angryatme Posted July 25, 2013 Share Posted July 25, 2013 I apologize in advance for this being so complicated. I need help here. I met the most amazing woman I have ever met in my life last February. I have been around the block a hundred times, and I never understood the meaning of "ya just know" until I met her. 5 weeks into our "Dating". She told me she was going up to a condo with a guy from work. They had "had it planned" for some time now. Not to worry it wasn't romantic. I had a really hard time with it at the time. I know what I would do with a hot chick up in a condo for the weekend. But I did my best to swallow it, trust her, and see what happened. when she got back she assured me that they didn't sleep together. Now mind you we weren't "exclusive" at the time. I wanted to be, but she wasn't so sure at the time. Well time went on, and I never "forgot" about it. But whatever. I did "Get over it". At any rate, last tuesday I proposed with the most amazing proposal in the world. Horse and carriage, the works. She said yes! I was so excited. I found out two days later that she had slept with this guy up there. I confronted her about it, and she came clean. She apologized, said that she didn't know we were going to be what we are today at the time. but none the less, it eats at me. He has been trying to lay the flirt down ever since. I approached him and informed him that if he EVER said another inappropriate thing to my fiance I would literally break his legs. I advised him that his safety was in his own hands and that I wasn't afraid to go to jail or even prison over him. I wanted to stomp a mudhole in his ass so big you could swim across it, but I didn't. She has been so happy telling everyone about our engagement and how great I am, and I know she loves me, and want to believe that I have nothing to fear, and I think in the back of my mind I don't. I was just SO jealous of this guy back then, and then I finally get it all under control, and this just brings it back 10 fold. I am really trying to shake this, I am angry at myself for feeling this angry, but I don't know how to get rid of it. She swears if she had it to do over she wouldnt have done it, and I believe her. But she still works with this piece of ****, and I can't quit feeling angry and jealous, she said she would get a different job if I wanted her to, but I think thats extreme. But who knows,,, thats why I am here. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 First, by your own admission you were not exclusive so get over it. Second, since you now know that the other man (OM) coworker is a former lover, she needs to get another job, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. For all your macho talk, you stood by and let her go on that trip with the OM. Do not make the same mistake by letting her still see him everyday at work. Link to post Share on other sites
HEY2147 Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 If I were you I would call off the wedding and take back the ring she doesnt deserve it and tell her to leave while you think long and hard of and take time for yourself I think you need to be alone for a little while if you want to get back together or stay which i advise against still take back the ring she needs to show you she deserves it good luck man Link to post Share on other sites
New User Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 Sounds like she's got you pretty well trained. "Yes dear, I banged another guy. I'm bored with him now so could you go scare him off for me?" It's extremely unlikely that she didn't know what was going to happen when she went to the condo with him. And she lied to you about it. I wouldn't gamble half my possessions on those cards. And I really don't get your anger and admission of assault against the other guy. I'm not really seeing what he did wrong unless your leaving out a major part of this. Link to post Share on other sites
HEY2147 Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 Also what Try says too she needs quit as soon as possible tell her if you talk to him again that your gonna end it. again please call off the wedding you can still be together if you want without it and if you think she trustworthy again ask her again Link to post Share on other sites
twinkie0 Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 Wow, people are getting really judgemental about this. The forum's supposed to be to help, not bash. You use a lot of quotation marks. I don't exactly understang why you would say "dating" (implying you were not really dating yet?). At any rate, you were not exclusive and hadn't been together for her to realize it could be anything serious. But pretending not to know what will eventually happen when you shack up with someone? That's just being gullible. Don't call off your wedding for this, but you should definately talk about it with her, and I mean a long, serious talk. And of course, she should agree never to have any contact with that other guy whatsoever. Best of luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 If you can't get over it, then the relationship needs to end. That's what it boils down to. If you try to force yourself to be okay with it when you're not, you're both going to be miserable. You'll be constantly questioning her loyalty and she's going to feel the weight of that, which is pretty hard to deal with. It sucks to be with someone who doesn't trust you - you have to like, prove yourself and your worth as a partner. That's not what a relationship should be. But honestly, what she did wasn't great, though it's understandable why she did it. You two were not exclusive. She was allowed to date other people. She was not under any obligation to tell you who she was sleeping with. She shouldn't have lied about it, but really, to tell someone you've only "dated" for five weeks, "Uh, yeah, actually, I did sleep with a guy the other night" would be uncomfortable and weird. That wasn't information you were entitled to. It was her personal life. If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't break up over this. I would consider it more like a white lie that was told in the beginning of the "getting to know you" stage, akin to someone saying "Yeah, I totally floss my teeth every night" and then figuring out that they totally don't. It was a stupid, mostly insignificant fib they told to make themselves look better, which everyone does to some extent. Of course I would be bothered by it, but if the relationship was otherwise really great, I would do my best to deal with it. Also, I agree with you that asking her to quit her job would be extreme. Asking her to have minimal, solely professional contact with him seems reasonable, though. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 You have "jealousy" issues because you keep using "inverted commas" to explain how you felt, but you also realise that in fact you didn't feel "that way" at all. The bottom line is that before you two guys were established as a bona-fide, serious, committed couple, she had a physical fling. She lied to you to spare your feelings and to not make you think less of her. She liked you, and the obvious result is that you now want to marry her and she delightedly accepted, and wants to marry you. You were heavy-handed with the other guy; it's done now. I would suggest that rather than concern yourself with whether marrying is a good idea, you get some personal counselling to overcome your jealousy/possessiveness issues, and address your complex thought-processes. being retroactively jealous - and making physical threats against someone who realistically, actually did you no harm at all is unreasonable and irrational. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 This guy is not your fiance. This guy did not lie to your face. If you want to be angry over someone's behavior then be angry not at yours or his, but hers. She's the one who slept with him and she's the one who lied. Now, you weren't dating exclusively so why the lie in the first place? She didn't even HAVE to lie and she did it anyway. Now, I'm not saying you need to call of the wedding persay. I mean, it could have been a one off. It was dumb to lie when she didn't have any need for it but it could have been that she didn't think you two were going to turn into a relationship and that her lies didn't matter. She may have had little respect for you then but that doesn't mean she has such little respect for you now. But, how did you find out about them sleeping together? I think the how really matters. E.g. did she come to you and confess? Or did it remain hidden and when confronted she copped to it? If she came to you and confessed on her own then I'm more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt. If you found out elsewhere though, my opinion changes quite a bit. Here's why; fair enough she didn't know then you were going to become a serious relationship. But, she certainly knew the day you proposed to her and let's be honest..she would have known much earlier than that even. Continuing to lie to you instead of just fessing up when the relationship did become serious might be an indicator of a problem. If she decides to hide things from you as to not rock the boat that will be a pattern of behavior that will follow into the marriage and this will probably not be the last time you "feel angry" towards someone else over her lies and/or omissions. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 hoping2heal makes a good point. I think this is where your anger stems from. You took it out on HIM - but you were - and still are - actually mad at HER. You need to resolve this, and as h2h points out - exactly HOW the truth came out, matters. It doesn't warrant cancellation, separation and alienation - but it does warrant clearing up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 If you try to swallow hard and accept the fact that she lied about screwing this guy then you deserve what you get. I mean, lying about it means she knows it was wrong and was willing to hide it forever until you busted her. Committing to a woman who is a proven liar about sleeping with another guy is just about as stupid as it gets. Oh, and I'm really not judging her decision to sleep with him, just her decision to lie about it. How can you trust anything she says after this? Why put yourself through all of this drama when you don't have to? Link to post Share on other sites
therhythm Posted July 26, 2013 Share Posted July 26, 2013 (edited) I apologize in advance for this being so complicated. I need help here. I met the most amazing woman I have ever met in my life last February. I have been around the block a hundred times, and I never understood the meaning of "ya just know" until I met her. 5 weeks into our "Dating". She told me she was going up to a condo with a guy from work. They had "had it planned" for some time now. Not to worry it wasn't romantic. I had a really hard time with it at the time. I know what I would do with a hot chick up in a condo for the weekend. But I did my best to swallow it, trust her, and see what happened. when she got back she assured me that they didn't sleep together. Now mind you we weren't "exclusive" at the time. I wanted to be, but she wasn't so sure at the time. Well time went on, and I never "forgot" about it. But whatever. I did "Get over it". At any rate, last tuesday I proposed with the most amazing proposal in the world. Horse and carriage, the works. She said yes! I was so excited. I found out two days later that she had slept with this guy up there. I confronted her about it, and she came clean. She apologized, said that she didn't know we were going to be what we are today at the time. but none the less, it eats at me. He has been trying to lay the flirt down ever since. I approached him and informed him that if he EVER said another inappropriate thing to my fiance I would literally break his legs. I advised him that his safety was in his own hands and that I wasn't afraid to go to jail or even prison over him. I wanted to stomp a mudhole in his ass so big you could swim across it, but I didn't. She has been so happy telling everyone about our engagement and how great I am, and I know she loves me, and want to believe that I have nothing to fear, and I think in the back of my mind I don't. I was just SO jealous of this guy back then, and then I finally get it all under control, and this just brings it back 10 fold. I am really trying to shake this, I am angry at myself for feeling this angry, but I don't know how to get rid of it. She swears if she had it to do over she wouldnt have done it, and I believe her. But she still works with this piece of ****, and I can't quit feeling angry and jealous, she said she would get a different job if I wanted her to, but I think thats extreme. But who knows,,, thats why I am here. Thoughts? I would not be that much angry about the fact that she slept with the guy but about the fact that she lied to you about it...... if she can lie so easily and keep with you smiling like nothing had happened... she is bad news! By the way.... the guy who had sex with your fiance is no one to you, he owes you nothing and less when that happened as you were not exclusive...if you need to be angry at someone then should be with the person who has kept you hostage with a lie ... she took your right to take a decision from you and now you are trapped... is that the woman you want to marry? Edited July 26, 2013 by therhythm Link to post Share on other sites
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