izzybelle Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 fanou, i hope to get over it, get past it, get through it all one day, as well. i may be hoping for the impossible but i have to believe that there is somewhere out there a man who could help me rebuild that trust. who i wouldn't have to question every move. i'm guessing men who have been in similar situations whether they were OMs who got dumped or got out of an affair with a MW, or men who's wives cheated on them and they left. hmmmm maybe that would be a good place to meet some men with similar fears. but i can picture that.... all the men on one side of the room, afraid to talk to the women on the other side (visions of the high school dance), and then of course i suppose there's the possibility of running into the wife of someone who's husband you ..... well maybe that idea won't work. but i do have to believe that there are some good, loving, trusting, and yes, sexy and incredible, men out there somewhere!!! Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Where are those"good,loving,trusted,sexy...... men"?????. They must be in Heave. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 sami - personally i'd prefer not to have to wait until i get to heaven. ohhh, well i'm an OW i'm not going there anyway, so if you have some other ideas..... Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Who said OWs will not go to Heaven???? We have recently had our own church which teaches exactly that every good person will go there. I believe we all here on the LS are very good people and friends. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 i agree with your church's beliefs but i think you may find many here who don't.... Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 That's perfectly fine. I can quite understand that we will have our differences on many issues. It is really unfortunate that we use religion more to divide than to bring us together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shiraz Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 [ well maybe that idea won't work. but i do have to believe that there are some good, loving, trusting, and yes, sexy and incredible, men out there somewhere!!! Hmmmm, hope your right! If we do find them, we will put our three names in a hat and draw for him. (giggle) And since I thought up the idea of the hat, I get to put my name in three times. Sound fair??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shiraz Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 Originally posted by fanou22 This is exactly what has been happening to me. I keep wondering whether I would be able to trust the man I may marry some day. Then again I may never get married. Some day you might find a man who can make you laugh, enjoy yourself and trust. But if you find him, you have to share with the rest of us! LOL.... Hmmmm, guess that defeats the purpose. Trust is so hard to build and keep. I doubt we will ever trust any guy 100%. Once your innocents is taken away, or neiveness I don't think it ever comes back. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 shiraz, sounds good to me. and i like the fact that you said "him" not "them". so we're all going to be fighting over just one guy? Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Well ladies, if I find him first I will share him with you............. Before my affair with xMM, I had trust issue with other men. Now these issues have gone deeper. Furthermore, I am surrounded by men (family and friends) who bitch about marriage and who cheat. Go figure what I go through when I think that one day I may end up with a man like them. It does not really help to listen to them. One day I was talking to a guy friend of mine. I asked him whether one day if I get married do I expect my husband to cheat on me like the others. He rationalized by saying "wouldn't you prefer to know that he comes home to you?" To which I replied H*** NO, He can stay where he went. He proceeded to tell me that I may never get married if I never change my opinions. I am not without hope that one day I may meet a man who will be the one for me. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 fanou, my experience with my married male friends has been similar. even one who i know cheated and then said he had to work things out with his wife, i think may be cheating again about a year later. and those who aren't cheating complain. and i'm glad they feel comfortable doing that around me although sometimes it feels like they expect a pity fu** for what they're going through. one male friend who does complain, however, does have some serious, serious problems and you can tell just by looking at him that it's not a come-on. he's hurting and has been on that wonderful stress diet that many of the rest of us have been on. and thanks for offering to share. i don't think it's hopeless, but it does make me wary and nervous whenever i meet someone new. maybe in time i'll trust again, but then part of me thinks why? that's how i got hurt this time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shiraz Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 You know what ladies, we should all hang on to hope. Things will turn around for us. And we will look back on these days and say "What was I thinking" It's just that it feels like it's taking forever to get settled. Everyone I tlak to say that I will meet someone. ALL those people can't be wrong. Just wish some one would say when. Even if I knew it was two years down the road...... I wonder what goes through a cheatings man mind? Do you think they are as messed up as we are? You think they would talk to anyone about having an affair, like us women do? I wonder how our MM would react if the tables were turned. I bet ya they'd fall to their knees Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Shiraz, IMO, there are 2 kinds of cheating MM. The ones who are just into the sex and typically they would have sex with another woman for a couple of times or maybe a month then leave. These are a**holes. Then there is the other kind, the one who is tormented more than we are. The one who is dying inside. The one who loves his wife but loves the OW also. The one who cannot let go of the OW. He gets jealous of every single male within a mile of the OW. He loves his children and cannot bear to be away from them. He does not want to hurt his wife by leaving her. He rationalizes his affair by thinking "why can't I be happy". He is the one who settled for second best instead of his soulmate. This kind of MM is sincere and he hurts more than the OW. The difference? He can mask his hurt very well. He goes home and pretends to be happy. He pretends to be watching sports on TV so he can dream about the OW while being left alone. He goes on pretending and putting the happy face all the while questioning his own existence and reminiscing in the times he had spent with the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shiraz Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 Originally posted by fanou22 Shiraz, Oh man..... Was that good. I hope so much that's true. (I'm slefish). YOu seem to have a real good insight on all of this. It's almost like your talking about my MM. Especially when you say they mask their feelings. I'm leaving for the weekend, hope to touch base with you two again. THis is so nice to be able to talk so open and have people undestand. I wish we could have a group hug Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 Hugs to you and have fun this weekend. We will still be here when you get back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shiraz Posted October 29, 2004 Author Share Posted October 29, 2004 Originally posted by fanou22 Hugs to you and have fun this weekend. We will still be here when you get back. Ya, women are always reliable! Thank you. Have a great weekend yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Minty Posted October 29, 2004 Share Posted October 29, 2004 I just wanted to reply to you with my point of view. I was with my MM before he got married. I went through all the same feelings and concerns that you did. One day I would convince myself he had nothing left with her, the next day I felt confused and when the day came that he said he was marrying her, I should have walked then. But I didn't. Because you see, he always had a very good reason for everything. He had apparently only stayed with her because of the very young daughter they had between them. He claimed he had never met anyone like me and loved me more than he could possibly love anyone else, and that his partner at home was the Mother of his child, and that was the only tie. He manipulated me and sadly convinced me to see he was the big tragic love of my life. He made me believe that whatever happened he would come and find me one day and he would never love anyone else in the same way. Some may think I am a very stupid woman, but I think you may understand those feelings of is he/isn't he being honest. And he wouldn't be with me if he didn't mean it. He married, and I let go. He didn't though and still expected to have me on the side even though he was married. I wouldn't allow it and finally met someone else who was single and was able to give me a real relationship where I didn't have to share with anyone else. My MM still tried to convince me to be with him, even though newly married, and I didn't give in and pursued my new man. However thinking that there was still something special and there had to be after all myself and my MM had been through, that he had never done this before and certainly would not do it again. That he only was unfaithful because he fell in love with me and that now, he would try and make a go of his marriage if he couldn't have me as well. I heard 6 months later that his wife has thrown him out and filed for divorce - the reason? He had found a new affair in his new office! I don't think I'll ever truly know what I was to him. I still find myself shocked that I believed I was the first and last affair and I was special. Sadly, I'm beginning to realise that there are some men out there who are not satisfied with one woman, even when happy. My MM I feel, is on self destruct mode and will always have a passion for affairs and the adrenalin rush and excitement that comes with them. My conclusion is that, it's never clean cut or how you or I think it is. And there are many reasons why this happens and why people remain in an affair for many years - keeping both partners going for as long as they can. But that is it as well, will it change? I know this will sound harsh, but it's been 3 years. Why would he change things now? People used to say these things to me. I used to use websites like this and constantly search for the answer I WANTED to hear, but I knew the answer deep down and when I finally broke free (and believe me, I never thought I would) it was a lot easier never to go back and I know I never would get involved again. The pain and the loneliness and the emotional scarring is just too much. Think: What do you want and need, because right now he's getting out of it exactly what he wants, without any sacrifices - but just how many sacrifices are you making? x Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted October 30, 2004 Share Posted October 30, 2004 Originally posted by Shiraz Hello, I'm a newbee here. I've read a lot of the posting, and finally feel like I want to communicate with some of you. I'm one of those awful OW. I have being seeing my MM for 3 years now. I love him very much, and I do bleive it's mutual. I just wish I could understand why this happens, what goes through their heads. I keep finding articles that say, guys do it just for the sex. Well I believe that there is always an exception to the rule. My MM met me, when I had just seperated. I was also dealing with sexual abuse issues from 25 years ago. He stayed with me through a wicked period of depression. Tears, frustration. How can you say he was with me for the sex. This guy loves his wife, and claims they have a great home life, good sex. Do you think it's possible that 's true? If so, why would he want me on the side? I don't need to get a blast from anyone here, I do feel builty for my actions. But one thing I have learned over the years. Do't judge people. You never know what your future holds for you... I wont judge you but I will keep it real. You are being LEASED like an apartment. The w is the HOUSE, the real investment. The valuables are there. You are giving him your precious love, emotions, hear, and soul. FOR WHAT! Baby, that is enough. Break the Lease! Link to post Share on other sites
Withnail Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Well I guess I felt compelled to give a male viewpoint. Im a married man who had an affair. Yous got to realize its not like we wake up one day and say 'hey I think I'll cheat on my spouse today'. Most often it comes to us, as it did me. And after 2 years of giving me ultimatums, I let her go eventhough I had strong feelings of love for her, I chose my wife and my daughters who are very young. I just couldnt condemn them to what most likely would be a life of poverty. Im happy with my wife yes, but am I as happy as when I had my other woman, no, what can I say, Im the typical sleazeball I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
9Lives Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Originally posted by Withnail Well I guess I felt compelled to give a male viewpoint. Im a married man who had an affair. Yous got to realize its not like we wake up one day and say 'hey I think I'll cheat on my spouse today'. Most often it comes to us, as it did me. And after 2 years of giving me ultimatums, I let her go eventhough I had strong feelings of love for her, I chose my wife and my daughters who are very young. I just couldnt condemn them to what most likely would be a life of poverty. Im happy with my wife yes, but am I as happy as when I had my other woman, no, what can I say, Im the typical sleazeball I guess. If you are happy with your w, then why did you cheat? I really need to know. like I said you are leasing. Link to post Share on other sites
izzybelle Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 withnail, i don't know if i could in good conscience call you a sleezeball. i may in frustration refer to men who cheat as liars and men who manipulate. and i may get angry at times about the situation, but bottom line is that i fell in love with a married man. i know some MMs really do care for their OWs and are genuinely upset, sad, and torn when the relationship has to end. and i know there are others, who are more than likely just using their OWs. i was hurt terribly when my MM ended things. i at least got the courtesy of an explaination, some who have posted here got none, the MM just disappeared. so no, i don't think you're a sleezeball. do i think you should have left your wife before getting involved with someone else? yes. do i feel badly for your family, for you, and for the OW you left behind? yes. but since i have been involved with a married man, i cannot pass judgement on you. i know jvjrose makes the comparison between renting and leasing.... is this how you saw/see it? i can understand the logic but i'm curious from your point if you see if this way. Link to post Share on other sites
Withnail Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Hi Izzybelle, thank you for not ripping into me . Well I guess my point is that its real easy to cast blame on the man. Since Im married and -Id like to think a good father- I do get hit on by women a lot more than when I was single. I do think some women like a man that is 'proven goods', if I can say it like that. And theres probably some women who like the idea to steal a man away too. It takes two to tango. It is an awful situation for everyone, and where some women probably think that man is being selfish and self serving, for me it was the opposite, I just wanted everyone to be happy and very often I put myself last. A man who is selfish and self serving would probably just have a one nighter, I think. Link to post Share on other sites
fanou22 Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Each situation is different though the contexts of the affairs all look similar. Withnail, IMO it is not always the man's fault. At times it is the woman's fault. Often times the W forgets that her husband has needs and neglects him. When the MM tries to rectify the situation and the W is non responsive then she is to blame. But if he is seeking a thrill to his routine life while his W meets his needs then he is a sleezball. That is only one scenario. Please do not misunderstand me. I am not saying it is always the W's fault but one cannot deny the fact that sometimes it is. I am not saying that based on xMM but on what I have heard from other people. Withnail, what pushed towards the affair? Was something lacking in your marriage? What did you find with the OW that was not at home? I hope you will answer these questions. Link to post Share on other sites
immoralist Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Many affairs, especially long term affairs involving colleagues at work, are the product of mutual attraction and circumstance as opposed to any "fault" at home. I honestly believe that it's virtually impossible to make a marriage "affair-proof." No spouse can control all the random factors that, when the temperature is right, create a serious long term affair. An affair is frequently the product of opportunity, mutual attraction and a pre-existing friendship between two people. Affairs are rarely pre-meditated, designed, planned or constructed. Rather, they occur in the helter skelter of work life--when two people start talking, not about work, but about things that really matter to them. Once these pre-affair confidences are exchanged, and maintained, the mutual lust soon follows. An intimate place outside the marriage, like some secret garden, has been created. This secret garden becomes, over time, a refuge not only from work, but from the marriage. The gateway to a serious affair is not porn but often a healthy and respectful collegial relationship and friendship between a man and a woman. While affairs may end in sleaze, many do not start out that way. Bad marriages don't make affairs; affairs make bad marriages. Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted October 31, 2004 Share Posted October 31, 2004 Well said,well done immoralist (sinner). Link to post Share on other sites
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