My current situation

[Lady2163]

I have been involved with a married man for 6.5 years. I met him 25 years ago, we had a one night stand, then no contact until a chance meeting in 2007. I had looked him up on line before that and knew he was still married.

 

The chemistry is amazing. We had talked about just having a one time thing, I lived 2.5 hours away from him. We just had a decent connection.

 

I was his first affair in 1988. Between 1988 and 2007, he had two other flings, I think both lasted less than a year and both probably had less than a dozen rendezvous. But I'm his first longer term affair. He's not my first married man, but this is the first continuous type of relationship I've had. I've been divorced 13 years and I realized the other day, I've been with him almost as long as I was married.

 

To get caught would destroy him. He would lose his job and have difficulty finding another. He would be financially in a world of hurt. He would be thrown out of the house and be miserable starting over. His kids would be devastated.

 

I think he is 99% happy in his marriage. His only complaint is the bedroom. I haven't seen a lot of graphic posts on here, so i will attempt to be tasteful, but it was strictly missionary, no oral and she doesn't like to touch his genital area with her hands, either. He was pretty sheltered sexually as well. I'm Ina section of the country where this is believable.

 

I've only heard him complain a couple of times. He thinks she spends too much money, but he is also a touch tight and not much into frivolous things. Clothes to him are frivolous, so you know the amount of shoes, purses and dresses his wife and daughters have is a little mystifying to him.

 

His wife is a good mother and a good wife. She takes care of him and a lot of hie details so he can be a workaholic, which he enjoys. His kids are all healthy and well-adjusted, three are out of the house now and they are working on careers. He doesn't have a lot of hobbies, his side jobs are hs hobbies. He's well - respected in his community and has plenty of acquaintances, but no super close friends.

 

In the seven years, we've broken up twice. Once when I thought I was losing my focus and that was no contact for a month. The second time was in March. We agreed to stay friends and continued to talk every day and it was G rated. We mutually fell off the wagon.

 

I don't expect him to leave his wife for me.

 

I'm actually content and satisfied with how things are.

 

I don't believe I romantically love him. But more and more I just don't want him to lose everything for having an affair with me.

 

I now live five hours away from him. I'm able to essentially step away from the relationship, without making a big conversation about it. I can be busy with my work, I can have a never ending period, I can make up lies and he won't know any better.

 

I live in a small town, surrounded by other small towns. I'm convinced there is a sign at the town limits invisible to everyone but single men that says, "Single Men: we don't want your kind here...". It doesn't help that I earn twice what the local/state average income is. That's just enough for the losers to line up and try to convince me i should shell out good money for two season tickets to some event I'm not interested in...and oh, the second ticket isn't for me to attend the function, it's for his best friend. Yes, one sweetheart tried that. I'm committed to staying in this town for probably ten more years.

 

I know if I subtly ease away from actual physical contact, I'm going to get...well you know, horny. The hormone surges in my 40's make the puberty mood swings look mild.

 

Somehow, some way, I've got to find a single man I'm attracted to. I won't be able to resist the temptation for more than two months or so if I don't.

 

The married man didn't do me wrong, I just no longer can stomach the thought of how miserable his life will be if we are caught.

[Betterthanthis13]

I have been involved with a married man for 6.5 years. I met him 25 years ago, we had a one night stand, then no contact until a chance meeting in 2007. I had looked him up on line before that and knew he was still married.

 

The chemistry is amazing. We had talked about just having a one time thing, I lived 2.5 hours away from him. We just had a decent connection.

 

I was his first affair in 1988. Between 1988 and 2007, he had two other flings, I think both lasted less than a year and both probably had less than a dozen rendezvous. But I'm his first longer term affair. He's not my first married man, but this is the first continuous type of relationship I've had. I've been divorced 13 years and I realized the other day, I've been with him almost as long as I was married.

 

To get caught would destroy him. He would lose his job and have difficulty finding another. He would be financially in a world of hurt. He would be thrown out of the house and be miserable starting over. His kids would be devastated.

 

I think he is 99% happy in his marriage. His only complaint is the bedroom. I haven't seen a lot of graphic posts on here, so i will attempt to be tasteful, but it was strictly missionary, no oral and she doesn't like to touch his genital area with her hands, either. He was pretty sheltered sexually as well. I'm Ina section of the country where this is believable.

 

I've only heard him complain a couple of times. He thinks she spends too much money, but he is also a touch tight and not much into frivolous things. Clothes to him are frivolous, so you know the amount of shoes, purses and dresses his wife and daughters have is a little mystifying to him.

 

His wife is a good mother and a good wife. She takes care of him and a lot of hie details so he can be a workaholic, which he enjoys. His kids are all healthy and well-adjusted, three are out of the house now and they are working on careers. He doesn't have a lot of hobbies, his side jobs are hs hobbies. He's well - respected in his community and has plenty of acquaintances, but no super close friends.

 

In the seven years, we've broken up twice. Once when I thought I was losing my focus and that was no contact for a month. The second time was in March. We agreed to stay friends and continued to talk every day and it was G rated. We mutually fell off the wagon.

 

I don't expect him to leave his wife for me.

 

I'm actually content and satisfied with how things are.

 

I don't believe I romantically love him. But more and more I just don't want him to lose everything for having an affair with me.

 

I now live five hours away from him. I'm able to essentially step away from the relationship, without making a big conversation about it. I can be busy with my work, I can have a never ending period, I can make up lies and he won't know any better.

 

I live in a small town, surrounded by other small towns. I'm convinced there is a sign at the town limits invisible to everyone but single men that says, "Single Men: we don't want your kind here...". It doesn't help that I earn twice what the local/state average income is. That's just enough for the losers to line up and try to convince me i should shell out good money for two season tickets to some event I'm not interested in...and oh, the second ticket isn't for me to attend the function, it's for his best friend. Yes, one sweetheart tried that. I'm committed to staying in this town for probably ten more years.

 

I know if I subtly ease away from actual physical contact, I'm going to get...well you know, horny. The hormone surges in my 40's make the puberty mood swings look mild.

 

Somehow, some way, I've got to find a single man I'm attracted to. I won't be able to resist the temptation for more than two months or so if I don't.

 

The married man didn't do me wrong, I just no longer can stomach the thought of how miserable his life will be if we are caught.

 

Wow that's a long time for an affair. Are you two sure his W doesn't already know and is turning a blind eye to keep the status quo?

 

If you care about him then yes, stay away, find a single guy to meet your needs... (I'm guessing your marriage is open or you have some kind of tacit understanding?)

 

Tell 6.5 year guy that you really have to do no contact unless he works out a deal with his wife or gets divorced- it sounds like u really care about him, it's too much stress to be carrying around the burden of potentially blowing his life up. Try to be strong, things have to change eventually- better to do the changes yourself then have them made for you with a Dday and have more guilt over it.

[Lady2163]

I'm single, with no kids.

 

Oh, yes, 99% certain the wife does not believe he is having an affair. He legitimately was working late, doing a couple of things out of the ordinary. She became suspicious, threatened to divorce him and threw him out of the bedroom for several days (unbeknown to the children at home). While in that instance he was innocent, he didnt argue with her BECAUSE he wasn't bring a saint.

 

We live five hours apart. There's no need to have no contact at all. That is cruel to do to another person, in my opinion. The burden on me is to resist the urge to ask, "What's your schedule like next week?"

[Pierre]

I'm single, with no kids.

 

Oh, yes, 99% certain the wife does not believe he is having an affair. He legitimately was working late, doing a couple of things out of the ordinary. She became suspicious, threatened to divorce him and threw him out of the bedroom for several days (unbeknown to the children at home). While in that instance he was innocent, he didnt argue with her BECAUSE he wasn't bring a saint.

 

We live five hours apart. There's no need to have no contact at all. That is cruel to do to another person, in my opinion. The burden on me is to resist the urge to ask, "What's your schedule like next week?"

 

Why do you expect so little? In this situation you are alone most of the time and all you are doing is supplementing the marriage of this guy. This is cake eating to the hilt.

 

Don't buy the sexual history, you are not there. It is his job to a paint a bleak sexual history to get you to perform. In your mind you are constantly trying to outdo the wife.

 

I say go find a BF, this guy is making you waste the last leg of your youth on him. Then, you will end alone and he will be home surrounded by his wife, children, etc.

[2sure]

I'm sure you know the advice I'm going to share with you. But you aren't using it, so consider this a reminder.

 

You aren't going to meet anyone until you are available.

As long as you are involved with this guy and he is meeting your needs, you aren't available. Mr. Perfect could jump up and down in front of you but there won't be any chemistry...because you're chemistry set is occupied.

 

I know you say you're not in love with his guy...but this is a very long term intimate relationship.

 

I know you want to meet a single man to stop from going back.

But it just doesn't seem to work that way.

 

You have to end this relationship , grieve its loss, and truly put it behind you before moving Onto the next. Even if grieving in this case involves batteries.

[Pierre]

I'm sure you know the advice I'm going to share with you. But you aren't using it, so consider this a reminder.

 

You aren't going to meet anyone until you are available.

As long as you are involved with this guy and he is meeting your needs, you aren't available. Mr. Perfect could jump up and down in front of you but there won't be any chemistry...because you're chemistry set is occupied.

 

I know you say you're not in love with his guy...but this is a very long term intimate relationship.

 

I know you want to meet a single man to stop from going back.

But it just doesn't seem to work that way.

 

You have to end this relationship , grieve its loss, and truly put it behind you before moving Onto the next. Even if grieving in this case involves batteries.

You are one of the best posters here. Nicely done!!!:)

[Betterthanthis13]

I'm single, with no kids.

 

Oh, yes, 99% certain the wife does not believe he is having an affair. He legitimately was working late, doing a couple of things out of the ordinary. She became suspicious, threatened to divorce him and threw him out of the bedroom for several days (unbeknown to the children at home). While in that instance he was innocent, he didnt argue with her BECAUSE he wasn't bring a saint.

 

We live five hours apart. There's no need to have no contact at all. That is cruel to do to another person, in my opinion. The burden on me is to resist the urge to ask, "What's your schedule like next week?"

 

I'm sorry I don't know where I got that from. I am illiterate today I guess

 

Hmmm. The reason for NC would be for you, not for him- so you can move on. Is that what you want, to move on?

 

I know you probably want the impossible- NOT to hurt him or his family, AND to be with him- so I am sorry you are In this predicament.

It sucks and it's got to hurt like hell.

 

But the burden is on you, even though Its totally unfair. It's your choice now- stay in contact, distance or not, and it will be so so much harder to move on, and each contact is another piece of electronic evidence getting planted just waiting for her to get suspicious enough to launch an investigation.

[Lady2163]

Pierre, normally I wouldn't buy the sexual history either, but he was pretty green when we first started. Some things just can't be faked.

 

I know you think I'm getting the shaft, but last few boyfriends used me for money I didn't have. Now I have just enough money to see a glint in a lot of people's eyes.

 

I don't want to share my surplus with someone who isn't committed to me. I don't want to ask "permission" before I buy a new car. I like being able to choose things on my own. I own a 2000 square foot house. I don't have to get a second opinion before I buy a new couch.

 

I never had children, my clock never ticked. I am warm and kind, but not a nurturer or caretaker. If I want crackers and cheese for supper, I can have that. I don't have to cook or clean for another person. I don't have to run his errands.

 

I might be a touch independent.

 

I have dated. I did actually start a relationship with a single man that was going wonderfully well. Unfortunately, about two months in, his ex-girlfriend wanted him back. He chose history over me. I'm just getting to a point where I'm ready to start dating again. My problem is finding single men. I'm in a small town. I have miserable luck on Internet dating sites. My hobbies and interests are all pretty female oriented.

 

Yes, we have been sex partners for a long time. But, without a dday (hey look, my first abbreviation) I'm not seeing the need to cut all communication. We're buddies, we're pals.

 

I've hesitated revealing certain information about myself. But I was in the military. I have a lot of male friends who are now married. We talk plenty raunchy to each other, but we are not sex buddies. Some of them I was in the past, most I wasn't. I had one friend who worked 2nd shift for five years. Five nights a week he called me on his 30 minute commute home. His wife knew I was a military buddy and I was female. I actually met her once, but she didn't remember. 20 years ago he and I almost had an affair. We didn't. We still talk briefly a few times a week, but are still buddies. His scheduled changed and he works 1st shift now.

 

I am able to be friends and have a kinship with men and not be sexual. I have regular contact with many of my exes who are now involved. Yes, sometimes we talk about things their wives wouldn't appreciate. "Remember that time we drug you into that brothel in X country". Yeah, boys that was a total blast for a heterosexual woman (eye roll).

 

So, while married man is not a military buddy, I'm not wholly convinced at this point I can't have a friendship with him. Barring that whole dday thing.

[Pierre]

Pierre, normally I wouldn't buy the sexual history either, but he was pretty green when we first started. Some things just can't be faked.

 

You are more experienced. But, that does not mean the wife has no libido.

 

Secondly, you probably get your validation by showing MM how much more acrobatic you are in bed. And I am certain you are better in bed because you know you are in competition. The wife has no clue she is competing. . On top of that you have to deal with periods of abstinence. You are pretty normal, but you don't really know the relationship between them.

 

I know you think I'm getting the shaft, but last few boyfriends used me for money I didn't have. Now I have just enough money to see a glint in a lot of people's eyes.

 

You have many prior relationships and it seems they tend to end. This has nothing to do with your talent in bed. BW is mediocre in bed and her H stays with her. I suspect, you pick the wrong men over and over again. The only exception is the married guy, but he is married. And he is no saint either. He is using you and you are giving him your youth and best years.

 

 

I don't want to share my surplus with someone who isn't committed to me. I don't want to ask "permission" before I buy a new car. I like being able to choose things on my own. I own a 2000 square foot house. I don't have to get a second opinion before I buy a new couch.

 

I never had children, my clock never ticked. I am warm and kind, but not a nurturer or caretaker. If I want crackers and cheese for supper, I can have that. I don't have to cook or clean for another person. I don't have to run his errands.

 

There are plenty of men that don't get in the way of the wife. The wives can buy what they want, some of them are housewives. Your man picker is off.

 

I might be a touch independent.

 

And that is to be admired, but at some point you need to change this arrangement that is going nowhere. You will get older and still be alone. The affair will eventually end and you will have miss your chances with other available men. I know you are independent, but deep down you would like a companion to grow old with you.

 

I have dated. I did actually start a relationship with a single man that was going wonderfully well. Unfortunately, about two months in, his ex-girlfriend wanted him back. He chose history over me. I'm just getting to a point where I'm ready to start dating again. My problem is finding single men. I'm in a small town. I have miserable luck on Internet dating sites. My hobbies and interests are all pretty female oriented.

 

You picked the wrong guy again. He was probably still with the GF when you dated him. A pseudo MM. I do understand that there is a window in the life of men and women when single people are widely available, then the window starts to close and it is hard. Nevertheless, as long as you are in love with this man you will not be able to connect with anyone. The men will seem to be uninteresting.

 

Yes, we have been sex partners for a long time. But, without a dday (hey look, my first abbreviation) I'm not seeing the need to cut all communication. We're buddies, we're pals.

 

You cannot give him up because you love him.

[Lady2163]

Actually I've been struggling with my definition of romantic love for many years. I don't think I love him because I had the opportunity to move much closer to him and I moved farther away.

 

I know my man picker is out of whack. The man I am probably best suited for would be someone who works in education, but not a coach. More like a history or English professor/teacher.

[Pierre]

Actually I've been struggling with my definition of romantic love for many years. I don't think I love him because I had the opportunity to move much closer to him and I moved farther away.

 

You love him, but you know is going nowhere. That is why you moved further out.

 

I know my man picker is out of whack. The man I am probably best suited for would be someone who works in education, but not a coach. More like a history or English professor/teacher.

 

You probably attract cool smooth men, the players, the womanizer types, the charming ones, etc.

 

And you are attracted to them. I know why.

[Phoenix32]

Lady, I completely understand - I'm pretty sure my man picker is out of whack too. My first husband was an abusive control freak, my second was an alcoholic child molester, and the third (current) is just completely uninvolved. I figured he was perfect because he wasn't controlling or alcoholic. In between the marriages, I dated a guy who tried to live off me when I was making hardly any money, and a guy who had serious psychological problems and was mentally abusive, always had to walk on eggshells around him.

[Lady2163]

Phoenix...whew...you do attract the cream of the crop, don't you?

 

It took me until about 10 years ago to hone what I call my bastard detector.

 

Usually it is within three dates that I can tell if they're an addict, self centered, hobby oriented (I'd be miserable with a three season sports fan), money moochers, hung up on exes or any other warning signs that scare me off.