porn, ed, swinging...where to start?????

[MsShelleH]

*i am a married woman...for more than 20 years.

my husband i have a good life together, and kids....he is a good man, i love him, and he loves me.

*sexually, we have what seems to be "issues" that just seem to be increasingly overwhelming.

*he has had long term issues with ED, self esteem problems, etc.

*and I have had infidelity issues thoughout our marraige. (non disclosed)

 

we are approaching mid 40s....

 

he started E.D therapy a year ago...and, has seen significant improvement in his erection abilities, stamina, and libido.

 

but lately, he has become extremely focused on porn, swinging, and seems very "dis-satisfied" to spite sex nearly daily.

 

i am having a hard time with exactly how much i want to participate in expanding his/our sexual horizons.

 

are there people out there dealing with these issues???????

[GorillaTheater]

i am having a hard time with exactly how much i want to participate in expanding his/our sexual horizons.

 

I'd recommend determining where your boundaries and/or comfort zone lies, and let him have a girlfriend or three to handle the rest.

[MsShelleH]

i dont think i am alltogether opposed to your advice.

 

but, while i know there is alot of "positive press" for swinging these days...i guess i have standard stereoypes, for lack of better terminology ---regarding "maintianing respect" for one another and our marriage....that have me concerned to open this door or give me reservations to really open up

[jphcbpa]

what does the ed therapy entail?

[MsShelleH]

testosterone shots, and medication...oral and/or injected...not like just a cialis or viagra script, or occasion use...serious condition treatment.

 

took long term use to really see clear results. (and expensive)

[GorillaTheater]

You realize that my smartassery, and a slight eye tic when I read about your concerns over respect for one another and the marriage, stems from this bit about your apparently repeated and undisclosed infidelity, right?

 

The standard advice would almost certainly be to do nothing that crosses your boundaries, but this is not exactly a standard situation, is it?

 

While you could probably and perhaps even justifiably argue that your infidelity doesn't have anything directly to do with the question you posed, it's a little difficult to ignore. You're under no obligation to address it, but I wish you would.

[MsShelleH]

yeah---thats fair.

 

i def have my own problems....

because you have been together a long time does not make you close...and while i think late in life he has become more inclined to "try harder" or be different...

 

communication has always been a problem...and both sexually and emotionally i have allowed others to pacify those needs. But, coming from a broken home...i want more for my children. and there are so many reasons...divorce is not really my choice.

 

now granted, as kids get older...how do you become "intimate friends" with your " child rearing partner"??? whole nother subject.

 

but yes, I DO love him and our FAMILY TOGETHER....so i want to try.

[GorillaTheater]

I think you need to lay all of your cards on the table. Both your concerns over swinging and what that will mean for your marriage, and the infidelity. Start dealing with each other and your issues from the standpoint of some radical honesty. May end your marriage, and it may not, but whatever happens, it'll happen in truth.

[karnak]

 

but yes, I DO love him and our FAMILY TOGETHER....so i want to try.

 

Sorry for saying this. But, personally, I think you're only afraid to be alone.

[janedoe67]

I would have the doctor check his dosage as well.

 

I have not experienced all of your problems, but I have experienced being married for decades to a man who had no interest in sex or touch and having more than one affair.

 

I can understand your concerns about his new interests and desires, especially the swinging. BUT...whether you think so or not, the secrets you are keeping are hurting your marriage as well.

 

I know the all cards on the table idea is terrifying, but I honestly think it is good advice. Secrets make us (and our relationships) sick.

[jphcbpa]

testosterone shots, and medication...oral and/or injected...not like just a cialis or viagra script, or occasion use...serious condition treatment.

 

took long term use to really see clear results. (and expensive)

 

Perhaps he could use some emotional therapy or MC coupled with this

[Radu]

i dont think i am alltogether opposed to your advice.

 

but, while i know there is alot of "positive press" for swinging these days...i guess i have standard stereoypes, for lack of better terminology ---regarding "maintianing respect" for one another and our marriage....that have me concerned to open this door or give me reservations to really open up

 

I agree, there is nothing more important than maintaining respect for one another during marriage :

 

*and I have had infidelity issues thoughout our marraige. (non disclosed)

 

PS: I agree with GT, at least explore it.

[MsShelleH]

Im not afraid to be alone.

 

But, that is not whats good for my kids, their future, all relationships that a divorce would effect....there is more to life and love than sexual desire.....fulfilled or not. Even emotional needs are selfish needs to a point.

HONESTLY, i dont see that as better for my husband either---thats not being conceded or vain....while i know the typical "doesnt he deserve someone to love him honestly and faithfully"-yes, he is a good man and he does deserve better than a wife who cheats on him, or a better me...but, i can honestly say i dont know that he would try...i really dont think he would be happy. (yeah, i bet a bunch of people chime in hateful remarks on that).

 

Truth is I fear the whole swing thing on a certain level, because i dont really know why he wants to do it..i dont want him to do it for me...because on some level he knows i have been unfulfilled for some time....and if he doesnt get the attention he wants....(which i dont think would be about looks so much as attitude)what will happen? i actually think it would be great for another woman to pay attention to him---for real?!?! i think it would be great for him....most of the women he interacts with come off thinking hes a jerk, so if he could be sweet to someone--wow.

 

while everything is definately non-disclosed...there is a level of "dont ask dont tell"--- while i dont think i will ever come clean to everything...maybe im completely crazy...but i dont think he wants to know...and, almost that he does know to a degree.

 

 

while i am sure there may be men that could fulfill me on that level----How many people leave "to find true hapiness"....

i dont really buy that...happiness is a choice.

 

how happy could I be when i see that my chidlren sacrifice for "my happiness", or my mother in laws heart break---when I am not there to be her daughter.....

 

have you seen what divorce does to people???

 

if you have a lot of money...ok, well hey maybe...but if you live middle + its pretty much ****ty for everyone. you cant add a whole seperate living expense and expect no one to suffer.

 

not to mention, Im a great MOM...and it isnt fair to make him a part time dad...over somewhat unimportant wants(or selfish needs).

 

im sorry, but i dont think a lot of so called dead beat dads are unloving parents....but, the wife takes the kids, and a big chunk of income...and what, the man has to do his best to maintain a good life, find some happiness too..(i mean hey it isnt fair to think he should just go on supporting a team he isnt part of anymore, no matter whose choice that was)...i just think if you arent there to live it and make the decisions(with raising kids) you cant have the same relationship and focus and determination to provide(or sacrifice) WITH YOUR CHILDREN IF YOU DIVORCE. His role in my childrens life is VERY important to me.

 

well thats alot.

 

This is my first time on a site like this....just hearing other thoughtsand opinions is nice...

[Betterthanthis13]

I think opening a marriage to other partners is a difficult thing to do in the BEST of marriages, where there already exists radical honesty between H and W, and they both feel great about their intimacy level-

 

If the couple has trust issues or other marriage problems such as undisclosed infidelity- I think opening the marriage might be a good GOAL to set for "some time in the future" but to get to the point where it is a "good idea", you would have a lot of work to do to be able to experience something like that together without your marriage imploding.

 

If he is serious about it, and you are open to the idea, this might be a good time to lay the groundwork of honesty and communication and work through some big problems. I'd give it at least a year of talking and marriage building before acting out any of his fantasies.

 

Here's an article about transitioning from a relationship where there has been cheating, to an open marriage.

 

http://felislunae.org/relationships-love/coming-clean/

Edited July 26, 2013 by Betterthanthis13

[Morgoth]

Interesting that posters with female oriented handles want to reduce his T dosage, I wonder if they have medical degrees and understand the male body and how it works.

 

 

OP tell him you arer fine with him finding another partner(s) sexually/emotionally, you did, maybe you could pick them out with him. Then you get what u want, him as Dad and provider, family man and he get's what he wants, variety. Not everyone stays aligned with their marriage partner, and not everyone wants to blow up their family to get what they need sexually because as you pointed out, there is more to it than an orgasm.