Big movie question....

[renouf]

Ok, so I've been following the important steps listed in the book "How To Get Your Lover Back" and I think that so far it has been slowly progressing things.

 

I am currently able to still make plans with my ex-lover even though she is seeing another guy (not acually going out with him yet.). I'm doing whatI can to rekindle the fire, be strong about things, and show her the good times again.

 

So here's my question... I would like to bring her to the movie "Saw" this weekend but I know that she has already seen it at a sneak preview a week ago with the guy shes been seeing. I would choose another movie if I have to but it seems like this guy has already taken her to all of them, and this movie "Saw" just seems like thatbut one coming out soon.

 

I want to know if during this movie all she will think about is him, and the time she went to see it with him. Because remember, I want to rekindle our fire, not there's. I don't know...maybe I should forget about the movie idea and justdo something else with her.

 

Also.... Does anybody have any ideas as to what things I can bring her out to do? I want to bring her out for coffe but the thing is the guy shes seeing does that with her all the time. Should I be seraching for things that she doesn't do with him? I don't want to do things that will spark her memories of him when shes with me. Because the truth is, I'm trying to Love my ex-lover back to me slowly.

[bluechocolate]

Why oh why would you want to take her to a movie that she's just seen with this other guy?

 

NO - don't do it.

 

As for what you can do - well you know her & have gone out with her before so you're in the best position to know what she likes & dislikes.

 

And I would guess it entirely depends on what the premise of your going out is. ie. does she view this as "a date" or just going out with a friend? If it's friends then a quite dinner somewhere is probably not the best option.

 

Try to think of something that's a bit unusual & fun. The possibilites can be endless depending on where you live, do you have a car, how much money, ....etc....

[tattoomytoe]

so is she Supposed to be seeing other guys- like you, while she is dating this other guy?

 

And, if it were me, i would do something with her that this other guy does not....so the whole going to see a movie, would be out.

 

why not somewhere where you two can actually talk, you know a little one-on-one time.

[UnicornGirl]

Treat this like a situation where you're trying to get close with a woman you're attracted to. Now think of somewhere fun, unique, and romantic you'd take her. Make it special. Put that kind of effort into it, and you'll come up with more than just a movie!

 

My opinion: Don't take her on the same dates the other guy does, and that's what this movie is! It's a re-hash of her experience with her new lover and sets her up to compare which of the twin experiences was most fun -- which she may project onto the problem of which GUY is more fun. You don't want that!

 

You want to make her feel special, loved, and happy. But remember, you don't want to put pressure on her. So don't spend long hours or big bucks on the occasion -- just make it simple, like an art exhibit, or something neither of you has done before. Take her to a cafe you haven't tried, or for a walk. Make it surprising, but don't expect her to be visibly "wowed" by the effort you put in or you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

 

Coffee is fine even if the other guy does that; just maybe don't go to the same coffee place they do. The most important thing is not WHAT you do or WHERE you go, but how you make her feel loved. And that you can do no matter WHAT the location! -- but interesting, new, or romantic locales or unique ideas can foster a more romantic environment.

 

Good luck! Let us know how it goes.

[UCFKevin]

Why do you want to even bother taking her out?

[renouf]

Thanks everyone for your input, especially unicorn girl. You seem like you know exactly what I'm trying to do. And as for why I want to take her out... I still love her like crazy! I'm learning how to hold myself back from scaring her off by bombing her cell phone and e-mails with endless calling.

 

I've started to accept the fact that she's seeing another guy. I try to pretend he's not even there. And I'm concentraiting on how I can love her into loving me back without coming on too strong. It's like starting all over. It's even a little exciting once you think about it. I seem pretty sure about myself... I just hope I'm not setting myself up for an even worse heartbreak. All I know is that giving her space has been working. She has started to contact me. She hasn't done that in a long time. Our conversations are happy now... but still short. I believe that little by little I can carefully win her love back. But it's a sensitive subject, one wrong move could mean starting over from the begining again. Whatever the outcome, I'm learning a lot right now.

 

Thanks for all the help everyone!

[UCFKevin]

This doesn't seem healthy.

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by renouf

I've started to accept the fact that she's seeing another guy. I try to pretend he's not even there. And I'm concentraiting on how I can love her into loving me back without coming on too strong. It's like starting all over. It's even a little exciting once you think about it. I seem pretty sure about myself... I just hope I'm not setting myself up for an even worse heartbreak. All I know is that giving her space has been working. She has started to contact me. She hasn't done that in a long time. Our conversations are happy now... but still short. I believe that little by little I can carefully win her love back. But it's a sensitive subject, one wrong move could mean starting over from the begining again. Whatever the outcome, I'm learning a lot right now.

 

You're not setting yourself up for an even bigger heartbreak. The nice thing about this is that you are doing loving things for her -- giving her freedom, accepting her and her actions. When you really love someone, you want them to be happy. All of the situations I've seen where people have gotten back together (and it actually worked) have involved both parties loosening their grip and saying, "I love you, and I want you to be happy. I want to spend time with you and see you and I want to be the one to make you happy." That's a kind of love that few people can give, it's the kind of active love that can last.

 

But you can't give up your short-term needs forever. Once you get to a point when you can't continue with the way things are going, try using the "loving take away" ... for instance, recently my ex's constant "I'm too busy to see you" got to be too much for me. After I dealt with my feelings of anger and rejection and had fumed over the unfairness of it all, I decided to do something positive instead of shutting myself off to him as punishment for his behavior, or some other way of showing my anger and resentment.

 

Instead, when he called me the day after we'd finally had lunch together (after three weeks of little more than a weekly phone call), I had a nice ten-minute banter of casual conversation with him and then calmly said: "Hey, you know, I'm always inviting you to do things with me. And you're always too busy. Maybe you'd rather just not spend time together anymore. That's fine with me, just let me know."

 

And the response?

 

He began protesting and insisting that I didn't invite him many places and invited me to lunch. From that point on he's been more forward with his emotions when we're together (not yet on the phone); he's initiating hugs with me and responding to the little gifts I give him every now and then. He's said several times that he's really happy to see me and that he had a great time with me when we spend time together, and when I went to see a concert of his he said it was really important to him that I came (three or four times in an hour-long conversation!) and said he was sorry to see me go. (When we were dating, I'd have usually spent the night with him if I had come to see a show of his.)

 

A lot of people think what you and I are doing is nuts. But it's not. The book is just as much about self-love and confidence and loving everyone around you, not just your ex. What we are doing is learning to love, and I think embarking on the journey of learning to truly love one person who is your "pebble in the sand" is not crazy at all. Your ex won't think so either.

 

Good luck! It's nice to see that people are trying the same approach as I am. I feel so much happier and am even grateful for the breakup sometimes when I use this book. I just feel like I am spilling over with love, as ridiculous and cheesy as that sounds.

[Pocky]

Watch Eternal Sunshine on a Spotless Mind with her.