10 years and now this.

[srivatsa]

Ok, first post. I only wish it was under different circumstances. I honestly have no real close friends due to several circumstances so I've found this wonderful seeming place to dump... and ask. I'll spill it all and try to be brief but it'll probably still end up pretty long. Some parts may seem to stray but it'll all tie in at the end.

 

Been together almost 10 years... I was obviously initially her emotional bounce relationship because we began immediately after her previous relationship lapsed (again - it did multiple times). By immediately after I mean he wouldn't leave her alone the entire time we were dating... even to the point of pounding on her front door once with me there. It was long distance in the beginning although only about 3-4 hours apart. We were together maybe 4 months, right in the middle of the crazy phase, when she decided she had to break up and go back to him (wish I had read these forums before getting involved at that point). That break up lasted for like 6 months and crushed me. It made me crazy and I lost like 30 or so pounds. So she rolls back around again after deciding to completely leave her ex for good. We decide to get it another shot and begin meeting up again. Everything finally smooths out and I move to her city leaving everything behind and live separately for a year before deciding to move in together in her house. We get along very well and are best friends. We do everything together and almost never fight. If we do it's relatively minor stuff she wishes I would do more of (write, be more emotionally expressive, etc. We begin planning for our financial escape route by trying to create various businesses that never really pan out. Her mother owns a small boutique and manufacturers her own clothing so we're inspired by that. We do go ahead and create our own brand but are quite sure what to do with it. 5 years go by before we decide to move cities together and open a boutique of our own. I apply for jobs for a year before something sticks and we get to move. I use my job to get us an awesome house together and we open the boutique. It's now almost two years in and the boutique is going great, but we're burned out and have been for a while. Our intimacy had been growing cold for a while and we were now to the point of rarely having sex. Never get out and do anything. Haven't really made friends in the new city because we're busy 7 days a week and usually late into the day. The plan was for me to quit and help out with the shop but it's hard to cut ties with a solid revenue stream while building the business. Not to mention I've built up a good bit of debt carrying essentially all of the financial load for nearly the least 4-5 years. I've been SICK of my job and the industry I work in for years and this was only to get us up here and stable. The business is technically not even mine. That obviously makes it even harder.

 

Now for the sh***y part. So last year I finally figure out what I want to do to propose and do so in July. I had already gotten a ring years before but the time just didn't seem right in our lives. I carved a wooden ring box and inlaid it with crushed turquoise. I made custom pillows for the ring and got a nice heavy hinge and magnetic closure. I proposed in probably the most meaningful spot to both of us. Now that everything was going great, why not? Well two or so weeks after we get engaged and she is supposedly so happy, she decides to track someone down on various social networking sites and begin cheating. I find out about a month later because I opened her laptop to see all the emails literally sitting right there. I instantly confront her and she swears up and down it just began and is nothing. He's much older, 50... we're in the low 30s. They kissed once (didn't believe it but had no proof), etc. Never mind in the weeks leading up to me discovering this she got Brazilian waxed and had been keeping herself up more. Supposedly totally unrelated. Never bought it but what could I do to prove it. So she supposedly cuts everything off with him but refuses to unfriend him on FB and elsewhere (wtf?). Swears it's nothing. (I'm a f***ing idiotic pushover). To this very day she's still friends with him. She's also always been very secretive with her online activities and texting, etc. After this discovery she only got more so... putting a PIN on her phone and always clearing the internet cache and such. Any pressing by me to get rid of him everywhere leads to comments like "I don't talk to him any more and don't want to start a conversation about why", etc. (Cough, BS, kill me now). I am fairly certain she has basically cut it off at this point but Jesus.

 

I've some how tried to move on and let it go but constantly seeing him on FB interacting with our store page and such keeps it fresh. We've actually still been planning a wedding and talking about having a kid.

 

So fast forward a bit to a few weeks ago when I'm on the shared store computer. I see her password on the computer saved in the email field of GMail instead of the password field. She had obviously typed it there accidentally and the browser saved it as a potential email address. I kind of laugh and shrug it off. In the past few days the facts of the whole situation have been eating me though. The intense infatuation with someone who doesn't even share your core beliefs, the refusal to get rid of him and the fiery defensiveness (yelling and all). It just doesn't add up to some simple run and kiss.

 

I log in to her email. She's done a pretty thorough job of deleting everything. I presume she did this just in case I ever got in there. Only problem is she forgot the drafts folder. There's one very telling and crushing email in there detailing their involvement. It seems to be a back and forth chain email where they'd each write one thing and send it. Needless to say it involves full on sexual encounters and a lot of fantasizing about future times. It was also last saved in January (months after supposedly having cut it off). The sex happened IN OUR STORE. My hearts pounding. I want to gouge this f***ers eyes out and chop his **** off. He knew she was freshly engaged. He had just began a "respectful non-monogamous" relationship with his wife. Can't find someone else that is SINGLE?!?!?! I tried to tell her he was a piece of sh** for doing that but she defends him! I would NEVER step in on someone else's relationship like that. I know I kind of did with her ex but they were technically totally separated and he didn't interfere until a couple months later! I wanted and still want to throw myself off the roof while barfing and shooting myself in the temple. My head is spinning. I couldn't sleep last night. She asked me what is wrong but I said tired and acted asleep. It's going to come out but how.

 

Also, while in her email and social sites I looked around and noticed she had been flirty with some a***ole in NY 3 years ago and had also sent naked a** shots and suggestive bikini photos to her EX 2 years ago (right after we moved cities together).

 

She acts totally normal and tells me she really loves me out of no where. She still talks about marriage. Not 3 days ago we were talking about kids and our future again. Now I've found out all this.

 

WHAT DO I DO?!?! If you take the business we have out of it I'd still be torn to pieces about what to do. That's NOT why I'm with her (she has suggested it) but obviously when I've been planning this as my future for the last 5 years it sucks to have it potentially ripped out from under you in addition to a 10 year relationship that's otherwise great!

 

Do I tell her I've been in everywhere and seen everywhere and call her on the lot of it? She'll explode if I do because she hates invasion of privacy but I'm starting to believe that's really because she has so much to hide. Do I try to get her to confess to the cheating being more than it was?

 

My hearts breaking like it hasn't in 9 years and I can't bottle this up. It's going to come out. I don't know whether to take the ring back and call it all off because of this or see how she handles it and try to stop the deceit and actually move forward. I think she's got a bad case of GiGS. I noticed in basically all of her correspondences with guys she's even just friends with she pretends I don't exist. She related a story that happened to me as if it happened to her, etc. She probably never would have even been fully open to cheating had she not been questioning everything so much right after the engagement.

 

Also, as far as I know she did this same kind of stuff in her last relationship. Breaking it off/cheating/getting back/breaking off/him snooping her emails,etc. It scares me that it's just a broken record with her. OMG the stupid burns. WTF do I do?!?!?! I am going utterly insane inside having to keep face. God I sound like I'm 14! :sick::sick:

[Philosoraptor]

Who cares if she explodes? She's cheating on you and you can't let her flip the issue.

 

She's cheating, she's cheating, she's cheating, she's cheating, she's cheating, she's cheating, she's cheating, she's cheating, she's cheating, she's cheating, and she's cheating. That's all you need to know here.

 

She doesn't respect you and she's cheating.

 

Cut the cord and get away from her. You knew from the beginning what type of person she was and she proved it to you. For all you know she could have cheated before as well, but you have proof of this one and that's all that matters.

 

You already know what you need to do, you knew it when you found out she was cheating earlier and decided to ignore it. You can not have a happy life and live these "dreams" with someone who has no respect for you. It's going to hurt, but you're much better off moving on and in time finding someone who gives you the same respect and commitment that you give them.

[eddyctv]

OMG get the f*** out of there! Get the ring back, sell it, take off!!!

[srivatsa]

I just saved that email and re-read it. God I am getting SO f***ing angry.

[eddyctv]

You should pack up your stuff and bail when she isnt home, and leave a print out of her emails w the other guy and leave it on the kitchen table.

 

Cut your losses and your ties...you obviously are NOT going to spend your life with that trash!

[eddyctv]

You can also install a keylogger program on your computer that will save EVERYTHING that's been typed into your computer. They are easy to find online and simple to use. I highly recommend this.

 

Sorry i keep posting on this thread, but i cant stand this woman!

[Chi townD]

Dude, you need to drop her and at a MINIMUM, call off the wedding. Get the word out as to why the wedding is off before she gets a chance to spin her lies to people.

[srivatsa]

Funny enough the house is MINE but most of the furniture is hers because she had the house before. I'm starting to believe she actually had the f***er over to the house too. The absolute gall. God I've never been this angry.

[GorillaTheater]

Funny enough the house is MINE but most of the furniture is hers because she had the house before. I'm starting to believe she actually had the f***er over to the house too. The absolute gall. God I've never been this angry.

 

Harness that anger as motivation to make a plan and execute it. No violence, maybe not even a raised voice, but calm deliberate action to get this woman out of your life as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

[eddyctv]

Funny enough the house is MINE but most of the furniture is hers because she had the house before. I'm starting to believe she actually had the f***er over to the house too. The absolute gall. God I've never been this angry.

 

Her name isnt on the lease? How did it go from her house to yours?

 

Can you afford to live there without her?

[Spark1111]

She has a habit of lying and cheating and lying to you.

 

You can't marry that woman.

 

Make an excuse to get ahold of the ring and return it.

 

Mover her furniture out to a storage facility and change the locks on the house if you own it.

 

Stop supporting the business today. sell the house and buy a smaller one you can afford.

 

Print out two copies of the emails and put one copy, your copy, in a safe place.

 

people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

can you stay calm as you gather MORE evidence? be cause to tip your hat too soon will just cause her to go more underground with her affairs.

 

I am sorry for the devastation you are feeling, but you are still young and lucky to have found this out now, before you married her and had children.

[aliveagain]

Friend, save copies of her emails to your own email. This woman is a serial cheater and your best predictor of your future with her is to look at your history. Call off the engagement, you have enough proof with what you found that she is unfaithful. Your being played, no sex, get yourself tested. This woman is not good marriage material, period. You may want to talk to a lawyer as you may be considered to be in a common law marriage. It will be way easier to get out of this relationship than after a formal registered marriage. Because of her previous history I would advise you against any type of reconciliation, this girl is broken and requires years of expensive independent counseling. You need to run from this one.

[Betterthanthis13]

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's a real mindf**k when they act all normal and loving and making future plans and are just lying straight to your face for such a long time.

 

I'm sorry to say, but you don't even know the half of it based on what you have described. 100% sure there is a lot more that you don't know about. I am sick for you right now, I think am going to sympathy puke. I just went through all this, it's such a nightmare.

 

Your best bet? Get the ring back, and kick her out, immediately. Have your friends come over and help pack her stuff. Call her parents and your parents and tell them what's going on and get her out of your life. Rearrange the schedule at the store to get away from her, and start asking for help and support from the people around you. Build a moat and a stone wall around yourself and don't let her anywhere near you. Block her number or change your phone all together. Tell her to go through your mom if she has anything to say to you.

 

Anything you do from this moment forward to remain in contact with her is just going to make it worse. Trust me I let myself get sucked back in and wasted an entire year of my life trying to sort out all the lies... Now a year later I'm back at square one trying to get on my feet again. Protect yourself, you don't deserve this crap.

[srivatsa]

Her name isnt on the lease? How did it go from her house to yours?

 

Can you afford to live there without her?

 

Her house was the one in the city we moved from. This house only has my name on it. She was unemployed for two years before we moved up here and zero income to show. I used my job to get it. I can afford the house but it's going to be a bit of a stretch until I can dig myself out of some of the debt this whole situation has gotten me into.

[srivatsa]

Harness that anger as motivation to make a plan and execute it. No violence, maybe not even a raised voice, but calm deliberate action to get this woman out of your life as quickly and thoroughly as possible.

 

Working on it... I'm usually very even-keeled. I was in a rage earlier. Now I just feel like........ f*** it. Mood is swinging around from hurt to angry to disgusted to lost to whatever. I'm sure it'll come flooding out again like it did before when it breaks down.

[drifter777]

Working on it... I'm usually very even-keeled. I was in a rage earlier. Now I just feel like........ f*** it. Mood is swinging around from hurt to angry to disgusted to lost to whatever. I'm sure it'll come flooding out again like it did before when it breaks down.

 

The roller-coaster of feelings is a typical reaction and it's going to last for a while. The best way to start getting your emotional equilibrium back is to take action instead of sitting there being a victim.

 

You are not married. You don't have kids. Kick her out RIGHT NOW! You don't even need to tell her why, just tell her to leave and have her furniture out within a week. When she asks why just hand her a copy of what you think is the most devastating email. She will cry and beg and tell you it's not what it looks like but remember this: she is lying. She is no good, she is a cheater, she is a liar, and she has and is gas-lighting you. It might be hard on you for a while, but that's only because you are used to her and feel secure with her. These are not reasons to stay in such a sick relationship. Gather up your courage and have confidence in your future and kick her out. You will begin to feel better nearly immediately when you take this appropriate action.

[srivatsa]

Digging thru her email again and even found a long a** love letter to her ex that she sent right before we moved about how they were destined to be together. Makes it sound as though they slept together then too. What the flying F****.

 

Everyone get some popcorn and get ready for the meltdown. Unless there's some really good reason I'm probably laying it all out when I get home. I can't do this.

[eddyctv]

Digging thru her email again and even found a long a** love letter to her ex that she sent right before we moved about how they were destined to be together. Makes it sound as though they slept together then too. What the flying F****.

 

Everyone get some popcorn and get ready for the meltdown. Unless there's some really good reason I'm probably laying it all out when I get home. I can't do this.

 

SAVE EVERYTHING YOU FIND!!!

 

She is probably gonna start yelling...i'd be prepared to yell louder.

 

You may want to video this meltdown too...she may accuse you of hitting her or something....

[Betterthanthis13]

Yes- caution- serial cheaters and liars do NOT like being caught. You are going to witness something you have never seen before from this woman when you confront her. Can you meet her out for dinner and do it there? Or have someone on standby at the house as a witness. You could very well end up spending the night in jail if you try to do this alone.

 

I know you want answers- and want her to apologize and cry and EXPLAIN- and feel the hellish wrath of you yelling at her- but I'm telling you, this is no good- you are not going to get answers from her and this is just going to turn into a disaster... Prit out your evidence and call someone to help you with moral support tonight

[Queen of Sheba]

Read all the threads here. Read the hurt from BSs. Those in the early stages those in the late stages, those who were cheated on for a couple of months those for years, affairs for different reasons the list goes on, all us BS have different stories. But one thing is common. We hurt. We hurt like hell. We will continue to hurt whatever happens whatever our WS does we will hurt, over time it may lessen but the longer the relationship the bigger the betrayal the deeper the hurt, the more the WS does and says to lessen the pain show their remorse perhaps it will ease. You hurt now, get out, it can only deepen in your case.

 

Hey I like you, when I started looking at this website I started a post. It was 5 pages!!! I decided not to post it. So, no your post wasn't long, not really!!

 

As for the house - take in a lodger

[Bryanp]

She has played you for a total fool. She clearly has used you on multiple levels and has no problem humiliating you in the worst possible way. Please do the following:

1. Kick her out.

2. Get tested for STD's.

 

Her actions show that she has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.

[bubbaganoosh]

Boils down to this. The woman is a liar and a cheat. Just from what you have pieced together is like looking into a crystal ball and seeing the kind of life you'll be having with her.

 

Pack her stuff up and put it out in the street and buy a pair of ear plugs because she's going to do everything in her power to "explain" and there is nothing to explain. Before you confront her, look in the mirror and see the guy looking back at you, and ask yourself if this is the absolute best you can do. Chances are the image in the mirror will reach out knock you on you ass if you say yes.

[srivatsa]

WELL. So it wasn't her that did the blowing up. I've never yelled like that in my life or been so angry. I think I actually caught her off guard because I'm always so easy going. She was on her on her heels. I called her on her entire history too... with her exes and how she did basically the same exact things to him/them. Basically said she's got issues with relationships, which she totally agreed with. I really said I was through with it... repeatedly. She begged like mad in the beginning. Her excuses for sending crap to her ex 2 years ago... "I feel bad for him". WTF? She still denies she had full on sex with this other guy too. Based on the email I read you have got to be kidding me. She actually had the guy back to MY HOUSE. MY HOUSE! She refused to say which bed. I feel like sleeping on the floor. How F***ED is that?

 

I got the ring back. I'm trying as hard as possible to keep this as civil as can be. Not putting her crap on the curb, etc. She's going to try and stay elsewhere but leave the furniture and such for now. I'm trying to be the bigger person. I'll probably still do what I can for the shop until there's other help. It's mine too. It wouldn't even be open here if it weren't for me. Heartbreaking. Now WTF am I going to do. We've been together a THIRD of my life!!!

 

I know I'll get total flack for it but it's such a complicated situation because our lives are so intertwined with everything we've got going on. I was due to quit my job in a couple months and we were getting married in the Spring to both fully work on the business. I go back and forth with my feelings on what to do. I really loved where we were at literally 3 days ago. My head is a disaster. I feel like I want to barf. We were JUST talking about kids and the business. She woke me up with kisses and was so sincerely in love. She was honestly trying to move forward and in some ways the experience kind of reaffirmed our relationship to her. I had mostly moved on from originally finding out before. The only problem is she was hiding the awful details. F***.

 

Yes, I know, the flack cometh. We've talked a lot today and it goes back and forth. Part of me wants to actually try to get over it even though I know that's very likely a mistake based on her history. She first said she wanted to get help and work on her issues and self-discovery in respectful ways. Now she says she wants to give up on it because she's sure she knows what is coming with my new lack of trust with her. It took 10 years to get to this point and it's hard to imagine such a setback right before literally everything was supposed to go to the next level. We're getting old. EVERYONE expects us to be married. Grandparents are begging for kids. No one has any clue something is wrong. It's very possible that we're both too burned out to really put the effort forward. I don't know. I can't imagine delaying the wedding any more or anything either but obviously we couldn't get married now with no trust. :(:( I know she's going to try to come back. :(:(

 

Funny though... she did mention the other guy was now going through a divorce and she's literally not supposed to have any contact with him in case her lawyers got hold of some evidence. Gears in my head instantly began turning... I already found the soon to be ex-wife online. Maybe some counter-F***ery is due. Maybe I can hit the F***er in his wallet. That would be oh so F***ING GLORIOUS. The other part of me just wants to leave it the F*** alone.

[Philosoraptor]

Well it truly looks like the ball is in your court now. If you want to end this, then pack her stuff up, get it out, and work on splitting your lives up.

 

If you want to give it a try you need to figure out exactly what you need from her in order for her to ever gain your trust back.

 

Either way it doesn't matter what anyone else expects of you or thinks you should do. The only thing you can do is make the choices that will yield you long term happiness. If you don't feel like you can ever get over this, you would live on the edge of pain for the rest of your days. If you feel like the two of you can work on this as a team and get back the trust that has been lost, you may find happiness together in the future.

 

Both paths will have a lot of pain. You need to choose the path that will yield you long term happiness in the future. That's all you can do.

[srivatsa]

Yea, thanks man. Very, very true. I think we're probably just going to stop everything and wait. Let some time pass. Let the feelings flow and try to do some of our own thing. We've both got personal learning we need to do. Me especially.

 

She's really trying to inflate the fact that I snooped. Making me out to be some kind of obsessed snooper always watching over her shoulder. I only did it when I knew there was more. An obvious lack of openness and honesty drove me to it.

 

Actually now she's saying she's done with it. Here goes the roller coaster.