Writing Out My Pathetic Story

[BruisedBNBroken]

So I've been reading and commenting on everyone's posts but figured I would start my own thread.

I am a married woman (11 years) with young children. The last few years of my marriage has been sexless, non emotional and disconnected. Noone to blame but ourselves, we stopped communicating and never did anything about it and now it's so ackward it feels like the point of not return. We get along great and never fight but we are roommates and coparents at best.

Cue the cliche: met a guy at an out of town work event back in March. Hit it off immediately - great conversation, lots in common, had a really nice few days just hanging out. No physical attraction from my end AT ALL. Completely not my type from a physical standpoint. Came home and we continued to email/text few times a week, nothing crazy. Our firms partner to work together on a mutual project and we meet again in May. Another few fun days working and hanging out, still no physical attraction on my end. Come back and we start an emotional affair. Texting and emailing all day long, while working on this project as well. See him in June and suddenly there is an intense physical attraction (funny how that works, huh.) EA turns physical. All the emotion and physical touch and intimacy that has been missing from my life for two plus years comes pouring out in one 48 hour visit and I'm completely in the affair fog. Obsessed, constantly thinking about him, wanting to see him all the time, etc etc Oh, and he is long distance, thanks goodness for something. He is single (divorced) and decides he cannot go on with this. I'm married, he's developing feelings, etc. we can't go NC because of our work situation so we decide to just keep it professional. I am devastated. Like rock my world, tears in the shower, can't eat can't sleep devastated. Over a stupid few month encounter. I start IC, trying to work through all the issues that led me to this point. We see each other again end of June for

[BruisedBNBroken]

Sorry, continuing here:

We see each other end of June for a night, it gets physical, he freaks out and leaves. We don't speak for a few days and them start texting again on and off. Our mutual project is finally coming to fruition next Monday, August 5 where we will spend the day together at a meeting in St. Louis. Once I'm back from that, I need to cut off most communication and start to work on my real life. I can't go NC due to work reasons, but I have to go LC. Sorry for the long post, here are my questions:

1. How does LC/NC go in a work situation? Luckily we don't work for the same company or are in the same city, but I can't cut him off on places like LinkedIn or email, because we will still need to periodically communicate.

2. I know this is an unpopular opinion here but I'm don't want to tell my H at this point. Right now I am leaning towards separation and I see no reason to hurt him further.

3. Someone please tell me this gets better, easier, anything - even if I can't go full NC but only LC.

4. This guy is so completely not my type - nothing about him. I hate who I've become around him - I am a strong, professional independent woman and in the last few months I've become a pathetic, desperate, obsessed, school girl. Someone please break me out of the affair fog (Pierre!!)

 

Thanks everyone. Reading all your posts have been amazing.

[Lady2163]

First of all, it's not a pathetic story and neither are you.

 

Second, I would never ever suggest telling a spouse about an affair.

 

Who does that help? Will you feel any less guilty? Plus, if you are thinking of separating, why does he need to know?

 

I think you're on the right track with counseling. It may or may not help if your counselor knows of a real life support group.

 

This will get better. Do your best and be good to yourself.

[Pierre]

4. This guy is so completely not my type - nothing about him. I hate who I've become around him - I am a strong, professional independent woman and in the last few months I've become a pathetic, desperate, obsessed, school girl. Someone please break me out of the affair fog (Pierre!!)

 

Thanks everyone. Reading all your posts have been amazing.

 

I am always amazed at how women that are starving for attention fall for whomever provides the attention. The need must be off the charts.

 

As to why you and H are room mates. Have you lost your sensuality around your H? I suspect that if your H paid a bit of attention and provided some validation you would be fine. Can you simply ask H to go to MC to see if he can learn how to treat a woman that needs attention. This is the easiest job in the planet and the rewards are huge.

 

Why pick an OM below your league? Well-------------It does not matter as long as he meets your needs. You are not getting married and you are not having kids that could look ugly like OM. So who cares! Yeah, that is how you look at this. But, now you are in love. Some folks fall in love with the person that validates them.

 

 

What a dilemma!!

[BruisedBNBroken]

I am always amazed at how women that are starving for attention fall for whomever provides the attention. The need must be off the charts.

 

As to why you and H are room mates. Have you lost your sensuality around your H? I suspect that if your H paid a bit of attention and provided some validation you would be fine. Can you simply ask H to go to MC to see if he can learn how to treat a woman that needs attention. This is the easiest job in the planet and the rewards are huge.

 

Why pick an OM below your league? Well-------------It does not matter as long as he meets your needs. You are not getting married and you are not having kids that could look ugly like OM. So who cares! Yeah, that is how you look at this. But, now you are in love. Some folks fall in love with the person that validates them.

 

 

What a dilemma!!

 

Pierre, NO don't use that L word. No, no. Obsession, stupidity, selfishness, all are great. Not love. Definitely not in love!!!

[Pierre]

Pierre, NO don't use that L word. No, no. Obsession, stupidity, selfishness, all are great. Not love. Definitely not in love!!!

 

Hon,

 

This is love:

 

EA turns physical. All the emotion and physical touch and intimacy that has been missing from my life for two plus years comes pouring out in one 48 hour visit and I'm completely in the affair fog. Obsessed, constantly thinking about him, wanting to see him all the time, etc

 

 

Ist stage of love.

[hippetyhop]

Welcome back. I was wondering how you and SS were doing as I haven't seen you two ladies post.

 

I don't know how what to say about LC except like any part of an A, it gets worse before it gets better. When xMM and I went LC, it was worse than NC as I was expecting a text, but the conversation was so pretend. It was easier to end it than keep it LC and "wait for it to get back to normal" (his words).

 

Can you a future with him post D if you and your H D?

[BruisedBNBroken]

Welcome back. I was wondering how you and SS were doing as I haven't seen you two ladies post.

 

I don't know how what to say about LC except like any part of an A, it gets worse before it gets better. When xMM and I went LC, it was worse than NC as I was expecting a text, but the conversation was so pretend. It was easier to end it than keep it LC and "wait for it to get back to normal" (his words).

 

Can you a future with him post D if you and your H D?

 

Thanks hippetyhop, been here and reading just not posting too much. To answer your question, absolutely not! And I say that with 100 percent certainty. There are so many things about his personality that would be toxic to me and we just wouldn't mesh in a real relationship. Heck, we can't even mesh in a fake relationship! Plus the distance, the work situation and about 400 other things.

[Pierre]

Thanks hippetyhop, been here and reading just not posting too much. To answer your question, absolutely not! And I say that with 100 percent certainty. There are so many things about his personality that would be toxic to me and we just wouldn't mesh in a real relationship. Heck, we can't even mesh in a fake relationship! Plus the distance, the work situation and about 400 other things.

 

Some married men and women choose APs that can never work out outside the affair compartment.

 

I suspect that if you lined up a 1000 women and if they had to choose between OM and the BH most (like 9999) would choose the BH. The only one that would consider OM would the be the OP, and even then----she is not sure.

[LilGirlandOW]

Is there some instinct in women once they get their maternal needs filled from a man, his job is done intimacy wise? Like his sexual appeal, he can still be your best friend. I read alot of stories on here and other places where that seems to be a similarity. Maybe I'm totally wrong, just a common theme of events i recognize.

[Pierre]

Is there some instinct in women once they get their maternal needs filled from a man, his job is done intimacy wise? Like his sexual appeal, he can still be your best friend. I read alot of stories on here and other places where that seems to be a similarity. Maybe I'm totally wrong, just a common theme of events i recognize.

 

Yes, some people enter a boring stage in their marriage.

 

The spouses stop being sexy and they forget how to romance each other.

 

If one of the spouses is in need of attention they will go for an affair (assuming they know how to live in two compartments, not everybody can do that).

[SincereOnlineGuy]

So I've been reading and commenting on everyone's posts but figured I would start my own thread.

I am a married woman (11 years) with young children. The last few years of my marriage has been sexless, non emotional and disconnected. Noone to blame but ourselves, we stopped communicating and never did anything about it and now it's so ackward it feels like the point of not return. We get along great and never fight but we are roommates and coparents at best.

Cue the cliche: met a guy at an out of town work event back in March. Hit it off immediately - great conversation, lots in common, had a really nice few days just hanging out. No physical attraction from my end AT ALL. Completely not my type from a physical standpoint. Came home and we continued to email/text few times a week, nothing crazy. Our firms partner to work together on a mutual project and we meet again in May. Another few fun days working and hanging out, still no physical attraction on my end. Come back and we start an emotional affair. Texting and emailing all day long, while working on this project as well. See him in June and suddenly there is an intense physical attraction (funny how that works, huh.) EA turns physical. All the emotion and physical touch and intimacy that has been missing from my life for two plus years comes pouring out in one 48 hour visit and I'm completely in the affair fog. Obsessed, constantly thinking about him, wanting to see him all the time, etc etc Oh, and he is long distance, thanks goodness for something. He is single (divorced) and decides he cannot go on with this. I'm married, he's developing feelings, etc. we can't go NC because of our work situation so we decide to just keep it professional. I am devastated. Like rock my world, tears in the shower, can't eat can't sleep devastated. Over a stupid few month encounter. I start IC, trying to work through all the issues that led me to this point. We see each other again end of June for

 

 

 

"Pierre" is way off on this one. For none of what the OP has written smacks of "love".

 

The individuals in this theater act might as well be anonymous, as the physical union shared in the affair was most near to a normal-seeming reaction to a hugely abnormal married life. (I won't say that the OP is blameless, but her husband could certainly be said to have initiated the chain of events which transpired)

 

 

IF you are realistic and confident about the affair guy not being a true threat to tell-all to your husband, then not telling your husband is the right answer. IF on the other hand, the affair guy IS a threat to tell your husband, then you'd want to tell the husband first, to avoid his having to learn it initially from elsewhere.

[Pierre]

"Pierre" is way off on this one. For none of what the OP has written smacks of "love".

 

The individuals in this theater act might as well be anonymous, as the physical union shared in the affair was most near to a normal-seeming reaction to a hugely abnormal married life. (I won't say that the OP is blameless, but her husband could certainly be said to have initiated the chain of events which transpired)

 

 

IF you are realistic and confident about the affair guy not being a true threat to tell-all to your husband, then not telling your husband is the right answer. IF on the other hand, the affair guy IS a threat to tell your husband, then you'd want to tell the husband first, to avoid his having to learn it initially from elsewhere.

 

She is in the early stage of love. You are probably thinking about the final product.

 

The 3 stages of love

Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in the States has proposed 3 stages of love – lust, attraction and attachment. Each stage might be driven by different hormones and chemicals.

 

Stage 1: Lust

This is the first stage of love and is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and oestrogen – in both men and women.

 

 

Stage 2: Attraction

This is the amazing time when you are truly love-struck and can think of little else. Scientists think that three main neurotransmitters are involved in this stage; adrenaline, dopamine and serotonin.

 

Adrenaline

The initial stages of falling for someone activates your stress response, increasing your blood levels of adrenalin and cortisol. This has the charming effect that when you unexpectedly bump into your new love, you start to sweat, your heart races and your mouth goes dry.

 

Dopamine

Helen Fisher asked newly ‘love struck’ couples to have their brains examined and discovered they have high levels of the neurotransmitter dopamine. This chemical stimulates ‘desire and reward’ by triggering an intense rush of pleasure. It has the same effect on the brain as taking cocaine!

 

Fisher suggests “couples often show the signs of surging dopamine: increased energy, less need for sleep or food, focused attention and exquisite delight in smallest details of this novel relationship” .

 

 

Serotonin

And finally, serotonin. One of love's most important chemicals that may explain why when you’re falling in love, your new lover keeps popping into your thoughts.

 

Does love change the way you think?

A landmark experiment in Pisa, Italy showed that early love (the attraction phase) really changes the way you think.

 

 

Dr Donatella Marazziti, a psychiatrist at the University of Pisa advertised for twenty couples who'd been madly in love for less than six months. She wanted to see if the brain mechanisms that cause you to constantly think about your lover, were related to the brain mechanisms of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

 

By analysing blood samples from the lovers, Dr Marazitti discovered that serotonin levels of new lovers were equivalent to the low serotonin levels of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder patients.

 

Love needs to be blind

Newly smitten lovers often idealise their partner, magnifying their virtues and explaining away their flaws says Ellen Berscheid, a leading researcher on the psychology of love.

 

New couples also exalt the relationship itself. “It's very common to think they have a relationship that's closer and more special than anyone else's”. Psychologists think we need this rose-tinted view. It makes us want to stay together to enter the next stage of love – attachment.

 

Stage 3: Attachment

Attachment is the bond that keeps couples together long enough for them to have and raise children. Scientists think there might be two major hormones involved in this feeling of attachment; oxytocin and vasopressin.

 

Hope that helps:cool:

The science of love

 

I agree, the H is a bit of a puritan, however, in the marriage OP has not exactly acted like a firecracker in bed. She does not know how to turn her H on. And of course the H has no clue.

[BruisedBNBroken]

You're both right. Both H and I are at fault. But it isn't just the lack of sex. We have no emotional connection. We don't communicate if it isn't about logistics for the boys. We're not best friends, we never were. I'm sorry to say this was never the great love story. I never believed in the great love story. I know, I know, dealing with all these issues in IC.

[Pierre]

You're both right. Both H and I are at fault. But it isn't just the lack of sex. We have no emotional connection. We don't communicate if it isn't about logistics for the boys. We're not best friends, we never were. I'm sorry to say this was never the great love story. I never believed in the great love story. I know, I know, dealing with all these issues in IC.

 

Why did you marry a man you did not love?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

She is in the early stage of love.

 

 

 

The 3 stages of love

Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in the States has proposed 3 stages of love – lust, attraction and attachment. Each stage might be driven by different hormones and chemicals.

 

 

 

 

... as am I, each time I put a quarter in the local peep show.

 

 

Now what say you stick to the actual circumstance about which you had the same opportunity to read as the rest of us here?

 

 

Everybody knows the scientific stuff... about becoming more attracted to those you f*** once you've f***ed them. That simply doesn't further illuminate the specifics of this scenario.

 

 

"LOVE" has exactly zero to do with this, for our OP no more loves this guy than I love the girl at the peep-show. And there is a good chance I love my favorite baseball team far more than she loves this guy.

[BruisedBNBroken]

... as am I, each time I put a quarter in the local peep show.

 

 

Now what say you stick to the actual circumstance about which you had the same opportunity to read as the rest of us here?

 

 

Everybody knows the scientific stuff... about becoming more attracted to those you f*** once you've f***ed them. That simply doesn't further illuminate the specifics of this scenario.

 

 

"LOVE" has exactly zero to do with this, for our OP no more loves this guy than I love the girl at the peep-show. And there is a good chance I love my favorite baseball team far more than she loves this guy.

 

I think I may have fallen in love with you after that response!! Thank you, I needed that!

[BruisedBNBroken]

Why did you marry a man you did not love?

 

I never believed in the great love story. We had a nice partnership, we got along well, had the same interests, enjoyed spending time together. Both career minded and driven. Never much passion. Deep down I knew he couldn't hurt me. Dealing with all this in IC, sounds crazy I know. I have an amazing career, wonderful friends, amazing kids, I though it was enough. Nobody can have it all. Apparently, it's not enough.

[Pierre]

I never believed in the great love story. We had a nice partnership, we got along well, had the same interests, enjoyed spending time together. Both career minded and driven. Never much passion. Deep down I knew he couldn't hurt me. Dealing with all this in IC, sounds crazy I know. I have an amazing career, wonderful friends, amazing kids, I though it was enough. Nobody can have it all. Apparently, it's not enough.

 

I have heard this story before. It seems to be the mantra of many MOWs and OWs. I think it could be rationalization.

 

 

Nevertheless, getting married with no passion needs some examination. Paradoxically, I find that women that need a lot of validation end up choosing poorly.

[Pierre]

My H and I...we didn't have that bond, so stupid me, I convinced myself it didn't matter. Well...I think it matters more than anything. So yeah...kids ruin everything.

 

Why did you marry him? Why get married if there is no passion?

 

I see this over and over again.

[happy stillmore]

Pierre,

 

Sometimes people marry for other reasons besides passion. People may need stability in their crazy lives at the moment when they marry more than passion. I agree that people should follow their heart and marry who they love completely. Some chose to marry someone after weighing the practical aspects of life. Their lives may be so crazy, that a secure life looks appealing. This does not mean the people were knowingly using the other person. People think the butterflies will come in time. I thought children would bring us closer. Etc. The old cliche, "I love him/her but I'm not IN love with him/her."

 

Everyone's situation is different. Everyone wishes they knew then what they now.

[Pierre]

Pierre,

 

Sometimes people marry for other reasons besides passion. People may need stability in their crazy lives at the moment when they marry more than passion. I agree that people should follow their heart and marry who they love completely. Some chose to marry someone after weighing the practical aspects of life. Their lives may be so crazy, that a secure life looks appealing. This does not mean the people were knowingly using the other person. People think the butterflies will come in time. I thought children would bring us closer. Etc. The old cliche, "I love him/her but I'm not IN love with him/her."

 

Everyone's situation is different. Everyone wishes they knew then what they now.

 

I agree, but the scenario is common among a subset of women. I don't think men tend to do this very often.

 

What I see are women that have chaotic failed relationships and as you pointed out get married hoping things will improve. These women generally cannot pick the right men because they are intrinsically unhappy.

 

And no one can make an intrinsically unhappy person happy.

 

Intrinsically happy people make much better decisions. and they do not depend on the spouse to be happy. The marriage is just frosting on the cake.

[BruisedBNBroken]

So how does forced LC (due to work circumstances or otherwise) versus NC help you heal? I'm concerned that Everytime I are an email, have a conference call, etc, it will put me right back at square one, even if its on a strict professional level.