Did you ever try to let BS know on the sly?

[Betterthanthis13]

No.

 

The nature of mine was such that I was never in her space or their shared spaces so there wouldn't be much I could have done by way of physical evidence to let her know, except flat out find her email or something and email her, which I never did.

 

Because of the nature, long distance, and also her not living with him, I did not have to go out of my way to be secretive as she and I were worlds apart. It was the perfect situation for my AP actually . As it was very low risk of him being caught.

 

I have read on other forums though where OW seem to be very cognizant of sticking it to the BS and it's a kind of competition for them so they relish in talking about doing it in her bed and hope she found their hair and bodily secretions etc. I can only conclude that people who do that have a sick preoccupation that is hardly even about the man but more a competition, and for others who try to be caught, maybe they believe that will cause the BS to dump the WS so they can have them and so it's a desperate act on their part.

 

Well I can attest to the fact that women can do some crazy shiz when they are being strung along and lied to- I am ashamed of some of the crazy stuff i did after fake DDay #1 last year- yikes so even though that all sounds horrible with the body secretions and stuff, I still place 99% blame on the WS.... He committed the crime, she just drove the getaway car.

 

Your situation sounds really atypical- I've read some of your posts here and there, you always have insightful things to say but I am definitely confused on the dynamics of your A

[canuckprincess]

Before dday I didn't purposely do things to tip her off but there were dozens of times where we would be at the same place at the same time. He would wink or wave or blow me a kiss while she was off in her own world. Since she knows about me now the only thing I do is post on this site and yes she reads my posts, I do it so she is not blindsided when there is another dday. I have no idea how or what he does at home that makes her think I'm just a bunny boiler that can't get over a mm that dumped me to save his marriage.

[j'adore]

No never hinted, apart from I refused to accept her attempts at friendship with me (big flag), then I told her to her face as gently as I could, and I swore it was the truth. She chose to ignore it. Others have told her, i don't know who it was but I am guessing it was her own daughter by anon e mail.

 

She chose to ignore it. She now lives in total denial. If I cannot call him by mobile, sometimes, I ring the home and put down the phone if she answers, he then calls me.... bizarre. If she does not care about the marriage, and he does not, why should I?

He obviously lost respect for her when she did nothing and I do not care about her knowing now. I am sorry that she does nothing about it but maybe she is really not that bothered.

[MissBee]

Well I can attest to the fact that women can do some crazy shiz when they are being strung along and lied to- I am ashamed of some of the crazy stuff i did after fake DDay #1 last year- yikes so even though that all sounds horrible with the body secretions and stuff, I still place 99% blame on the WS.... He committed the crime, she just drove the getaway car.

 

Your situation sounds really atypical- I've read some of your posts here and there, you always have insightful things to say but I am definitely confused on the dynamics of your A

 

I think mine was atypical in the sense that first off, he wasn't a married man but committed. He was in a LTR with the mother of his child. They used to live together, but when I met him, they didn't live together because she worked out of town, and the nature of her work required her to stay where her job was. So in a sense, they also essentially had a long distance relationship. They commuted to be together. So in my case it wasn't a case of him having a wife at home he had to tip toe around and lie to daily, which made things easier for him and gave him more freedom to essentially carry on parallel relationships

 

He and I were longer distance though, because I lived in another country. I met him in my home country on a visit, which is also where he's from, and we exchanged info for networking purposes. I travel back and forth between the U.S. and my home country and so does he for business, so that's how we met and developed a relationship later on, and we'd see each other when I was on a visit there or he was in the U.S. on business or visiting his dad. When it became an A, he could use the excuse of business/family to visit me.For a long time I didn't know the nature of their relationship. When I met him it wasn't in a romantic context so I wasn't paying attention to his personal life, and we only spoke sporadically at first and it was platonic. He mentioned he had a child and a gf, but I forgot about it, as he wasn't on my radar romantically and we went sometimes months without speaking and when we did speak it was through IM for a short period of time. When we started talking and hanging out more, and he started to pursue me romantically, I just assumed he no longer had a gf, which was easy to assume (although now I would NEVER do that again).

 

I never went to his home when I was in my home country, although he wanted me to and although she didn't live there primarily. His child lived with him and she was his gf and during our relationship she was free to pop up at his home unannounced and did so, so I was like yeah right, I would never stay at your place! He came to visit me more, as in my home country everyone knows everyone, he was well-known, and people would talk and word would eventually get back tot her. Whereas in the States we were free to be a normal couple with no one batting an eyelid about it, hence, she and I were worlds apart and I didn't have an opportunity to be in her space to do anything like leave physical evidence and we were separated enough that there would be little she could do to me to ruin my life.

Edited July 25, 2013 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Perhaps subconsciously. I got out of the car and he comes up behind me holding up a tube of lipstick. I recognize it as mine. "Where'd you get that?" (Dumb question, LOL.) "In the car!" It must have fallen out of my purse. He wasn't even upset. I think he really wanted to get caught.

 

One time I saw some glitter on his face. Must have been my make up. I didn't tell him it was there, LOL.

 

My hair used to be more blonde than it is now, and I saw a strand in his dark colored hoodie, LOL. I didn't say anything.

 

Am I mean?? Was I subconsciously trying to get him caught out?

 

It wasn't subconscious...it was clearly conscious, especially given the 172432 threads you would post here about ddays and if we think his fiance knows about you and if this means she knows or not etc. It was a preoccupation with her knowledge of you and him. So I'd say it was very explicit that you wanted him to get caught...nothing subtle at all about that desire.

[MissBee]

I think it's a quite realistic concern, given all the shows on ID Network.

 

 

Well....just saying, it wasn't a secret that you were preoccupied with her finding out, so I doubt you wanting him caught was subconscious, but rather, very conscious, based on all you've shared. That's all.

[Betterthanthis13]

Perhaps subconsciously. I got out of the car and he comes up behind me holding up a tube of lipstick. I recognize it as mine. "Where'd you get that?" (Dumb question, LOL.) "In the car!" It must have fallen out of my purse. He wasn't even upset. I think he really wanted to get caught.

 

One time I saw some glitter on his face. Must have been my make up. I didn't tell him it was there, LOL.

 

My hair used to be more blonde than it is now, and I saw a strand in his dark colored hoodie, LOL. I didn't say anything.

 

Am I mean?? Was I subconsciously trying to get him caught out?

 

I don't know WHY, but that is the type of stuff I imagine I would do. Maybe because that's normal-ish early-girlfriend behavior? Marking territory a bit? Guys do it too, especially when first dating, the baseball cap left in your car, the tshirt left on your bed, etc.

 

It's all on purpose I guess no accidentally on purpose.

I would think the more difficult thing to do would be to stay hyper aware of trying to never leaving a trace of yourself- that has to be a bit nerve wracking, as well as annoying, no?

[Betterthanthis13]

MBee- thanks for the story- that doesn't sound like they were even really together? Sort of half heartedly slowly ending it- it's situations like those where I wonder why they weren't just honest with each other, about the possibility of transitioning out of the relationship, starting to see other people, remaining friends for the daughter's sake, tying up loose ends... That is where my newfound interest in polyamory relationships comes from. Seems like more often than not, spouses just DONT communicate- they assume they know what the other one wants, and nobody wants to be the "bad guy" and dissolve a relationship that has already died.. So they go on in this zombie state telling each other what they think the other wants to hear and let things drag on.

 

I'm just rambling, about things in general, their relationship may have been nothing like that, I have no idea. Did he have specific reasons why he wanted to keep you a secret for so long?

[MissBee]

MBee- thanks for the story- that doesn't sound like they were even really together? Sort of half heartedly slowly ending it- it's situations like those where I wonder why they weren't just honest with each other, about the possibility of transitioning out of the relationship, starting to see other people, remaining friends for the daughter's sake, tying up loose ends... That is where my newfound interest in polyamory relationships comes from. Seems like more often than not, spouses just DONT communicate- they assume they know what the other one wants, and nobody wants to be the "bad guy" and dissolve a relationship that has already died.. So they go on in this zombie state telling each other what they think the other wants to hear and let things drag on.

 

I'm just rambling, about things in general, their relationship may have been nothing like that, I have no idea. Did he have specific reasons why he wanted to keep you a secret for so long?

 

He kept me a secret (except from his friends, whom I'm sure were all cheating too anyway, so they wouldn't tell and it is a cultural norm for one's boys to have your back on that ) because they were very much still fully in a relationship, so he was maintaining two relationships essentially.I also didn't know much about their relationship, as unlike some, he did not go on and on about it and tell me details about their relationship or complain about her. He told me he loved me and her too, and their relationship was fine like any other. That was his response one time when I asked him about them, as I assumed it must have been bad/he was out of love etc. However, according to him, that was not the case. I was totally surprised,confused and didn't know what to make of that at the time. He thewn told me his feelings for her have nothing to do with me, and it's different and blah blah smh.

[cocorico]

I can see how you would interpret her non-reaction as "she really didnt want to know". That makes sense. To me, I would think she probably already knew? And her desire to keep things "the same" and just go back to business as usual was her top priority. Like a Dont Ask Dont Tell policy- if she ignores it she doesn't have to deal with it. That sounds like a terrible marriage to be in for both of them, very depressing.

 

Are you and MM still together?

 

Yes. We're now M.

[Betterthanthis13]

So you are BS and the OW told you and created DDay? An you would rather she did not?

 

 

Thats a tough one-as I have said before, if I had the choice I would have had her give my husband a time frame to tell me or she would-but instead it was an anon text followed by about 6 months (so far) of crazy- obviously I hav strong feelings about people that knowingly get involved in a situation, say they are good with it and then go off the deep end causing much more damage than needed all because they are being forced to live their own bad choice

 

 

That's really horrifying that WS is letting the situation drag on this long- 6 months? Does he want both of you to end up in a mental hospital? Is he enjoying this?

 

Yeah, the you tell or I will sounds like the best option but... also kind of scary in a way- it's an ultimatum, a threat- threats don't always go over very well with people.

Is he still contacting her? Why is she still freaking out? He must be trying to get her to "hang in there" ? I don't know. Maybe just like sometimes there really is a mental case BS, you have a mental case AP? Achems Razor says the simplest answer is usually right- I'd bet he's still trying to play both of you. Put a gPS o his car. Or just pack his bags and kick him out. Get some peace for a week or two to clear your head. What did Oprah say? If a man loves you, nothing will make him leave, if he doesn't, nothing will make him stay.

 

My awesome guy managed to fool me for an entire year after fake DDay #1. How? Beats the fork out of me. I am not stupid. I guess I believed what I wanted to...

 

Man, these WS's!!!!!!!!! Bloody hell. Freaking cowards.

 

On topic- why would anyone need to do anything on the sly, why not just lie in the bed you made or be upfront and honest- involving the BS in your game playing makes a bad situation worse and ramps up the selfishness-its twisted

 

I can't speak on behalf of OW's, but one thing I read about that gave me some comfort----maybe these ladies can weigh in on whether any parts of it might be true (in some cases) or not? I know I'm in the OW forum right now, so I don't want to say anything inflammatory or make assumptions about any person on here's personal experience- but these next thoughts helped me in the first few weeks, and still do now- because they let me see something I didn't understand AT ALL on day 1 (could not comprehend the cheating and lies,no joke)

 

That it really was just a couple of human beings just like me who wanted tobe happy. They made a series of bad choices and got in over their heads, because WS brain was stuck in indecision, and they started acting like teenagers who are getting away with something they are not supposed to be doing, but is really really fun and they don't want to think about consequences---

 

-the AP's, partially because of the nature of their relationship with all the secrecy, and the newness of it compared to the long term more comfortable love between BS and WS (new relationship energy, that "magic") and the fact that OW is subconsciously in a "competitive" state of mind, all of these factors heighten the dopamine and oxytocin in the brain, as well as keep up the levels of adrenaline. The BS(unbeknownst to her) is placed in a position of being the wet rag, the rain on the parade... similar to when you are a teenager with your first boyfriend and he wants to see you so so so bad he will risk getting in trouble just to climb out of his window at 2 am and sneak over to see you, stay up all night with you just laughing and talking, laying in the grass in summertime looking up at the stars.

 

This combination of feelings, combined with the fact that the AP's genuinely have affection for each other, maybe even falling in love, makes it almost a Romeo and Juliet star-crossed lovers type of scenario.

 

Yes, totally unfair (in most cases) to BS, but that is not what they are thinking about. They are 17 again, feeling alive and rebellious, making promises to each other and getting in their precious stolen moments.

 

I remember that feeling from when I was 17- oh it was a long time ago, but I can still remember how exciting it all was.

 

Point being----Teenagers in love are not known to be rational, or make any logical sense in their decisions. They are operating on emotion, not making well thought out choices. Then they are all caught up in it- and then what? They try not to think about getting caught.

 

I'm witness to all this right now with my son- he's in that age range, and he's "in love" right now- and they are just so silly, it's adorable but totally illogical.

 

It sucks- it's a harsh reality to learn you, the one who has been by his side all this time, has been cast aside to play prison warden- and you didn't even know that was your role!!! You were just operating on business as usual. (Of course there are exceptions for the BS's who are having their own affair, checked out of the marriage years ago and there really is a sexless marriage, they have a serious drug problem, yada yada)

 

But... Many times the BW or BH is just a normal person who has no isea anything is even really wrong- they are oblivious, then slightly suspicious, then the cognitive dissonance starts kicking in and the crazy making begins. Then BAM!!!!! DDay.

 

It's just a sucky sucky situation for everyone. Who caused it? WS hands down- the ultimate responsibility lays on their shoulders- they had a choice to cheat or not, and they dove right in to the deep end without a second thought.

 

Unlike with your children- actual teenagers, this teenage love is NOT ADORABLE. It is insulting beyond words- crushes the self esteem- deflates the soul--racing thoughts- who? When? Where? How many times? Here? Who else knows? Do I have a STD? Oh my god!!! WHY?? is it me? Am I defective as a woman? What did I do?? why why why why why????

 

WS does not know why. He gives the blank stare and says sorry over and over like a 5 year old.

 

Dday is like being stabbed repeatedly, then run over by a truck, then kicked in the face and pushed off a cliff. AP and WS have known about the reality of the situation all along- and BS is blindsided.

 

THEN, if the WS wants to R- add more insult to injury- (I just won a contest? I did not know I was competing!) WS not only goes into a blameshifting, lie telling act worthy of a SAG award for daytime television, they go through- no Im not kidding- WITHDRAWAL for their AP- oh my god! how that burns. (If they aren't still in contact) most of the time they are. In my case the withdrawal was for escorts. And porn. And plenty of fish. And adult friend finder. Vomit!!

 

But... it doesn't burn in a way that you can react to- its like being on fire and you can feel every bit of it, but you are paralyzed and can't move and can't put it out - just burn and burn, in shock! and WS is standing there babbling about how you weren't attentive enough and were kind of mean to him that one time. Oh and no, he can not remember a single detail. Nada.

 

Well that was my experience anyway. Only I didn't get a real woman with a name and a face to hate on- I just get a website and some pics of escorts . Oh and one girl at the gym. Lol. All in all that was probably better- I had to focus all my initial anger on what's- his-face. What a dumbass.

[ladydesigner]

That's really horrifying that WS is letting the situation drag on this long- 6 months? Does he want both of you to end up in a mental hospital? Is he enjoying this?

 

Yeah, the you tell or I will sounds like the best option but... also kind of scary in a way- it's an ultimatum, a threat- threats don't always go over very well with people.

Is he still contacting her? Why is she still freaking out? He must be trying to get her to "hang in there" ? I don't know. Maybe just like sometimes there really is a mental case BS, you have a mental case AP? Achems Razor says the simplest answer is usually right- I'd bet he's still trying to play both of you. Put a gPS o his car. Or just pack his bags and kick him out. Get some peace for a week or two to clear your head. What did Oprah say? If a man loves you, nothing will make him leave, if he doesn't, nothing will make him stay.

 

My awesome guy managed to fool me for an entire year after fake DDay #1. How? Beats the fork out of me. I am not stupid. I guess I believed what I wanted to...

 

Man, these WS's!!!!!!!!! Bloody hell. Freaking cowards.

 

On topic- why would anyone need to do anything on the sly, why not just lie in the bed you made or be upfront and honest- involving the BS in your game playing makes a bad situation worse and ramps up the selfishness-its twisted

 

I can't speak on behalf of OW's, but one thing I read about that gave me some comfort----maybe these ladies can weigh in on whether any parts of it might be true (in some cases) or not? I know I'm in the OW forum right now, so I don't want to say anything inflammatory or make assumptions about any person on here's personal experience- but these next thoughts helped me in the first few weeks, and still do now- because they let me see something I didn't understand AT ALL on day 1 (could not comprehend the cheating and lies,no joke)

 

That it really was just a couple of human beings just like me who wanted tobe happy. They made a series of bad choices and got in over their heads, because WS brain was stuck in indecision, and they started acting like teenagers who are getting away with something they are not supposed to be doing, but is really really fun and they don't want to think about consequences---

 

-the AP's, partially because of the nature of their relationship with all the secrecy, and the newness of it compared to the long term more comfortable love between BS and WS (new relationship energy, that "magic") and the fact that OW is subconsciously in a "competitive" state of mind, all of these factors heighten the dopamine and oxytocin in the brain, as well as keep up the levels of adrenaline. The BS(unbeknownst to her) is placed in a position of being the wet rag, the rain on the parade... similar to when you are a teenager with your first boyfriend and he wants to see you so so so bad he will risk getting in trouble just to climb out of his window at 2 am and sneak over to see you, stay up all night with you just laughing and talking, laying in the grass in summertime looking up at the stars.

 

This combination of feelings, combined with the fact that the AP's genuinely have affection for each other, maybe even falling in love, makes it almost a Romeo and Juliet star-crossed lovers type of scenario.

 

Yes, totally unfair (in most cases) to BS, but that is not what they are thinking about. They are 17 again, feeling alive and rebellious, making promises to each other and getting in their precious stolen moments.

 

I remember that feeling from when I was 17- oh it was a long time ago, but I can still remember how exciting it all was.

 

Point being----Teenagers in love are not known to be rational, or make any logical sense in their decisions. They are operating on emotion, not making well thought out choices. Then they are all caught up in it- and then what? They try not to think about getting caught.

 

I'm witness to all this right now with my son- he's in that age range, and he's "in love" right now- and they are just so silly, it's adorable but totally illogical.

 

It sucks- it's a harsh reality to learn you, the one who has been by his side all this time, has been cast aside to play prison warden- and you didn't even know that was your role!!! You were just operating on business as usual. (Of course there are exceptions for the BS's who are having their own affair, checked out of the marriage years ago and there really is a sexless marriage, they have a serious drug problem, yada yada)

 

But... Many times the BW or BH is just a normal person who has no isea anything is even really wrong- they are oblivious, then slightly suspicious, then the cognitive dissonance starts kicking in and the crazy making begins. Then BAM!!!!! DDay.

 

It's just a sucky sucky situation for everyone. Who caused it? WS hands down- the ultimate responsibility lays on their shoulders- they had a choice to cheat or not, and they dove right in to the deep end without a second thought.

 

Unlike with your children- actual teenagers, this teenage love is NOT ADORABLE. It is insulting beyond words- crushes the self esteem- deflates the soul--racing thoughts- who? When? Where? How many times? Here? Who else knows? Do I have a STD? Oh my god!!! WHY?? is it me? Am I defective as a woman? What did I do?? why why why why why????

 

WS does not know why. He gives the blank stare and says sorry over and over like a 5 year old.

 

Dday is like being stabbed repeatedly, then run over by a truck, then kicked in the face and pushed off a cliff. AP and WS have known about the reality of the situation all along- and BS is blindsided.

 

THEN, if the WS wants to R- add more insult to injury- (I just won a contest? I did not know I was competing!) WS not only goes into a blameshifting, lie telling act worthy of a SAG award for daytime television, they go through- no Im not kidding- WITHDRAWAL for their AP- oh my god! how that burns. (If they aren't still in contact) most of the time they are. In my case the withdrawal was for escorts. And porn. And plenty of fish. And adult friend finder. Vomit!!

 

But... it doesn't burn in a way that you can react to- its like being on fire and you can feel every bit of it, but you are paralyzed and can't move and can't put it out - just burn and burn, in shock! and WS is standing there babbling about how you weren't attentive enough and were kind of mean to him that one time. Oh and no, he can not remember a single detail. Nada.

 

Well that was my experience anyway. Only I didn't get a real woman with a name and a face to hate on- I just get a website and some pics of escorts . Oh and one girl at the gym. Lol. All in all that was probably better- I had to focus all my initial anger on what's- his-face. What a dumbass.

 

This is a great post that describes exactly what I felt like on and after DDay. I still cry every other day and the thoughts about the A are still with me all day, but not 24/7 like it was in the beginning. Affairs cause PTSD to the BS and that is no joke and the WS just acts like they don't know what just happened

 

Oh also wanted to add that the broken NC that ensued after DDay caused me to go to the mental hospital, not once, but twice.

[Betterthanthis13]

He kept me a secret (except from his friends, whom I'm sure were all cheating too anyway, so they wouldn't tell and it is a cultural norm for one's boys to have your back on that ) because they were very much still fully in a relationship, so he was maintaining two relationships essentially.I also didn't know much about their relationship, as unlike some, he did not go on and on about it and tell me details about their relationship or complain about her. He told me he loved me and her too, and their relationship was fine like any other. That was his response one time when I asked him about them, as I assumed it must have been bad/he was out of love etc. However, according to him, that was not the case. I was totally surprised,confused and didn't know what to make of that at the time. He thewn told me his feelings for her have nothing to do with me, and it's different and blah blah smh.

 

Wow, how did you feel about that? Hearing he still loved her must have been difficult to process- but I do (semi) admire him for being honest about it at least.

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes. We're now M.

 

Oh wow! Congrats

 

(Is that weird for me to say?)

 

I mean it though. I'm happy for you. It's a shame he was slow to take action back then- the marriage must have been broken and over- sometimes we hurt people when we don't intend to, by trying NOT to hurt them, by shielding them from the truth- when the truth would have done just fine and caused less anguish on all sides.

[MissBee]

Wow, how did you feel about that? Hearing he still loved her must have been difficult to process- but I do (semi) admire him for being honest about it at least.

 

I felt slapped in the face. People don't often admit it, but most times in an affair, an OW doesn't want to hear he loves his wife/SO just as much or even more than her, but most want to feel like they are special, primary and exclusive and are doing something the BS doesn't do.

 

I preferred his honesty though over him either lying or berating her in order to get me to feel special.

[Betterthanthis13]

This is a great post that describes exactly what I felt like on and after DDay. I still cry every other day and the thoughts about the A are still with me all day, but not 24/7 like it was in the beginning. Affairs cause PTSD to the BS and that is no joke and the WS just acts like they don't know what just happened

 

Oh also wanted to add that the broken NC that ensued after DDay caused me to go to the mental hospital, not once, but twice.

 

 

Ughhh.... Well hopefully they gave you some good happy meds- I think mine are starting to finally kick in

 

The analogy with the nagahyde chair is kind of lame- but the article on what real remorse looks like is great. If you aren't getting every bit of what chump lady says , don't bother with him. If he is giving you the runaround still, then do that 180 thing until he eithe leaves or gets his act together.

 

I wa a mess for about a month, it's getting better now. But after the first week or two of feeling like a hopeless victim and crying all the time, I just had enough of his lame I'm sorrys and just started ignoring him and avoiding him as much as possible. If he was in the living room is go in the bedroom. If he came in the bedroom I'd go outside. If he came outside Id leave for a few hours. I was polite but I couldn't stand the thought of listening to one NOT ONE more lie or I was going to stab him in the face. I told him that and I think he is still kind of scared of me but I do not care. I just want him to go away.

 

They can sense that kind of thing you know. They KNOW the minute you truly give up on them. They sense it like rabid hyenas. THEN they want to make things right. Screw that. I can do better.

 

Real Remorse? Or Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse?

[2sure]

In hindsight I've sometimes wondered if some of the red flags that were explained away in my marriage were one of the OW hoping he would get caught.

 

His phone would receive in the middle of the night. Wrong number.

He sometimes would get a work call he wouldn't take. On his work phone. Which was strange for him.

 

He worked for the public . We would get quite a bit of anonymous mail from admirers and haters. Oddballs too. Automatically discarded.

 

I questioned everything , with more concern as time went on. He deceived me.

I wonder if any of the OW he was with thought I must know, given the red flags I described.

[Betterthanthis13]

I felt slapped in the face. People don't often admit it, but most times in an affair, an OW doesn't want to hear he loves his wife/SO just as much or even more than her, but most want to feel like they are special, primary and exclusive and are doing something the BS doesn't do.

 

I preferred his honesty though over him either lying or berating her in order to get me to feel special.

 

It is so true- I'd rather be stung a bit with the truth any day of the week than told what I want to hear and it be a lie.

[Betterthanthis13]

In hindsight I've sometimes wondered if some of the red flags that were explained away in my marriage were one of the OW hoping he would get caught.

 

His phone would receive in the middle of the night. Wrong number.

He sometimes would get a work call he wouldn't take. On his work phone. Which was strange for him.

 

He worked for the public . We would get quite a bit of anonymous mail from admirers and haters. Oddballs too. Automatically discarded.

 

I questioned everything , with more concern as time went on. He deceived me.

I wonder if any of the OW he was with thought I must know, given the red flags I described.

 

Your man had multiple OW also? How fun. I was told it was "one girl one time" on fake DDay #1. It wasn't. It was many. Like, a LOT. And as much as my gut told me there was still something wrong, he was very convincing and swore on his dead grandmother he had just made that one mistake. So after a few months I took him back....

The way I found out about the "one girl one time" girl was a lovely black and pink thong (not mine) in a pillowcase.

[2sure]

Your man had multiple OW also? How fun. I was told it was "one girl one time" on fake DDay #1. It wasn't. It was many. Like, a LOT. And as much as my gut told me there was still something wrong, he was very convincing and swore on his dead grandmother he had just made that one mistake. So after a few months I took him back....

The way I found out about the "one girl one time" girl was a lovely black and pink thong (not mine) in a pillowcase.

 

Mine was a lot like yours. Serial cheaters are a special kind of hell. They don't cheat because they don't lve you or because they love someone else they love to cheat.

 

Craigslist, the whole thing, I'm with you .

[Got it]

Hehe that's awesome. What makes you not want to tell? It seems to me like the desire to tell would almost always be strong- I don't know if I could stop myself even if I tried, that's why I think I'd end up doing things "accidentally on purpose", kind of subconsciously... wow I really have no idea, do I?

 

My xbf was a serial cheat sex addict who kept his activities to escorts, Ashley Madison hook ups and one night stands from POF and craigslist for the most part, so there was no OW- I don't know if it would have been easier or harder if it was one girl and they had a real relationship- I think probably harder? I think in a way I got off easier in that respect. But maybe not. Now when I go anywhere and there are a lot of people I think "hmmmm I wonder how many of the women in the immediate area that jackhole banged?" Ugh.

 

There was one girl, the one he copped to last year-I talked to her briefly. She had only known him a couple of weeks and had no idea I existed... We commiserated on what a doucheb*g he was and that was when I left him.... I am so mad at myself for getting sucked back in. Blah.

 

I hope I'm not bothering you ladies, I'm just trying to see things from the other side.

 

Because I would ask myself, "And then what?" What happens if I do that? What do I have to gain? What is the outcome? And what do I lose control over? Am I telling because I feel it is the right thing to do or am I doing it to tip his/my hand? And frankly if I have to tell to elicit a response from him then I am not going to get the response I want and I will just walk.

 

Mainly I didn't tell because I had too much ego to do that. I did walk away though. I wasn't going to tell because I felt that I wanted to end the affair, remorseful about it and felt that it needed to be in the open. The few times after we broke up that I thought about it, it was to get a response, to get a little revenge, and to get things out in the open. But I knew that I couldn't promise myself or anyone else that I wouldn't start back up with him (not beyond a shadow of a doubt) so I wasn't going to tell and then go back on everything. That just seemed worse for me.

 

So I walked away, miserable, but never had a real desire to interact with the BS even after dday. She really didn't seem to have a major desire to interact with me either. And we haven't to this day, even though I am married to him now.

[Betterthanthis13]

Because I would ask myself, "And then what?" What happens if I do that? What do I have to gain? What is the outcome? And what do I lose control over? Am I telling because I feel it is the right thing to do or am I doing it to tip his/my hand? And frankly if I have to tell to elicit a response from him then I am not going to get the response I want and I will just walk.

 

Mainly I didn't tell because I had too much ego to do that. I did walk away though. I wasn't going to tell because I felt that I wanted to end the affair, remorseful about it and felt that it needed to be in the open. The few times after we broke up that I thought about it, it was to get a response, to get a little revenge, and to get things out in the open. But I knew that I couldn't promise myself or anyone else that I wouldn't start back up with him (not beyond a shadow of a doubt) so I wasn't going to tell and then go back on everything. That just seemed worse for me.

 

So I walked away, miserable, but never had a real desire to interact with the BS even after dday. She really didn't seem to have a major desire to interact with me either. And we haven't to this day, even though I am married to him now.

 

I didn't even think about that, not being certain you could keep no contact... NC is so hard.

 

This might get my BS card revoked (good I don't want it anyway)

But, I think something that is nearly impossible for BS's to fathom is that, sometimes their WS should be with AP, not them... It's not like there is a cookie cutter magic formula that dictates WS has to do R and all that- sometimes they dont act like it was a big mistake and put 150% effort into saving the marriage because... They don't want to. Maybe they try to make it look good for awhile because of shame and guilt, but their heart is with AP. what can you do?

 

It's just so sad that we all waste so much time in agony waiting for a man to just... Finally tell the truth. I sincerely think that is what is wrong with the whole system- not enough honesty, because of fear or a feeling of obligation, or a number of other unfortunate emotions that would be so much easier to deal with without all the confusion of lies and false promises surrounding it. Sometimes that band aid just needs to be ripped off.

[krazikat]

I didn't even think about that, not being certain you could keep no contact... NC is so hard.

 

This might get my BS card revoked (good I don't want it anyway)

But, I think something that is nearly impossible for BS's to fathom is that, sometimes their WS should be with AP, not them... It's not like there is a cookie cutter magic formula that dictates WS has to do R and all that- sometimes they dont act like it was a big mistake and put 150% effort into saving the marriage because... They don't want to. Maybe they try to make it look good for awhile because of shame and guilt, but their heart is with AP. what can you do?

 

It's just so sad that we all waste so much time in agony waiting for a man to just... Finally tell the truth. I sincerely think that is what is wrong with the whole system- not enough honesty, because of fear or a feeling of obligation, or a number of other unfortunate emotions that would be so much easier to deal with without all the confusion of lies and false promises surrounding it. Sometimes that band aid just needs to be ripped off.

 

Sorry but...you get to keep your BS card...

 

I agree that there could be cases where WS and BS just shouldn't be together anymore. Seriously, if WS really loves AP then he (or she) needs to man the f up and do right by both BS and AP and get a divorce. If I found out my h was still involved with ow, then I would tell him to kick rocks. There would be no more chances and his continued involvement would SHOW me that him and I were over with. Like I told his ow when she continued to harass me after dday, I am not one to cry and beg and break. If he wants her, have at it, but not if he wants to stay married to me...

 

Anyways, as far as AP leaving little hints...I never would have gotten the little hints....long blonde hair...well, my sisters are blonde and their hair is all over my house so gets on clothes, etc. Car, too. Make up, jewelry, check and check. He drives his sister and mom all over all the time. We would switch cars alot, too so both would be tainted and anything left easily explained away. His self employed gigs had him getting calls at all hours. If ow had left clues I am sure she would have grown frustrated or think I was ignoring the obvious...when really it would not be obvious...though I wish it would have been.

[Betterthanthis13]

Sorry but...you get to keep your BS card...

 

Darn it!!! ah well, I tried

[Betterthanthis13]

 

I agree that there could be cases where WS and BS just shouldn't be together anymore. Seriously, if WS really loves AP then he (or she) needs to man the f up and do right by both BS and AP and get a divorce. If I found out my h was still involved with ow, then I would tell him to kick rocks. There would be no more chances and his continued involvement would SHOW me that him and I were over with. Like I told his ow when she continued to harass me after dday, I am not one to cry and beg and break. If he wants her, have at it, but not if he wants to stay married to me...

 

Anyways, as far as AP leaving little hints...I never would have gotten the little hints....long blonde hair...well, my sisters are blonde and their hair is all over my house so gets on clothes, etc. Car, too. Make up, jewelry, check and check. He drives his sister and mom all over all the time. We would switch cars alot, too so both would be tainted and anything left easily explained away. His self employed gigs had him getting calls at all hours. If ow had left clues I am sure she would have grown frustrated or think I was ignoring the obvious...when really it would not be obvious...though I wish it would have been.

 

In hindsight, I did have plenty of clues, not from any girls (aside from the thong) but now that I finally know what I believe to be something that resembles the truth, I've had a lot of "OHHH!!!" moments, remembering little stupid things that didnt make sense at the time but now make perfect sense. I am amazed how oblivious I let myself be. So weird.