Should the institution of marriage just be thrown on the scrapheap of history?

[Pyro]

Statistically walkway wives are much greater. That is a fact.

 

But there is still a chance that you could walk a way from your wife. Based on your fragile character I'd say that it is a pretty good chance.

[Els]

Statistically walkway wives are much greater. That is a fact.

 

Actually, statistics only show which person 'filed for divorce', which doesn't really mean jack, but let's go along with that for now.

 

The risk of dying from lung cancer is statistically lower than the risk of dying in a car accident, but if you smoke, you as an individual have a higher risk of dying from lung cancer.

 

As individuals, not mere numbers, do you think you or your wife has the healthier state of mind and view of relationships?

[xxoo]

Statistically walkway wives are much greater. That is a fact.

 

Has your wife ever been previously married?

 

You have. You already have a track record of divorce. Aren't you the bigger risk?

 

Of course, you had a REASON to divorce. I understand. You could offer women the benefit of the doubt that they had a reason, too.

[tbf]

Easy remedy:

 

 

Far less reading.

 

Much greater attention paid to understanding the statistics which you cite.

 

 

Take a made-up example of 20 high school cheerleaders, all female, and all as hot as you can imagine them being (all of the social opportunities in the world).

 

They all go to college, and each marry for the first time at 22 (some having been proposed to by a previous guy, and perhaps one or two having had a kid previously as well - just to make this nearer to societal norm).

 

By their 23rd birthdays, they have married collectively the sum total of 20 times.

 

As is always the case, the hotties have no short supply of suitors lined-up to try to woo them off of their thrones and out of their marriages. Lets say 5 of the girls cheat on their husbands, 3 divorce quickly, and the rest remain married for a while.

 

By age 30, of the original 20 girls, perhaps a total of 6 are now divorced, with 4 of those having remarried (what with the unending offers for the hotties).

 

By age 40, there are 2 new divorcees, with 2 (1 previously divorced, and 1 newly divorced) having remarried, and 2 of those on their 2nd marriages have also divorced, with even one of those remarried (rather quickly, to the guy she was cheating with, of course).

 

SO where are we now:

 

20 women... (hopefully at least 12 still 'hot')

 

27 total marriages

 

10 divorces

 

1 person married 3 times

 

1 other individual divorced twice

 

4 added individuals married twice (not yet divorced from 2nd husband)

 

 

In this example of 40yo's... 60% of the women account for zero percent of the divorces, and 40% of the women account for 100% of the divorces. Just 10% of the women comprise 40% of the divorces.

 

Play this out further, for 10 and 20 more years, and the statistics, although perhaps showing 40 marriages and 20 divorces, will also show that a clear majority mated for life-to-date, while a relatively small group tallied up the overwhelming majority of the divorces.

 

(all so you can sit here and try to scare people with misleading divorce statistics) The data you cite won't affect the mainstream until it can be stated that most individuals have been considerably flawed not of their own doing.

 

It's a lot like HIV, where those like you who subscribed to mid-1980's beliefs and predictions, expected HIV would have swarmed through society and altered the face of humanity by now. Instead, AIDS simply did not significantly impact the purely heterosexual, non-drug-using society (once HIV was eliminated from the blood supply).

 

 

(It is the psychological make-up of at least one of the partners in those random marriages which keeps leading one side to self-destruct socially, while the other side is effectively victimized by that repeat offender)

 

(the so-called 'victim' partner has a past which often draws him/her right to just the mistreatment which seems so familiar, {and which is a harbinger of divorce and disappointment to follow} )

 

(That, while still, a considerable majority of people still mate for the long, long haul)

 

Statistically walkway wives are much greater. That is a fact.

Did you even read SincereOnlineGuy's post? I'm requoting it for effect. Read it, understand it and let it sink in. It's a lot more meaningful than the simpleton snapshot statistics you find on the Interweb.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Because the walkaway wife epidemic has me scared to death that it one day might happen to me. I also wonder if my wife deep down thinks she settled because it is how married women these days tend to view their husbands.

 

Sorry to stoke your fears … but if a woman leaves a husband who is unstable emotionally and who lives in constant doubt about her, her integrity, her intentions, the marriage - decides she can't take it anymore, that's not exactly an example of "the walkaway wife epidemic."

Edited July 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Els]

Right now Woggle, if you don't get your attitude in check, it could be the death of your marriage in the long-run.

 

Exactly. A self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Woggle]

I seriously don' see how any man who has his eyes and ears open can truly feel secure in a marriage these days. Women are dumping their husbands in droves and it is only natural to wonder if you are going to be next.

[Pyro]

I seriously don' see how any man who has his eyes and ears open can truly feel secure in a marriage these days. Women are dumping their husbands in droves and it is only natural to wonder if you are going to be next.

 

Men dump women too so they have just as much of a right to be scared about it but you rarely see it on here.

 

You have the 'all or nothing' attitude whether you realize it or not.

Edited July 27, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Conformance to guidelines

[LittleTiger]

I seriously don' see how any man who has his eyes and ears open can truly feel secure in a marriage these days. Women are dumping their husbands in droves and it is only natural to wonder if you are going to be next.

 

No, Woggle, it is not 'natural' to think this way!

 

My first husband left me but I certainly don't spend any time wondering if my current fiancé is planning to do the same at some point after we're married.

 

Do you ever wonder if your current wife is going to pull a gun on you? Of course not, because she is not the same as your first wife.

 

Even if it were true, just because other women might be dumping their husbands 'in droves', what does that have to do with you and your wife? You keep telling us you're happily married so 'be happy'. Focus on the present and enjoy what you have. Constantly worrying if you're going to be next on the hit list must be completely exhausting for you!

[letsbeotherpeople]

I seriously don' see how any man who has his eyes and ears open can truly feel secure in a marriage these days. Women are dumping their husbands in droves and it is only natural to wonder if you are going to be next.

 

Frankly, if you were this pessimistic and cynical at home, I'd have dumped yer ass long ago.

 

The reason you feel like this is you. You say you have your eyes and ears open, but they are only open to any information that validates your doom laden opinion.

 

You won't see or hear this, because you don't want to, but you are wrong. There are people completely happy in marital bliss all over the world. There are people happy in relationships all over the world. Not every one of them is doomed to fail.

 

I think there is a time for therapy for fears and concerns. But I think there is also a time to be told to grow up, get over yourself and get on with life.

 

So grow up.

Get over yourself.

Get on with your life.

 

The problem is you. Sort. It. Out.

[Els]

I seriously don' see how any man who has his eyes and ears open can truly feel secure in a marriage these days. Women are dumping their husbands in droves and it is only natural to wonder if you are going to be next.

 

Going by your logic, any woman who reads your posts would be put off relationships forever. Men are apparently going bitter by the droves no matter how well you treat them, and it's only natural to wonder if your bf/husband/fiance is going to be next, no?

[Woggle]

I am not trolling. I worry about this stuff until I literally drive myself crazy and I need a place to vent about it.

[Els]

Woggle, have you seen a psychologist for this?

 

Honest. You should consider doing so unless you want to spend the rest of your life screwing up everything good that you have by creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your wife, by all your accounts, has been absolutely saintly to you. The kind of woman that many men can only dream of.

 

If you drive her away with your bitterness, you'll only have yourself to blame. Seek help, now. That's going to be my last post to you on this thread; not interested in watching history repeat itself for the 1284278927494280th time.

[xxoo]

Your worries are irrational. And your strategy of obsessing and venting isn't helping you.

 

What is your big fear? Is it being left? Or being played for a fool?

[affairaddict]

Don't think marriage works. We are not meant to be tied together like that and monogamous really. It's nice in theory. Don't know of anyone in their marriage who is truly happy except my parents - they were.

 

Women seem to want to get married just so they are a mrs and its all for show. Once the big day has gone by it loses it's appeal for most let's be real!

[Robert]

I would like to point out this post by the thread starter, read it before you come onto this thread and insult him.

He is using LoveShack in the manner it was created for, to help people with interpersonal relationships, are you?

 

I come here to talk about my deepest and darkest insecurities. I am still a work in progress and probably always will be.

 

 

Thanks and Carry On.

[Turtles]

Yes, but you are worrying about something that you have largely invented in your head. It is an irrational fear. And at some point, if you don't properly and rationally discuss your fears with your spouse, you will end up in the situation that you fear.

 

Expecting that your wife is just going to up and leave you is not normal. It's like a (hypothetical) husband being paranoid that his wife is going to cheat on him. He suspects her all the time, he tried to keep tabs, even though there's no reason to. Eventually, this kind of behaviour has one of two endings:

 

1). She cheats (rationalising "There. Now you have something to be upset about.")

 

or

 

2). She leaves, citing that she can't continually be put down for no reason.

 

And the husband, whines "Look, see, I told you so!", failing to realise that he is not a victim of HER, he is a victim of his own paranoid delusions.

 

If your wife ups and leaves you, Woggle, you are not a victim of the 'wife walkout' syndrome that you've convinced yourself exists. You're a victim of yourself.

 

That's really well put!! Woggle I seriously believe the insecurity stems from spending too much time reading horror stories on LS. You have 23000 posts for crying out loud! It would also be good IMO to not make your whole life revolve around a single person. So you can be a strong person on your own and not have to continuously worry about someone else crushing your world with one blow. Not saying you have to detach, but balance is everything.

[TaraMaiden]

I would like to point out this post by the thread starter, read it before you come onto this thread and insult him.

He is using LoveShack in the manner it was created for, to help people with interpersonal relationships, are you?

 

Thanks Robert, I'm hoping that as you've posted a comment and haven't closed the thread, it's ok to reply.

And I'm not arguing your decisions, I'm putting forward a PoV:

 

It would be fair enough, if that were what he's doing here.

 

But he isn't.

 

This thread isn't about any 'deep and dark insecurity' he has.

This thread has evolved into his condemning married women as being responsible for divorces, while he maintains that his DW is an absolute angel to whom we wouldn't dare say these things, and with whom he would never discuss them.

 

So we are left here to be bombarded with imaginary, inaccurate, vitriolic and frankly mind-boggling opinions based on fictitious and contradictory prejudice.

 

This isn't a deep and dark insecurity.

This is throwing a hand-grenade and expecting people to play catch.

 

It seems somewhat unfair that while he's the one repeatedly throwing the grenades, others are getting their fingers blown off....

[KathyM]

If the divorce rate is 50% for first marriages, and some studies/statistics show it to be lower than that, more like 40%, that means that there are more than half of all marriages lasting for life. I know many couples who have been married to their one and only spouse all of their lives and are happy. There is nothing wrong with the institution of marriage. It works for more than half of married couples. The problem is with some people's lack of respect for their vows. I attribute the 40% to 50% divorce rate largely due to infidelity, and I think there is a strong correlation between the divorce rate and the rate of infidelity in a marriage. Since women are the ones who are primarily filing for divorce, maybe it's safe to assume they are filing because their husband cheated on them. In fact, I posted a study on LS at one point showing that infidelity was a factor in the majority of divorces. Therefore, if you remain faithful to your wife, there's probably a good chance your marriage will survive.

 

I can see that you have insecurities when it comes to women, based on your poor experience with them with both your mother and your first wife. It's not surprising that you would feel that way, since much of people's attitudes about marriage and people in general are shaped by our experiences with our parents. I would agree with the posters that are suggesting counseling if you are having unfounded fears of your wife leaving you, when in fact, your wife loves you and your marriage is good. Your past experiences with two women in your life (mother and first wife)are negatively shaping your view of all women, and that is something that should be addressed in counseling.

[Mme. Chaucer]

I am not trolling. I worry about this stuff until I literally drive myself crazy and I need a place to vent about it.

 

I think you've long since crossed the line between venting and obsessing/ indulging.

 

You know perfectly well (because you've said so yourself) that seeking out the stuff that portrays marriage and women as bad is destructive to yourself.

 

You already know that lots of marriages end in divorce, and that plenty of HUSBANDS and wives "walk away."

 

How much more confirmation do you need about that?

 

You chose to be married. Evidently you don't want to throw it on a scrap heap. Why not do some investigating into happy marriages that last?

[William]

"We expect that all community participants interact in a manner conducive to free-flowing, collaborative participation from all visitors, fostering an environment free of harassment, character attacks, and other forms of individual and group berating. We realize that all members may not share the same definitions on issues surrounding personal morality, appropriate behavior, and other sensitive topics of discussion that often appear on the site; we encourage all to voice their own opinions while refraining from criticizing other participants for the perspective they hold. Each person that posts on the forum is to be treated with the utmost respect and civility regardless of how absurd or ridiculous the opinion expressed might seem to you from your perspective.

 

Personal attacks against other participants will not be tolerated under any circumstances. We define personal attacks as posted comments which are intended to provoke, demean, or ridicule another participant. It is inevitable that members will sometimes disagree in their responses to any given problem, and LoveShack.org encourages healthy debate comprised of constructive questions and criticisms, so long as they pertain to the post and thread at hand. Personal dislike of another member has no place in any post, on any thread."

 

I hope we're done here. It would really be in the best interest of all if we are. Thanks.

[Woggle]

It is not my purpose to throw grenades or to insult anybody. I am just expressing some real fears that myself and many men have.

 

If you see everybody around you losing their jobs and struggling it would be understandable if you wonder if you will be next

 

If everybody around you is getting sick it is understandable if you are afraid of catching it

 

When I see so many women who are dumping their husbands and the other ones seem to hate being married to them why is it so wrong when I get insecure and wonder if I will be next? How am I wrong for wondering if my marriage is safe from something that is a mass epidemic these days?

[Pyro]

It is not my purpose to throw grenades or to insult anybody. I am just expressing some real fears that myself and many men have.

 

If you see everybody around you losing their jobs and struggling it would be understandable if you wonder if you will be next

 

If everybody around you is getting sick it is understandable if you are afraid of catching it

 

When I see so many women who are dumping their husbands and the other ones seem to hate being married to them why is it so wrong when I get insecure and wonder if I will be next? How am I wrong for wondering if my marriage is safe from something that is a mass epidemic these days?

 

Therapist Seaside Heights NJ.

[Woggle]

Therapist Seaside Heights NJ.

 

That last guy looks like he's constipated.

[Els]

Woggle, why are you so against suggestions of professional help?

 

It's all fine to vent on LS, but how has it HELPED you so far? LS helps some people and not others. And there's a limit on what it can do. IMO, you are far, far, far beyond that limit.