Mealtimes... and asocial ?

[littlehope]

Hi all.

I'm the aunt of a number of kids. I got no kids myself, I never been a big fan of kids and when I meet them it always takes me a few days to get used to them, then either they adapt to me or my feelings change a lot, I dunno, but I voluntarily play with them after a few days and I feel a bit sorry for them rather than annoyed..

Right now I feel super annoyed.

 

These kids are spoilt, loved and their mother works her butt off to please them while their father just sits on his ass and shouts from across the room, mainly when they misbehave, ya get the picture..

Anyway, meal times are really hard for me! The kids can eat what when and how they want, sitting standing, whatever.. and it drives me crazy. I used to be really hard on them when they visited (my parent whom i currently live with). I was the one who told them to sit properly etc etc... but now they're a bit older and their mother just don't care at all, she don't have the energy.. so after 2 mins I've left the table. I just can't stand watching and hearing this.

Then, my parent tells me that they think I am asocial just because I run away from the table a lot? Sometimes I do run away when its just grown ups too, but then it's for other reasons. These kids are doing my head in, I'd love to be a bigger part of their life but their noise level and lack of manners aint my thing, I'm sure they can be so much better... When I'm alone with them they behave a bit better. I don't feel very close to two of them, because they're much harder to deal with.. if it was just the boy I'd be a happy aunt, but he gets no space and I can't even talk to him alone.. it bugs me so muchhhhh, sorry. I'm sure I sound like a weirdo but it hurt quite a bit to be told that I'm asocial.

btw, im moving away, but its still gonna be a problem in the future..

Edited July 25, 2013 by littlehope

[TigerCub]

Hi all.

I'm the aunt of a number of kids. I got no kids myself, I never been a big fan of kids and when I meet them it always takes me a few days to get used to them, then either they adapt to me or my feelings change a lot, I dunno, but I voluntarily play with them after a few days and I feel a bit sorry for them rather than annoyed..

Right now I feel super annoyed.

 

These kids are spoilt, loved and their mother works her butt off to please them while their father just sits on his ass and shouts from across the room, mainly when they misbehave, ya get the picture..

Anyway, meal times are really hard for me! The kids can eat what when and how they want, sitting standing, whatever.. and it drives me crazy. I used to be really hard on them when they visited (my parent whom i currently live with). I was the one who told them to sit properly etc etc... but now they're a bit older and their mother just don't care at all, she don't have the energy.. so after 2 mins I've left the table. I just can't stand watching and hearing this.

Then, my parent tells me that they think I am asocial just because I run away from the table a lot? Sometimes I do run away when its just grown ups too, but then it's for other reasons. These kids are doing my head in, I'd love to be a bigger part of their life but their noise level and lack of manners aint my thing, I'm sure they can be so much better... When I'm alone with them they behave a bit better. I don't feel very close to two of them, because they're much harder to deal with.. if it was just the boy I'd be a happy aunt, but he gets no space and I can't even talk to him alone.. it bugs me so muchhhhh, sorry. I'm sure I sound like a weirdo but it hurt quite a bit to be told that I'm asocial.

btw, im moving away, but its still gonna be a problem in the future..

 

Why do you run away?

How old are you?

 

I understand how kid's lack of manners can be off putting - I would be annoyed too, but you're the grown up, no?

Can't you talk to them in a way and explain that you understand that they are used to eating in a certain way at home, but here at grandma's house, you guys have a rule about sitting together and eating in a more social manner.

 

You can't change how your sister raises her kids - you really have no say, but you can set rules (with your mom) about how they are to behave when they are there.

 

As for running away from the table when some other grown up are there (for those different reasons) - to me, that kind of indicates that you don't really know how to handle some situations. I don't think you are totally antisocial, but you come off as not really knowing how to handle yourself in some social situations.

[littlehope]

I'm 25. Grandma don't really care either about their manners, she gets super stressed when they're here and when they're gone she goes on and on about them being soo wild but she can't set rules.. if anyone does it its me and they listen to me, even when their parents are present I sometimes get so worked up that I snatch at them to do this and that.. Though it feels so wrong, it's not my job.

I've told them many times, in a more calm manner that this is not "home"... their parents don't really set an example either, I guess its them I should be snatching at but that won't work.. Our relationship is already bad enough.

 

I run away from the grown ups table (family) sometimes when I feel inferior and ignored like a shy kid, I'm the youngest of my siblings by many years and this feeling haunts me sometimes. Listening to them going on about their memories from a time when I was hardly born.. I sometimes enjoy listening to it, but it makes me feel so isolated. It was one of my siblings who said I was "asocial" ..pfft.

And yes, outside of family I often find it hard to sit around for long at mealtimes, I start getting uncomfortable quickly.. last time I went to a all female cosy evening I was so uncomfortable that I so badly wanted to leave before everyone else but knowing it would draw attention to me I just sat there, and then I flew up like an arrow and the host probably was a bit offended but .. I just dont know how to handle some social situations I guess. It's not related to how annoying I find kids lack of manners though.

Edited July 25, 2013 by littlehope

[TigerCub]

I explained why I run away, no?

No you didn't then because my question was about running away from the grown ups which you explained later in this post....

 

I'm 25. Grandma don't really care either about their manners, but when they're gone she goes on and on about them being soo wild but she can't set rules.. if anyone does it its me and they do listen to me, even when their parents are present I sometimes get so worked up that I snatch at them to do this and that.. Though it feels so wrong, it's not my job.

I've told them many times, in a more calm manner that this is not "home"... their parents don't really set an example either, I guess its them I should be snatching at but that don't work.. Our relationship is already bad enough.

 

Well since your mom and your sister/her husband don't do anything about it. Maybe you just need to accept that.

 

I understand that you're trying to teach them, but like you said, it's not your place.

 

I think in the end you'll have to decide between letting it slide and having a relationship with them OR letting their annoying habits bug you and avoiding further interaction.

 

I run away from the grown ups table (family) sometimes when I feel inferior and ignored like a shy kid, I'm the youngest of my siblings by many years and this feeling haunts me sometimes. Listening to them going on about their memories from a time when I was hardly born.. I sometimes enjoy listening to it, but it makes me feel so isolated. It was one of my siblings who said I was "asocial" ..pfft.

 

I can see how this would make you feel left out. They're reminiscing about something that you didn't get to experience with them. Have you ever tried to talk to them about how that kind of thing makes you feel left out?

 

So if you guys are having dinner and they started to talk about the past (that you weren't a part of), do you just pick up your plate and go somewhere else (on the days that you do leave)?

Do you say something or just go?

 

Also just because one sibling said something to you about being asocial, doesn't make it true - why are you taking that 1 comment so seriously.

They could have just said it without thinking and didn't really mean it.

[pink_sugar]

Yuck, that reminds me of how my aunt was with my cousin. He was terribly picky and they always "accommodated" him. I am grateful for being forced to eat what's served as I am willing as an adult to eat almost anything.

[turnera]

The next time everyone is together at the same table, say that you want to say something. Tell them all what you feel and why, and why you are disengaging. Let them decide to heed it or not.

[Similar]

I'm not confrontational at all, I have a very confrontational sibling however who always hurt me somehow, I feel like it's enough for her too look at me and I feel hurt, now they're talking behind my back about how asocial I am... and I'm sure she's gonna slam it in my face too..they always talk behind my back and I told my mother I dont want it happening, I also told her why I feel isolated with the family a lot, especially a few years ago I thought it was terrible. My sibling she's cared for me more than anyone in the family however, and I know that she hurts with good intentions, and means what she says.

Whenever I say something serious I half giggle my way through it, prolly confusing but people oughta have learnt by now, its my way..

At the table, when I get uncomfortable I never say anything, cos what I feel is often confusing and odd, I just eat up fast and head for the dogs.. if the kids were nicer I'd head for them instead - the boy is, so I take him aside for games sometimes.

The only thing that really works at the table is being intoxicated, but I noticed it's become a habit of their parents, drowning out the noise of the kids it does quite well.

I feel like a bad aunt now, but I don't think this does them any favours.. in the future I will continue with my leavings I think (sometimes) and long for better days...... their table manners are as crappy as can be.