Am I overreacting or will this rip us apart?

[rose45]

I apologize if this is long--My boyfriend and I are both near our late twenties. He is the love of my life and the best person I have been with. We both always say how Much we love each other and have stated we want a future together. We are both saving at the moment but are thinking of moving in next year after getting finances etc in order. We don't live super close to each other so we basically live together on the weekends with family and sometimes once during the week we get together as well.

 

The only problem is his friends. It's a very needy group. In my opinion they aren't as independent without each other as I think most people are at theage of 28 and above. They call and text every single weekend ---not to just say hi, how are you but to make plans. Going to a bar isn't always my first priority and usually by the time Friday comes after a long week, I just want to relax and not feel guilty because his friends are trying to make plans. My boyfriend and I aren't always together during the week so the weekend is our time to finally relax together and be together. I am always up for hanging out if it is what he really wanted or if I am starting to feel it would be a good thing to be in a group but sometimes I wish they would back off and move on with their lives in some ways. It reminds me of still being 22 years old and relying on friends to be around.

 

They give him crap for not being around as much or if he even says no because he is too tired--they don't understand that things do change a bit as you get older and more responsibility, a relationship, etc etc. One friend used to have my boyfriend over every single Saturday when single and gives him crap because he doesn't do that anymore. I find it insulting and partially crazy to expect a friend at almost 30 who is in a relationship to be around every single Saturday as if life isn't going to change. My friends have gone their own ways for the most part--we talk, we chat, email but I never expect them to be around like they were anymore.

 

 

They make him feel guilty which my boyfriend does. I personally feel after a certain age how can you expect anyone to be available every weekend or every other weekend. Am I wrong for thinking this? My boyfriend has trouble too it seems. If he doesn't hear from one friend for only a week he will mention it. He also says he doesn't want them to think we aren't social as if we have something to prove to others. If we are watching a movie and just relaxing on a Saturday and a friend randomly calls--it adds pressure like should we go out because I know my boyfriend feels bad telling them no or maybe. There is no way there is enough time for everyone every weekend or during the week unless you are burning the candle on both ends. I feel bad for feeling this way but at the same time I have never seen something like this before. I also want to point out that I think we go out pretty often--sometimes a few weekends in a row or every other weekend we are meeting up the friends who keep texting or calling, out at a bar etc. I would prefer more alone time with him without feeling guilty and like crap about it.

 

 

His one friend has been calling to go out during the week with a few other people he knows. My b/f said he thinks he will go this week to make time for him..They went out from work and he got home close to midnight. We basically didn't verbally speak to each other--other than text-- since the night before. I don't feel entirely comfortable with a boyfriend going out like this without me as if he is single. His friends are single, wreckless, drink alot, hook up, immature etc. I know this has nothing to with my boyfriend and I know he isn't going to cheat on me but I am still not at ease. At the same time I feel silly feeling this way.

 

 

I am not ok with a boyfriend doing this constantly and it makes me worry this is going to become a habit. We had a slight disagreement about it and he mentioned there is nothing wrong with him going out to a bar to have drinks--this is what his friends do and he isn't going there trying to do anything. He just wants to keep his friends and have a social life outside of me. I understand this and I see his point but I am still uncomfortable and at the same time I feel he is clinging to this idea that he has to see friends constantly or feel super guilty about it. It makes me wonder how will we ever move forward and am I going to be left alone constantly if we ever did move in together or get married and have a kid.

 

Am I being completely unreasonable about all of this? Would anyone else feel the same about the friends calling/texting every weekend to make plans and then us having to feel guilty if we want to do our own thing? I personally feel a couple usually spends more alone time together than constantly in a group and I don't need to prove anything to anyone.

 

Am I being overbearing about the outing and I should back off especially knowing that he loves me, tells me constantly, affectionate etc?

 

I just don't always feel comfortable about a boyfriend bar hopping and staying out late if he is in a committed relationship. I know tons do it. I am just looking for some guidance and advice.

 

Thank you so much.

Edited July 26, 2013 by rose45

[rose45]

thanks for the fast response!

 

I agree that maybe I am overreacting and need to just take a step back and see all the wonderful qualities about him and how loved he really does make me feel in different ways just with his affection, words, texts.

 

 

Logically I know he can't just live for work and me--so why am I still not at ease with it? I get this horrible feeling knowing my b/f is out with these friends--maybe because I do feel they are definitely influential on him to drink more etc and they get crazy at times. His one friend would go out every day if my b/f would agree to it.

 

It's just for me at times. It does seem he is more social and I don't mind activities with just him especially when I don't see him that often.

[rose45]

bump..i hope more people respond.................

 

i should also point out--i dont feel life ends either because i am almost 30--i would do outdoor activities in an instant..but that basically means saying no to his friends because they are more interested in drinking and meeting up at a bar. It then becomes a choice and then us feeling guilty for not being around others.

Edited July 26, 2013 by rose45