhappy for a few months. She said she'd be searching for whatever was missing and just couldn't find it. Her head say's stay where you are, her heart says it isn't right. I'm totally devastated as I love her with all my heart and thought we would grow old together and be an example to 'love' to our son.

 

There were no signs to this happening. We laugh lots everyday, we cuddle night, we're still intimate up until last week, we talk loads about all kind of things from our son to work to the weather to weddings to holidays, we hardly argue and have the upmost respect for each other. What has went wrong? Why is she unhappy? She cannot tell me, all I hear is 'it just doesn't feel right, I have to be selfish in my life for once'. I've asked if there is anyone else and I trust her when she says no-one is involved. It would be easier to deal with if there were.

 

Our son, where do I start about this little miracle. He is our life after receiving heart surgery when he was 3 days old. We were so strong together through that period in our life that I thought we were unbreakable. We are both very active and hands-on parents. Mum deals with the during the day stuff and I take over at night until the cheeky monkey is sleeping. When mum works I'm control. Our arrangement is perfect and never causes any issues or friction. I'm worried about not seeing him every day, or putting him to bed at night, that is tearing me up and god only know how he is going to feel when dad isn't about night.

 

Help! Ive no idea how to deal with this. Is it a phase or have I lost her for good. I'm struggling to eat/sleep/function. Whatever happens I know I need to stay strong and do everything possible to ensure I give the best life to my son. It's so hard.

[oldshirt]

 

She said she'd be searching for whatever was missing and just couldn't find it. Her head say's stay where you are, her heart says it isn't right.

.

 

This is basically saying "i love you but not in love with you." (ILYBNILWY)

 

The vast majority of the time when someone says that, it means that they recognize you are a good person and a good parent but they have lost physical, sexual an romantic attraction for you.

 

......and the real bad news is women can go on marking time and simply coasting along like that for many months or even years. When the ILYBNILWY speech comes along is after they've met someone else that does push their attraction buttons.

 

The fact that she says she is leaving is very ominous. Unless you are an alcoholic or an abuser or just completely ignore her and arent telling us, about the only times a woman with young children will pack her bags and leave is if there is someone else. Especially if the child has medical issues.

 

You need to do some serious detective work an start going through her computer, emails, facebook, cell phone, purse, car, drawers, credit card and bank statements, phone records etc etc and you will uncover someone else.

Edited July 25, 2013 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

What may have taken place here is you have done exactly what society and your grandmother has told you to do and that is to be a good friend and companion to your SO and a doting father to your child and to do everything that she says in your home as it pertains to domestic life and childrearing.

 

The problem is women arent sexually stimulated by or attracted to loving puppy dogs who do everything they say and dote on children, even though they say it is what they want.

 

Somewhere along the line you have lost your masculine energy, aggressiveness and leadership and have become instead a nurturer and childcare assistant. You may have also gotten physically fat, lazy and slovenly.

 

She has lost sexual/romantic desire for you and somewhere along the way someone else who is more masculine, aggressive, sexual and sharper looking (IN HER EYES) has come along and flipped her attraction/desire switches and gave her that hormone rush that makes her feel "in love" with him. And since he feels 'in love' with him, her mind has to tell her that she is no longer "in love" with you to justify her feelings for the other man ( which she may or may not have already had sexual contact with by now)

[oldshirt]

So what to do about it?

 

First thing to do is get your hands on two books ASAP and read them cover to cover. The first is called, " The Married Man Sexlife Primer" by Athol Kay and the other is "No More Mr Nice Guy." And I cant rember the name of that author off the top of my head.

 

Both of those books have good step by step instructions on how to deal with Walk-Away-Wives and how to protect yourself and get your life back.

 

In a nutshell it will be how to smack down and blow up her affair. How to take back your leadership of the family to keep the family together and functioning in a functional manner, and how to get your balls velcro'd back on and how to get yourself fixed back up so she can be attracted to you an desire you again.

 

Get the books and read them ASAP because alot of the things you need to do are completely counterintuitive and opposite of what Oprah and the rest of society say you should do.

[zoobadger]

Ugh. I don't really have any advice, but I can readily imagine the pain and grief you're feeling. I knew in my heart for many years that my marriage was probably doomed and I'm still miserable now that it's crashed and burned.

 

If she really isn't involved with anybody else, I have to say that it's better for her to separate now, rather than cheat and sneak around behind your back. On the other hand, when there's another man, you really know it's over, and it's a little easier to make a clean break. I also am a little skeptical that there's nobody else, but if she really truly wants out, it ultimately doesn't matter in the long run.

 

What has she said about your son? Is she readily willing to fully share custody? Is she planning to move out? It sounds to me like she ought to find another place to live and allow you primary custody for now until you guys sort things out.

 

Having something like this hit you like a bolt of lightning on a crystal clear sunny day must be devastating.

 

And as everybody else will probably recommend, be sure to talk to a counselor. It can be very helpful, and you might benefit from a one time dose of some meds to help you sleep and reduce your anxiety.

[GorillaTheater]

First thing to do is get your hands on two books ASAP and read them cover to cover. The first is called, " The Married Man Sexlife Primer" by Athol Kay and the other is "No More Mr Nice Guy." And I cant rember the name of that author off the top of my head.

 

Glover, and probably the better of the two books, although they complement each other fairly well.

 

I second the book recomendations, and Oldshirt's observations in general.

[colgirl]

How old is your partner? I'm just thinking that maybe she's still quite young, you've been together for nearly a decade and she's starting to wonder if she's missed out on dating and experimenting with other guys. Just a thought. The wedding is looming and she's getting cold feet about tying herself down. Are you sure she hasn't met someone else? Many people don't give up on a basically good relationship (especially if they have a child) to go it alone on their own. But obviously this is just me surmising, I could be totally wrong. I'm so sorry for you, it's a horrible thing you're going through, and just like with my situation, it feels like everything you knew has just been smashed up and destroyed. Keep posting, this is a great site and it's helping me a lot too:bunny:

[eleve82]

I'm sorry to hear this - I can also imagine the pain you are going through. However, I must say that as someone who was on the receiving end of "it doesn't feel right" (with no strong reasons pinpointed), after much consideration and reading on relationship research, I think she may have saved you a divorce many years down the line, the same way my ex has unwittingly saved me from that fate. It could be that the problem is on her side (maybe deep down she is not ready to settle, has unidentified concerns, wonders if she can do better, is bored, unhappy with herself etc), but regardless it is a problem - and it will manifest itself in due time. If it is a case of extreme cold feet and taking things for granted or a deep unhappiness with herself, there is a small chance that over time she may turn around and realise what she lost. However, I would strongly recommend cutting her loose. Holding on only serves to reinforce confusion as partners who are ruled by emotions usually find themselves unable to rationalise their fears in words/reason and may feel backed into a corner the more you ask for an explanation - resulting in a flight syndrome. Trying to reason logical with an emotionally driven/ruled person is senseless.

[struass]

Thanks all for the replies!

 

We had a very good and a grown up discussion earlier where neither of us got upset and raised our voices. FYI, she is 32 and I am 35.

 

Do I think there is someone else? No but I can't say that for certain and I would never pursue and underhand tactics to prove or disprove. If someone say's they are faithful, thats good enough for me.

 

Our baby boy - I expect custody to be shared and so does she. We even spoke today about continuing to live together for the foreseeable future for the sake of our son.

 

Living together - Is it possible? We still get on great, laugh, talk etc. We spoke about boundries i.e. other people. She seemed quite receptive at first but that started to change later with ifs and buts. She also brought up the subject of us being intimate and accepted she'd most likely be the instigator. Commuication, agreed that if either had feeling for anyone else they had to be aired before doing anything about it.

 

Emotions - She has them but they are locked away. Wouldn't admit it if she does make a mistake. I got more out of her today that the last 3 days. Maybe because I was more composed. She admited we've both changed over the last 2 years. Lost our individual identity, after reading Mr. Nice guy I agree. I'm not the same person she met - and not in a bad way if you kow what I mean.

 

I'm so confused. She wants me to see my son every day and so do I. She wants to be a bit more independant and less needy on me (I'm the main breadwinner)...I thought that's how relationships worked.

 

Do I just bite my tongue and say, there you go, run free in the hope she see's the grass isnt greenier. Or do I keep her close for our son. I also think I need to have a look at myself.

[oldshirt]

 

Do I think there is someone else? No but I can't say that for certain and I would never pursue and underhand tactics to prove or disprove. If someone say's they are faithful, thats good enough for me.

 

Oh man! You really need to take an afternoon and read some of these boards. Virtually every last single person that has an affair denies it, at least initially. Many will only fess up if they are caught with their hand in the cookie jar anf many continue to deny it and downplay it even if they are caught right in the middle of the downstroke.

 

You are being way too passive and niave here.

[oldshirt]

 

Living together - Is it possible? We still get on great, laugh, talk etc. We spoke about boundries i.e. other people. She seemed quite receptive at first but that started to change later with ifs and buts. She also brought up the subject of us being intimate and accepted she'd most likely be the instigator. Commuication, agreed that if either had feeling for anyone else they had to be aired before doing anything about it

 

As a man you really do need to have very rigid boundries on who you will support and who you have living under your roof. It is a very reasonable boundary to only provide support, comfort, compnionship and parental assistance to women who truly love and desire you, have romantic/sexual relations with you and are sexually exclusive with you. That is not asking an unreasonable amount.

 

If she no longer loves or desires you and wants to be free to do her thing, that is fair. She has that right. However there is no reason on God's Green Earth that she should do that in your house and on your dime.

 

If she wants freedom to party and bang other dudes, that is her right but it is also your right to keep her out of your home and out of your life. If she wants to bang other dudes she can get her own house, pay her own bills, change her own oil, unclog her own toilet and get her own job to pay for it. You also have rights to your child so she can get used to not having her child 50% of the time and not having any access to him when it is your time to have him.

 

Its a very simple contract that goes back to when the first humans were swinging from trees, men provide women love, support, protection, companionship, parental assistance, provide shelter and fix things that break and in return women provide love, sex and sexual exclusivity.

 

If they no longer want to provide love,sex and exclusivity, that is their right. But they need to accept getting cut off from all the other perks of being in a relationship.

 

She is wanting all the relationship perks without being in a relationship and without paying up her end of the bargain.

 

Thats something you just simply laugh at and say, "yeah right. Now stop joking around and get serious and discuss some realistic terms of separating. "

Edited July 25, 2013 by oldshirt

[struass]

Thanks again oldshirt.

 

Ok, whatever happens I need to support my son and find the best way to do this. I'm a very hands on dad and by me just upping sticks and not seeing him everyday would not be good for him (or me). If this is to happen I personally think it needs to be phased.

 

I've thought a lot about this and I think my 2 options are as follows.....

 

Continue living together for a set period of time with strict boundries and open communication. We lead seperate, independent lives except where our son is involved. If anyone breaks or wants to break a boundry (i.e. see someone) they say so and we move on quicker. In the background I look for somewhere else to stay (as I don't want to remove my son from his home.) and my ex trying to sort out how she pays for everything when I'm gone.

 

Option 2 is go now. Leave almost straight away and arrange a 50/50 custody split. Accept its going to upset my son but know he will be better for it as his dad can move on. If there is someone else she can do what she wants and either regret it or be happy.

[zoobadger]

Do I think there is someone else? No but I can't say that for certain and I would never pursue and underhand tactics to prove or disprove. If someone say's they are faithful, thats good enough for me.

 

You're a better man than me, lol, but it sounds like she's being honest and there is no one else. That's good.

 

Our baby boy - I expect custody to be shared and so does she. We even spoke today about continuing to live together for the foreseeable future for the sake of our son.

 

Your son should be your focus even if you're suffering a great deal of personal misery over the potential breakup.

 

Living together - Is it possible? We still get on great, laugh, talk etc. We spoke about boundries i.e. other people. She seemed quite receptive at first but that started to change later with ifs and buts. She also brought up the subject of us being intimate and accepted she'd most likely be the instigator. Commuication, agreed that if either had feeling for anyone else they had to be aired before doing anything about it.

 

Having moved out promptly after my STBX and I decided to split, my experience suggests that you'll be MUCH happier in your own place. As she begins to become more emotionally independent and starts dating, it'll be agony for you. Imagine a day when you're sitting on the sofa next to her, and she starts texting and giggling. Yuck. You don't want to be there for that.

 

I'm so confused. She wants me to see my son every day and so do I. She wants to be a bit more independant and less needy on me (I'm the main breadwinner)...I thought that's how relationships worked.

 

Get a little apartment nearby and you CAN see him everyday. You can stop by, put him to bed, then head back to your place and vice versa. Or stop by during the morning, take him out for a stroll and give his mom some time to catch up with sleep or chores. I spent last night with my six year old son while my STBX and eleven year old went to a movie. After the movie, I walked the dog, then headed back to my apartment for the night. That's the advantage of not hating each other, and not letting jealousy and recrimination blacken your heart. Eventually, though, there will be another guy hanging around with her (again, yuck, but by then you'll probably have lot of women who want to date you, too).

 

Do I just bite my tongue and say, there you go, run free in the hope she see's the grass isnt greenier. Or do I keep her close for our son. I also think I need to have a look at myself.

 

I don't think you really have any control over it. Admitting you don't, and making plans to get on with your own life, as challenging as that will be, is the best strategy. You're now free to flirt with that cute co-worker or the barista where you get your coffee in the morning. Even if you don't want a new GF, it's fun to be single.

Edited July 26, 2013 by zoobadger

[struass]

I've today made the decision that I need to move on and started looking for a new house. We've agreed that the split between our son is 50/50 and we must speak to each other and agree before any 'new' partners are brought into our lives.

 

While Im still hurting the knot in my stomach has gone. It will come back, I know that but I've made the first step to finding myself and a contentment.

 

On the back of his, she has spent the evening crying her eyes out about how lonely, insecure and scared she will be.

[struass]

Today's update for those interested.

 

I feel quite content, haven't had an outburst of emotion and spent the day enjoying my son. I've started looking for a home where I can be happy and build a loving and happy environment for my son..... will start to view 3 of them on Monday.

 

The down side to all of this is I need to share my current house with me ex. Fortunately we have a large spare room where I can hide. Things are very amicable at the moment and I hope this continues however if it doesn't i'm in a better mental state to deal with it.

 

It's only 6 days since the break and a lot has happened. I know that tough days are ahead and but I think the love for my son will get me through.

 

M ex can do what she likes, nothing can hurt me more than those initial words. In fact, she's out tonight so good luck to her.

 

Tomorrow is a different day and I might feel worse again. Right now, I hope I get the sleep my body deserves (as it's almost at shutdown).

 

This is a great site and I'm glad I stumbled across it.

[struass]

Since my last post, I've started looking for somewhere else to stay. Got my mortgage approved in principle and just finding the right place. At the moment we're still under the same roof, mainly for the stability for our young son. Generally things are OK, we still chat away and sometimes spend time together with my son, either in the garden and on walks to the park etc. Now is where I have no idea what is going on......

 

- When I want to discuss the finer details of the separation i.e. finances etc. she gets really, really upset and almost refuses to talk. When she does it's very defensive.

- I'm coping during the day as I'm at work mainly but struggle at night when I have time to let my mind wander. This doesn't go down well as she think I should be strong for her......she's at her worst when I'm not around she says.

- Finally, she has twice attempted some 'physical' contact. The first time she realised what was happening after a small kiss and stopped and the second Iwe couldn't hold back. That is the first time in nearly a year she has instigated anything physical, it's normally me.

 

What the hell is going on? I know I should just put the shutters up but it's damn hard.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Stauss, so sorry you find yourself here.

 

I know that you are choosing to believe she is not having an affair (EA or PA) and I respect that, althought odds are there is something to that. Oldshirt has been around a while and gives good advice.

 

I will try to answer with your preference in mind.

 

Human interaction is driven by biological and chemical factors. There is a chemical released when someone is dumped. That chemical causes you to try to get the dumper back. Even if you don't want them.

 

Infidelity forums call it Hovering...doing something to suck you back in.

 

Lots and lots of dumpers want to keep the dumpee in love, or dependent on them as a safety net. I think this is what your XGF is doing.

 

I put some questions, if you don't mind it might help us help you.

 

At the moment we're still under the same roof, mainly for the stability for our young son. Generally things are OK, we still chat away and sometimes spend time together with my son, either in the garden and on walks to the park etc. Now is where I have no idea what is going on......

.

 

Your son is still very young. You need to be cordial and care for his interests but spending time as a family should stop.

 

-

When I want to discuss the finer details of the separation i.e. finances etc. she gets really, really upset and almost refuses to talk. When she does it's very defensive.

 

Have you asked her why she's getting angry? Since you are formalizing the plan to break up, since she broke up with you? Her response could be informative.(BTW Her reaction is pretty common when people start to realize their decisions will have a significant lifestyle impact)

 

-

I'm coping during the day as I'm at work mainly but struggle at night when I have time to let my mind wander. This doesn't go down well as she think I should be strong for her......she's at her worst when I'm not around she says.

I get your reaction, totally normal...but I don't get hers...SHE wants to be independent and such, why is she expecting you to be stong for her? I call bull**** on this. This makes no sense given the rest of the information.

 

-

Finally, she has twice attempted some 'physical' contact. The first time she realised what was happening after a small kiss and stopped and the second Iwe couldn't hold back. That is the first time in nearly a year she has instigated anything physical, it's normally me.

 

This is the ultimate in Hoovering. To keep you on a chain. Being intimate with her will not fix the relationship but it will set back your healing.

 

You do need to put in boundaries to protect yourself.

 

Good luck.

[oldshirt]

Yep it is Hoovering. She is trying to keep you on a leash. In a way she wants her cake and to eat it too. She isn't in love with you and doesn't desire you romantically/sexually but she still wants your resources, companionship, validation, support and protection.

 

The reason she gets defensive when you try to discuss the practical matters of separation is because she still wants you to pay for everything and provide a home and resources and "be there" for her. She just doesn't want you in her bed and doesn't want a romantic/sexual relationship with you.

 

That may seem contradictory that she seemed like she was trying to get a little somth'n-somth'n, but it's quite common. two things taking place here - one is that she probably sincerely thought you'd be enough of a puppy-dog that she assumed you would throw in the towel and live as platonic roommates and you would continue to provide support and coparenting in home and she could have the safety and support of home and family but still look for love and adventure on the side and you'd be ok with it (she views you as "weak.")

 

But instead you are accepting her break up and are showing signs of moving on without her. That is doing two things -

 

- one is that she may be starting to panic a little and as been said before is trying to Hoover you in and keep you attached by offering up a little bit of poontang. It's to make you think you have a chance and make you reconsider moving out and cutting her off.

 

- another thing that might be taking place is that since you are showing some signs of a backbone she may actually be getting a few twinges of attraction and she is likely just as confused about it as you are. It doesn't really make rational sense, but so much of love and attraction and relationships etc doesn't make sense.

 

Don't let your guard down and don't capitulate to anything. You need to draw a hard line in the sand and enforce your boundaries. She can have a husband and a provider and a parent in the house if she is in love with him and has a romantic/sexual relationship with him.

 

Or she can choose to divorce and do what she wants but it will result in her getting cut off from your companionship, support (other than legal child support of course) protection, validation etc etc.

 

You need to be clear on and you need to enforce your boundaries or she will do everything she can to get a live-in babysitter, bill-payer, protector, sink-unclogger etc etc while she picks up and bangs other guys and gives them the poontang while you get nothing.

[oldshirt]

.

- Finally, she has twice attempted some 'physical' contact. The first time she realised what was happening after a small kiss and stopped and the second Iwe couldn't hold back. That is the first time in nearly a year she has instigated anything physical, it's normally me.

 

What the hell is going on? I know I should just put the shutters up but it's damn hard.

 

Two ways to do this. One is socially acceptable and grandmother approved and the other is going to the darkside and playing hardball.

 

The socially acceptable way is to put the shields up and reject her advances and enforce the boundary of either "all-in or all-out." Either you two love each other and have a full-service marriage complete with romance and sexuality or you cut off all sexuality and continue forward with the divorce and she only gets what the court determines she gets.

 

That is socially acceptable as the "right" way to handle that. And it is effective in protecting yourself and protecting your heart from getting drawn in and prolonging your misery if she is in fact just trying to keep you on a leash.

 

If you choose instead to go to the darkside and play hardball, when she initiates physical/sexual contact you go all porn star on her and ravage her good and pound her into the basement. Bang her like a nasty slut and throw her legs over your shoulders and let her feel your n#+sack slap her in the @$$. Manhandle her around and flop her around in every position known to man. Put it in her behind if she'll let you and then finish on her face.

 

..AND THEN LEAVE TO GO LOOK AT ANOTHER HOUSE AND TO HAVE ANOTHER MEETING WITH YOUR MORTGAGE BROKER. (or just go feed pidgeons in the park if you want but tell her you are late for a meeting with the broker and you are looking at another house)

 

Treat her like a nasty whore and give her the best sex of her life but then walk away and continue with your plans to leave her and cut her off.

 

While that may seem mean and will make every grandmother on the planet shudder in horror, it will be a huge display of strength, dominance and masculinity to her and those are things that she has been missing lately and probably a major reason why she has fallen out of love with you.

 

By doing that, you will give her the same hormone rush that this guy from work or from the bar that she has been banging (or that she wants to bang) has been giving her.

 

It will destabilize her and make her question her own motivations and reasons for dumping you and it is also 180 degrees from how she is expecting you to behave and will make her respect you more and will make her plans of an easy roommate/babysitter arraingement more confusing.

 

Play nice or play not so nice, it really doesn't matter, the end result may be the same. the important thing is not to capitulate and become a castrated, passive roommate and babysitter.

Edited July 30, 2013 by oldshirt

[oldshirt]

Two ways to do this. One is socially acceptable and grandmother approved and the other is going to the darkside and playing hardball.

 

The socially acceptable way is to put the shields up and reject her advances and enforce the boundary of either "all-in or all-out." Either you two love each other and have a full-service marriage complete with romance and sexuality or you cut off all sexuality and continue forward with the divorce and she only gets what the court determines she gets.

 

That is socially acceptable as the "right" way to handle that. And it is effective in protecting yourself and protecting your heart from getting drawn in and prolonging your misery if she is in fact just trying to keep you on a leash.

 

If you choose instead to go to the darkside and play hardball, when she initiates physical/sexual contact you go all porn star on her and ravage her good and pound her into the basement. Bang her like a nasty slut and throw her legs over your shoulders and let her feel your n#+sack slap her in the @$$. Manhandle her around and flop her around in every position known to man. Put it in her behind if she'll let you and then finish on her face.

 

..AND THEN LEAVE TO GO LOOK AT ANOTHER HOUSE AND TO HAVE ANOTHER MEETING WITH YOUR MORTGAGE BROKER. (or just go feed pidgeons in the park if you want but tell her you are late for a meeting with the broker and you are looking at another house)

 

Treat her like a nasty whore and give her the best sex of her life but then walk away and continue with your plans to leave her and cut her off.

 

While that may seem mean and will make every grandmother on the planet shudder in horror, it will be a huge display of strength, dominance and masculinity to her and those are things that she has been missing lately and probably a major reason why she has fallen out of love with you.

 

By doing that, you will give her the same hormone rush that this guy from work or from the bar that she has been banging (or that she wants to bang) has been giving her.

 

It will destabilize her and make her question her own motivations and reasons for dumping you and it is also 180 degrees from how she is expecting you to behave and will make her respect you more and will make her plans of an easy roommate/babysitter arraingement more confusing.

 

Play nice or play not so nice, it really doesn't matter, the end result may be the same. the important thing is not to capitulate and become a castrated, passive roommate and babysitter.

 

 

The to differentiate between these two options and to decide which would be the best for you depends on your own temperament.

 

Are you more likely to cave in and be a puppy dog and have your heart drawn in and be more hurt if she gets the last laugh or are you more likely to be able to shield your heart and give her a good banging and then walk away and draw a line in the sand and stick to your guns even if you do have some hot sex.

 

the way to look at it is how will you be more likely to react if she leaves you anyway. Will you be more heartbroke and devastated if she completely dumps you and leaves with the other man after you have had some intimate times with her in the final days?

 

Or will you be able to walk away and still enforce your boundaries and pat yourself and chuckle to yourself that the bitch was leaving you but you still scored some hot poontang that even a porn star would be jealous of?

 

If you honestly think it will cause you more pain and dysfunction when the end comes then play nice.

 

If you honestly think you can protect your heart well enough and walk away with a wicked grin and even send her new BF a picture you took of her after your last ravaging and pat yourself on the back for scoring some action and leaving a "deposit" for her new boyfriend to taste on her breath then play hardball.

 

Bottom line is which will make you feel the best and help you recover the best when the end comes anyway?

[oldshirt]

The to differentiate between these two options and to decide which would be the best for you depends on your own temperament.

 

Are you more likely to cave in and be a puppy dog and have your heart drawn in and be more hurt if she gets the last laugh or are you more likely to be able to shield your heart and give her a good banging and then walk away and draw a line in the sand and stick to your guns even if you do have some hot sex.

 

the way to look at it is how will you be more likely to react if she leaves you anyway. Will you be more heartbroke and devastated if she completely dumps you and leaves with the other man after you have had some intimate times with her in the final days?

 

Or will you be able to walk away and still enforce your boundaries and pat yourself and chuckle to yourself that the bitch was leaving you but you still scored some hot poontang that even a porn star would be jealous of?

 

If you honestly think it will cause you more pain and dysfunction when the end comes then play nice.

 

If you honestly think you can protect your heart well enough and walk away with a wicked grin and even send her new BF a picture you took of her after your last ravaging and pat yourself on the back for scoring some action and leaving a "deposit" for her new boyfriend to taste on her breath then play hardball.

 

Bottom line is which will make you feel the best and help you recover the best when the end comes anyway?

 

So I guess what I am saying is, it is all about what will be best for you in the end and not for her at this point. If you'll recover better and sleep better at night six months after the divorce by playing nice, then play nice. If you'll recover better and sleep better by playing not so nice, then go to the darkside.

 

This is all the path that she has chosen and it has been by her hand and it is the contact that she has initiated. You are just responding to it in the manner that works best for you.

Edited July 30, 2013 by oldshirt

[struass]

Wow!!! You guys are brutal but clearly that is what I need.

 

Time for some soul searching as I've probably been avoiding it and in denial.

 

Do I genuinely believe playing nice will work? No, I don't and the only person that struggles with it is me. Do I have the balls to get nasty? I need to find that out.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I don't think that you need to be mean or vindictive, but she has already stated that she does not want you anymore. Therefore she is not a friend, a buddy or a pal. She is the mother of your son and should be treated with respect, but that is it, she can't eat her cake and have it too.

 

You need to consult with an attorney and find out what your financial responsibility will be, set up a visitation schedule and find a place live. When you are not enjoying time with your son, you need to be doing other things. Look to do things to improve your position. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress and make a healthier you, spend more time on hobbies. Also plan events with your son that is just you and him.

 

The odd thing here is that the more freedom you give her and show that you don't need her, the more intriguing you become. Getting exercise, hobbies, father-son time out of house, shows her a healthy, confident man. Let's face it that is probably more accurately the real you what attracted her to you in the first place. I can't tell you she will come back, but even if she doesn't, you will be better prepared for what lies ahead.