lance Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 This is kind of a long story but I will condense it as much as possible. My wife is a cocktail waitress at a local bar. She would stay out until 3am to 6 am about 5 nights a week. She said that usually they (her and the other waitresses) just sat in the bar and talked until she came home, or she would go to an after party for a while. We have been going out for about 4 years and married for about 15 months. I could not take this anymore so I told her I needed her home by 3 am at night, (she gets done with bar cleanup at about 1:30-2 am.) We both agreed that this was enough time for her to talk with her friends. On nights when she wanted to stay out past 3 she had to call me and let me know where she was going and when she would be home. This worked ok for about a month, then things were back to usual. She came home one night at about 6 am without calling me all night. I told her that she had worried and upset me and asked why she could not let me know where she was or when she would be home. She told me she didn’t want to come home because we were going to fight and that I was treating her like a teenager. She then told me she was not in love with me and wanted a divorce. (She said she was not cheating on me and I believe her.) She would not go to counseling or anything, it was over. She said we would see how we each felt after a month apart and talk about it then. She moved out and moved in with a friend of hers. Well its one-month later and we decided to meet and talk about what we were going to do. I told her I wanted her back and loved her and she admitted that she never stopped loving me. She said she wanted to come back but I told her she would have to quit her destructive job as a waitress (she has a BS in journalism and there are many jobs she could have) and she agreed it was a bad environment for a married person to be in. Then she told me that she had sex with a construction worker who had been coming into the bar days after the start of our "trial separation" several times. This guy is now in love with her and they had plans to move in together. She told me she realized that her place is with me and she loves me, but now whenever I look at her I can see her and this other guy having sex and I can’t get the image of my wife making love to another man out of my mind. I feel now that I have no trust in her at all. It’s always on my mind! Is there any hope for this marriage? We have an appointment to see a counselor but I can't see how that will help me trust her. I love her and want to trust her again but I don’t know if I can. Please help! Link to post Share on other sites
Scott S Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 She told me she realized that her place is with me and she loves me, but now whenever I look at her I can see her and this other guy having sex and I can’t get the image of my wife making love to another man out of my mind. I feel now that I have no trust in her at all. It’s always on my mind! Is there any hope for this marriage? We have an appointment to see a counselor but I can't see how that will help me trust her. I love her and want to trust her again but I don’t know if I can. Do you still sincerely love her? Are you stongly comitted to saving your relationship? Like anything else one attempts, one's success is a direct function of one's motivation to succeed. There is hope if you want it to be. She says she loves you. If you love her as much as you say, shouldn't you grant her the opportunity for amendment? I'm glad to hear you're going for counseling. I strongly urge you to go with an open mind, as well as an open heart. Granted that trust, once broken, is not easily re-earned. It will take time, but in order to save your marriage you really will need to do so. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 28, 2004 Share Posted October 28, 2004 Gee, nice to see she decided to go bang some bar patron once on the trial break. What a way to handle one's feelings. What the hell is wrong with people.... I say maybe go for some counseling with her. I'm like you...if I was with a woman and found out she was screwing another guy I couldn't get that image out of my head and wouldn't be able to trust her. Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Just take it slow with the physical side of your relationship, I'd say. Work on forgiving your wife for what she did and realize that for her it may have been a way for her to feel like she was getting back at you, or doing fine without you. I think a common reason for a woman to have casual sex during a breakup period is to feel attractive and powerful after the emotional damage and feelings of hatred and disgust that come with a fight and break with their partner. Of course you'll be jealous and upset. But remain confident around her and don't ACT jealous -- it will make you SO unattractive. Trust me. She'll be LESS likely to cheat on you or wish she could be with other men again if she sees you not acting jealous. But be aware that she wants you to be jealous, probably, and wants you to be sad -- so show her that a little. Just don't be insecure and don't picture your wife with this man in your mind, it'll only make you act resentful and angry, and that will make her leave you again! Link to post Share on other sites
j_nelson Posted November 1, 2004 Share Posted November 1, 2004 she was definitely banging this guy while you were together too...where else would she be till 6am? she only told you about it after you broke up so she wouldn't feel guilty....if you really love her i guess you could work things out (if you both agree to get professional help)....otherwise i say forget about her....there is no excuse for staying out that late without explanation unless she was hiding something/cheating....who's to say it wont happen again? Link to post Share on other sites
sexydreams1996 Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 Well I have to say that I totally understand what you are going through. My boyfriend of 6 years cheated on me last year and then kicked me out of his house and told me that he wasn't in love with me. He ended dated that fling for a bit. Well almost 3 months later we were back together and now all I can think about is him and her, I think about when he's working, wondering if he has been to her house today or if he's called her. It's so scary because he wants me to ttrust him but I can't but Im so in love with him. So I guess you are not alone. I understand, hope you get through this hard time. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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