Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Just curious, if during the A (past or present), you ever "accidentally on purpose" (or just flat out on purpose) did little things to try to make BS suspicious? Like, drop an earring in the car, text late at night, etc... If so, why? What types of things did you do? What was your motivation? What made you drop hints instead of contacting her ananamously or having a friend pretend to be a concerned 3rd party? If you were very very careful to keep the affair a secret, why? What was your motivation? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I sent my exMM some of his stuff to his marital home. Of course, he has no other address since he has a home office...so yeah. It was at least partly motivated by anger, and the hope that his W would see and question him...make his life a little less cozy. But, nothing happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Just sent the rest of his stuff...due to arrive Saturday. Hope he enjoys! Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Just curious, if during the A (past or present), you ever "accidentally on purpose" (or just flat out on purpose) did little things to try to make BS suspicious? Like, drop an earring in the car, text late at night, etc... If so, why? What types of things did you do? What was your motivation? What made you drop hints instead of contacting her ananamously or having a friend pretend to be a concerned 3rd party? If you were very very careful to keep the affair a secret, why? What was your motivation? Thanks We never hid, so evidence was anywhere if she'd cared to look. Someone did try to tip her off. She dismissed them with a flea in their ear. He got the same response when he told her. Some people really do prefer not to know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) We never hid, so evidence was anywhere if she'd cared to look. Someone did try to tip her off. She dismissed them with a flea in their ear. He got the same response when he told her. Some people really do prefer not to know. Sounds like my xMM. She was told he was up to no good. That was enough to put us on LC and for me to say adios. He was trying to play good husband and keep having his cake, while she's likely trying to dismiss the allegations. He has been questioned, she has her suspicions, but that is the last I know. Edited July 25, 2013 by hippetyhop Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 Just sent the rest of his stuff...due to arrive Saturday. Hope he enjoys! So you are already broken up though, right? You never tried to stir things up when things were happy between you and MM? I'm curious about the psychology of it. I think that I'd be one of the "accidentally on purpose" category, but I really don't know.. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Just curious, if during the A (past or present), you ever "accidentally on purpose" (or just flat out on purpose) did little things to try to make BS suspicious? Like, drop an earring in the car, text late at night, etc... If so, why? What types of things did you do? What was your motivation? What made you drop hints instead of contacting her ananamously or having a friend pretend to be a concerned 3rd party? If you were very very careful to keep the affair a secret, why? What was your motivation? Thanks Good lord no. If I was going to tell I would just tell. That is far too passive aggressive for me. If you want to tell, then just tell. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 We never hid, so evidence was anywhere if she'd cared to look. Someone did try to tip her off. She dismissed them with a flea in their ear. He got the same response when he told her. Some people really do prefer not to know. I can see how you would interpret her non-reaction as "she really didnt want to know". That makes sense. To me, I would think she probably already knew? And her desire to keep things "the same" and just go back to business as usual was her top priority. Like a Dont Ask Dont Tell policy- if she ignores it she doesn't have to deal with it. That sounds like a terrible marriage to be in for both of them, very depressing. Are you and MM still together? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 Sounds like my xMM. She was told he was up to no good. That was enough to put us on LC and for me to say adios. He was trying to play good husband and keep having his cake, while she's likely trying to dismiss the allegations. He has been questioned, she has her suspicions, but that is the last I know. He maybe talked her out of her suspicions and told her she was crazy? Good for u for breaking it off- is he still trying to contact you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 Good lord no. If I was going to tell I would just tell. That is far too passive aggressive for me. If you want to tell, then just tell. Hehe that's awesome. What makes you not want to tell? It seems to me like the desire to tell would almost always be strong- I don't know if I could stop myself even if I tried, that's why I think I'd end up doing things "accidentally on purpose", kind of subconsciously... wow I really have no idea, do I? My xbf was a serial cheat sex addict who kept his activities to escorts, Ashley Madison hook ups and one night stands from POF and craigslist for the most part, so there was no OW- I don't know if it would have been easier or harder if it was one girl and they had a real relationship- I think probably harder? I think in a way I got off easier in that respect. But maybe not. Now when I go anywhere and there are a lot of people I think "hmmmm I wonder how many of the women in the immediate area that jackhole banged?" Ugh. There was one girl, the one he copped to last year-I talked to her briefly. She had only known him a couple of weeks and had no idea I existed... We commiserated on what a doucheb*g he was and that was when I left him.... I am so mad at myself for getting sucked back in. Blah. I hope I'm not bothering you ladies, I'm just trying to see things from the other side. Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 He maybe talked her out of her suspicions and told her she was crazy? Good for u for breaking it off- is he still trying to contact you? I think he talked it down, but he knows she wouldn't fall for the whole "you are crazy" talk. I'm not his first A (allegedly 2nd--he had his first one at the 5 year mark. They are on year 8). He claims it didn't last long and she didn't know, but, how many BS turn a blind eye in hopes to keep their family together. I think she really knows what he's up to. As for hearing from him- not yet. He is on vacation with this family. I ended it one week before he left for vacation. I figured it is a good time to start NC as I knew I wouldn't hear from him on vaca, and the week before was just fitting. By the time he comes back, it'll be day 14 NC. Enough time to pass that'll allow our feelings to diminish. I don't think I will regardless per his response to me ending it, and if I ever do, it'll be years down the road. He's too busy trying to make nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 I think he talked it down, but he knows she wouldn't fall for the whole "you are crazy" talk. I'm not his first A (allegedly 2nd--he had his first one at the 5 year mark. They are on year 8). He claims it didn't last long and she didn't know, but, how many BS turn a blind eye in hopes to keep their family together. I think she really knows what he's up to. As for hearing from him- not yet. He is on vacation with this family. I ended it one week before he left for vacation. I figured it is a good time to start NC as I knew I wouldn't hear from him on vaca, and the week before was just fitting. By the time he comes back, it'll be day 14 NC. Enough time to pass that'll allow our feelings to diminish. I don't think I will regardless per his response to me ending it, and if I ever do, it'll be years down the road. He's too busy trying to make nice. Oh, man, its only been 2 weeks- that's rough. Are you taking care of yourself? Eating, getting out of the house? Not isolating? Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 (edited) Oh, man, its only been 2 weeks- that's rough. Are you taking care of yourself? Eating, getting out of the house? Not isolating? Thank you for your concern Oh definitely! I think I'm doing great! That is why I did NC when I did, as he wouldn't be able to contact me on vacation. It gave it the right amount of space for me knowing when he returns. Now I'm used to not hearing from him, seeing him. I'm not sure it is the healthiest, but right now my mindset is "it is what it was." I'm moving on as he is a typical MM who in the end didn't give a rats butt. I'm not holding out hope for him or "a wishing and a praying" of his return for me. I'm not saying I don't think about him-b/c I do. I just don't let it consume me. I still have my worries if I run into him and her, etc. but what can I do? Edited July 25, 2013 by hippetyhop 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 So you are already broken up though, right? You never tried to stir things up when things were happy between you and MM? I'm curious about the psychology of it. I think that I'd be one of the "accidentally on purpose" category, but I really don't know.. Yes, we are done. I did fantasize about telling the W or having her "find out" when I figured out that the story about him being separated was crap. I never did anything, but wanted to. I guess the psychology of it was that I wanted his M over, because I wanted him and/or if he was to stay married, I wanted him to suffer for making me feel jilted. That is the honest answer. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Good lord no. If I was going to tell I would just tell. That is far too passive aggressive for me. If you want to tell, then just tell. I respect that. I think I'm passive aggressive. I've debated calling the W, but don't feel like adding that to my list of shame. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 Yes, we are done. I did fantasize about telling the W or having her "find out" when I figured out that the story about him being separated was crap. I never did anything, but wanted to. I guess the psychology of it was that I wanted his M over, because I wanted him and/or if he was to stay married, I wanted him to suffer for making me feel jilted. That is the honest answer. I can only imagine. Was he bad mouthing the BS during A? That must be so confusing, to be hearing one thing from someone you think really cares about you, and probably form a negative opinion about BS based on what he said? Then he turns around and wants to make nice with her. Argghgghhgh so frustrating! Now I am starting to understand how some OW can develop animosity toward BS, and think she is out of her mind for taking him back, wondering how could she NOT know..... (Not saying that's you!) I swear there is nothing worse on this planet than a compulsively lying man who refuses to make a decision and stick to it. And then CRY about it when they grt caught! I'm so glad I don't have kids with xbf and we aren't married. Every day that passes I start to despise him more and more. What a loser. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 Why would anyone knowingly get involved with a married man then suddenly decide his wife needs to know? I don't understand the psychology behind that. Our OW tipped me off and I think, jeez, is there anyone she would not throw under the bus, is there anyone she gives a rip about.....honor among thieves, I guess not.... Just seems to me, if I willingly put myself in that position, I would be be enough to deal with it and know my place. I just don't get it. Make your bed and lie in it. Now, of course this does not apply to the few of you that we're lied to and not told the truth. So you are BS and the OW told you and created DDay? An you would rather she did not? I don't know- I wish one of the 8 or 10 girls my ex had banged would have alerted me to what was going on, so I didn't get lied to and tricked and just waste the last year of my life not knowing my ass from my elbow. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Yes, we are done. I did fantasize about telling the W or having her "find out" when I figured out that the story about him being separated was crap. I never did anything, but wanted to. I guess the psychology of it was that I wanted his M over, because I wanted him and/or if he was to stay married, I wanted him to suffer for making me feel jilted. That is the honest answer. I can relate. With me being miserable ending it, deep down I hope he is just a tad bit miserable as well. A big blow up d-day I think would cause more agony and stress. I hoped that ending it on my terms will for once make him feel how I did when the A was pretty much all on his terms. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I can only imagine. Was he bad mouthing the BS during A? That must be so confusing, to be hearing one thing from someone you think really cares about you, and probably form a negative opinion about BS based on what he said? Then he turns around and wants to make nice with her. Argghgghhgh so frustrating! Now I am starting to understand how some OW can develop animosity toward BS, and think she is out of her mind for taking him back, wondering how could she NOT know..... (Not saying that's you!) I swear there is nothing worse on this planet than a compulsively lying man who refuses to make a decision and stick to it. And then CRY about it when they grt caught! I'm so glad I don't have kids with xbf and we aren't married. Every day that passes I start to despise him more and more. What a loser. I don't have animosity toward the BS. I feel for her being in the dark...and yet I am not up to telling her the honest truth about her life. Maybe someday (doubt it) her H will. I think, from what I've heard, she is a nice, attractive hard working woman. My exMM tried to go down the road of saying bad things about her, but it never stuck, so he stopped. He just claimed the usual "sexless co-parent" thing. I suspect that was a big, fat lie. I"d love to call her and ask her about it, but I think that would create a big huge mess which I've been trying to avoid by going NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodbye Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Why would anyone knowingly get involved with a married man then suddenly decide his wife needs to know? I don't understand the psychology behind that. Our OW tipped me off and I think, jeez, is there anyone she would not throw under the bus, is there anyone she gives a rip about.....honor among thieves, I guess not.... Just seems to me, if I willingly put myself in that position, I would be be enough to deal with it and know my place. I just don't get it. Make your bed and lie in it. Now, of course this does not apply to the few of you that we're lied to and not told the truth. I get your opinion, but I'm not sure it really answers the OP's question? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 I can relate. With me being miserable ending it, deep down I hope he is just a tad bit miserable as well. A big blow up d-day I think would cause more agony and stress. I hoped that ending it on my terms will for once make him feel how I did when the A was pretty much all on his terms. I think too that once your angry feelings go away, at some point you will be glad you let BS know, not just to hurt MM but because she was being tricked and fooled by this guy too... I'm sure plenty of women feel angry and pissed at the OW, but I believe telling is the right thing to do in the long run. Not just for her- obviously some dont even want to know, but how is living a lie better than knowing the truth? Living a lie SUCKS. It makes you feel like you are going crazy, literally losing your mind from constant cognitive dissonance and that unsettled feeling that is your intuition telling you something is NOT RIGHT, but then there is lovely WS telling you how much they love you and would never hurt you and you are just paranoid and blah blah blah.. It's such a waste of time and energy. Plus if you tell you can close the chapter completely with no loose ends, knowing you stopped participating in the deception. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hippetyhop Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I think too that once your angry feelings go away, at some point you will be glad you let BS know, not just to hurt MM but because she was being tricked and fooled by this guy too... I'm sure plenty of women feel angry and pissed at the OW, but I believe telling is the right thing to do in the long run. Not just for her- obviously some dont even want to know, but how is living a lie better than knowing the truth? Living a lie SUCKS. It makes you feel like you are going crazy, literally losing your mind from constant cognitive dissonance and that unsettled feeling that is your intuition telling you something is NOT RIGHT, but then there is lovely WS telling you how much they love you and would never hurt you and you are just paranoid and blah blah blah.. It's such a waste of time and energy. Plus if you tell you can close the chapter completely with no loose ends, knowing you stopped participating in the deception. At the end of the day, I think the BS will find out the truth. I'm not saying it will be from me, but I see him cheating on her again. The next one might not be as nice me. Are you going to tell the BS? Although living a lie does suck, it brings people some type of satisfaction and enjoyment in their lives. If not, I don't think we will be here lol. At the end of the day, as much as I miss him, I'm utterly relieved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 I don't have animosity toward the BS. I feel for her being in the dark...and yet I am not up to telling her the honest truth about her life. Maybe someday (doubt it) her H will. I think, from what I've heard, she is a nice, attractive hard working woman. My exMM tried to go down the road of saying bad things about her, but it never stuck, so he stopped. He just claimed the usual "sexless co-parent" thing. I suspect that was a big, fat lie. I"d love to call her and ask her about it, but I think that would create a big huge mess which I've been trying to avoid by going NC. Yeah I doubt he will ever tell. Wait till you feel stronger and moved on completely, and if it nags at you down the road, send her an anonamous email from a throwaway account, let her know very simply what happened, offer to answer any questions she has, wait a couple weeks and if she doesn't reply, close the email account and be done with it. I just worry about things like him turning into a serial cheat and her not having a clue about what hes been up to, and him bringing home some nasty STI or HIV. That happened to my friends mom when we were in high school- she had married her HS sweetheart, raised his kids, only had sex with one man in her life and turned up HIV positive in her 50's. the doctor could NOT figure out what was wrong with her for a long time, she kept getting sick and it just didnt occur to either of them to test for STD's. what was worse was that several of her friends knew her husband was running around on her for years, and nobody said boo. Obviously that's different, they were supposed to be her friends, but still. Human beings are human beings, we gotta look out for each other Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 Just curious, if during the A (past or present), you ever "accidentally on purpose" (or just flat out on purpose) did little things to try to make BS suspicious? Like, drop an earring in the car, text late at night, etc... If so, why? What types of things did you do? What was your motivation? What made you drop hints instead of contacting her ananamously or having a friend pretend to be a concerned 3rd party? If you were very very careful to keep the affair a secret, why? What was your motivation? Thanks No. The nature of mine was such that I was never in her space or their shared spaces so there wouldn't be much I could have done by way of physical evidence to let her know, except flat out find her email or something and email her, which I never did. Because of the nature, long distance, and also her not living with him, I did not have to go out of my way to be secretive as she and I were worlds apart. It was the perfect situation for my AP actually . As it was very low risk of him being caught. I have read on other forums though where OW seem to be very cognizant of sticking it to the BS and it's a kind of competition for them so they relish in talking about doing it in her bed and hope she found their hair and bodily secretions etc. I can only conclude that people who do that have a sick preoccupation that is hardly even about the man but more a competition, and for others who try to be caught, maybe they believe that will cause the BS to dump the WS so they can have them and so it's a desperate act on their part. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betterthanthis13 Posted July 25, 2013 Author Share Posted July 25, 2013 At the end of the day, I think the BS will find out the truth. I'm not saying it will be from me, but I see him cheating on her again. The next one might not be as nice me. Are you going to tell the BS? Although living a lie does suck, it brings people some type of satisfaction and enjoyment in their lives. If not, I don't think we will be here lol. At the end of the day, as much as I miss him, I'm utterly relieved. You are so much better off without all that stress. I was the BS- but my xbf wasn't having an affair, he is apparently a sex addict that likes one night stands with prostitutes and women from Ashley Madison..... So there was no real OW to tell me anything. I found out about one girl last year, and forgave him and took him back- BIG MISTAKE Took me a year to finally get the truth from him. I will never trust that guy again. He is getting therapy and going to SAA meetings but so what. It's way too late. I'm disgusted by him now. So it's really fun still living together- LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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