Lusting after Married Man

[Queenie860]

This is a bit of a long story so I'm just going to go into the basics here..... Met a guy at work several years ago. We have always been good friends - spend a lot of time on business trips, etc and while I've always been attracted, he has never let on that the feelings were mutual. We have both been married to our significant others for about 14 years. Like me, I sensed that all was not paradise in his marriage.

 

His wife's job took him to the East Coast about 2 years ago. Last year, he was in town and came by the office. We ended up talking for about 5 hours. It was a lovely visit and I emailed him afterwards to tell him so. I was bit flirtatious and while much of my email was about dealing with problems at home, I did hint at the fact that I wished there had been some physical contact between us. We chatted a few times after that and in one conversation he told me the feelings were mutual. I was on cloud 9 for several days until I started to question what feelings was he talking about -- towards me or just bad relationship at home? I wrote him and never got an answer. I emailed a few other times over the months and never had any further contact. I was sad because we had such a long-standing friendship but figured I may have crossed a line he didn't want crossed.

 

Recently he was in town and again came by the office. I almost passed out my heart was beating so fast when I saw him. We were chatting about a project and he asked if he could have a look. We went to my office where he grabbed me unexpectedly and started kissing me. I was taken aback but it was truly wonderful. From what he told me, he had nearly gotten off the road after a 10-hour trip and come directly to the office to see me.

 

He had to leave to take care of some business and said unfortunately he wouldn't have time to see me again before he left town. I later emailed him and said I would really like to get together if he had time but he wrote back and said he was happy we had spent some time together and that no, it just wouldn't be possible. I felt like maybe I had come on too strong so I texted him to ask if we were still friends and to say that I would love to see him on a future visit. It's been about 3 weeks now and I've had no further contact. This is killing me - I can't stop thinking about him and I don't understand why he is so hot and cold. I fear I may have done something to turn him off but I don't know what. I think he may have cheated on his wife before but not 100% sure. I just feel awful and don't know what to do. I have such a strong attraction to him and given the distance between us, it's not like there is any future for a real relationship. I'm in kind of a dead-end marriage but I doubt I would ever leave my husband. I don't know if I should just forget about him (which would be very hard) or wait around to see what he does next. Anyone been in a similar situation and how did it resolve itself?

[Eggplant]

It was you who hinted at wanting physical contact. (WHY???? ?????) That lit a fire in his groin. He's just having his fun with you. He's a man -- it costs him little emotionally.

[Lady2163]

Eggplant may be right. It sucks to put yourself out there to someone and then have the, either out and out reject you, or worse lead you on.

 

Are you able to back off, let him initiate the next contact? I know, so much easier said than done.

[Pierre]

It was you who hinted at wanting physical contact. (WHY???? ?????) That lit a fire in his groin. He's just having his fun with you. He's a man -- it costs him little emotionally.

 

OP is coming on so strong that it takes the fun out of it. I think he kissed her on an impulse to satisfy her. Maybe a pity kiss. Otherwise, I don't think he is interested in having an affair.

 

OP needs to be a bit more aloof and not so much upfront.

[BruisedBNBroken]

Please run as far and fast as you can NOW. If you think trying to forget him now is hard, try actually carrying on a physical affair and then forgetting him. You have a head start using. As a married women in a dead end ea/pa I regret every last interaction. And, trying to hide the obsessiona and misery at home while tending to the kids and home life and pretending everything is honky dory is utter and complete torture. I look forward to my showers and my runs when I can cry and tears just blend in with the sweat and water. Please, run.

[The Way I Am]

Sounds like he was in town and figured you would be great for a quick thrill. But he's not willing to communicate with you in any way where he can get caught. His avoidance of any communication tells you he's not interested in an affair or a relationship. If you lived nearby, he'd probably be down for an affair. But long distance would just be a bunch of communication that could get spotted by his wife with no physical payoff. If he's ever in town again, he'll probably stop by and try to get you to go someplace to have sex if he has enough time.

 

He's using you. Forget about him. Either work on your marriage or end it and find someone you can be happy with.

[Queenie860]

Thank you. I appreciate all your replies. I think one of the reasons I posted here is because I need to hear these hard truths. It's so hard when your heart is caught up in something while your head is telling you something else. I think I am pathetic for wanting just a quick roll in the sheets with this guy...especially as he is no random stranger but a dear friend who I have shared so many experiences and long talks, etc. with.

 

BruisedBNBroken: I feel for you so much. And I am sure I should listen and learn from your experience. As women, we have such a hard time turning off our emotions -- it's so easy to get caught up in something even when we say it's just a physical attraction. I've already been moping around home for a few weeks and my husband knows I am miserable about something.

 

The hardest part for me is separating my friend from this man I shared such a passionate brief encounter with. I almost consider his lack of contact now as a betrayal to our friendship. Yes, I was the one who hinted this go to another place - maybe an out and out rejection would have been better. But in restrospect, I see some of the signs of a mutual atttraction over the years we have known each other -- little comments about my looks, brushing his hand against my leg when there was really no need for it, hugging me goodbye as if his life depended it.

 

I know I should I just forget about him but I can't stop fantasizing about what might have been (or what might be) if we just had a few hours alone. I've never cheated on my husband, never even thought about it, and now it's the only thing on my mind. Sigh. I've come up with a million reasons to initiate contact with him in the past few weeks but have resisted the urge or moaned about it with a girlfriend who has had a few infedilities herself. I want nothing more than for him to reach out to me but yes, The Way I Am, I suspect you are right in saying that he doesn't want to risk any trace of his wife finding out about this.

[The Way I Am]

I know I should I just forget about him but I can't stop fantasizing about what might have been (or what might be) if we just had a few hours alone.

 

I know that seems like it would be a dream. We've all been caught in fantasy at least once or twice. In some cases though, you have to think past that fantasy to reality.

 

If you'd had a few hours alone, what would have happened afterward?

 

If you slept with him and gotten this same non-communication from him, how would you feel now? And where would that leave your marriage?